Thursday, February 14, 2013


DISCLAIMER: I don't want this to come off as mopey and if I write it correctly, it shouldn't. This is just, as always, something that I'm thinking about and things that happened and what I thought/felt about them with limited filter. If it comes off as anything other than me writing and working through stuff, well, NO ONE TOLD YOUR ARSE TO READ IT ANYWAY, DUDE! Joking. Just joking. I just don't want to be seen as Moe Mopeystein, I hate that guy.* I'm really a joy to be around. Just ask my mom or (some of) the ladies I vaguely describe in the following.

I've had three girlfriends in my life. Okay. Let me clarify. I know three women who, if pressed, would say that they were at one time romantically attached to me. This is not to say that I haven't dated others (not many), hooked up with others (too many?) or just had magical, perfect moments with others (far too few) but I've only had three ladies that would say "I was in an exclusive relationship with that handsome and witty fellow." Or at least that's what they would say when I hear it in my head.
I could have had more or different girlfriends. Or I would like to believe that. There have been moments in my past where either fear or the thought that the grass was greener or not being mature enough has stopped me. From that time in 3rd grade where I turned down being Rebound BF Kid to my weird dealing with interracial attractions in high school to most recently agreeing not to tempt fate with a powerful friendship, I've passed or have been convinced to pass on some potential relationships. Some may have even turned out to be good in the long run but you really can't cry over what-ifs as a grown-up, which I'm, sorta, am.
So, instead, let me do a quick rundown on actual girlfriends I've actually had. This is how I recall these going down but my historical viewpoint might be skewed due to time and me wanting to look good.

High School Girlfriend- I went out with this young lady for a short time. She was my first real girlfriend. I believe she asked out a couple of my friends first before she got around to me. This is not to say she was bad for that because a) teenagers are assholes and b) I think I started dating her because all my other friends had girls at the time too and who wanted to be that single guy with the wifed up friends (like I am now). I was a bit of a follower and succumbed to peer pressure about some things back then. I can't even describe the shite I consumed just from dares. 
Plus, she had LARGE boobs. Like I said teens are assholes.
Anyway, this skips over the fact that she was generally cool but I was not mentally prepared to go out with a girl I only kinda liked. We lived far from each other, I think she had an idea of romance in her head that wasn't "hot" for a teenage guy who thought way too much with his penis and, honestly, I had a crush on another girl that I did nothing about throughout most of high school. It wasn't fair to either of us and we ultimately broke up. 
We're in contact through FB off and on now.
Fun Fact- Her dad scared the shite out of me. I think this helped me with my approach to male family members later.

College Girlfriend- This was the first girl that I admitted out loud to that I really cared about. Okay, I said it in a letter but that should give me some points, right? Anyway, this relationship was based on jokes, actually liking each others company and putting in a bit of an effort. She was cute, intelligent and a smart-ass, which are three things that sit on the top of my attraction list. It was fun times for me and that wasn't just do to the copious amounts of weed being used back then.
She was also my first real indication that I had a bit of a savior complex. She was in a relationship with a shitty guy and I tried to be extra relaxed and not rushing because of that and to make her feel better. I thought I was still pretty open with my feelings with her but she told me recently that she wasn't really sure at times how I felt about us. It was my old lack of the proper expression of emotions coming back to bite me in my arse again.
This one fell apart when I didn't return to school for a semester and she found someone else. One of my pals told me the news randomly in an elevator at school. I was upset but I became an expert at taking those feelings and assassinating them.
We are still pals and she gives me good advice when I actually share what is going on with me.
Fun Fact- I really wasn't a huge fan of the dude she went out with after me. He seemed like a dick and did dickish things. My friends became his friends though, which is frakked if I really think about it.

Worklife Girlfriend- I was the boss and she was an employee. Or I was at least a supervisor at times to her. I was at least a few years older than her and should have known better. This relationship occurred in the midst of my partying twenty-somethings days, which is the PERFECT time to be in a committed relationship with someone, right? I know. I'm a smart boy.
With our age difference we had very little to talk about besides work and our relationship. She also couldn't go to the same places as me. So, I'd come over to her place drunk from a club before sunrise and that was when most of our relationship happened. We did go out on a few actual dates but it was not going to go well from the jump. I was her first "adult" relationship and it was a big responsibility that I failed at.
We should have listened to her cousin when he asked us "Are y'all sure?" Broke up after a party for her mom's birthday. Told you, I failed at the responsibility. Don't act so surprised.
We were friends on FB in that we were on each other's friends' list but we only talked once in a blue moon. Or maybe a chartreuse one. Heard she is doing well.
Fun Fact- Although we didn't last, my two friends who started dating/hooking up on the same night are still together all these years later.

As I write all of this, I know I'm skipping over a lot of important ladies. I'm not just talking about my straight up platonic friends who are awesome or family members, who educate me just by me observing them and their interactions. I also mean the single hook-up girls, the drunk women I've made out with and the two or so women I've had a friendly, sexual but non-dating relationship with who may have taught me the most. You can really learn about the thought process and bad knowledge we have about the opposite gender when you talk to someone that you only have a mainly physical relationship with.
"I think you should wait on calling that dude.  You deserve better, f-buddy."

Which brings me to my most important non-familial and not just platonic female relationship...

This one has taken many twists and turns that I will not delve into here at this time. Suffice to say, it began like some weirdly contrived rom-com and has definitely has not arrived where I think it will go but that's part of the maddening fun. We're close friends with a HUGE layer of weirdness developed over several years to almost married couple levels. We both have issues that need to be worked on but I think our fight/love back and forth has helped us both. It's not bad, this weirdness. It comes from loving each other immensely. I think this relationship has been particularly trying at times for me because of the issue of love. Love is a big word for me and I don't say it aloud a lot. It's not that I don't possess love for people- friends, family, attractive strippers- I was just not raised in the type of environment with hugs, hand holding, greetings in the AM and saying "I love you." Curtis gets me.

To say "I love you" to someone who was not a female relative openly to someone was a big step for me. Those words are still major to me, so much that when people use it freely I still at times find myself thinking they don't value the power behind it as much as I do. I know this is untrue with the people I know but I said it before- I got issues.
This is probably why this relationship is very important to me. I would confront some of my issues as I age anyway, I would hope, but I like doing it this way with someone who is with me on this journey. We have different paths figuring out what is best for ourselves but we take a lot of our route, if not together, then as support for each other. 

And no matter how many flippant remarks or complaints I drop when I'm frustrated, I am very happy that I have this person in my life and I'm sure (she better) feel the same way. **
And if not, well, that's the thing about life, right? It goes on until it doesn't.

*I'm not antisemitic; I just thought Mopeystein was a funny last name. I respect the Jewish faith and have love for all my Abrahamic brothers and sisters. Y'all know this. L'chaim, kid!
**This, just this is SOOO close to us.

No comments: