Strange

Before I start, my dad is out the hospital after like 50 + days and I've taken baby steps to reconnect with an old friend/weird relationship lady friend. So most of this is good or at least moving forward.

Started back to tutoring last week. Only working one day during the week at my friend's place right now but it's cool and I'm still looking for other gigs as usual. The normal shite.

So, this week I went in as usual and held the elevator for this woman with a cane because I'm an awesome dude like that.

Good advice. Be like me.

I had a weird moment of staring and smiling with her as we watched the numbers on the panel light up. She ended up getting off on the same floor as me. Okay. She was a fellow tutor, who has apparently been working with the same group for the past 4 years but we've never met.

We were both early. I said hi to my friend and other people I knew but somehow we (me and the elevator chick) just dropped into conversation about random stuff with each other REALLY easily. It was strange.

It was weird that we had that moment (or at least I had that moment with her) and the ease of talking with a stranger was unusual for me. I'm very charming, false modesty be damned, and can talk to pretty much anyway I meet but this was different.

I have no idea what it means or if it means anything. I have a horrible habit of reading into things which I blame entirely on being a pop culture victim, with rom-coms, sci-fi and comic books being the usual suspects.

I've had times where I have talked with folks and during the course of a conversation had my brain tell me "You and this person will be real cool." I've had times where I've thought "Wow. That person is really attractive. I want make out with them" in public. This wasn't any of that.*

Is there a thing as "friendship at first sight"? We'll see where this goes.

PS- Totally unrelated note but I've learned that more of my friends, particularly the female ones, are more geeky than I knew. This shouldn't be a surprise to me, "birds of a feather" and the such, but it was.**

UPDATE- Never mind.

*Not saying she wasn't attractive. She was but I wouldn't say she was "my type."*** Anyway...
**I reread that and it's a bit sexist of me to not think they would be. I'm working on that patriarchal thinking instilled in my brain.
***Do I even have a type? Hmmm...

Bullshite/Just Do It

I've come to a realization.

No, not a realization but something obvious that I already knew but have a tough time applying to the reality because, well, I'm me.

I need to write and there is no valid excuse not to be writing pretty much whenever I get a free moment.

I mean, I already kinda do but those writing jags come in bursts and I have full ideas for stories that I've either a) have completed only in my head b) should be stopped/put off for later because I don't have a really good ending or c) have not uploaded/shared.

A lot of the time I invent excuses for not writing and the big one is always access to the necessary equipment, ie a computer.

This is bullshit.

People were writing before these magical boxes were created. Hell, I was writing before this thing. I still write with pen and paper mostly now anyway. The only thing about not having constant access to a computer is a valid excuse for is the quantity of content put on the internet by me. I can update my Tumblr and Pinterest pretty regularly so there should be no reason for me not to do the same with these blogs.

So, time to stop the bs and just do it. Throw up (good) work and get this noise in my head out into the world on a consistent basis as opposed to those nights where I'm in the zone.

Keep me honest, Russians and Latvians.

Carry On, My Wayward Son....

Well, it's about to be March (or it is March depending on how fast I can get this written and uploaded).

I didn't do as much as I would like to have done in February. I'm not happy about that. I was far less selfish during the beginning of the month. (By the way this is my Year of Selfishness; I didn't tell you? My bad) That's totally on me. I still have to finish my goals that I set for the end of March.

There is lots of craziness till occurring and things to deal with. I'm still not where I need to be but I feel oddly positive that I will do what is necessary for me to be happy and fulfilled and successful. I get these moments and I have to bottle all the emotion and drive associated with them. They can be fleeting and usually only happen when I have forgotten about or, at least, pushed my life, my folks and the world to the background into a static noise state. Helpful hint- Listening to this Gorillaz song helps immensely with this.

So, I'm gonna push to get the books (PLURAL!!!) done, make my blogs readable, attend to and clean up my personal life/affairs, work out harder and keep making myself more awesome. The Year of Selfishness and Also Awesomeness marches on. (see what I did there?)

But that's tomorrow.

I'm tired right now. Gonna watch Community, maybe a bit of Drive because that Gosling fella is so violently dreamy, try to FINALLY finish The Gone-Away World ** and sleep.

See you all on the 'morrow.

*I did it! Yay, me!

**It's one of those books that I always start that I never get through. I've pretty much given up on finishing Cloud Atlas. Maybe I'll give it another shot in the summer. ***

***Damn, summer isn't that far away.

I stole this from Jonathan Hickman....

because it was good and it hits so very close to home. You probably don't even need this because you got your shite together but I like this reminder.

RESISTANCE-

It was October 2nd, 2004. I was sitting alone, bawling my eyes out, in a little Greek restaurant about half a block from the hotel where I was attending a Robert McKee seminar. I was reading Steven Pressfield's book, THE WAR OF ART.

It's a book about overcoming obstacles that stand in the way of creative undertakings. It's about realizing the only thing preventing you from succeeding is yourself. It's about becoming the person you are meant to be.

Here's an excerpt- 
"We don't even know what hit us. I never did. From age twenty-four to thirty-two, Resistance kicked my ass from East Coast to West Coast and back thirteen times and I never knew it existed. I looked everywhere for the enemy and failed to see it right in front of my face."

