VDAY

Oops. Wrong Heart.

This is not going to be a post in support or against the holiday of Valentine's Day. I like it some years and I don't on other years. This isn't dependent on my relationship status but just how I feel on the day of. I'm not going to talk about whether or not it is just a corporate construction supported by the gift card makers/Lindt chocolateers/military-prison-industrial complex to appease the masses and boost the economy, if for only one day. I'm sure it probably has elements of this and elements from the original concept of love and dating and romance. *

No, I'm not going to talk about any of that in this post.

What I'm going to talk about is my favorite couple I like to see on this day.

Married couples are cool and you can always spot the married couples with kids by that slightly weary look on their faces. There are the elderly couples which are inspiring on any and every day. The dating folks in their twenties and thirties can be fun to watch but my FAVORITE...my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE?

Teens in love.

I love the awkwardness in the face of the guys and the joy and pride with the girls holding their flowers or their silly, large bears. Teens always walk that border between extreme cockiness and shyness and they turn it up to eleven on this day.

I love it.

I think part of what I like about these pairings is that it reminds me of my own past history of awkward fumbling towards love. As you grow older, the opportunities for first experiences grow smaller. First kisses, first loves, first heartbreak- you'll never get those again. These are important milestones and they are beautiful. I'm both envious of the young for their wide-eyed initial moments of romance and SO GLAD that I don't have to deal with those confusing emotions. Love is lovely and it is sweet when it is first enjoyed, Enjoy it.

And, kids? It gets better as you get older.

That's the proper heart.

*Plus, we all KNOW that the Illuminati are behind all our holidays anyway. STAY WOKE!

blackfriday*

Turning 35. Wow. That means I'm about to reach that border land age on surveys before it turns over into people kinda but not really caring what you think about products unless it's for your kids. Whoa.

Anyway....

There is a belief that every seven years the human body goes through a cycle of rebirth. That every cell in our bodies becomes brand new and we pretty much have a whole, new form.** This brings me to the old thought experiment of the Ship of Theseus or the Theseus Paradox.

"The ship wherein Theseus and the youth of Athens returned from Crete had thirty oars, and was preserved by the Athenians down even to the time of Demetrius Phalereus, for they took away the old planks as they decayed, putting in new and stronger timber in their places, in so much that this ship became a standing example among the philosophers, for the logical question of things that grow; one side holding that the ship remained the same, and the other contending that it was not the same."

—Plutarch, Theseus

Essentially, the experiment asks if you replace the pieces of a ship piece by piece but assembled in exactly the same way, it it the same ship or a totally new vessel?

I'm not sure about the ship. I don't know if it is now truly different but I can answer that question for me. 

No. 

And yes. Very much yes.

No, because I'm still the same person at my core that I have always been. I still have hope that the world can be better than it is. I still trust people more than I should sometimes. I believe that science has the potential to allow us to do anything. I'm still boyishly handsome. *** I still like geeky things and am always excited for what the next thing I've never read before is going to be.

Yes, because the things at the top of my priorities lists are still there but they have shifted around. Some of the things I would argue for or against have committed a complete 180. My faith in humanity has declined and risen and declined again.

35 years of dealing with humans can do that.

I appreciate the things that are the same about me and the differences that have arisen over the years. Sean at 7, 14, 21 and 28 are different dudes with the same inner being. 28 year old Sean was definitely a VERY different guy in that crowd. 

He was also, apparently, a ninja from Shaolin. Not the temple but Staten Island.

As I approach this personal liminal time of year for me, I often look back on what has led me to this new year of being, as I imagine a lot of people do. That often turns into an intense dissection of my life choices swiftly moving into personal judgments of my shortcomings shifting down into wondering if my choices have negatively affected the bad choices of some of my family and comparisons to my friends and age-specific peers.

Me and this dude are the same age and he is married to Lisa Bonet. Are we even the same species?

This all, ultimately, spirals down into me being depressed about where I am, how I look, what I haven't done and a wish to return to 9th grade so I could make myself do crunches, stay in, write, not listen to what people wanted/expected to me to be and stop pining over random girls who won't be interested in me and look at the ones that were actually interested. 

But not this year. This hasn't been my best year but I think it has definitely been one of the years with the most inner growth. I have done all the stuff that I just listed and I have definitely traveled down a dark road or two with the line of thought described above. You can ask a few friends I have been drunk with about those moments. But I've also, and this is fairly recent, come to appreciate the better qualities I possess. Sure, I make stupid decisions sometimes but they are mine to make and maybe they aren't stupid but just silly seeming now. Maybe my subconscious is guiding me more than I thought.

My path is not the same as my friends or family or even what people think it should be. I have to live for myself. I got stuff to work on and improve but so does everyone. There are things I want and things I have learned that I want and I know I have to change and/or adjust my thought processes to attain them. I'm committed to that, with a little of the old "Sean sucks" mentality.**** I have potential and can do amazing things. Just gotta do 'em.

I think this next year can be great for me. No. Will be great. I have to embrace aspects of the new/potential me (completing things, communicating better) and definitely have to tap into the good stuff from the past versions of me (hope, confidence bordering on cockiness). If I get all this together, I foresee a great adult. Gotta get that balance. It's about time.

Happy Birthday, dude!

I'm gonna make the rest of my life as good as I possibly can. 

Watch.

*I went back and forth over that title. It was a tossup which included Adultish, 35 Years Young and Gray Hair, Don't Care.

**Some people also say it's ten and science calls "bullshit" because our bodies are in a constant state of cell death and/or birth. Neither of these works with my post so I'm sticking to seven years. Suck it, science.

***These are just facts, people.

****I'm not going to say none because a)I know myself and b)I also use some of those darker moments as fuel to do stuff.

Being Grateful

I have it in my head what I want this post to be about but it may stray from that. I'll try to keep on topic. I've been up for a long time. (I also started writing it a while ago as you will see by the date)

So, today is Thanksgiving and it also happens to be my birthday. This means that it's a holiday so people are generally with their family and, you can ask anyone with a birthday on a holiday or big event, you learn quickly to not expect much. I took it as an opportunity to be by myself, go to the parade and think.

