blackfriday*

Turning 35. Wow. That means I'm about to reach that border land age on surveys before it turns over into people kinda but not really caring what you think about products unless it's for your kids. Whoa.

Anyway....

There is a belief that every seven years the human body goes through a cycle of rebirth. That every cell in our bodies becomes brand new and we pretty much have a whole, new form.** This brings me to the old thought experiment of the Ship of Theseus or the Theseus Paradox.

"The ship wherein Theseus and the youth of Athens returned from Crete had thirty oars, and was preserved by the Athenians down even to the time of Demetrius Phalereus, for they took away the old planks as they decayed, putting in new and stronger timber in their places, in so much that this ship became a standing example among the philosophers, for the logical question of things that grow; one side holding that the ship remained the same, and the other contending that it was not the same."

—Plutarch, Theseus

Essentially, the experiment asks if you replace the pieces of a ship piece by piece but assembled in exactly the same way, it it the same ship or a totally new vessel?

I'm not sure about the ship. I don't know if it is now truly different but I can answer that question for me. 

No. 

And yes. Very much yes.

No, because I'm still the same person at my core that I have always been. I still have hope that the world can be better than it is. I still trust people more than I should sometimes. I believe that science has the potential to allow us to do anything. I'm still boyishly handsome. *** I still like geeky things and am always excited for what the next thing I've never read before is going to be.

Yes, because the things at the top of my priorities lists are still there but they have shifted around. Some of the things I would argue for or against have committed a complete 180. My faith in humanity has declined and risen and declined again.

35 years of dealing with humans can do that.

I appreciate the things that are the same about me and the differences that have arisen over the years. Sean at 7, 14, 21 and 28 are different dudes with the same inner being. 28 year old Sean was definitely a VERY different guy in that crowd. 

He was also, apparently, a ninja from Shaolin. Not the temple but Staten Island.

As I approach this personal liminal time of year for me, I often look back on what has led me to this new year of being, as I imagine a lot of people do. That often turns into an intense dissection of my life choices swiftly moving into personal judgments of my shortcomings shifting down into wondering if my choices have negatively affected the bad choices of some of my family and comparisons to my friends and age-specific peers.

Me and this dude are the same age and he is married to Lisa Bonet. Are we even the same species?

This all, ultimately, spirals down into me being depressed about where I am, how I look, what I haven't done and a wish to return to 9th grade so I could make myself do crunches, stay in, write, not listen to what people wanted/expected to me to be and stop pining over random girls who won't be interested in me and look at the ones that were actually interested. 

But not this year. This hasn't been my best year but I think it has definitely been one of the years with the most inner growth. I have done all the stuff that I just listed and I have definitely traveled down a dark road or two with the line of thought described above. You can ask a few friends I have been drunk with about those moments. But I've also, and this is fairly recent, come to appreciate the better qualities I possess. Sure, I make stupid decisions sometimes but they are mine to make and maybe they aren't stupid but just silly seeming now. Maybe my subconscious is guiding me more than I thought.

My path is not the same as my friends or family or even what people think it should be. I have to live for myself. I got stuff to work on and improve but so does everyone. There are things I want and things I have learned that I want and I know I have to change and/or adjust my thought processes to attain them. I'm committed to that, with a little of the old "Sean sucks" mentality.**** I have potential and can do amazing things. Just gotta do 'em.

I think this next year can be great for me. No. Will be great. I have to embrace aspects of the new/potential me (completing things, communicating better) and definitely have to tap into the good stuff from the past versions of me (hope, confidence bordering on cockiness). If I get all this together, I foresee a great adult. Gotta get that balance. It's about time.

Happy Birthday, dude!

I'm gonna make the rest of my life as good as I possibly can. 

Watch.

*I went back and forth over that title. It was a tossup which included Adultish, 35 Years Young and Gray Hair, Don't Care.

**Some people also say it's ten and science calls "bullshit" because our bodies are in a constant state of cell death and/or birth. Neither of these works with my post so I'm sticking to seven years. Suck it, science.

***These are just facts, people.

****I'm not going to say none because a)I know myself and b)I also use some of those darker moments as fuel to do stuff.

You Can Spell It With A Y All Day...

I normally try to not comment or even concern myself with the discussions of race. For one, I think my opinions on the matter are pretty self-evident in that I'm for the freedom and liberty of all people and I sometimes mess up but I would like to believe that even when I do make these errors in actions/speech, I'm a decent enough human being to apologize and correct myself. Secondly, as a black man in this country who happened to spend time in the South for family visits and went to predominantly white schools from around the age of 12, I've encountered my fair share of overt racism and it's gets exhausting dealing with it or trying to explain the reason something can be offensive. I know that my very existence can be viewed as a political stance but, seriously, it's 2013 and I've been on this planet for 30+ years and I'm tired of speaking on it.

There is so much going on with issues of race/sex/class/power constantly that sometimes I'm like "Someone else is going to talk on this and I'm not going to say anything new and I'm preaching to the choir anyway." I just shut up and concern myself with geeky issues instead.* It usually serves me well in keeping me sane.

Plus, it's kinda smarmy to just comment on stuff when I know for a fact I'm not going to put on pants and take to the streets about something.

I'm really not taking back my city today. I'm gonna clear my DVR instead.

I don't want to give up. I don't want to not fight for equality and justice and education in basic levels of respect but sometimes people irritate me to the point where I want to grab my ball and go home.

Then, there are times where I get so irritated that I have to at least comment.

Such is the case with this bullshite response to this article.

Now, I'm not here to argue what Santa or Jesus looked like (I'm like Kanye in that way). I frankly don't give a shite and that's up to you. You can use facts or whatever you want these guys to look like to motivate your opinions. I can care less if you think either of these figures were real or not too. That's on you and you have the right to believe anything you want to believe in regards to that or how you choose to portray these two figures in your church or house. Whatever. 

My issue is with this line- 
"Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn't mean it has to change."- Megyn Kelly

What?

Jon Stewart probably described that best last night with "I think that's the official slogan of oppression."  I think that's it's also the slogan for the opposite of progress.

Things change. That's the nature of the universe. It's universal law. And, most of the time, it's for the betterment of mankind.  Very rarely do you find people fighting to keep things the same or "traditional" to end up on the correct side of history.

Jackasses, all.

And before you say it, I don't believe Megyn Kelly is as bad as the above asshattery. I've actually agreed with her before. Once. She is also on an inflammatory network that, for all that jazz about "fair and balanced", is really just an outlet to speak in a highly conservative slant. I also don't believe that she is an out and out racist. She may in fact be a racist but I don't get that feel from her and would need a definitive statement to say she is. Racist undertone to her comment? Yes. Intentionally racist? Ehh...

I DO think she is suffering from the same strain of disease that a lot of people with privilege and power suffer from and I'm not talking about affluenza. It's ignorance of how things are, why they are the way they are and a lack of empathy for others.

They have this belief that everyone is like them and thinks like them. This is pretty common in all or most members of humanity. The problem with their thinking like this is that they have privilege gained from power from their ancestors in past years that directs how the world actually works. This is why the standards of beauty and the way we think about things are the way they are. The white male viewpoint is the unfortunate default setting and any thinking outside of this causes an uproar and a feeling of "I'm being attacked" or "we're losing" in this group.** Any changes to how they conceive the world should be is answered with an immediate argument and being aghast that you would even suggest something so outlandish.

"Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn't mean it has to change."- Megyn Kelly ***

The privileged thought process is simple- "It doesn't have to change if it's in support of those in power AKA me. If you complain about it, something is wrong with you and you are being an uppity minority/woman/LGBT person. Tradition is tradition because it's great, for me. You aren't a slave/live in America/have "equal opportunity"*** and if you complain and want things to be more fair, well, then you are attacking my freedom and I can't allow that because I can't lose. My ancestors have never lost and I won't give up any power to help you at the least feel decent about yourself. Stop bringing up old stuff because it's in the past and I don't want to think about it and it hasn't affected me in a truly negative way so who cares?"

I care. 

Minorities care. Women care. The oppressed care. And if you really give a damn about humanity, you SHOULD care. It's not losing when someone else wins or gets a little more freedom. We all win. And that should be our ultimate goal in everything. 

We all win and we are better humans because of it.

Stop being an arse. Be a good human.