From twenty-four to thirty-two... I WAS THAT GUY.

Pressfield uses the word resistance to identify that thing within every creative person that keeps us from actually creating: Doubt, procrastination, fear, etc.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

A couple months earlier I'd decided to try and make a go of making comics, but it was that night I stopped being a dabbler and became a creator. I went back to my hotel, sat down and wrote myself a reminder. Now, I read it everyday before I start work:

I am my own Enemy,
RESISTANCE is my Nature.

I am aware of RESISTANCE
And it prevents me from achieving the life I am Meant To Have.

RESISTANCE is Self-Generated, Self-Perpetuated.
It Lies and Seduces. Its goal is my Utter Destruction.
Every day is a battle for my soul.

This Moment, This Day,
I change my life.

Help me to defeat myself,
And realize fate.

Now, is all of this a little too spiritual? Is it too much new age, feel good, self-actualization?

Maybe, but am I committed?

ABSOLUTELY.

Bad Knees

I've been reworking this post for awhile now and I thought I finally got it but LITERALLY in the middle of typing this I got some news that blew my mind and is tangentially related to this and another post I'm working on. Anyway....

I'm 33 and all my friends are grown-ups.
Me? Not so much.

I mean, I'm an adult in the fact that I can easily be convicted of crimes, I have to pay taxes when I work, my knees hurt from vigorous activity and, no matter how much I pray for it, I'm not going to grow any taller. And I got a lot of gray hair now so if you see me you'd probably say "Hey. That guy is a grown-up."
Ehh, that's only kind of true or, to be honest, was true a few times in the past. I have definitely had "grown-up moments" where I was paying full rent, cable, fixing the water heater, driving around, having a real bank account, etc. Currently, this is not my reality.

Example- I went to my 10 year college reunion (JEEZ!) in 2011. I didn't want to go initially but a)I'm always up for free booze and b)I usually succumb to peer pressure from multiple friends. So, I went and fun was had. We went and did juvenile stuff for a day and did a chorus version of  "Scenario" by A Tribe Called Quest which left us out of breath and me and my guy friends murdered a meal at a Cracker Barrel. So, good times for all.

But while I was enjoying myself with my old pals, I was also looking around. These people were mature adults. I was a fancy teenager. They had kids, were working on Master's degrees, were talking about weddings and mortgages and vacations they earned for committing to one line of work for years. What astounded me wasn't that some of these people were doing these; some of these folks were adult-ish in college. What shocked me was the fact that the jackanapes who I prank called people with and the girls who drank 40s of Olde English with were succeeding in their lives and were in charge of now taking care of the lives of others. It was amazing.

I don't know this girl but she'll probably raise children one day.

More amazing- my close friends, the people I've known since sixth grade through college, are also adults. They are married, have kids, houses and are accomplished. I have a pal that worked on Obama's reelection campaign, one saving people from subway trains, others who know "the people who run the world" and even two friends that have just had their film optioned after taking it to Sundance.

I'm writing this from a chair in my grandmother's house on her computer above the basement where I live and am underemployed. So, yeah. There's a difference.

And it's not that I envy my friends (I'm VERY happy for them) or that I even want their lives (I REALLY don't); I've just been unsure of my own path to adulthood. I know you can't follow anyone else's road, especially when you want to live a creative life, but it would be nice to see myself in the mirror as a mature functioning member of society more. I know that there are certain steps to do this and I will eventually get to where I'm going. It's just hard to look back at the start of that race where we all were and realizing that my silly mistakes, regretful decisions and "hippy living", as one of my pals put it, has me lagging a bit.

Yeah, we all have our race to run and you shouldn't measure your life against the lives of others but it's hard when you have surrounded yourself with awesome. But maybe I should take that as a positive sign. Like attracts like and maybe my awesome moments are still to come.

No.

They are DEFINITELY still to come and I will be an adult in more than hair color and body aches very soon.

2013

That is all.

Too Much Noise In The Attic

(or, The Need For MDT-48)

I had a dream the other day. Not a normal dream starring me or people I know. It was a creative dream where random sparks of story start and ideas flow. I usually don't get these- most of my ideas come from walking around, seeing something or just a FLASH while I'm doing something else. I don't know if anyone else operates that way but I do.
Anyway, the dream were about this high school assassin (basically a ninja who was a Senior) who had just protected a girl with his smarter, more serious, more accomplished ninja best friend. They all get on a school bus and he ends up sitting next to a cute Asian girl. They talk and he finds out she has a crush on this guy a few rows back. The ninja guy tells her to go for it. Fast forward through the day and she tells the guy she likes him while this guy's friends are around. The guy says he has to think about it and that night the girl is attacked, only being saved by the original ninja assassin boy. He unmasks the guy that attacks her and it's one of her crush's closest friends. The ninja kid finds out that his new friend's father is part of a secret evil organization called Orcus that she doesn't know about and the guy attacking her is with the "good guys." The ninja guy is part of a group of assassins created to keep balance.

Then I wake up.