What my thinking got me was this post here.

I'm very thankful for my friends. I'm thankful for my family too, mostly but they know that.
I fear that I don't express my thankfulness for my friends enough. It's slightly easier to stay connected nowadays but it seems harder to connect. I "talk" to my friends a lot but that generally consists of text messages, IMs, tweets and leaving posts on their walls for my friends who are now or were always long-distance buddies. I'm only marginally better with my at home friends, I feel. We meet up maybe once or twice a month and they buy me drinks and we try to remain current with our lives while swaying drunkenly to beats. It's good but I could do better.

My friends are the best people in the world and they deserve better.

I'm broke right now and have been for awhile. Blame the economy, lack of educational standards in comparison with my peers, lack of jobs I'm good at that will employ me... whatever. I've been broke for awhile and if my friends weren't who they were I couldn't have enjoyed many a night.

I know they enjoy making their friends happy and a lot of them have been my friends for years so remember a time when I could buy a bottle like it was nothing and none of them will complain about getting me a beer but I still feel like shite when it happens. I shouldn't or I shouldn't TOTALLY feel that way but there it is.

Crazier situation- I've made a friend on Facebook a while ago. We became friends just because we shared the same name and eventually learned that we have overlapping geeky interests. This dude is awesome and a good guy to, again, "talk" to, as are a lot of my "internet friends."* What makes him more awesome is that he sent me movie tickets, twice, just because. This guy knows me but he doesn't know me like my other pals and he took it upon himself to just send movie tickets to a guy in another state with the same name because a) he thought a movie was good and I should see it and b)it was my birthday on the second occasion. **

And maybe that's what friendship is- taking a chance on some dude not being a jerk and enjoying their random happiness and hoping that they are appreciative. My fear is that because of my current condition my appreciation for ALL MY FRIENDS and ALL THE THINGS THEY DO isn't as explicit or at the level I want it to be. I'm positive that they know I'm grateful; I just want them to know the degree that I'm grateful for their existence. These are great folks and I can't begin to show my joy they have in my life with a bottle of wine that I can't currently afford.

SO, I make them this promise-

My first born or free copies of all my future works.

The former is highly unlikely as that I'm currently single and definitely not "mingling" like I want*** but the latter is definitely doable and I have a list of people who automatically get my stuff gratis.

This is the best I can do while I'm currently freelancing and without any of my lottery dreams coming true. I do hope it's enough and I'm sure it will be because my friends are stupendous and are selfless individuals who see things in me that I don't sometimes recognize or believe, love me and I love back with the power of ten thousand suns.



*I hate saying "internet friends" like it makes someone a lesser friend, especially now in 2014.
**I should also add c)because he is a great soul but that goes without saying I think.
***Plus, who really wants this deal except for Rumpelstiltskin. 

RESOLUTIONS

THAT IS ALL.

You Can Spell It With A Y All Day...

I normally try to not comment or even concern myself with the discussions of race. For one, I think my opinions on the matter are pretty self-evident in that I'm for the freedom and liberty of all people and I sometimes mess up but I would like to believe that even when I do make these errors in actions/speech, I'm a decent enough human being to apologize and correct myself. Secondly, as a black man in this country who happened to spend time in the South for family visits and went to predominantly white schools from around the age of 12, I've encountered my fair share of overt racism and it's gets exhausting dealing with it or trying to explain the reason something can be offensive. I know that my very existence can be viewed as a political stance but, seriously, it's 2013 and I've been on this planet for 30+ years and I'm tired of speaking on it.

There is so much going on with issues of race/sex/class/power constantly that sometimes I'm like "Someone else is going to talk on this and I'm not going to say anything new and I'm preaching to the choir anyway." I just shut up and concern myself with geeky issues instead.* It usually serves me well in keeping me sane.

Plus, it's kinda smarmy to just comment on stuff when I know for a fact I'm not going to put on pants and take to the streets about something.

I'm really not taking back my city today. I'm gonna clear my DVR instead.

I don't want to give up. I don't want to not fight for equality and justice and education in basic levels of respect but sometimes people irritate me to the point where I want to grab my ball and go home.

Then, there are times where I get so irritated that I have to at least comment.

Such is the case with this bullshite response to this article.

Now, I'm not here to argue what Santa or Jesus looked like (I'm like Kanye in that way). I frankly don't give a shite and that's up to you. You can use facts or whatever you want these guys to look like to motivate your opinions. I can care less if you think either of these figures were real or not too. That's on you and you have the right to believe anything you want to believe in regards to that or how you choose to portray these two figures in your church or house. Whatever. 

My issue is with this line- 
"Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn't mean it has to change."- Megyn Kelly

What?

Jon Stewart probably described that best last night with "I think that's the official slogan of oppression."  I think that's it's also the slogan for the opposite of progress.

Things change. That's the nature of the universe. It's universal law. And, most of the time, it's for the betterment of mankind.  Very rarely do you find people fighting to keep things the same or "traditional" to end up on the correct side of history.

Jackasses, all.

And before you say it, I don't believe Megyn Kelly is as bad as the above asshattery. I've actually agreed with her before. Once. She is also on an inflammatory network that, for all that jazz about "fair and balanced", is really just an outlet to speak in a highly conservative slant. I also don't believe that she is an out and out racist. She may in fact be a racist but I don't get that feel from her and would need a definitive statement to say she is. Racist undertone to her comment? Yes. Intentionally racist? Ehh...

I DO think she is suffering from the same strain of disease that a lot of people with privilege and power suffer from and I'm not talking about affluenza. It's ignorance of how things are, why they are the way they are and a lack of empathy for others.

They have this belief that everyone is like them and thinks like them. This is pretty common in all or most members of humanity. The problem with their thinking like this is that they have privilege gained from power from their ancestors in past years that directs how the world actually works. This is why the standards of beauty and the way we think about things are the way they are. The white male viewpoint is the unfortunate default setting and any thinking outside of this causes an uproar and a feeling of "I'm being attacked" or "we're losing" in this group.** Any changes to how they conceive the world should be is answered with an immediate argument and being aghast that you would even suggest something so outlandish.

"Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn't mean it has to change."- Megyn Kelly ***

The privileged thought process is simple- "It doesn't have to change if it's in support of those in power AKA me. If you complain about it, something is wrong with you and you are being an uppity minority/woman/LGBT person. Tradition is tradition because it's great, for me. You aren't a slave/live in America/have "equal opportunity"*** and if you complain and want things to be more fair, well, then you are attacking my freedom and I can't allow that because I can't lose. My ancestors have never lost and I won't give up any power to help you at the least feel decent about yourself. Stop bringing up old stuff because it's in the past and I don't want to think about it and it hasn't affected me in a truly negative way so who cares?"

I care. 

Minorities care. Women care. The oppressed care. And if you really give a damn about humanity, you SHOULD care. It's not losing when someone else wins or gets a little more freedom. We all win. And that should be our ultimate goal in everything. 

We all win and we are better humans because of it.

Stop being an arse. Be a good human.



*This industry has its own issues with race, sexual orientation and gender representation.
**Which is INSANE since white dudes haven't lost since the year 982 when Native Americans whupped up on some Vikings. White dudes are in fact the Harlem Globetrotters of history.
***'Fuck out of here...
****Bullshit.

Bullshite/Just Do It

I've come to a realization.

No, not a realization but something obvious that I already knew but have a tough time applying to the reality because, well, I'm me.

I need to write and there is no valid excuse not to be writing pretty much whenever I get a free moment.

I mean, I already kinda do but those writing jags come in bursts and I have full ideas for stories that I've either a) have completed only in my head b) should be stopped/put off for later because I don't have a really good ending or c) have not uploaded/shared.

A lot of the time I invent excuses for not writing and the big one is always access to the necessary equipment, ie a computer.

This is bullshit.

People were writing before these magical boxes were created. Hell, I was writing before this thing. I still write with pen and paper mostly now anyway. The only thing about not having constant access to a computer is a valid excuse for is the quantity of content put on the internet by me. I can update my Tumblr and Pinterest pretty regularly so there should be no reason for me not to do the same with these blogs.

So, time to stop the bs and just do it. Throw up (good) work and get this noise in my head out into the world on a consistent basis as opposed to those nights where I'm in the zone.

Keep me honest, Russians and Latvians.

No One Wants To Be A Red Shirt*

*that title makes no sense and really doesn't even relate to this post but whatever, I haven't slept yet

It's early and I'm usually up around this time since I walk my mom to the bus pretty much daily. I should be going back to sleep or trying to get some since I have work today and sleep is just good for you. I had planned on sleeping but thinking about a current situation made me get up and I wasn't able to get back to sleep. So, here we are and I just drunk a Red Bull Blue Edition which has no effect on me except making me want to pee but I enjoy the taste so let's see what I can get down before my body knocks me out. It may be more rambling than usual so I apologize in advance. This is pretty stream of consciousness right now.

Meek Mill's yelling will have to do the job these won't.

I've been thinking about a lot of my relationships recently, including the one that made me leave the comfort of my bed. I've also been on a personal hiatus from dealing with people. This is a result of a few factors- needing a human break, figuring out how much effort others would put into our relationship when I stopped doing most of the heavy lifting*, recommitting myself to my New Year's goal of being more selfish and generally trying to get my shite together.

My New Year's goal has been going pretty piss poor. I HAVE been doing better than previous years, especially in these last 2 or 3 months but I have still been overextending myself for the people I care about and even a few who I'm "ehhhh" about. I blame it mostly on my upbringing. Although my younger years had craziness, I was raised by people who taught me to generally not be an asshole and look out for people. I've found that people I know are mostly good and it's kind of hard to break my habit of being there for others, even at my own expense.

But frak all of that! I'm going to still look out for people but I'm keeping the balance better and I come before anyone else, except my mom who is awesome.

So, selfishness is back in full motherfuckin' effect! Wait. It can't be back since it wasn't really here to begin with. I mean, selfishness is going down! (basement)

In addition to that, I have to admit something. I've been reading biographies and self-help books for awhile now. Like TWO YEARS "awhile." I think it comes from me trying to figure out me and find a solution for problems I encounter in life. I've never done this before because I've been more of a "free spirit"** and since I've been less flighty I've been trying to find my center.

Only kids and childish movie viewers like me will get this.

I've been looking for words of wisdom, good advice from successful people, bad advice from screw-ups,*** ideas on finding peace/"the way"/happiness. Hell, I even did a tarot reading and I REALLY don't believe in that voodoo shite. But, we all gotta pay "stupid tax" from time to time. It's why the lottery still exists.****

Anyway, I came to two conclusions from all of this motivational introspection and heavy reading-

1) There is some good universal advice. Universal truths do exist about certain things.

2) Everyone finds their own way to happiness. 

The first conclusion has helped me adjust some things in how approach people and situations. I have even started to compile the wisdom most helpful to me in a little leather book to get me through. It's my bible for remaining calm and finding the proper path for me.

No, really. I really did do this. Ask to see it if you see me.

The second conclusion is even more important. We all have different goals and have to get there in our own ways. And I know what you are thinking because I thought it as soon as I typed that sentence- "Duh. No shit, Sherlock." The thing is I know this and you know this but during those dark moments when we doubt ourselves or those horrible instances where we are envious of someone else's success/contentment, we often forget that simple fact. We can't live others' lives, we wouldn't want to if we knew what bullshit they had to deal with in their heads and very rarely is someone else's idea of happiness the same as ours. 

And with knowing and relearning both these facts you gotta sometimes make hard calls. It may be changing your focus or choosing a new path. It may be extricating yourself from a relationship or situation that's not beneficial to you. It may be reaffirming your commitment to a project/relationship/plan even when others doubt you. It may be making yourself less available to others and becoming more selfish. It may be being alone. It may be looking for a new tribe to hang with. It may be doing nothing because you are already happy on your current path.*****

Ultimately, you have to choose what's best for you and what's going to bring you your particular brand of happiness. The world turns whether you are content or not but the merry-go-round is less bumpy when you have joy in your soul.

