Thursday, February 14, 2013


DISCLAIMER: I don't want this to come off as mopey and if I write it correctly, it shouldn't. This is just, as always, something that I'm thinking about and things that happened and what I thought/felt about them with limited filter. If it comes off as anything other than me writing and working through stuff, well, NO ONE TOLD YOUR ARSE TO READ IT ANYWAY, DUDE! Joking. Just joking. I just don't want to be seen as Moe Mopeystein, I hate that guy.* I'm really a joy to be around. Just ask my mom or (some of) the ladies I vaguely describe in the following.

I've had three girlfriends in my life. Okay. Let me clarify. I know three women who, if pressed, would say that they were at one time romantically attached to me. This is not to say that I haven't dated others (not many), hooked up with others (too many?) or just had magical, perfect moments with others (far too few) but I've only had three ladies that would say "I was in an exclusive relationship with that handsome and witty fellow." Or at least that's what they would say when I hear it in my head.
I could have had more or different girlfriends. Or I would like to believe that. There have been moments in my past where either fear or the thought that the grass was greener or not being mature enough has stopped me. From that time in 3rd grade where I turned down being Rebound BF Kid to my weird dealing with interracial attractions in high school to most recently agreeing not to tempt fate with a powerful friendship, I've passed or have been convinced to pass on some potential relationships. Some may have even turned out to be good in the long run but you really can't cry over what-ifs as a grown-up, which I'm, sorta, am.
So, instead, let me do a quick rundown on actual girlfriends I've actually had. This is how I recall these going down but my historical viewpoint might be skewed due to time and me wanting to look good.

High School Girlfriend- I went out with this young lady for a short time. She was my first real girlfriend. I believe she asked out a couple of my friends first before she got around to me. This is not to say she was bad for that because a) teenagers are assholes and b) I think I started dating her because all my other friends had girls at the time too and who wanted to be that single guy with the wifed up friends (like I am now). I was a bit of a follower and succumbed to peer pressure about some things back then. I can't even describe the shite I consumed just from dares. 
Plus, she had LARGE boobs. Like I said teens are assholes.
Anyway, this skips over the fact that she was generally cool but I was not mentally prepared to go out with a girl I only kinda liked. We lived far from each other, I think she had an idea of romance in her head that wasn't "hot" for a teenage guy who thought way too much with his penis and, honestly, I had a crush on another girl that I did nothing about throughout most of high school. It wasn't fair to either of us and we ultimately broke up. 
We're in contact through FB off and on now.
Fun Fact- Her dad scared the shite out of me. I think this helped me with my approach to male family members later.

College Girlfriend- This was the first girl that I admitted out loud to that I really cared about. Okay, I said it in a letter but that should give me some points, right? Anyway, this relationship was based on jokes, actually liking each others company and putting in a bit of an effort. She was cute, intelligent and a smart-ass, which are three things that sit on the top of my attraction list. It was fun times for me and that wasn't just do to the copious amounts of weed being used back then.
She was also my first real indication that I had a bit of a savior complex. She was in a relationship with a shitty guy and I tried to be extra relaxed and not rushing because of that and to make her feel better. I thought I was still pretty open with my feelings with her but she told me recently that she wasn't really sure at times how I felt about us. It was my old lack of the proper expression of emotions coming back to bite me in my arse again.
This one fell apart when I didn't return to school for a semester and she found someone else. One of my pals told me the news randomly in an elevator at school. I was upset but I became an expert at taking those feelings and assassinating them.
We are still pals and she gives me good advice when I actually share what is going on with me.
Fun Fact- I really wasn't a huge fan of the dude she went out with after me. He seemed like a dick and did dickish things. My friends became his friends though, which is frakked if I really think about it.

Worklife Girlfriend- I was the boss and she was an employee. Or I was at least a supervisor at times to her. I was at least a few years older than her and should have known better. This relationship occurred in the midst of my partying twenty-somethings days, which is the PERFECT time to be in a committed relationship with someone, right? I know. I'm a smart boy.
With our age difference we had very little to talk about besides work and our relationship. She also couldn't go to the same places as me. So, I'd come over to her place drunk from a club before sunrise and that was when most of our relationship happened. We did go out on a few actual dates but it was not going to go well from the jump. I was her first "adult" relationship and it was a big responsibility that I failed at.
We should have listened to her cousin when he asked us "Are y'all sure?" Broke up after a party for her mom's birthday. Told you, I failed at the responsibility. Don't act so surprised.
We were friends on FB in that we were on each other's friends' list but we only talked once in a blue moon. Or maybe a chartreuse one. Heard she is doing well.
Fun Fact- Although we didn't last, my two friends who started dating/hooking up on the same night are still together all these years later.

As I write all of this, I know I'm skipping over a lot of important ladies. I'm not just talking about my straight up platonic friends who are awesome or family members, who educate me just by me observing them and their interactions. I also mean the single hook-up girls, the drunk women I've made out with and the two or so women I've had a friendly, sexual but non-dating relationship with who may have taught me the most. You can really learn about the thought process and bad knowledge we have about the opposite gender when you talk to someone that you only have a mainly physical relationship with.
"I think you should wait on calling that dude.  You deserve better, f-buddy."

Which brings me to my most important non-familial and not just platonic female relationship...

