Tuesday, February 10, 2009

No More Runners

(writing this post I realized it could go on my other blog but due to the seriousness and broadness of it I put it here)

When I was discussing my plans to be sober for the Year of Our Lord 2009 with my friends, I had a few nay-sayers and a few folks who were behind me. What I found most amusing was the most valid advice is what I got from my friend, well, we’ll just call him The Angry Speakin’ Rican.

Anyway, I told T.A.S.R. what I was up to and he gave me a little wisdom because he also gave up the drink as well. He suggested that I find another outlet for release because he said that he often drank the most when he was in a disagreement with his loved ones, particularly his girl. He has other distractions to take his time up and suggested I do the same.

Me, being the stubborn jackass that I am, took his advice and filed it under Stuff That Works for Others But That I Don’t Necessarily Need. I mean I drank just because and I pretty much only drank when I was happy.

Yeah. Good times.

Obviously, I was lying to myself.

True, I mostly got bent because I was gonna have a good time and it made me looser and willing to say whatever I wanted to say. They say liquor gives you imaginary muscle but it also grants you the ability to think you are smoother than you really are. When I’m drinking, I’m cocky and believe I’m Don Juan. I never necessarily planned on doing anything (at least not recently at all) with anyone while drunk but it would give me an excuse the next day for a poor decision in deciding to hook up.

So, I didn’t really take what he said into account. I mean, people always piss me off and I shake it off or at least give that appearance and I don’t really/kinda sorta have a girl to make me upset so I had clear sailing. I could beat this thing cold turkey with a blindfold on while skiing downhill on one leg.

Besides, while I didn’t have the outlets he had, I had made a promise to myself to do one good thing or have one good moment of feeling great every day no matter how shitty things were.

I had this sober and getting right thing licked.


I’ve been dealing with some shite that I’ve only hinted at with some folks and kept the rest to myself. (Read past posts for why) Anyway, on Monday, I talked to a friend who is more than a friend and …it’s confusing. Whatever. Let’s just say this person called me out on some shit and, although it was true, the manner in which she said it made me feel like crap. I realized it wasn’t what she said but how and who said it. Someone I worked with could say the same thing and probably in the same way and I would forget about being hurt about it in like an hour tops.

Fours hours after she said it I’m still thinking about it and how she said it without any mercy. First, I was angry at her that she said it but quelled that quickly because I didn’t feel like arguing and ruining my good feeling/thing of the day, which I did for her and my mother. Then, I was pissed at myself (and still am) for the validity of what was said. Then, I got pissed at her again after thinking about it and I’m still a little ticked off but I swallowed most of it again like I used to. I always swallow people irritating me because there is usually a bigger problem to deal with anyway. I had a few thoughts at that moment but the one that slipped in that shocked me was this one.

“Damn. I wish I had a drink or three right now.”

I knew I wasn’t going to go and get lit but the fact that that was what was floating around in my head told me I wasn’t going to have an easy time of this. I didn’t have a plan like “I want to get some drinks and watch a game” or “I want to get a drink and go dance.” No, what I wanted was a drink and someone to complain to and make me forget for a few hours.

For all I joke and BS, it was very real in that moment. I also knew T.A.S.R. was right- when those you love or want to be better for get into your head; you look for something to deal with it and/or push them out. Whether that thing is negative or positive is ultimately up to you. I decided it was going to be positive.

I reaffirmed myself that when I wasn’t working, looking for more work or looking for housing then I was writing or working out. I had to get into proper habits because I was asked if I feared failure like I was once asked before and I knew the answer was Yes. Although I was afraid to say it and admit the truth in that moment, I thought about it and yes, I am and if you say you aren’t, then you are lying to yourself.

No one likes to fail. I HAVE failed before. I have lost it and I have been beaten. It’s not a good feeling and for all that crap you hear about learning from your mistakes, I firmly believe that if anyone had the option then they would choose to learn without slipping. I know I would. This is also one of the reasons that no matter how bad things are right now and the standing invitation from my mother I WILL NOT be going back home. It might be foolish pride talking but I need to do this on my own (somewhat) for at least six more months.

So, I have vowed to do what I want to do for my future, which includes improving myself and doing what is good for me and not what anyone else thinks is good for me. I’m the only one who knows the way and I appreciate the advice but I have to find my own path. If that is cool and you can go with me, then that’s awesome. If not, oh well. I’ve been left before. I’ll always have a seat waiting for you if you are good enough.

It’s up to you but I know what I have to do.