8 FAKE JOBS I'M GONNA SAY I HAVE AT PARTIES-
I go out (or used to got out) to a fairly decent, and at one point some would say indecent, amount of parties. As you past into the age of majority, parties and meeting new people become pretty much routine. You walk up to someone who appears attractive/interesting/easy/desperate for attention and strike up a conversation. With very few remarkable cases, the topics of conversation are pretty much always the same-
-"How long have you known such-and-such?"
-"Where are you from?"
-"Is that a good program for me/my preschooler/my drug addict uncle?"
-"Man, this weather is crazy, right?"
There is slight variation but the one question that ALWAYS comes up is
"What do you do for a living?"
I HATE this question.
For a few reasons this question annoys me, the chief being that unless that person is self-employed or has dedicated their life to their career it doesn't really tell you anything about the individual. I'm more interested in what you do for fun. I mean you can tell me you're a heart surgeon but I'd probably be more willing to engage in a conversation with you if I knew your hobby on Saturday afternoons was engaging in large-scale LARP (ask a nerd) in a local public park. I mean that shit is CONVO GOLD, son.
Meet your surgical staff. Hey, Dr. Tumnus and Nurse...Snake-Eyes.
I also hate this question because of the reaction I get when I tell people what I do. I like tutoring/teaching and have enjoyed doing it for the past few years. I also like writing and hope to do that for my life but when you tell people this stuff you get either a nice nod, a statement about either the education in this country sucks or it is a "spiritually rewarding job" (which it is but that's really a nice way to say "Hey, how's that Ramen taste, chief?" *) or they ask you how you can do it. Bastards.
To combat this potential lull in the conversation I sometimes encounter I have come up with 8 Fake Jobs that I'll tell people I do. (And I mean fake as in I don't do them.** Obviously, some of these jobs exist. The others...should)
HARPOON SALESMAN-
A noble profession, a harpoon salesman allows one to talk in a raspy voice and curse a lot. If you are selling harpoons to sailors you are familiar with that element and should be a salty sea-dog as well. ARRGGGHHH! It's like being a pirate with full dental in my mind.
This fake job affords you the opportunity to make up fanciful stories about giant fish and kraken and "bringing down the great beast." Plus, you can use it if you had eye surgery and are required to wear an eye-patch. Everyone always says pirate with an eye-patch. You are unique and say harpoon salesman is the way you making your drinking money.
Note- Do not use if you are a dude trying to pick up a hot vegan/animal rights advocate. Will blow up in your face against the power of Greenpeace.
CHOCOLATIER-
I stole this one from my boy Sung. It's genius. I mean, who doesn't love chocolate? (What? You don't? Weirdo...)I imagine that you can invent stories of how hard it is to get fruit and nuts into those small bars or you can lead a group discussion on the merits of caramel versus peanut butter. Maybe you can discuss the history of nougat.
You don't know about nougat?
FUCK IT.
Who is gonna call you out on it? Who does know about nougat?
I mean, besides THESE guys.
WISHING WELL DESIGNER-
You are the crafter of dreams and the maker of magic. You create little portals to wishing that, hopefully, no little kids will fall down. That would be sad.
Wishing wells are a well-known (excuse the pun) aphrodisiac. No really. Test it out. Try telling someone you are an artisan that crafts the receptacle of dreams and NOT be making out with that person in the span of eight minutes.
Just look at that gods-damn thing. Magnificent.
Go on. Try it. I dare you. I'll wait...
See? Told ya, son.
FYI- Just make sure you tell them that no little girl was dumped in there to later haunt people with a death tape. It's a mood killer, like Herpes meds in the medicine cabinet.
AWKWARD.
PIE COURIER-
Just like chocolate above, who doesn't like pie? (What? That's it. You have to go, buster)Everyone likes pie. You might not like all of it but I'm sure there is a type for you out there in the world. They come in such a varied assortment.
Apple. Rhubarb. Cherry. Chocolate. Whipped cream for clowns. Even mince-meat for you sick freaks out there.
With being a pie courier, you have the double hit of being able to talk about delicious dessert and all the weird people you encounter on your routes. Or you can invent pie emergencies, like that one time that famous celebrity party almost died until you came and saved the day with the Blueberry Special No. 7.