This one has taken many twists and turns that I will not delve into here at this time. Suffice to say, it began like some weirdly contrived rom-com and has definitely has not arrived where I think it will go but that's part of the maddening fun. We're close friends with a HUGE layer of weirdness developed over several years to almost married couple levels. We both have issues that need to be worked on but I think our fight/love back and forth has helped us both. It's not bad, this weirdness. It comes from loving each other immensely. I think this relationship has been particularly trying at times for me because of the issue of love. Love is a big word for me and I don't say it aloud a lot. It's not that I don't possess love for people- friends, family, attractive strippers- I was just not raised in the type of environment with hugs, hand holding, greetings in the AM and saying "I love you." Curtis gets me.

To say "I love you" to someone who was not a female relative openly to someone was a big step for me. Those words are still major to me, so much that when people use it freely I still at times find myself thinking they don't value the power behind it as much as I do. I know this is untrue with the people I know but I said it before- I got issues.
This is probably why this relationship is very important to me. I would confront some of my issues as I age anyway, I would hope, but I like doing it this way with someone who is with me on this journey. We have different paths figuring out what is best for ourselves but we take a lot of our route, if not together, then as support for each other. 

And no matter how many flippant remarks or complaints I drop when I'm frustrated, I am very happy that I have this person in my life and I'm sure (she better) feel the same way. **
And if not, well, that's the thing about life, right? It goes on until it doesn't.

*I'm not antisemitic; I just thought Mopeystein was a funny last name. I respect the Jewish faith and have love for all my Abrahamic brothers and sisters. Y'all know this. L'chaim, kid!
**This, just this is SOOO close to us.

I Think I'll Start Worshiping Ares*

I'm not religious. This isn't a surprise to anyone who has been around me but I thought I should state it from the start before I begin. This is not a knock against anyone's religious belief or lack of one. To each, his/her own. And this is definitely not to say that I don't have a long history with religions. I'm very familiar with most religions- either through my own general interest in the subject, research for different stories, college courses (which were my second favorite classes after Poli Sci aka BS 101) and just life experience.

For example.....
My dad was a follower of the Nation of Islam, which hurt my pepperoni pizza loving soul.
My uncle's family were Jehovah's Witnesses, which resulted in me fallin asleep in a Kingdom Hall. Twice.
My family is black and Southern. I visited North Carolina as a kid. Nuff said. Figure it out.
I sometimes attend my sister's non-denominational church when I visit her down south. Her pastor is a chatty Cathy but it is generally a good time and the folks are nice.
I've attended Glide Memorial in San Francisco because a friend asked me too. I like that place because it is REALLY non-denominational. No overt religion pushing and was more about spirituality and being a good human. I would go back.
I live in New York and went to a private school with a lot of kids of the Jewish faith. Plus, my shoot-em-up neighborhood borders an Orthodox Jewish section. The beach around there could get interesting, to say the least.

"But Sean, are you spiritual?" If you are asking do I believe there is a God watching over personally or that a guardian angel of some kind has been assigned to protect me, then no, I'm not spiritual. I think we get through life, most of us at least, without a safety net, divine or otherwise, and a lot of it is chance and our will to move forward.
I do believe that there is meaning behind us being here. Even in my most cynical moments I would like to believe that the universe has my back in some way. If you call that spirituality, then yes, I am spiritual in the fact that I think there is something larger than us. Am I going to give this force a name? Nope. I'm not that naive or bold to do that. Am I going to go to a place weekly and behave differently than I would on a Saturday night? I probably won't unless a loved one asks me to go for just a morning, as I did in the above cases. Could I become religious one day? Maybe. Almost nothing is impossible and things change. I could probably see myself becoming a Buddhist maybe. They seem to be generally cool, especially compared to the Big Three.

Chill dude.

And I already do what I assume people would consider spiritual actions. I like to take moments to observe life, whether in a park or walking alone or sitting in my room. I meditate and contemplate the bigger picture when I wash dishes. I try to imagine the inter-connectivity of  humanity when I'm on public transportation. I get close to Nirvana when I'm washing my clothes at the laundromat.

Spin Cycle Zen.

With all that being said, I don't necessarily believe that the universe is just looking out for me. There are too many people and I don't think I'm that special. Everyone has their own path and sometimes these paths meet and chaos is created. It gets messy. Conflicts arises, which brings us to Ares.

This dude is all about the conflict.

I think conflict though by most definition is negative it can be constructive. I actually believe the nature of people is to be in a state of conflict with each other. I would even go so far as to scale that up to the universe as a whole. Creation is a messy affair, no matter if you are talking about biology or the creation of planets. Crashing masses starts off the processes that resulted in us. Forest fires can ultimately lead to new tree life. Conflict can become a tool for growth and evolution.

Ares embodies this conflict as the god of war. I choose to see the positive growth from conflict. Every encounter we have with another human is a conflict. That doesn't mean that we are always arguing or disagreeing with others. Sometimes we get lucky and are in the same side of a conflict or we can see the benefits of bits and pieces of both camps. These interactions make us better people and are constantly happening. I find that if you think of conflicts in this way the world moves a little easier for you. It also makes it less personal and more about your role with other humans. Sure, things won't always be cool and some conflict just arises from encountering asshats but you can still learn from these moments and also realize that those people have the problem and not you.

So, I'm seriously thinking about starting a temple for Ares worship.** Should I start a Kickstarter for this?

Hey, here's some Fiddy on spirituality. I like this.

*I really want to say Mars because he is slightly less of a bloodthirsty figure and more honorable than Ares. But Ares is a cooler sounding name and I, also, didn't want people to get him confused with the planet- although that makes about much since as worshiping an unseen deity but let me not open that can of worms again.
**No, I'm not. I will be investigating my beliefs more though.