*This industry has its own issues with race, sexual orientation and gender representation.
**Which is INSANE since white dudes haven't lost since the year 982 when Native Americans whupped up on some Vikings. White dudes are in fact the Harlem Globetrotters of history.
***'Fuck out of here...
****Bullshit.

A New York Magic Moment

There are rare moments when you are reminded that people can be alright and not stressful and can make you feel good to enjoy their company for a time. I find these moments occur a lot but usually when you aren't looking for them. Strangers can come into your existence for a second and be your pal for that moment and it's great. Single serving pals can be wonderful. Here is the story of my train ride with cool, tired people.

I had just left the ATCQ/Yeezus concert and hiked to the A train. My plan was to catch the F train at the next stop uptown and ride that all the way to the bus home. For some reason, the F was acting funky and only got me a little into Manhattan before I had enough and said "Screw it. I'll take my chances with the J."

I go to the J platform expecting to deal with more MTA late night shenanigans but surprisingly the train arrives pretty quickly. I get on and grab an empty seat by some young, Latino woman with a nose ring. I'm tired but amped from the activities I just left and figure that the ride home will be pretty much about me being alone in my thoughts with no interactions with others. This is generally how I like it but this lady beside me had other ideas.

"Where are you coming from?" she asked me. I could tell by the drawl of her voice that she had also had a few drinks in her system for the night.

"Brooklyn. The Kanye concert. It was cool," I replied.

"Really? That's cool. Where are you going now?" she asked.

"Home, to sleep," I answered. "Last stop."

"Well," she said, putting her hand on my arm. " Do you mind if I take a nap on your shoulder? I'm getting off at the Junction and I'm tired from dancing all night. I'm a stripper."

(At this point I was gonna let her sleep on my shoulder anyway because frak it, she wasn't gonna bug me by doing so and although, I want to think I'm noble like this fine fellow* I realize I'm shallow enough that I'll let an attractive woman use me as a pillow. Anyway...)

"Cool," I said.

"No, I really am," she said. At this point I look across the way at this older black lady, her friend and this woman who was closer in age to me. They all looked at me and smiled, particularly the latter woman.

My seat buddy digs into her bag and pulls out here shoes a bit so I could see the clear heels.

"See? I'm a stripper," she said again.

"Aight," I replied because really what else was I supposed to say?

So, she put her shoes back in her bag and closed it up. Then she wrapped her arm through my arm and proceeded to doze off on my shoulder. She woke up every couple of stops to remind me that she was getting off at the Junction and I just told her to go back to sleep, I'd make sure she got off at the right stop.
The entire time the three people across from us were just smiling and laughing at this entire scene.

At one point she got up and said something about how her mother was going to be pissed with her because although she was just eating dinner after her shift, her mother would probably think something else since she was getting home so late. Why she told me this, I had no clue but I just told her to be honest and she had nothing to worry about.

I actually enjoyed the comfort of her being there with her arm wrapped around mine. It was a very non-sexual moment with someone whose work was wrapped up intricately in the world of sex, or at least the fantasy of sex. It was just nice to have the human contact and with nothing implied or wanted or anything awkward in the moment. For that short train ride we were just two buddies enjoying the comfort of being at ease. And judging by the smiles of the folks around us, it was contagious.

There are a few moments when you realize how awesome NYC is. Sure the people here can be brusque and maybe even rude and the transit system and the weather can suck. But at the heart of all that rushing, fast-paced, tough people existence the people of this city can just be calm and cool and helpful. We can all vibe off our energy and enjoy the crazy life trip we are all partners in, at least for awhile.

I nudge my stripper friend awake at Chauncey street, the stop before the Junction. She smirks and says "Good. I'm almost home and awake, no thanks to you."

"Yeah, whatever, girl," I say back. "Just get home safe and rest."

"Will do," she replies as we roll into her stop. "Thanks for the shoulder. Night."

"Night."

The train rolls on. The old lady and her friend (actually it was friends) ride with me to the last stop. The Latino woman about my age across for me has really enjoyed watching me interact with my dancing pal. When she finally gets to her stop, she smiles and says "You're nice. Have a good night."

 "Take care," I say back, realizing that if I didn't sit next to that chick and she didn't ask for the use of my brawny man shoulders then we wouldn't have exchanged any words.

Wow.

Strippers can be magical.

So can this damn city.

I liked you for a brief moment, humanity. Thanks.

