Ma

My mom is in the hospital and I can't sleep.

My mom is in the hospital and I should sleep.

My mom is in the hospital and I need to think positive thoughts. I've had a very adult child conversation with my sister and brother on the phone that took me to a very sad and, because it's me, angry place. I shouldn't be thinking these thoughts and I'm trying to. I'm trying to so hard that it's making me not sleep. So, I'm going to do one of the things I do when I can't do what I want to do and just spill words out.

This is about my mother. Actually, this is about me but I'm part of my mother and we have become so much alike in adulthood that even the things that aren't her can be described in opposition to her character.

I've been having dark thoughts even before this evening when I got that call from my brother. He, my mother and my uncle traveled down to DC to surprise my sister and brother-in-law for their birthdays. They were aided in this scheme by smart niece. This is already after we had all spent a long weekend together with family members and the shenanigans that included. We got back Monday and I went back to work and the dark thoughts crept back in. They are always there on the periphery and often come up when I'm around family and friends. The thoughts are like a dark mirror that shows me how I've screwed up or continuing to screw up almost every aspect of my life. This week those thoughts went into overdrive. I think it was because I was alone and had all this time to myself to think about me in comparison with others. It's not healthy but I do it and I'm sure others do as well.

I recounted all the mistakes I've made, the foolhardy choices I picked for myself and the sheer laziness and sometimes lack of motivation that has made me arrive at this moment in my soon to be 39 year lifespan. It's not even that I feel bad for myself it's that I know or at least feel my choices have had the ripple effect of touching the lives of those close to me, particularly my family.

This is why this is about my mother.

Those negative thoughts come from my mother. Stop. I'm not saying she is a negative person or would ever put that burden on me. What I'm saying is that those burdens I imagine are probably the same ones she imagines. My mother is the savior of my family. When there is something to be done, she does it. She figures out solutions and is tough and will protect and care for the people around her. To the detriment of herself at times. My mother is the woman that can't relax. Even in retirement she is go-Go-GO. She doesn't ask for help and will power through anything. I've seen her go to work after slipping on ice and busting up her leg. She helped run this past reunion weekend with a bad back and woke up to make breakfast for others daily while doing it. She does all this even when other people say that they can help out and she SHOULD listen and relax.

That is why this is about my mother. That is why this is about me.

I possess the same stubborn and weird Superman complex. I don't necessarily worry too much about myself but if someone needs help (family, friend, student, etc.) I'll break my neck to do it. I'm the guy who will stay and prepare stuff for the next day. I'm the friend you can call to help you move or talk about your problems with at pretty much anytime. I'm the guy who tries to keep group projects working even when I know I could be doing something to benefit me, I need a break and/or it's a bit of a losing battle. These are all aspects of me that I get from my mother. These are also the things that invite in those dark thoughts. Am I doing enough? Can I pass on this so someone else can get it? Why am I asking someone else for help when I can figure out a way to do this on my own?

Combine those thoughts with an adult who is pretty much only doing well in the job section of his life (and even that is iffy) and you get a person who is living with dark moments. A lot.

Which brings me back to the beginning...

My mom is in the hospital and I can't sleep.

The dark thoughts are competing with themselves right now. On one hand, I'm thinking the worst but on the other hand I'm also thinking that I have to keep my shit together for everyone else in case the worst happens. And something brilliant is happening. The latter thoughts are gaining power and I remember how stubborn my mother is. How much of a damn fighter she could be. I've seen her chase grown men with shovels and drag men who have been shot in the face into the safety of our house. I fear very little thanks to being around this brave heroine my whole life. She was the one that is dependable and strong and will do anything to support and stand by us. I can do the same. I'm here because she was tough when I came into this world and it wasn't looking good for me. She gave me that power to fight and I can give her that energy right back in return. We are both folks that beat the odds. She'll do it again.

So, yeah, my mom is in the hospital, I can't sleep but I'm going to let being positive and hopeful be the reason I remain awake.

The Doppler Effect*

The other day I ran into a doppelganger of my younger brother a few blocks from my home. Logically I knew it couldn't be him as soon as I saw him. My brother was at work and in a totally different borough. But this guy walked exactly like him. They were about the same height and coloring. They possessed the same gait. The outfit this guy had on looked similar to something that my brother would wear, if a tad bit baggier than his usual taste. He was even loudly singing along to rap music.

Basically a taller, lighter version of Tyrese in 1994.

Like I said I knew it wasn't my brother but as I passed this guy a thought passed through my head- "Wow. Another one."

You see, this wasn't the first person I encountered in my travel that possessed more than a passing resemblance to someone I know. I've seen versions of my friends walking in Midtown, hustling to places in the cold weather of the Northeast, riding on the J train and waiting with me at bus stops. I've known it wasn't them because we didn't acknowledge each other as familiar and most of the time the person they looked like was out of town so it couldn't be them.