What I imagine a pie courier to look like. Delivering to Niggars.
KNIFE THROWER-
The best job in the circus after anything acrobatic and being a lion tamer. So you are probably saying to yourself "Self, why would Sean recommend I use this fake job instead of the superior two?"Number one, stop referring to yourself in the third person. It's annoying. Only Sean can do that.
Number two, it's simple. If you are an acrobat, people expect you to be fit and pliable. You can be a FAT knife thrower. If you are a lion tamer, you have to be brave/crazy. You can be a TIMID knife thrower. I mean you are throwing knives AT someone, not vice-versa)
Although I suppose one could be a CRAZY knife thrower if you want to work that angle.
Relax. And, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T MOVE!
As a knife thrower, you are free to make up tales of near misses, traveling a lot, being away from family(sympathy angle) and all the interesting people you meet/work with.
Plus, if someone asks you to throw a knife just say you pulled something and you can't. Who is really gonna argue with a guy that can accurately throw knives at folks?
SANDWICH ARTIST-
Yes, I mean that kind of sandwich artist. A SUBWAY Sandwich Artist. You might not think this is a wise choice but I think it is awesome if you follow one highly simple rule- Play this role as if you were a HIGHLY SERIOUS Sandwich Artist.
There should be no hesitation, no fear and definitely no shame.
Commit to the lie and take pride in your work and it's artistic merit.
You are employed and make an honest living. We are living in a recession and you have a job.
This lie works best in the most highly sophisticated of wine and cheese affairs. To have the balls to attend one of the cotillions and then say you work at a minimum wage job shows you have no fear. An are probably a tiger in the sack or at the very least someone to know.
On top of that you are a DAMN ARTISTE. (Make sure you pronounce it AR-TEEST)
Fuck Quizno's. I make ART, dammit!
Compare yourself to Van Gogh and DaVinci. Just do it. Only haters would DARE say something.
Run with the beautiful lie, you BLT Rembrandt.
UNDERWATER WELDER-
I picked this for one reason above all- NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT THIS JOB.I mean you THINK you know but unless you are in this field, you don't.
Underwater welding, besides being lucrative($60-80 per hr, I believe), is a perfect career to invent fake stories about. All you need to do is take the lies you told with being a Harpoon Salesman, add a dash of anything you saw on an episode of Deadliest Catch, some stuff you saw the guys at SeaWorld do and a pinch of using power tools and TA-DAH! you are officially an underwater welder.
Plus, any and I do mean ANY scars you have can be attributed to your job. You are like a cowboy-mechanic-Aquaman combo.
PORN STUNTMAN-
WARNING! This should only be used in the most liberal of situation and/or by only the boldest of liars. If used in the wrong venue, incorrectly or not fully committed to, it will blow up horribly in your face. The plus side about this fake career is that even if it falls apart on you, you can turn it into a joke and either referencing your real boring ass job or one of the other 7 above.
When you use this lie, don't make a lie about "tagging out" with a porn star to body double during sexual acts.
One, nobody believes that.
Two, who wants to be the stand-in girl during the fellatio scene?
Instead, lie and say you are the stuntman on a regular stunt-type action scene. Like you worked on a porn with a random car chase and you were the limo stunt-driver while the girls were "having fun" in the backseat. Or you were the stand-in for the pizza boy when his bike somersaulted over that truck in front of the lonely MILF's house. We are going for some semi-believability here, people.
Or fuck it, say YOU ARE A STUNT DOUBLE DURING THE SEX SCENE.
I got this T.O. ***
Just make sure that any fictional career you choose that you follow these simple rules-
-Commit fully.
-Stay in character.
-Invent interesting situations.
-Be earnest.
-And when the story ultimately falls apart (oh, and it will), SMILE and make sure the other person enjoyed their time they spent with you.
Because, at the end of the night, life and parties are about having a good time.
Cheers.
*- Delicious, by the way.
**- There are, of course, jobs like ninja, cowboy, lumberjack and space pirate but I wanted something a little more outside the norm.
***- Saw him on Bangbus once so it COULD happen.