Okay. My babbling in this post is done. I'm actually feeling better about everything and I think this post wasn't TOO terrible but I haven't reread it. Hold on.

Yeah.

Whatever. It is what it is.

Be happy, folks.

*answer-not a lot

**my pal once called me a "hippie", another called me a "man-whore." Both were valid calls, ref

***which is overlooked but is HIGHLY educational

****I'm highly pissed I loss last night's PowerBall and can't travel the world training like Bruce Wayne

*****fuck you. no, seriously, go to hell, you lucky bastard (joking...mostly)

Respect of Self

I was going to put up another few posts (I will tonight) but I came across this selection from Joan Didion called "On Self-Respect." It's pretty good and, if you get a second, check out the whole thing here. I thought the last bit was very good and so I'm sharing it with you right now. It helped me decide what to do, or at least gave me pause in my decision making process about some stuff-


"To have that sense of one’s intrinsic worth which constitutes self-respect is potentially to have everything: the ability to discriminate, to love and to remain indifferent. To lack it is to be locked within oneself, paradoxically incapable of either love or indifference. If we do not respect ourselves, we are the one hand forced to despise those who have so few resources as to consort with us, so little perception as to remain blind to our fatal weaknesses. On the other, we are peculiarly in thrall to everyone we see, curiously determined to live out – since our self-image is untenable – their false notion of us. We flatter ourselves by thinking this compulsion to please others an attractive trait: a gist for imaginative empathy, evidence of our willingness to give. Of course I will play Francesca to your Paolo, Helen Keller to anyone’s Annie Sullivan; no expectation is too misplaced, no role too ludicrous. At the mercy of those we cannot but hold in contempt, we play roles doomed to failure before they are begun, each defeat generating fresh despair at the urgency of divining and meeting the next demand made upon us.

It is the phenomenon sometimes called “alienation from self.” In its advanced stages, we no longer answer the telephone, because someone might want something; that we could say no without drowning in self-reproach is an idea alien to this game. Every encounter demands too much, tears the nerves, drains the will, and the specter of something as small as an unanswered letter arouses such disproportionate guilt that answering it becomes out of the question. To assign unanswered letters their proper weight, to free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves – there lies the great, the singular power of self-respect. Without it, one eventually discovers the final turn of the screw: one runs away to find oneself, and finds no one at home."

Good stuff.

Also, I'm still g'd up even when thinking about this stuff. Don't forget, cuz.

RSI/Residual Self Image-Part 2

I stumbled onto Jackthreads.com yesterday while I was responding to a message from a friend on Facebook. Just to get us on the same page, Jackthreads is a site with clothes for guys. I don't like all the gear on there but they sometimes have good specials and some of the stuff gives me good ideas for design for how folks dress in my writing. I was on there because they had some sort of 40% off sale and as I was perusing the offerings I thought to myself two things- 1)This is an exercise in futility because I'm too broke to really get this stuff and 2)I actually am really wanting stuff nowadays.

The first thought is an ongoing process to dig myself out of this personal life hole I dug for myself.

Deshi (Deshi!) Basara (Basara!)...

The second thought was sort of a shock and not only because the stuff I was looking at wasn't particularly that bad ass but because I actually had the thought "I WANT THAT" flash in my head and it wasn't a geeky item/a winning PowerBall ticket/a giant mythical wolf to do my bidding. 

I've never been a "wanter" or even a "needer." Blame it on being a middle child or being the oldest cousin looking out for the others or being the son of two stubborn people who always did things themselves if they could do it. My father is horrible about getting what is needed and my mother was always the type of person that'll power through anything and didn't ask anyone for help. This combo of different things has greatly contributed to my view and actions to many things in my own life.

This is obviously not healthy.

I've been trying to do better. I have looked back and observed how this long cultivated attitude has messed me up with getting things done faster and even relationships with people. I'm trying to do better but I often switch back into "I don't need that/you" mode which can easily trick my brain into "I don't really want that/that is just greed and materialism talking" mode. This is why that moment yesterday shocked me.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I have a recurring movie in my head. It's not particularly long. It's me sitting at a table with my brother. I'm wearing jeans, Converses and a Superman shirt usually. I'm not sure what my brother has on, probably something ridiculous but fashionable. We are talking about something ridiculous as I wait for an interviewer to show up. She/He appears and I explain my brother is visiting me here in California/somewhere in the South and I hope it isn't a problem. The interviewer says no and then proceeds to asks me questions about my second or third book, how my life is different compared to ten years ago, how I feel about being engaged/married/dating someone supportive and awesome. It's a fun time and eventually the movie just fades to black with me looking stronger, older and happier than I am right now.

I bring this up only to illustrate that I know that somewhere in my subconscious is a guy who wants more. He's in there scratching at the back of my skull. Maybe he's that hopeful 9-year-old me or just pissed off 33-year-old current me. It doesn't matter. Not really. What is important is that I embrace him and focus on getting to that moment.

Maybe it won't occur like that. Maybe I'll still be single or my brother won't be there or I have on a Captain Marvel t-shirt instead. What won't change is that I'll be there, older and happier and more fulfilled and successful.

I want that moment. I want that.

RSI/Residual Self Image-Part 1

People see the me they wanna see.– Matt Damon, House Of Lies

They only see you how they wanna see you/'Til you make them see you in some other way.- Childish Gambino, Hold You Down

Before I get to it, let's play a quick little game. It's called spot the goofy jackass. You have 10 seconds. GO!

Found him?

We'll come back to this....

When I was little, I used to tell my great aunts and pretty much anyone else Down South that my name was Sam. My grandmother used to call me Ripley, after Ripley's Believe It Or Not for some odd reason. People in my neighborhood used to call me Lil Will because a) I looked like my dad b) there were other Seans on the street or c) they forgot my name, yet remembered my siblings' far more complicated ones. I tell you all of this boring stuff to just begin with just so we have a base for an idea of identity.