I quickly write all these notes down and come up with the idea for three different ninja/assassin guild type organization fighting each other for some control. There would be a teacher there who would be secretly a member of the same ninja group as the main kid. It all had some overtones of a quirky anime series.

I stopped myself before giving the characters names.

I was almost about to do it again. I was going to start another story, not finish it and be thrown off from the 2 or 3 tales I should really be working on, particularly the one I think it actually good (and potential money maker or at least publishable). I'm trying to break myself of this habit.
I get a bunch of ideas shooting through my head a day and it's SOOOOO hard to focus on one to completion. I have a few blog posts in different stages of completion, a story for a friend I just want to finish to be done with, a whole re-imagining of the Marvel comics universe from beginning to end that's NEVER seeing the light of day, an idea for a clothes line (or at least t-shirts) with character concepts and various other stories of varying length that distract me from getting the priority stuff done. This is not to even mention the big comic universe thing I've been working on since high school in one form or another that I had on a scandisk that shattered that I'm trying to recreate from memories and some stuff I saved online about it. That one REALLY kills me.
I need to figure out if this randomness of how my mind operates and works is a symptom of a real problem, normal crazy creative people operation or laziness and disarray at work.
Any way you slice it I have got to get to work on the important stuff. I'm about to miss a soft deadline I set for myself and I'm not happy with that. I'm going to get it done but I need to figure out what to do to make all these ideas work in the most productive way while also looking for work and living a life.

Sorry. I had to vent.I'll get it together.

What's Your Point...

You know, everyone I know is fighting to get back what they had. I'm fighting because I don't know how to do anything else. -Starbuck, BSG



I've been thinking a bit about my future. I do this a lot but it's mostly during a bit of drinking or something randomly good happens to someone I know and I experience a liminal moment. But lately I've been thinking about my path and the choices I've made and the choices I'm going to make. Particularly, I've been comparing my decisions against those of my close friends.

I really believe you shouldn't measure yourself against the yardstick of others but as you grow older and the people around you are moving ahead with what they want to do it becomes inevitable to compare yourself to them. I'm personally blessed/cursed with successful and focused friends. They have their idea of a future pretty well mapped out in their heads. They know what they want as far as career paths and what they love to do. They are married/engaged/in serious relationships/not emotionally stunted. They are moving in a direction.

Me? Not so much.

I've never been much of a planner. My goals have always been vague at best. I mean, I know I want to write novels and I think it would be nice to have someone to share a future with. But ask me how to get there or what I would do if I even got there....Shit, you got me.

It's that I don't want to be that kind of focused individual. I REALLY do. I just often think I have an incomplete set of tools to accomplish that. It infuriates me at points and I'm sure it must annoy the people around me. I imagine that they are looking at me like I disappointed them and maybe the world. I'm not that little kid who was smarter than the rest and wanted to do everything. Hell, I'm not even that dumb teenager/20-something who lived fearlessly and just DID stuff. I think something inside me went to sleep and I need to wake it up because at this point I'm just going through the motions of aging and living. I encounter a problem and deal with it but not with that hopeful reckless abandon I used to.

I mean look at that kid's crazy face.

I need to get that back. Or else I become Starbuck level screwed-up and I DO NOT want that. I don't think anyone does.

Talking Heads Once In a Lifetime....

My cousin came by to visit recently. I hadn't seen him in about two years since our little family reunion. I was in Vegas at that time doing "Sean things" and had come back to NYC to see my sister and her family who were in town from Tokyo. Since we were back, I guess my family decided to have a little meetup. It was cool. I saw a lot of folks I hadn't seen in a while and a few friends came over and I went out to gt drunk at The Rub after. So, basically, a normal summer Saturday for me at home.

But, anyway, back to my older cousin. He came there with my aunt and I talked to him a minute about the usual stuff while I was on the grill and drinking beer. It was kind of hazy (I WAS drinking loads of beer)but I do recall that he was married and I believe working as or with bounty hunters, which, to be honest, is pretty normal for my family outside of the whole married things. I was happy as long as he was happy and he seemed like it.

Flash-forward to now. He comes into town with a new job doing promotional things for Atlantic Records and separated from his wife. He is very happy and is part of the work for the Jay-Z tour. I'm happy for dude but it brings up a strange thought for me.

This guy was raised as a Jehovah's Witness and his parents pretty much kept him away from me, my brother and our other cousins when we were really small because either we lived on a bad block (which was very true) or we were bad influences (only marginally true). He moved out of state and me and my brother visited for a weekend here and there and for his graduation. Basically, his parents spent an inordinate time trying to take him away from "the street" and the things that go along with that. Fast forward twelve years and you really couldn't tell the difference between us and, in fact, some of the things he is doing now I've passed on already.

This makes me thinking about how I ended up in my current condition, hence the title of this post (step your 1980s New Wave music lyrics game up, kid).

I know logically how I arrived at my current state. It comes down to all the little discussions, smart choices, stupid foul-ups, random partying and every other choice I made. There are of course outside forces at work that could have affected my life more positively in terms of success if I followed them and definitely forces that could have had a HUGE negative effect.