Please and thank you.

* I actually DID think about this guy when she asked me so I guess I'm a little better than I think of myself at times.

Strange

Before I start, my dad is out the hospital after like 50 + days and I've taken baby steps to reconnect with an old friend/weird relationship lady friend. So most of this is good or at least moving forward.

Started back to tutoring last week. Only working one day during the week at my friend's place right now but it's cool and I'm still looking for other gigs as usual. The normal shite.

So, this week I went in as usual and held the elevator for this woman with a cane because I'm an awesome dude like that.

Good advice. Be like me.

I had a weird moment of staring and smiling with her as we watched the numbers on the panel light up. She ended up getting off on the same floor as me. Okay. She was a fellow tutor, who has apparently been working with the same group for the past 4 years but we've never met.

We were both early. I said hi to my friend and other people I knew but somehow we (me and the elevator chick) just dropped into conversation about random stuff with each other REALLY easily. It was strange.

It was weird that we had that moment (or at least I had that moment with her) and the ease of talking with a stranger was unusual for me. I'm very charming, false modesty be damned, and can talk to pretty much anyway I meet but this was different.

I have no idea what it means or if it means anything. I have a horrible habit of reading into things which I blame entirely on being a pop culture victim, with rom-coms, sci-fi and comic books being the usual suspects.

I've had times where I have talked with folks and during the course of a conversation had my brain tell me "You and this person will be real cool." I've had times where I've thought "Wow. That person is really attractive. I want make out with them" in public. This wasn't any of that.*

Is there a thing as "friendship at first sight"? We'll see where this goes.

PS- Totally unrelated note but I've learned that more of my friends, particularly the female ones, are more geeky than I knew. This shouldn't be a surprise to me, "birds of a feather" and the such, but it was.**

UPDATE- Never mind.

*Not saying she wasn't attractive. She was but I wouldn't say she was "my type."*** Anyway...
**I reread that and it's a bit sexist of me to not think they would be. I'm working on that patriarchal thinking instilled in my brain.
***Do I even have a type? Hmmm...

Connected Guy, No More*

* well, at least for this weekend

Taking a break from as much of humanity as I can for at least the weekend.

Maybe until Tuesday.

Very hard. You forget how much you rely on the internet and your phone. Even posting this is taking all of my restraint not to go to another random website or fall into the Wikipedia hole.

Hopefully this time off will allow me to think and straighten out some life stuff and some emotional stuff. Also, maybe I can really get to work on things I have begun and just haven't completed/uploaded.

Plus, I still got a lot to clear out on my DVR. I have NO IDEA what is going on with Once Upon A Time at this point. Maybe I can fix that. This is low priority though.


UPDATE: I'm back on the net. I have a problem and it's unfortunately no longer this.

RSI/Residual Self Image-Part 2

I stumbled onto Jackthreads.com yesterday while I was responding to a message from a friend on Facebook. Just to get us on the same page, Jackthreads is a site with clothes for guys. I don't like all the gear on there but they sometimes have good specials and some of the stuff gives me good ideas for design for how folks dress in my writing. I was on there because they had some sort of 40% off sale and as I was perusing the offerings I thought to myself two things- 1)This is an exercise in futility because I'm too broke to really get this stuff and 2)I actually am really wanting stuff nowadays.

The first thought is an ongoing process to dig myself out of this personal life hole I dug for myself.

Deshi (Deshi!) Basara (Basara!)...

The second thought was sort of a shock and not only because the stuff I was looking at wasn't particularly that bad ass but because I actually had the thought "I WANT THAT" flash in my head and it wasn't a geeky item/a winning PowerBall ticket/a giant mythical wolf to do my bidding. 

I've never been a "wanter" or even a "needer." Blame it on being a middle child or being the oldest cousin looking out for the others or being the son of two stubborn people who always did things themselves if they could do it. My father is horrible about getting what is needed and my mother was always the type of person that'll power through anything and didn't ask anyone for help. This combo of different things has greatly contributed to my view and actions to many things in my own life.

This is obviously not healthy.