In my limited/long time on this planet, I've realized that I'm not one person. No one is one person. We are all generally an amalgamation of the perception of the people around us, and to an even greater extent, the world's view of us.

For example, if you asked people that knew me at different points in my life who I was, I'm reasonably sure you would get a different answer from each group for each time period and a slight variation from the folks in those groups. At the same time, the me of those time points would tell you I was a different person, probably based on what I thought I was (when I was little), what others thought I was (pre-teen to early teen years) or what I thought others thought I was (pretty much all of other times).

I was full of myself at one point in my life.

From geeky blerd (black nerd) to slacker pal of someone's kid to guy who would put in the most effort at the office, I wore a lot of hats. The problem was that none of these hats were picked out by me. As I got older, like a lot of people do, I just tried to become the person people believed me to be or wanted me to be. This is foolish but it's part of the growing process and "finding yourself." You have to try different roles if you aren't one of those rare lucky individuals who know who you are at a relatively young age. But, still, it's a bit stupid.

But you know what's stupider? Doing the opposite of what people expect of you just because. Not because you want to necessarily try something different or have an idea that this "you" is not the "real you." I did/do the opposite because I was just being difficult and also think following "what the world wants of me" is stifling to my freedom.

FUCK YOU, WORLD...and yellow polos.

Which brings us back to the above picture. Did you find who I was asking about? Here's the answer.

It's the guy to the right of the Sundance winner and above the reality TV star. Seriously.

This goofy jackass came to this event with his two buddies. They all drank and 2 out of 3 of them smoked that day. Yet, he is the only one who looks like that. Why? Because a) he drank because this was/is how he is perceived to be and b) he smoked because he had become the non-smoker by this time. He didn't have his shit together. Not that day. But it's alright. He'll have this picture to remind him of the next points I'm going to make.

There is nothing wrong with bucking against the world perception of you and there is also nothing wrong with slipping into the role that people present to you as what they think you are. The key is finding out who you really are at your core. We all take time to get to that point and we slip up at times. Just look at that picture again. I feel it has taken me longer than most, or at least my pals, and that we all continue to evolve as we grow but I'm feeling better daily about who I am and am getting more comfortable with who I am.

I'm not perfect. I fuck up. I'm better at a lot of things than others. I'm way worse at other things than some. But I believe in myself and my own personal level of awesome.

Like The Man In The Stall Said To The Man Waiting...

"Give me time, baby."- Al Bundy, Shoe Dick

I promise an update (maybe 3!) today. Been busy trying to work on something big that could be the start of actually being a real writer. Also, trying to nail down certain things in my life and figure out where I stand.

In the meantime in between time, check out these two links. The first is an awesome series of cartoon that I probably mentioned before.* The second is this writer on Cracked.com and I enjoy most of his articles on life. They speak to the screw-up in me. Enjoy.

http://www.viruscomix.com/subnormality.html

http://www.cracked.com/members/John%2BCheese/

*Plus I want that "SHIrT" shirt. Someone get on that for me. Thanks.

Lone Wolf

I was going to post something today and I probably will late tonight/early tomorrow after work. Instead life occurred. In the meantime, peruse this astrological description of me. I really don't believe in horoscopes, although some are eerily accurate. This is one of them in my opinion. I had this book and it was fun to ask my friend's their birthdays and then compare the description to them. Is mine on point? I thought it was at least close. Let me know and check your own if you want.

November 28th- The Day of The Lone Wolf-

Descriptive words- natural, contradictory, profound, emotionally sensitive, confused, dogmatic


Personality of The Day of the Lone Wolf-
        The highly intense individuals born on November 28 must pursue their own course. Living paradoxes, those born on this day are complex individuals who never cease to amaze their family and friends with their unique combination of aggression and sensitivity. Their ideology is extremely important to them, but it can change in a bewildering fashion, its twists and turns leading through a maze of irony and high seriousness. For example, it may be difficult to determine whether a November 28 individual is conservative or radical, right- or left-wing, an upholder of the social order or anarchic rebel. Ultimately such terms have little meaning in reference to November 28 thought patterns, which must be understood on their own terms.

     Although November 28 people appear to others as physical types, the primary thrust of their day is mental, even intellectual. No matter what their walk of life or profession, they can often be found arguing their case, refusing to submit to any ready-made dogmas or belief systems. They are basically self-taught thinkers, and for many, school is at best an annoyance and at worst an imprisonment. They have a strong penchant to take the opposing point of view due to their resistance to absolute statements and generalizations of all types.

     November 28 people enjoy pointed humor, and will use wit and irony as powerful weapons against their opponents and also as a means to clarify and give shape to their own views. Most often, however, they make an impression of forthright seriousness. Emotionally, November 28 people are usually caught up in their own personal maelstrom. Romantic relationships may surface with frequency, but those born on this day have enormous difficulties in maintaining stability in this area.

     Their friendships, on the other hand, are usually rock-solid, and highly meaningful. Those who are involved with them will never forget the experience—difficult, maddening, recalcitrant and paradoxical, they go their own way and do their own thing. For example, they can be among the most generous of individuals and yet at other times the most selfish. Often their goodness and true nature is more easily understood by animals and small children, on a purely intuitive level, than by a critical, analytical adult mind. A love of nature and of the animal world is in fact sacred to them, being their one constant refuge from disappointing and uncertain human experiences.

     Perhaps the greatest problem for November 28 people is coming to understand themselves, and being able to straighten out their complex, difficult personalities. Usually it is seething emotions which keep them from viewing themselves in a more objective light. Many born on this day use their work as an escape from what seems an excessive self-involvement. Concerning the four major faculties of perception—intellect, emotion, intuition, sensation—a titanic effort must be made by November 28 people to bring these into balance. Only then can they progress in their personal development and come to terms with the society around them.

VALID?