Even with that knowledge I still find myself asking how did I get here. This occurs more frequently when I run into people I haven't seen in a while, which happens very frequently since I'm back in New York. It also happens a lot when I hang out or talk to my friends, most of whom I have known for at least a decade. My friends are highly successful or are on the way to living their dreams. It's always interesting that the same people that you walk along with on the same path can have vastly different endpoints. But, then I realize it's the shortcuts we take, the veering to the left and right, and th branching off to another path that crosses with your original path in the future that makes us truly individual. I share a lot of similar courses with my friends and my brother and have seen a lot of the same stuff. It's the stuff that I have saw on my own and those places and time periods that I have been alone that makes me the person I am right now.

The greater question I have to ask myself is why am I even contemplating this. I mean it's a good philosophical question but the truth behind it is deeper. I ask myself this because, to be honest, I'm not always happy with where I am right now. I can think of other options for myself and compare to the actual reality of my status, they are much better.

My questioning of how I ended up here doesn't come from a negative place. It's a tool that I'll have to keep utilizing to make myself move forward. When I am satisfied or at least content in the moment I tend to stagnate and just "be". After that, something normally occurs to make me unhappy and snap out of that existence and move on to the questioning phase. After that is the decision and action part of my life. I think that is what I am starting a new now. This cycle has always occurred with me and I'm not sure whether it is good or bad. I just know it is here and I deal with it in my way.

I hope one day I won't ask the question of how did I end up here and someone else will ask it of me. I will really smile because on that day I'll know I did what I wanted to, following my own path to my idea of success.

John Hughes and The Loners

The Loners, a Marvel comic book series by C.B. Cebulski and drawn by Karl Moline, had covers by artist Jason Pearson. They were all homages to John Hughes movies. Check the rest out below.

RIP, Mr. Hughes. Thank you for starting me back down the writing road again and making one of my favorite movies- Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Poor Today

I was going to post something about being poor and unemployed but I think I'll wait until I have a little more time.
(Yeah, I know-"You aren't working. What do you mean more time?" SHADDUP, YOU!!!)

In the meantime, I ran across this blog post on a particular interesting site and thought it said a lot of the things I wanted to say (particularly paragraphs 2 and 5) and had his own twist.

Enjoy.

http://pacingthepanicroom.blogspot.com/2009/03/we-are-officially-poor.html

I Hate Bluetooth Headsets

(okay, so the title doesn't relate to the post AT ALL, I'm just saying....)

DOOOO-OOOOH-YOOUUUUCHHHEEBBBAAAGGGGG!!!!

Anyways....

So I'm trying to get things back on track in my life. If you have read my blog for any length of time you would know that I'm spending a lot of time doing introspective work on my life. I still have work to do in that category but I'm also trying to work with practical solutions as well.

One of those is giving up the liquor. (For more on my progress on that, go HERE.

That is....proceeding. I guess that's all I can say on that but I have high hopes that it will save what little liver I have left, keep me out of too much trouble, stop blackout moments and save a little scratch.

The last reason is very important to me since I need money. Work hasn't been too great at providing hours, which is expected at the beginning of the year and is being resolved as we speak but money would help in a lot of ways with other parts of my life. Not going to get into all the details now but I have to get another job and get my writing more up to snuff. Cannot live this way for too much longer.

I have faith that everything will be resolved or on their way to a resolution by March. Until then, this is how I feel.

Venom= Current Issues; Eric Foreman= Me

I'll be cool. But, damn, a cold beer would be SO nice right about now.

The Traveler

I'm dedicated to this year being a WHOLE lot better than last year, which shouldn't be so hard to accomplish considering the general craptastic moments I had. I also am a realist and know that this goal of a good 2009 and further won't be accomplished over night. I still have a lot of work to do and I also have some stuff left over from last year to still deal with. Realistically, I won't see a substantial upswing until maybe April.

That being said, I have had a pretty meh first couple of days of 2009. New Year's Eve was okay even if low-key and sober but the last two or three days have been pretty piss poor. Getting stopped by the cops again, account and money issues, hours being loss at work, silly and not so silly arguments and being in a general funk have made this past weekend highly reminiscent of 2008. My roommate and my out-of-town pal offered to buy me a drink but I knew it would just make me more depressed and/or angry. I got so fed up with it last night I just went to sleep at around 8:30.

8:30. On a Saturday night. In Vegas. Yeah. Very wrong.

So, I wake up early to go to the library and do some writing and get my head clear. As always as this laptop takes a minute to come on and connect to the internet, I take a minute to stroll through the new fiction. Sometimes I'll find something I want or just something I wouldn't read but that turns out to be pretty good or at least a decent distraction. Today was no exception.

I picked up Traveler by Daren and Daniel Simkin. It had a nice basic cover and I was particularly interested because it was created by two brothers and I'm working on a story concerning two brothers. I was also recently thinking about trying to come up with something for me and my brother to work on because I fear we both might be treading water a little bit and might need a lil push.