I've been trying to do better. I have looked back and observed how this long cultivated attitude has messed me up with getting things done faster and even relationships with people. I'm trying to do better but I often switch back into "I don't need that/you" mode which can easily trick my brain into "I don't really want that/that is just greed and materialism talking" mode. This is why that moment yesterday shocked me.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I have a recurring movie in my head. It's not particularly long. It's me sitting at a table with my brother. I'm wearing jeans, Converses and a Superman shirt usually. I'm not sure what my brother has on, probably something ridiculous but fashionable. We are talking about something ridiculous as I wait for an interviewer to show up. She/He appears and I explain my brother is visiting me here in California/somewhere in the South and I hope it isn't a problem. The interviewer says no and then proceeds to asks me questions about my second or third book, how my life is different compared to ten years ago, how I feel about being engaged/married/dating someone supportive and awesome. It's a fun time and eventually the movie just fades to black with me looking stronger, older and happier than I am right now.

I bring this up only to illustrate that I know that somewhere in my subconscious is a guy who wants more. He's in there scratching at the back of my skull. Maybe he's that hopeful 9-year-old me or just pissed off 33-year-old current me. It doesn't matter. Not really. What is important is that I embrace him and focus on getting to that moment.

Maybe it won't occur like that. Maybe I'll still be single or my brother won't be there or I have on a Captain Marvel t-shirt instead. What won't change is that I'll be there, older and happier and more fulfilled and successful.

I want that moment. I want that.

RSI/Residual Self Image-Part 1

People see the me they wanna see.– Matt Damon, House Of Lies

They only see you how they wanna see you/'Til you make them see you in some other way.- Childish Gambino, Hold You Down

Before I get to it, let's play a quick little game. It's called spot the goofy jackass. You have 10 seconds. GO!

Found him?

We'll come back to this....

When I was little, I used to tell my great aunts and pretty much anyone else Down South that my name was Sam. My grandmother used to call me Ripley, after Ripley's Believe It Or Not for some odd reason. People in my neighborhood used to call me Lil Will because a) I looked like my dad b) there were other Seans on the street or c) they forgot my name, yet remembered my siblings' far more complicated ones. I tell you all of this boring stuff to just begin with just so we have a base for an idea of identity.

In my limited/long time on this planet, I've realized that I'm not one person. No one is one person. We are all generally an amalgamation of the perception of the people around us, and to an even greater extent, the world's view of us.

For example, if you asked people that knew me at different points in my life who I was, I'm reasonably sure you would get a different answer from each group for each time period and a slight variation from the folks in those groups. At the same time, the me of those time points would tell you I was a different person, probably based on what I thought I was (when I was little), what others thought I was (pre-teen to early teen years) or what I thought others thought I was (pretty much all of other times).

I was full of myself at one point in my life.

From geeky blerd (black nerd) to slacker pal of someone's kid to guy who would put in the most effort at the office, I wore a lot of hats. The problem was that none of these hats were picked out by me. As I got older, like a lot of people do, I just tried to become the person people believed me to be or wanted me to be. This is foolish but it's part of the growing process and "finding yourself." You have to try different roles if you aren't one of those rare lucky individuals who know who you are at a relatively young age. But, still, it's a bit stupid.

But you know what's stupider? Doing the opposite of what people expect of you just because. Not because you want to necessarily try something different or have an idea that this "you" is not the "real you." I did/do the opposite because I was just being difficult and also think following "what the world wants of me" is stifling to my freedom.

FUCK YOU, WORLD...and yellow polos.

Which brings us back to the above picture. Did you find who I was asking about? Here's the answer.

It's the guy to the right of the Sundance winner and above the reality TV star. Seriously.

This goofy jackass came to this event with his two buddies. They all drank and 2 out of 3 of them smoked that day. Yet, he is the only one who looks like that. Why? Because a) he drank because this was/is how he is perceived to be and b) he smoked because he had become the non-smoker by this time. He didn't have his shit together. Not that day. But it's alright. He'll have this picture to remind him of the next points I'm going to make.

There is nothing wrong with bucking against the world perception of you and there is also nothing wrong with slipping into the role that people present to you as what they think you are. The key is finding out who you really are at your core. We all take time to get to that point and we slip up at times. Just look at that picture again. I feel it has taken me longer than most, or at least my pals, and that we all continue to evolve as we grow but I'm feeling better daily about who I am and am getting more comfortable with who I am.