I stole this from Jonathan Hickman....

because it was good and it hits so very close to home. You probably don't even need this because you got your shite together but I like this reminder.

RESISTANCE-

It was October 2nd, 2004. I was sitting alone, bawling my eyes out, in a little Greek restaurant about half a block from the hotel where I was attending a Robert McKee seminar. I was reading Steven Pressfield's book, THE WAR OF ART.

It's a book about overcoming obstacles that stand in the way of creative undertakings. It's about realizing the only thing preventing you from succeeding is yourself. It's about becoming the person you are meant to be.

Here's an excerpt- 
"We don't even know what hit us. I never did. From age twenty-four to thirty-two, Resistance kicked my ass from East Coast to West Coast and back thirteen times and I never knew it existed. I looked everywhere for the enemy and failed to see it right in front of my face."

From twenty-four to thirty-two... I WAS THAT GUY.

Pressfield uses the word resistance to identify that thing within every creative person that keeps us from actually creating: Doubt, procrastination, fear, etc.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

A couple months earlier I'd decided to try and make a go of making comics, but it was that night I stopped being a dabbler and became a creator. I went back to my hotel, sat down and wrote myself a reminder. Now, I read it everyday before I start work:

I am my own Enemy,
RESISTANCE is my Nature.

I am aware of RESISTANCE
And it prevents me from achieving the life I am Meant To Have.

RESISTANCE is Self-Generated, Self-Perpetuated.
It Lies and Seduces. Its goal is my Utter Destruction.
Every day is a battle for my soul.

This Moment, This Day,
I change my life.

Help me to defeat myself,
And realize fate.

Now, is all of this a little too spiritual? Is it too much new age, feel good, self-actualization?

Maybe, but am I committed?

ABSOLUTELY.

I Think I'll Start Worshiping Ares*

I'm not religious. This isn't a surprise to anyone who has been around me but I thought I should state it from the start before I begin. This is not a knock against anyone's religious belief or lack of one. To each, his/her own. And this is definitely not to say that I don't have a long history with religions. I'm very familiar with most religions- either through my own general interest in the subject, research for different stories, college courses (which were my second favorite classes after Poli Sci aka BS 101) and just life experience.



For example.....
My dad was a follower of the Nation of Islam, which hurt my pepperoni pizza loving soul.
My uncle's family were Jehovah's Witnesses, which resulted in me fallin asleep in a Kingdom Hall. Twice.
My family is black and Southern. I visited North Carolina as a kid. Nuff said. Figure it out.
I sometimes attend my sister's non-denominational church when I visit her down south. Her pastor is a chatty Cathy but it is generally a good time and the folks are nice.
I've attended Glide Memorial in San Francisco because a friend asked me too. I like that place because it is REALLY non-denominational. No overt religion pushing and was more about spirituality and being a good human. I would go back.
I live in New York and went to a private school with a lot of kids of the Jewish faith. Plus, my shoot-em-up neighborhood borders an Orthodox Jewish section. The beach around there could get interesting, to say the least.

"But Sean, are you spiritual?" If you are asking do I believe there is a God watching over personally or that a guardian angel of some kind has been assigned to protect me, then no, I'm not spiritual. I think we get through life, most of us at least, without a safety net, divine or otherwise, and a lot of it is chance and our will to move forward.
But.....
I do believe that there is meaning behind us being here. Even in my most cynical moments I would like to believe that the universe has my back in some way. If you call that spirituality, then yes, I am spiritual in the fact that I think there is something larger than us. Am I going to give this force a name? Nope. I'm not that naive or bold to do that. Am I going to go to a place weekly and behave differently than I would on a Saturday night? I probably won't unless a loved one asks me to go for just a morning, as I did in the above cases. Could I become religious one day? Maybe. Almost nothing is impossible and things change. I could probably see myself becoming a Buddhist maybe. They seem to be generally cool, especially compared to the Big Three.

Chill dude.

And I already do what I assume people would consider spiritual actions. I like to take moments to observe life, whether in a park or walking alone or sitting in my room. I meditate and contemplate the bigger picture when I wash dishes. I try to imagine the inter-connectivity of  humanity when I'm on public transportation. I get close to Nirvana when I'm washing my clothes at the laundromat.

Spin Cycle Zen.

With all that being said, I don't necessarily believe that the universe is just looking out for me. There are too many people and I don't think I'm that special. Everyone has their own path and sometimes these paths meet and chaos is created. It gets messy. Conflicts arises, which brings us to Ares.

This dude is all about the conflict.

I think conflict though by most definition is negative it can be constructive. I actually believe the nature of people is to be in a state of conflict with each other. I would even go so far as to scale that up to the universe as a whole. Creation is a messy affair, no matter if you are talking about biology or the creation of planets. Crashing masses starts off the processes that resulted in us. Forest fires can ultimately lead to new tree life. Conflict can become a tool for growth and evolution.

Ares embodies this conflict as the god of war. I choose to see the positive growth from conflict. Every encounter we have with another human is a conflict. That doesn't mean that we are always arguing or disagreeing with others. Sometimes we get lucky and are in the same side of a conflict or we can see the benefits of bits and pieces of both camps. These interactions make us better people and are constantly happening. I find that if you think of conflicts in this way the world moves a little easier for you. It also makes it less personal and more about your role with other humans. Sure, things won't always be cool and some conflict just arises from encountering asshats but you can still learn from these moments and also realize that those people have the problem and not you.

So, I'm seriously thinking about starting a temple for Ares worship.** Should I start a Kickstarter for this?

Hey, here's some Fiddy on spirituality. I like this.

*I really want to say Mars because he is slightly less of a bloodthirsty figure and more honorable than Ares. But Ares is a cooler sounding name and I, also, didn't want people to get him confused with the planet- although that makes about much since as worshiping an unseen deity but let me not open that can of worms again.
**No, I'm not. I will be investigating my beliefs more though.

Bad Knees

I've been reworking this post for awhile now and I thought I finally got it but LITERALLY in the middle of typing this I got some news that blew my mind and is tangentially related to this and another post I'm working on. Anyway....