Anyway, I open up the book and look at the pages and think this book is for kids. As I read it, I realize it could be for kids but it definitely contains a message for lost adults. Whether that's lost in love or being lost in your family or clueless with what you want to do, this book is for you. It's not a road map per se but it definitely makes you feel better about the choices or non-choices you have made. It sort of reminded me of Oh, The Places You'll Go! by Dr. Seuss, which is for kids but has more to say to young adults.

I don't want to give away much about the book because I think people should read it but I'll just say that the main character reminds me of myself, always searching for that perfect place and not living the life the way his friends do. They meet in the end and he is sad that he didn't do the things they did but they also want to hear how he did live his life differently than them.

This is particularly poignant for me on two levels.
First, I used to have a boss who told me that a man should look for something he is 75-85% happy with and be satisfied. Then, you can build on the rest. I think his point is that you can never find something that totally fulfills you but if you find enough things that do it most of the way the combination of them will make your life full. If we are always pursuing 100% happiness (which a lot of people do), we pass up the things with potential to get us to that place.
Secondly, I hang out with my friends when they visit here or when I go see them and I often find myself as the odd man out. They have taken pretty well-defined life paths and have a definite future that is pretty much set, either through good work or a passion that drives them. I always feel like the lost soul trying to get back on track. I was talking to my friend and he told me something that shocked me- he was at times a little happy for me because I just lived my life without boundaries and rules and just go with the wind. I told him I felt the same way about him and the others and I'm always scared that I screwed this thing called life up big time. But hearing that did make me feel marginally better and hopeful.

I guess we can't always see the positive aspects of our own lives and can appreciate those of others. The grass is always greener on the other side.

I still need to mow my lawn but it does make me feel better that someone sometimes peeks over my fence and thinks "Hey, you are living part of a life I want."

Yeah, I'm A Criminal

“A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.”
-Howard Scott

I was having a conversation with one of my friends about the state of affairs in the economic world. Actually, I was having this conversation with a few of my friends about this issue but this friend was complaining about his shabby treatment at his job and the cutting of hours. I suggested he steal as much company supplies in response. I said it as a joke (mostly) but it made me think. Banks are failing, governments are shutting down, people are being laid off, we are giving huge bailouts to corporations and the empire of America is in a decline. With the economy in the shitter as it is the only types of work that don’t seem to be experiencing negative effects are either the collection/repo services or criminal activities.

Criminality is a constant growth industry, kids.

Now, I’m not one to advocate criminality for just any old reason and there are definite crimes that I don’t give a pass on for any reason- rape, abuse of children, genocide- but like I said this conversation had me thinking and looking at my own wallet and bank statements I thought what are the pluses and minuses of some criminal enterprises….

Thief-


This category is broad. Any number of acts can fall into it- from stealing candy from the supermarket (which is only KINDA stealing if you ask me) to bilking your investors out of their money in a corporation. For the sake of this blog I’m going to address the one areas of thievery that I would have little to no problem actually getting involved in if shite got any tighter. I would become a gentleman thief or I would hit banks or other places where they have large sums of money.
Why? Well, first off, it’s LARGE SUMS OF MONEY. Secondly, most of these places are insured and the loss wouldn’t affect as much as say me knocking over a convenience story or mugging someone. Lastly, there is something mildly attractive about being a debonair thief. Like a smooth cat burglar.
Plus, if movies and comics haven’t lied to me, hot chicks either also steal and/or like dudes that do.

See where I'm going with this?

Reality Check- Yeah, very rarely do you get successful grand heists anymore with the advent of better security and technology. When someone does knock over the bank (the Joker robbing a mob bank in Dark Knight not being real) they usually make out with maybe a few thousand before they have to beat feet to avoid cops, if they are lucky. If not, you may do up to 20 years in the pokey. Might as well just get a job in the bank or get a girlfriend and holdup mini-marts across the U.S.A. while driving around in a muscle car. I mean, that’s what I would do. Preferably with someone who looks like Michelle Rodriguez.

Just saying. If you gonna do something, might as well go all out.

Drug Dealer-

This category is VERY familiar to me. I have got a lot of inside knowledge on it. If you are going to be a drug dealer become a drug lord. Why? Simply because if you are on the lower rungs then selling drugs is like working a shitty minimum wage job without healthcare or dental. The only plus about that is that drugs sell themselves so you don’t necessarily have to be a charismatic person to move your product. You are up early, have to move a lot of work and are out whether rain, sleet or snow. Fiends need that fix so you have to be around to give it. Couple that with rival dealers and drug abusers not always being the most reliable revenue stream at times, you are looking at a McDonald’s job with extra shooting.
A drug lord on the other hand stays home when it’s snowing, usually has nice things and if he/she is smart has money, lawyers on retainer and a nice cover story to get him through life.
Also, Eva Mendes. I think.

All good, right?

Reality Check- WRONG! Your ass is going to either jail, a cemetery or Orlando, Florida- all equally shitty places if you ask me. (no offense, people in jail and dead people*) Low level hustlers get a couple of months or years depending on your judge and your crappy public defender. Higher level guys can get out of some charges but most get hit by RICO.Goodbye.
On top of that, there are, again, people trying to take your spot by any means necessary, including murder, getting high on your own supply, and the threat of Orlando.

