Monday, September 8, 2008

Alpha- Zeta

something just to fill space and pass the time...have something new tomorrow.

A. Attached or single? Single. Mostly. Kinda. Ok, let's just say it gets complicated at times.

B. Best friend? E, Al n Mess.

C. Cake or pie? Cake. Fuck pie. Chocolate preferably.

D. Day of choice?
Friday. Most would pick Saturday but since I work pretty much everyday Friday is the most relaxing.

E. Essential item? Dogtag.

F. Favorite color?

G. Gummy bears or worms?
Worms are superior to bears. More gumminess for your buck.

H. Hometown? New York City and more particularly Far Rockaway, Queens. Don't sleep, son.

I. Favorite indulgence?
Watching DVDs in a quiet bedroom.

J. January or July?
I guess January. Less work, new start and none of that make me wanna murder heat.

K. Kids? I don't have any. I think.

L. Life isn’t complete without?
My friends and some of my family.

M. Marriage date? None currently.

N. Number of brothers and sisters? Whew. Okay. 2 older brothers. 2 older sisters. 2 younger brothers. That's all. I think.

O. Oranges or Apples? Apples. Oranges are only good for juice.

P. Phobias? Dogs (but only a little bit now). Failure. Destitution.

Q. Quote? We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.- Oscar Wilde

R. Reasons to smile? I'm probably not at work right now.

S. Season of choice? Fall (or Autumn, if you wanna get fancy). I like hoodies.

T. Tag 5 people: Nope. If you wanna do this, then just do it.

U. Unknown fact about me? I really think you guys know everything I'm willing to share. Okay, I have the amazing talent of passing up booty for months. It's not as easy as it sounds. Trust me.

V. Vegetable? Cucumber. Is that a vegetable or a fruit? Think its a vegetable.

W. Worst habit? Procrastination.

X. X-ray or Ultrasound?
Alright....X-Ray, I guess. Like the images. Makes me feel like Superman.

Y. Your favorite food? Anything burger related. Or salmon.

Z. Zodiac sign? Sagittarius and read into that whatever you want.

Money Vs. Happiness

Had a chat with a friend about her dealings with dudes. She has the issue of a lot of guys after her who make a good amount of cash but are not the best people. I told her I would rather be happy and broke then rich and miserable.

I thought about that statement yesterday and realized it was sort of BULLSHIT. Sure, my ultimate goal in life is to essentially be a happy individual but thinking about it I don't think that is possible as a broke person. Being broke is bearable but it isn't a happy existence. I can be broke and be happy for moments or a few days but ultimately reality kicks in and its usually a nut shot.

I've had a job in NYC that paid well but I half-hated it. Okay, I hated it about 75% of the time and moreso right before I quit. I have a job that keeps me above water and I love it 90% of the time. Which situation would I rather be in? Well, excluding outside factors (location, relationships, etc.), although the NYC job drove me a little crazy, at the end of the week I could go out and drink with my boy or hop on a plane and get out of town. With this job now, I'm generally happy at work but I'm not able to roll out like I use to and, although your relationships with people are supposed to be independent of your wealth, the situations for fun doesn't present itself when you can't go to see the folks you want or you can't afford that next round. This especially sucks when you are the "broke guy" in the group. Yeah, your friends don't mind too much hooking you up with a drink, especially if you would hit them off if you had it but a lot of the time you feel like a bum about it. (Or at least I do. Pride has kept me in on more than one occasion, unfortunately. But I hate feeling like the anchor bringing down the night, even if I'm really not)

So, which is better- money and miserableness or broke and contentment?

I say neither. I want money to spend/saved up and a truly happy life not one where I'm just okay, barely. But if these are my two choices, the romantic in me is going to go with being broke but the realist in me (who really needs to keep a foot in my arse nowadays) says to get that paper and if the scenario sucks, take some of that green and do something you enjoy with people you like.

Massive Fail- Not Me, Please

I was out of town about a week or so ago and spent some time with a friend at her mother's house. While there I met this guy. He was going through a time of it and was struggling at this point to get his life straight or at least he should have been. This guy was in his forties, unemployed, living with people out of the kindness of their hearts and on top of all that has a pre-teen kid. He had just went through about the roughest couple of months I had heard of in a minute. I initially felt bad for this dude. Initially.

As I talked to him more, I began to realize a majority of his problems were self created. He was/is a womanizer with little respect for the opposite gender. He gets into situations without plans on how to get out of them. He does nothing for himself as far as living his own life.

Not a good look. Not me.

As I was driving from what seemed to be a scene written out of a bad episode of Maury or Jerry, I was talking to my friend about my own plans (alright, she was grilling me as usual). My plans as always are an outline and she said that if I didn't get them to be more concrete that it was a slippery slope to beeing this guy. That hurt and I confronted her about it and she apologized and she said she knew I wasn't going to be him. But the fact that she even said it and my own talks with him gave me pause. Me and this dude had some similarities.

Bad in relationships?
Leaping without looking? Check.
College drop-out? Check.

My saving grace is that I don't have any kids, I'm not a tool like him and although I procrastinate I will do what is best for me and I'm willing to work for it. My best friend assured me I was right and that I didn't have to worry about being him. Ever. He was a victim not because he was REALLY a victim but it was the path of least resistance to declare that the world was responsible for his station and life and he didn't have to take responsibility for it. I've always been the complete opposite and believed that 98% of the situations I get into are a direct result of my own choices.

But it did make me reflect on something. I've always been gifted and I used to try hard when I was really young and even in high school, although lazy, I still had success in my eyes. Even when I wasn't trying, shite worked out for me. My friend used to joke I was rolling down the hill of life and when I got to the bottom I would stand up and shake off all the gold and assorted riches that I just happened to accumulate along the way (I just thought it was my Spidey-Sense on overdrive helping me get out of jams). But even with this, I don't know, karma looking out for me I still had in me a feeling that I would come out on top by my own merits. This spark drove me.

I'm looking at this guy and thinking where did that spark go in him and ultimately, me?

I like to think of myself as almost as smart or as smart as my friends. I think I have the same capabilities as many of them. I think I'm as creative as the really artistic one. The question that bugs me is am I missing that key component that makes them successful or gives them the drive to not just let life sweep them along? What is it that makes people push forward and why am I lacking it? I have a million (okay, a few hundred) story ideas but I can hardly finish one of them. Why do I crap out on things? I know some of it stems from how I used to approach things in school. Things were easy for me so I would get bored and try to move onto something else. Or if it was going to be a huge effort I just shut down- not that I couldn't do it but maybe because I was afraid of succeeding at it.

I don't know. I may just be babbling at this point but I think I'm just in the process of finding that...thing to make me push and do what I want and be successful at it. Something to stop me from being that guy in the back of a car living off the kindness of strangers.