I'm not perfect. I fuck up. I'm better at a lot of things than others. I'm way worse at other things than some. But I believe in myself and my own personal level of awesome.

I Think I'll Start Worshiping Ares*

I'm not religious. This isn't a surprise to anyone who has been around me but I thought I should state it from the start before I begin. This is not a knock against anyone's religious belief or lack of one. To each, his/her own. And this is definitely not to say that I don't have a long history with religions. I'm very familiar with most religions- either through my own general interest in the subject, research for different stories, college courses (which were my second favorite classes after Poli Sci aka BS 101) and just life experience.



For example.....
My dad was a follower of the Nation of Islam, which hurt my pepperoni pizza loving soul.
My uncle's family were Jehovah's Witnesses, which resulted in me fallin asleep in a Kingdom Hall. Twice.
My family is black and Southern. I visited North Carolina as a kid. Nuff said. Figure it out.
I sometimes attend my sister's non-denominational church when I visit her down south. Her pastor is a chatty Cathy but it is generally a good time and the folks are nice.
I've attended Glide Memorial in San Francisco because a friend asked me too. I like that place because it is REALLY non-denominational. No overt religion pushing and was more about spirituality and being a good human. I would go back.
I live in New York and went to a private school with a lot of kids of the Jewish faith. Plus, my shoot-em-up neighborhood borders an Orthodox Jewish section. The beach around there could get interesting, to say the least.

"But Sean, are you spiritual?" If you are asking do I believe there is a God watching over personally or that a guardian angel of some kind has been assigned to protect me, then no, I'm not spiritual. I think we get through life, most of us at least, without a safety net, divine or otherwise, and a lot of it is chance and our will to move forward.
But.....
I do believe that there is meaning behind us being here. Even in my most cynical moments I would like to believe that the universe has my back in some way. If you call that spirituality, then yes, I am spiritual in the fact that I think there is something larger than us. Am I going to give this force a name? Nope. I'm not that naive or bold to do that. Am I going to go to a place weekly and behave differently than I would on a Saturday night? I probably won't unless a loved one asks me to go for just a morning, as I did in the above cases. Could I become religious one day? Maybe. Almost nothing is impossible and things change. I could probably see myself becoming a Buddhist maybe. They seem to be generally cool, especially compared to the Big Three.

Chill dude.

And I already do what I assume people would consider spiritual actions. I like to take moments to observe life, whether in a park or walking alone or sitting in my room. I meditate and contemplate the bigger picture when I wash dishes. I try to imagine the inter-connectivity of  humanity when I'm on public transportation. I get close to Nirvana when I'm washing my clothes at the laundromat.

Spin Cycle Zen.

With all that being said, I don't necessarily believe that the universe is just looking out for me. There are too many people and I don't think I'm that special. Everyone has their own path and sometimes these paths meet and chaos is created. It gets messy. Conflicts arises, which brings us to Ares.

This dude is all about the conflict.

I think conflict though by most definition is negative it can be constructive. I actually believe the nature of people is to be in a state of conflict with each other. I would even go so far as to scale that up to the universe as a whole. Creation is a messy affair, no matter if you are talking about biology or the creation of planets. Crashing masses starts off the processes that resulted in us. Forest fires can ultimately lead to new tree life. Conflict can become a tool for growth and evolution.

Ares embodies this conflict as the god of war. I choose to see the positive growth from conflict. Every encounter we have with another human is a conflict. That doesn't mean that we are always arguing or disagreeing with others. Sometimes we get lucky and are in the same side of a conflict or we can see the benefits of bits and pieces of both camps. These interactions make us better people and are constantly happening. I find that if you think of conflicts in this way the world moves a little easier for you. It also makes it less personal and more about your role with other humans. Sure, things won't always be cool and some conflict just arises from encountering asshats but you can still learn from these moments and also realize that those people have the problem and not you.

So, I'm seriously thinking about starting a temple for Ares worship.** Should I start a Kickstarter for this?

Hey, here's some Fiddy on spirituality. I like this.

*I really want to say Mars because he is slightly less of a bloodthirsty figure and more honorable than Ares. But Ares is a cooler sounding name and I, also, didn't want people to get him confused with the planet- although that makes about much since as worshiping an unseen deity but let me not open that can of worms again.
**No, I'm not. I will be investigating my beliefs more though.