*shudder*

As Mr. Garrison says “Drugs are bad, mmmkay?”


Hitman-

Or contract killer if you want to get fancy on me. I think, for me at least, that this is much better than the whole drug dealing thing but definitely not as cool as dashing thief. If it’s done right you can make it sexy though.
Hitman offers multiple paths to make money. You can be a mercenary, paid to do dirt for random folks. You can work for one person/organization, which is nice because I heard mob bosses give out AWESOME fruitbaskets around Christmas. You can do government black-ops, super-secret hush work and assassinate guys that are a threat to oil, uhhh, I mean FREEDOM. Yeah, freedom. That’s the ticket. If you are really good, you can bounce from one thing to the next without care.

Then there is the whole mysterious killer thing you got going for you, particularly in bars **-
Lady- “What do you do for a living?”
You- “If I told you, I would have to kill you.”
(Lady giggles and gives you a playful slap on your chest)
Lady- “Shut up. Seriously, what do you do?”
You- “I’m a professional assassin.”
Lady- “Really? That’s HOT. Take me right here, Sean.”
(Or at least that’s what I imagine how that would go down. I get “Ehh. That’s cool” when I tell people I teach- go figure)

Reality Check- Okay, let’s skip all of the nightmares you might get from snuffing out a life and just say for example that you are one of the select few people who have no qualms about killing. You have to deal with jail time if you get caught. Yeah, yeah, I know. I have heard all that bs about “You get the same sentence for 1 body as 10” but you know what? A life sentence is a life sentence and the death penalty, from what I hear, hurts.

On top of that you have to realize how murder is going to affect your interpersonal relationships. Sure, you’ll get a few crazy girls who will bang you but those are also the women who cut you in your sleep.
You can’t marry that.
A good wife will probably look pass the whole stealing the Hope diamond or selling a few bags of Mary-Jane to pay them college loans but very few will roll with mowing down people for dollars.
If she IS cool with that, then she is probably an assassin like you and you just might have to kill her someday. Just to prove who is a better crazy killer.

Good advice-Don't bring a meat cleaver to a gunfight, son.

Not to mention your mother. You know mom doesn’t like killing. Probably be better if you are a porn star. At least you can look her in the eye and say you were the featured performer in Big Black Dicks Like Little Asian Chicks 8.....
Well, maybe you can. Not me. I'll love the Asian ladies for free. Just to make more chicas like this one.

I'm a humanitarian that way, folks.


*Okay, I've never been to Orlando but imagine it must be a little like Hell to spawn boy bands. Like Boston used to do in the 1980s. Fuckin' Boston.
** Ladies, switch Lady to Dude and my name to whatever yours is. Unless it's Sean, too, which is hot on any gender.

Random Knowledge

Collected knowledge from wise men of our time.

These gentlemen have, in my humble opinion, have been sent to our little planet to impart wisdom to the masses. It isn't everything you need to know but it is a lot to make your life better. Enjoy and learn.

Trust me. This will improve your life.

Mr. Manning has been dropping some knowledge for a while. Listen to number 18.

Peyton 1

Peyton 2

Peyton 3

Peyton 4

Peyton 5

And Randy Moss on keeping your money right.

And of course, the genius that is Mike Tyson.



Heed these words of wisdom from one of the true sages of our time....


You ARE a fool and these three men will help you. I included the pertinent links but I got more if you need extra help. Sucka!

Wesley Snipes

Ghostface Killah

Mr. T Gem 1
Mr. T Gem 2
Mr. T Gem 3
Mr. T Gem 4 (obviously I need some work with this one)
Mr. T Gem 5
Mr. T Gem 6
Mr. T Gem 7 building on Gem 6
Mr. T Gem 8
Mr. T Gem 9
Mr. T Gem 10 for a car commercial, it's very deep.

If you follow these jewels of knowledge, your life will be infinitely better. Trust me. And get rid of that food tongue, son.

Perhaps the most important advice from Mr. T- M.O.M. word.

It is the greatest book of common sense. EVER. The name of this book.....
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO PRETTY TONEY
by Ghostface Killah with J. Brightly

This book is not just awesome for it's sage advice but also for it's excellent pictures that make the book even better. Of particular note, is the pics of Donnell Rawlings (aka Ashy Larry) accompanying the pearls of wisdom.

Chapter Titles-
Livin':Y'all Sleepin' Too Much
Bobbin' & Weavin':Gotta Stay On Point
Wizdom:How You Gonna Tell The Chick She Can't Shit?
The Hustler's Diet:Just Look In The Cabinets
Toneology:We Gotta Bring It Back To The Table.
(The Hustler's Diet and Wizdom are my favorite chapters, by the way-true Jew-Elz)

The book also comes with an audio CD for y'all who can't spend time reading.

Get this book. Read it. Listen to the CD. Improve your life. Word.

I now need to find some of the wisdom that is Michael Irvin, who appreciated the finer things in life. Like crack cocaine.