I'm 33 and all my friends are grown-ups.
Me? Not so much.

I mean, I'm an adult in the fact that I can easily be convicted of crimes, I have to pay taxes when I work, my knees hurt from vigorous activity and, no matter how much I pray for it, I'm not going to grow any taller. And I got a lot of gray hair now so if you see me you'd probably say "Hey. That guy is a grown-up."
Ehh, that's only kind of true or, to be honest, was true a few times in the past. I have definitely had "grown-up moments" where I was paying full rent, cable, fixing the water heater, driving around, having a real bank account, etc. Currently, this is not my reality.

Example- I went to my 10 year college reunion (JEEZ!) in 2011. I didn't want to go initially but a)I'm always up for free booze and b)I usually succumb to peer pressure from multiple friends. So, I went and fun was had. We went and did juvenile stuff for a day and did a chorus version of  "Scenario" by A Tribe Called Quest which left us out of breath and me and my guy friends murdered a meal at a Cracker Barrel. So, good times for all.

But while I was enjoying myself with my old pals, I was also looking around. These people were mature adults. I was a fancy teenager. They had kids, were working on Master's degrees, were talking about weddings and mortgages and vacations they earned for committing to one line of work for years. What astounded me wasn't that some of these people were doing these; some of these folks were adult-ish in college. What shocked me was the fact that the jackanapes who I prank called people with and the girls who drank 40s of Olde English with were succeeding in their lives and were in charge of now taking care of the lives of others. It was amazing.

I don't know this girl but she'll probably raise children one day.

More amazing- my close friends, the people I've known since sixth grade through college, are also adults. They are married, have kids, houses and are accomplished. I have a pal that worked on Obama's reelection campaign, one saving people from subway trains, others who know "the people who run the world" and even two friends that have just had their film optioned after taking it to Sundance.

I'm writing this from a chair in my grandmother's house on her computer above the basement where I live and am underemployed. So, yeah. There's a difference.

And it's not that I envy my friends (I'm VERY happy for them) or that I even want their lives (I REALLY don't); I've just been unsure of my own path to adulthood. I know you can't follow anyone else's road, especially when you want to live a creative life, but it would be nice to see myself in the mirror as a mature functioning member of society more. I know that there are certain steps to do this and I will eventually get to where I'm going. It's just hard to look back at the start of that race where we all were and realizing that my silly mistakes, regretful decisions and "hippy living", as one of my pals put it, has me lagging a bit.

Yeah, we all have our race to run and you shouldn't measure your life against the lives of others but it's hard when you have surrounded yourself with awesome. But maybe I should take that as a positive sign. Like attracts like and maybe my awesome moments are still to come.

No.

They are DEFINITELY still to come and I will be an adult in more than hair color and body aches very soon.

Random Subway Thinking Thought

We are indifferent towards strangers, very nice to people we like and sometimes horrible to people we say we love. The latter occurs mostly because we take those who we can constantly depend on for granted. We hopefully grow out of it as we get older but some o u don't.

I need this dude to back up off me on this rain. See? That's actually treating a stranger more than indifferent. GROWTH!!!

Ubermensch

I e-mailed a tumblr post I stumbled on a little while back to some people I knew. I mainly forwarded it because it reminded me a great deal of something I was trying to write but I couldn't get out in the way I wanted. I thought the post was pretty decent and close to what I wanted to say.
The response back, although not shocking knowing some of my friends and their views on the world, was a bit disheartening. Maybe I missed something in the post or I read their replies incorrectly. So, I read everything again. Nope, I read everything correctly.
The key lines that stood out to me in the initial post were- "We should be Clarks. We should be looking for the good in people. Now of all times we should be helping people just because. We need to accept that everyone is going to have a different view on things (part of the reason Clark loves humankind is the sheer variety of it) and do our best to work together despite these differences. Rather than spending our days inside on the internet bitching about shit we wish we could change, we should be going outside and actually fucking changing it."
And in a response from a notoriously pessimistic friend- "(D)ude wants a better superman, go out and make a better world and stop bitching on the internets. " (Which I might adds is hilarious because the amount of epic rants I've heard from this guy...)
I realize they are both right and both frakkin' wrong.

Let me remind back to I want to say freshman year of college. This was my height of my "People are inherently evil" phase. I can actually remember having a discussion in one of my poli sci classes about how people are just terrible and they only do good to get something out of it, not "to be good for goodness sakes." Around this time I was talking to a close friend about my hate for then New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani while walking in Brooklyn. I said "If I had a gun, I would probably shoot him in the face." (Such a teenager thing to say, I know) My homeboy, either testing me or tired of hearing me whine about the situation, responded with "I can get you a gun. QUICKLY. You're not going to do it." My teenage brain quickly responded in anger that "YEAH. I WOULD...BITCH!" Naw, I didn't call my pal a bitch...that time.
But something in the back of my mind said "No. You won't." It had nothing to do with the fact that my friend wouldn't be an accesory to that type of crime and nothing to do with access to a gun. I could have easily got a cannon around that time. The "No. You won't" popped in my head because I knew that a)I was talking out my angry young arse b)me getting arrested for killing a mayor wouldn't solve the problem and c)I was (and am) better than that. It was simply an instantaneous response to me being angry at the situation of the world and someone testing my "manhood." My viewpoint on the world was screwing with my logic and grasp of reality and the feeling of being impotent just fueled my anger that much more. I was angry at the status quo, I was juvenile, I thought all human beings were horrible at their core and I figured I was powerless to change it.