Random Subway Thinking Thought

We are indifferent towards strangers, very nice to people we like and sometimes horrible to people we say we love. The latter occurs mostly because we take those who we can constantly depend on for granted. We hopefully grow out of it as we get older but some o u don't.

I need this dude to back up off me on this rain. See? That's actually treating a stranger more than indifferent. GROWTH!!!

2013

That is all.

Ubermensch

I e-mailed a tumblr post I stumbled on a little while back to some people I knew. I mainly forwarded it because it reminded me a great deal of something I was trying to write but I couldn't get out in the way I wanted. I thought the post was pretty decent and close to what I wanted to say.
The response back, although not shocking knowing some of my friends and their views on the world, was a bit disheartening. Maybe I missed something in the post or I read their replies incorrectly. So, I read everything again. Nope, I read everything correctly.
The key lines that stood out to me in the initial post were- "We should be Clarks. We should be looking for the good in people. Now of all times we should be helping people just because. We need to accept that everyone is going to have a different view on things (part of the reason Clark loves humankind is the sheer variety of it) and do our best to work together despite these differences. Rather than spending our days inside on the internet bitching about shit we wish we could change, we should be going outside and actually fucking changing it."
And in a response from a notoriously pessimistic friend- "(D)ude wants a better superman, go out and make a better world and stop bitching on the internets. " (Which I might adds is hilarious because the amount of epic rants I've heard from this guy...)
I realize they are both right and both frakkin' wrong.

Let me remind back to I want to say freshman year of college. This was my height of my "People are inherently evil" phase. I can actually remember having a discussion in one of my poli sci classes about how people are just terrible and they only do good to get something out of it, not "to be good for goodness sakes." Around this time I was talking to a close friend about my hate for then New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani while walking in Brooklyn. I said "If I had a gun, I would probably shoot him in the face." (Such a teenager thing to say, I know) My homeboy, either testing me or tired of hearing me whine about the situation, responded with "I can get you a gun. QUICKLY. You're not going to do it." My teenage brain quickly responded in anger that "YEAH. I WOULD...BITCH!" Naw, I didn't call my pal a bitch...that time.
But something in the back of my mind said "No. You won't." It had nothing to do with the fact that my friend wouldn't be an accesory to that type of crime and nothing to do with access to a gun. I could have easily got a cannon around that time. The "No. You won't" popped in my head because I knew that a)I was talking out my angry young arse b)me getting arrested for killing a mayor wouldn't solve the problem and c)I was (and am) better than that. It was simply an instantaneous response to me being angry at the situation of the world and someone testing my "manhood." My viewpoint on the world was screwing with my logic and grasp of reality and the feeling of being impotent just fueled my anger that much more. I was angry at the status quo, I was juvenile, I thought all human beings were horrible at their core and I figured I was powerless to change it.

Which brings us back to where I began. I was wrong then and didn't realize it.
My friend and the guy who wrote this post were both right. We should all go out and improve the world and stop bitching. But they were both wrong- my pal for doing what he wrote about people doing and also thinking the place isn't a potential place for change and this guy who wrote the post for who he chose to represent for the ideal we should choose.
Don't get me wrong- I love Supes. I think there is an inherent beauty in possessing that level of power and doing good with it- protecting the weak, stopping Brainiac, plucking scared cats out of trees. The only problem, which is the same problem with Batman (who the guy uses as the flip side argument) and other super-heroes, is that they aren't really changing things for the better. They are tools of the status quo. Many writers will make stories depicting them fighting people who are against the status quo but they are always the worst of us- doing it for money, domination or just sick terrorists who enjoy seeing the fear of others.
I think the ideal of Superman standing for truth and justice is important and if he really believed in that then he would be fighting for the little guy and going after the plutocracy that doesn't want anything to change except the threat to them, their money and their comfortable status.

We should do the best for our fellow humans and the world. We should fight injustice no matter what form it comes in. We should be open to other opinions. It's not easy but we should be the best people we can be. I'm not delusional. The world is corrupt and bad and some people aren't looking out for more than themselves and the ones they care about.
We NEED to be better than that.
The world is screwed up but we need to rise above that.
We need to be like the core of Superman's ideals but do more and change the world.
Ultimately, it's up to us to do it by whatever means we can.