The Good Life

I said in an earlier post that I have been pretty much off of television for awhile now, outside of a football game at the pub or random show at someone’s house. That being said I do have DVDs of good shows that are off the air or are/were on in other countries. I was recently watching a show that fell into both of those categories- The Office, the UK version. I was watching the series ending Christmas special and it came to the scene when Dawn and Tim got together finally. David begins to speak and well, I’ll just put down what he said-

“A philosopher once wrote, ‘You need three things to have a good life. One, a meaningful relationship. Two, a decent job of work. Three, to make a difference.’” - David Brent, The Office UK

Now, I had heard his words before but they struck a particular chord with me the other night. As you can tell by the content of this blog, I have increasingly been thinking about my future and what I want with my life. I think this quote (I’m afraid I don’t know who really came up with the quote or if it was invented for the show; irregardless…) is a good basic structure to plan your life around. It doesn’t cover the whole gamut of your experiences or what you have to do or deal with but it gives you a foundation to build on. Let’s see where I am with these three simple tenets and feel free to compare your own life to it as well.

A meaningful relationship- I know that he was probably referring to a relationship between you and someone special (which I will get to later) but I think this can also apply to familial relationships and relationships with friends. I’m sure there is a study somewhere that correlates positive interactions with these two groups with your personal life but I can’t find it so I’ll just use my own circumstances. I always perform and do better in almost all aspects of my life when I am on good terms with my family and am in contact with my friends.
It seems that my low points are always around those times when I feel alone or I’m arguing with one (or a few) of the members of either group. My job performance goes down and I get even lazier about doing my writing during those times. It saps my vitality. This is all to say that I have been more productive recently because I’m returning home for awhile and have been in more contact with almost all of my friends from back home and even out here in the desert. But let’s get to what you really came here for…

I definitely think you need all of what is stated in the above paragraph but your feelings of joy or sadness is also reflected when you have or don’t have someone special in your life. That’s not to say that you NEED a person to validate you or make you happy. Hell, you can be just happy with your family and friends and I think that everyone should experience single time in their life and be cool with it.
I’m saying that if you HAVE a special person (and you are on cool terms with them at that moment) you can get through a lot more even without the full support of those other relationships. I have a weird “thing” going on right now and it’s both frustrating and great at the same time. It could be much better in my opinion but I’m glad I have someone I can talk to sometimes (when she is available) and that is sometimes what galvanizes me through the day or those tough times. Even if the other person doesn’t always see it or you don’t say it enough, they can get you over that bump in the road or even that long bad road. If you get someone like that, keep them around as long as possible and be the best for you and them.

A decent job of work- I really like my job. Okay, let me rephrase that. I MOSTLY really like my job. It's good honest work that I can get through and complain the least about as compared to other jobs. I enjoy working with kids of all ages and even can deal with their snarkiness and bad taste in music.

Really? C'mon....I weep for the future.

No matter how crap the rest of my day is or even if I complain about them later, I really like those little crumbsnatchers and hormonal teenagers. I have done this type of work for about five or six years and I like the fact that I reach kids that feel the same way generally I felt about school- I like learning but don’t want to be in class. I couldn’t stand school and if you told me when I was in high school that this is what I would be doing, I would have laughed in your face and went back to our dark hallway to not do my homework. To give a kid knowledge of something even when they take me to the edge makes me feel good.
All that being said, teaching ISN’T my passion. I figure I’ll still do it in some shape or form for the remainder of my life but, what I really want to do is write for a living. I enjoy making up stories or, I should say, bringing stories to light. Those moments when ideas click and I see the path of these characters are golden for me. I want to spread my vision of the world and other worlds to folks and, hopefully, get a little change out of the deal.
I think that’s what he meant by a decent job of work- something you enjoy and that doesn’t make you want to SNAP! A job where you aren’t just going through the motions to get to five o’clock. I mean everyone does it some or even most days but to do it day in and day out kills your soul and really, what’s the point? You pay your bills but you aren’t living if you spend most of your day being miserable. That isn’t a life. Do something you love and if you can’t do that at least do something you like. That’s my two cents worth.

To make a difference- I think this is the noblest of the three and the hardest to explain. It’s hard to quantify strictly because it is so vague. Everyone has a different idea of making a difference just like everyone has different ideas about success and happiness.
To some, making a difference is a monumental undertaking such as engaging in a social movement or fighting for a particular group. To others, it’s creating a change in their community or correcting familial problems. That’s the beauty of making a difference- it’s unique to everyone but at the core it’s about creating interpersonal relationships and making a change to the world whether on a small, personal level or globally.
I think I want to make a difference and I do right now. I think that is the one thing on this list I always do regardless of how the other two factors are going. I’ll always educate even when it’s not for work and I’ll always help out, even if it something as simple as helping someone carry their bags, giving someone a lift, helping the elderly or staying with someone until the ambulance comes. I feel most content with this element of my life and hope to make it a bigger component the more successful I get with the other two.

So there you have it. I hope this wasn’t another rambling mess and that you actually got something out of it and that it makes you think about your own life. Maybe you have other benchmarks than these three for having a good life. If you do, good on you. Go for those. I’m going to use these and try my best. Hopefully, we meet in a good place with equally good lives.

Bears, Beets, Battlestar Galactica

I haven't watched television in about three months.