Which brings us back to where I began. I was wrong then and didn't realize it.
My friend and the guy who wrote this post were both right. We should all go out and improve the world and stop bitching. But they were both wrong- my pal for doing what he wrote about people doing and also thinking the place isn't a potential place for change and this guy who wrote the post for who he chose to represent for the ideal we should choose.
Don't get me wrong- I love Supes. I think there is an inherent beauty in possessing that level of power and doing good with it- protecting the weak, stopping Brainiac, plucking scared cats out of trees. The only problem, which is the same problem with Batman (who the guy uses as the flip side argument) and other super-heroes, is that they aren't really changing things for the better. They are tools of the status quo. Many writers will make stories depicting them fighting people who are against the status quo but they are always the worst of us- doing it for money, domination or just sick terrorists who enjoy seeing the fear of others.
I think the ideal of Superman standing for truth and justice is important and if he really believed in that then he would be fighting for the little guy and going after the plutocracy that doesn't want anything to change except the threat to them, their money and their comfortable status.

We should do the best for our fellow humans and the world. We should fight injustice no matter what form it comes in. We should be open to other opinions. It's not easy but we should be the best people we can be. I'm not delusional. The world is corrupt and bad and some people aren't looking out for more than themselves and the ones they care about.
We NEED to be better than that.
The world is screwed up but we need to rise above that.
We need to be like the core of Superman's ideals but do more and change the world.
Ultimately, it's up to us to do it by whatever means we can.

Aliens

Earth is more than one world. Or maybe it's just a nexus of overlapping parallel universes of humans. A multiverse. Parallel humanities and societies and civilizations forced to interact with each other. Maybe that's why we don't get along.
My worldview may be distorted by too much sci-fi in the DNA though. I've seen too many monolithic worlds, worlds described as ice planets or desert globes. Too many episodes of Star Trek with worldwide uniforms that have skewed my view of humanity.
Or maybe I'm right. Maybe where we are living is the collision of a multiverse of Earths. The inhabitants of these Earths are trying to live as one on this too small globe of blues, greens, browns and whites.
Or perhaps EACH PERSON represents their own individual world society. We are each the spokesperson for our own unique world and our mission is like the United Nations. We are here to show the best of our people and try to learn from others. And, hopefully, live in peace until we return back to our home planet with new wisdom gleaned from the experience of living among other aliens on Earth.

Nosce Te Ipsum- Know Thyself

Been thinking about be an adult for a minute and, mostly, how I'm not one. I mean physically I'm very much an old guy. My actions and current status though say the opposite. I beat myself over it and try to find escape routes out of it but it grows harder. I see my friends moving forward and that both makes me smile and gives me a heart punch. But it's getting better. I'm starting to realize that like everything in life this is all a matter of perception.
I ran into an old classmate at one of my friend's film screenings. He sit down and talks to me and my friend's mother about his path. He is an actor and doing some big and life-fulfilling things now. He says that it's what he loves and that it came about through a journey of self-discovery. Then he says "You remember I was a bit of clown in high school, right Sean?" I just laugh and give a gentle nod.
Because I really don't.
What I remember was a fellow kid that fit in well and I didn't really have much interaction with him except for the rare moments we were in a class or on a sports team together. He had his friends and I had mine with limited overlap. If I had to describe him back then it would be a kinda corny jock who happened to date a girl I liked a lot. Hell, if you asked me to describe him a few years ago, it would have been the black guy that this white girl from high school got me confused with, which is strange because we look NADA alike and I am taller than him and she talked to him but not me back then.
But I just nodded because I am happy that he has found his joy, high school was a LONG time ago and, hey, maybe he was the joker in his crew. That's how he perceived himself and perception is how we control our own personal universes. Besides just motivating us, this gives us our power.
This is just my belief but I think that perception can change your existence and willpower and belief in your vision can alter your course. I'm not talking about an in The Secret way and just wishing for something to happen but just working isn't enough if their isn't a faith or belief in something backing your quest.
Back to this high school acquaintance/friend/dude I know. His saying that made me flash back to a conversation I had with my father. (Oh, yeah, trying to communicate with him more; another topic for another post) He was describing an incident where a teacher put his hands on me in elementary school. He was relating to me how when he got the call that he thought it might have been my younger brother ("Rock might have said some wild shit") or my older sister ("Relle probably fought him because he did something to her and she didn't play"). The thought of it being me never crossed his mind and he was shocked because "Sean gives me no problems" and is "the good one." The teacher did put his hands on me without cause and he was correct that I gave "no problems" but that perception of me kinda bugged me.
I mean I WAS a good kid. A VERY good kid. And I was always the one who was the smart, rational, calm one. This is not to say my siblings weren't geniuses or rational themselves. They were/are. It's just that THAT was what I was known for. The kid that read the encyclopedia. The son not cussing out my teachers (Rock). The kid not potentially laying the smackdown on someone for linestepping (Relle). And that felt good when I was like 8. But as I grew up I sort of hated that.
The perception we get placed on us can pigeonhole us into a role. It can pressure you and drive you crazy depending on how others see you. This only leaves 3 options-
1) Be mature, accept what people think of you and do what you want regardless
2) Accept that is who you are and become that person
3) Rebel and be the total antithesis of what people believe about you

I did a combo of 2 and 3. I would coast through school because the shit was easy to me and the only time I failed was because I didn't care and behaved accordingly. (Or maybe it was never diagnosed ADHD....) This was childish. The rebellion was costing me my future which I didn't realize until late.
On the other hand, I didn't care that I was fucking up because I just really HATED being "safe, good Sean." It helps to be calm but eating your anger for a lot of years can just create a maelstrom of rage and rashness that's ready to explode at any moment. I used to be shocked at the kids just going crazy in the schoolyard and my little brother just saying whatever to whomever but I understand now that that behavior is sometimes healthy, even if you might get slapped for it. You have released your fireball of anger and can move on instead of being in your late twenties/early thirties with the heat of a thousand suns right under the surface.
I'm finally dealing with balancing my emotions and not living up to anyone's image of me, although it still creeps up from time to time. I have come to realize others' perception has a limited control on my life. My family views me as one way. My friends see me as one way. Women see me as one way. But even with the way I'm perceived by others, MY OWN perception is going to dictate my future and how successful I am going to be in any and every thing I do.
Okay. Ramble done. Get back to steer your ship in your own universe and visit mine when you get the chance. Just know that that kid that I was is still there but he has more facets to his personality now.