Okay, that's a lil bit of a lie. I've seen the odd half hour of programming here and there and when I visited the Midwest I watch some TV. I saw a few episodes of True Life, the Democratic Convention and a Cubs game but I have generally not see TV in a minute. I haven't even been keeping up on my online viewing using Hulu.

I'm not saying this to brag either. I'm not one of those people who thinks watching TV lowers your intelligence or doesn't have a TV in their house because they are better than that. Fuck that shite. I really like good TV like 30 Rock, The Wire and The Office and some of our best entertainment content can be found on the small screen.

No, I stopped watching TV because my roommate moved his television to his bedroom and I was too lazy to find a new TV right now. So, I have gotten used to not watching television.

Has it made me more productive? Not really. Instead of spending my new free time writing more (which I have increased a little) I've made up for my lack in television viewing by reading more books, watching DVDS and returning to my foolish ways a la this character from my favorite TV show.

Sweet, sweet Starbuck and one of our shared bad habits....

I'm going to continue this non-TV viewing experiment and actively try to cut back on my other distractions to see how productive I can be. I mean I HAVE done more work than usual but I have also been out enjoying life more (read- drinking in lounges with wimmen-folk). I have to cut back on the latter and increase the former.

Hello, ladies.


I'll never say that viewing television is a hindrance and wrong and killing brain cells(wow, I just spelled brain like brian; maybe I'm totally wrong about all this;hmmm.....) and I do miss The Office and Psych. I will give this no TV thing a little more time though and actively try to utilize my new spare time in the best possible way.

....

At least until the new final season of BSG starts. Frak that. Gotta see how it ends, son. I mean they DID finally get to Earth. C'mon.


Just don't kill Helo and keep Starbuck crazy and we are cool.

I Actually Enjoyed A Knight's Tale

As always this post starts out of a conversation or two of three with my friends, who are, generally, smarter and better at making headway in life than I am. So, when they begin to discuss how things aren’t going there way or that they are lost, I get worried. Not to be totally self-absorbed and I DO care profoundly how my friends are doing, I instantly think “If this person is in bad straits, what the hell does that mean for me?”

One particular conversation that had me write this comes from a friend who is in a very similar state as I’m currently in. She was talking about how she gets bored with a lot of things and really has no concrete issue in one thing so it becomes hard for her to just choose a life path. Her telling me this made me reflect on this idea I had a week ago and have been thinking about for awhile actually.

I always have this love for watching movies set back in gladiatorial times or movies with knights or other periods involving simple people fighting and living. Not that I see an abundant amount of people that resemble me in these films but I’ve gotten used to it and watch these flicks for the stories and characters. I realized what I really like about these movies and it may sound weird.

I like the fact that these people either play the role they were assigned in life or attain a role they want and is fun for them. Their lives are simple- you do what you do, fall in love, fight, have children and pass on. If you are particularly good at what you do, your story lives on forever.

Now, this may seem weird especially from someone who wants to do everything and hates to be told what to do but I wish sometimes that my path was planned like that. Like, “Hey, here’s a sword. You are a soldier. Go.” There is no debating, no internal struggle. I have a sword and I either fight or I die. That’s it. Simple. And after the fighting is done for the day, I do whatever the hell I want. Or maybe it wasn’t like that. Maybe their lives sucked in a different way. I don’t know.

Maybe I want a simplified existence to make my life easier to manager and get through. If it’s all planned, there are no questions. I like questions but I also like to not stress about what I’m going to do next. So yeah, I watch these movies to escape reality and think about a simpler lifestyle.

Or maybe I just think I would be bad-ass with a sword. Who knows?

This May Be A Debilitating Disability (No, not really.....

....but it sure ain't good)

When I'm at work or just out, my mind gets flooded with ideas and things that I have almost fully planned out. I'm ready at those moments to bang out words and stories like no one's business.


This is my brain when I SHOULD be doing work. POW! ZOOM!

Then I get a free moment like right now and.... nothing.


G'mork. If you get the above reference, you were born in the 70s or 80s.

It's not even that I lost the ideas or don't know what to do. It seems my brain steps in and says "slow up. is this viable?" or "well, mr. smart guy, you have all these ideas and notions, which one are you going to start with?" I get through some things after toiling for a while but nowhere near the level I should be cranking it out.

This is my problem. I think it is my main problem, actually, and if I was able to overcome it then I think my life would run substantially smoother.

Maybe I need Ritalin or something. Don't want to depend on drugs of any kind though.

Suggestions? Ideas?

Daydream

Dammit. I need a free intern to slap me around and make me do the work and put down all the stuff I got running through my head, like story ideas and deadlines to set and not BS around. Where can I get one of those?

Oh, hey. You have one. What do you call that?

Ahh, you call that Focus (TM). Yeah. Need that. And you say most people come with that? Weird. You sure?

That's standard? I don't have to pay extra for that option?

Oh. I do. How much?

Wait, I already did a partial payment? I paid for most of it? I've used it before?

Okay. Where did mine go then?

Okay. I see the lazy bastard. Let me go and wake his out-of-shape ass from his drunken stupor. Thanks for the heads up, Rest of Most of The World.