The scariest is when I see old black men nowadays. Not all black men but certain older black men instantly make me think of my late father. The familiar smile at an inner joke, the crazy eyebrows, that familiar older black male stance of "I'm old, youngin', but I'll give you a lesson if you need it, son."

AKA The Morgan Freeman.

I think this might be a symptom of missing dude or maybe the universe is telling me I should listen to the voice of others that lives inside of me that tries to illuminate a correct course of action. Or maybe it's life telling me to not allow things to pass me by as an outside observer. That life is short and people move on and do what they love and grow and  expand and sometimes pass on and if I don't start doing the same I'm not doing what I should do. If you're not living up to your potential and just standing there as things flow around you, what does that make you?

Uatu- RIP

Or maybe all the people I know just look like a lot of other people. I know I have been told that I looked like pretty much every black male of a certain age ** and that was how I got the unfortunate nickname of Flusher in high school.*** Are we all Cylons secretly? Are we just variations on a few types of people, just moderately changed through time and genetic drift?

They have a plan...

This whole doppelganger thing is spooky, yo.



*I know the Doppler effect and doppelganger are two unrelated terms but it sounds good and this piece is also talking about things approaching and receding from a subject- me. So, there.
**Only sometimes said in a racist manner.
***You're smart. You can figure that one out. Use context clues.

Grindin'

This is my nephew.

He's a senior in high school.

He's taller and cooler than me.

I'm old.

so...

Will really update whenever I get home later today but what's going on with me?

Well...

-Dad is back in the hospital. Been there pretty much all week but I wasn't informed until 2 AM on Thursday morning. They are unsure of what exactly is wrong this time and are still running tests. He is in isolation and so I have to wear a mask and gloves when I see him.

I totally got sidelined while I searched for this by THIS. I'm simple.

This type of activity has been going on for awhile and doesn't get easier. This is particularly true because outside of his wife I'm the one that sees him and so he shares all the melancholy with me that he won't tell anyone else. It gets kinda heavy especially as his health doesn't improve; it just becomes bearable.

-Airing out my room since the plumbing in my house decided to crap out and back all the pipes up yesterday. Me and my uncle figured out what the problem was so no plumber was necessary (which was good) but since all the pipes are connected in the grand scheme of things, I had to clean some interesting stuff out my shower (which was HORRIBLE).

So my morning was just this. Fail.

-Still trying to get my personal statement perfect. You know, for someone who shares pretty freely on this thing, writing that is tougher than I expected.

-Cleaned out the shed with my brother yesterday. That came about because while I was dealing with the plumbing I was looking for a wet-vac out there. I found two of them. With no hoses. Pissed me off so I finally went through the place with my brother and organized my family's hoarder stash. Massive job.

Yes, I just called my aunt Smaug. What of it?

-Still having to force myself from e-mailing/texting my friend I "broke up" with. My timing is always impeccable and the person I would discuss all of the above with is the person I can't/shouldn't talk with. Plus, I only am in steady communication with only two of my friends right now so that makes things even better. I'm a winner like that.

They are no amused by my whining or my sarcasm.

I appreciate my one friend who reads this (one of the aforementioned "two") and all the random Latvians and Russians who stumble onto my page but it's not the same.* I miss her although it was the right call to make, hopefully.

So, that's a quick rundown of some of what's been up with me recently. Not happy about it all but I've gotten some good advice recently...

I can do this all day, sucka.

How have y'all been? I'm looking at you, Vlad in Moscow.


*But I do like saying I'm a big deal in Latvia nowadays because it makes me sound like Dr. Doom a bit.**
**"I will always be your better, Richards. You cannot hope to defeat DOOM!!!!"

No One Wants To Be A Red Shirt*

*that title makes no sense and really doesn't even relate to this post but whatever, I haven't slept yet

It's early and I'm usually up around this time since I walk my mom to the bus pretty much daily. I should be going back to sleep or trying to get some since I have work today and sleep is just good for you. I had planned on sleeping but thinking about a current situation made me get up and I wasn't able to get back to sleep. So, here we are and I just drunk a Red Bull Blue Edition which has no effect on me except making me want to pee but I enjoy the taste so let's see what I can get down before my body knocks me out. It may be more rambling than usual so I apologize in advance. This is pretty stream of consciousness right now.

Meek Mill's yelling will have to do the job these won't.

I've been thinking about a lot of my relationships recently, including the one that made me leave the comfort of my bed. I've also been on a personal hiatus from dealing with people. This is a result of a few factors- needing a human break, figuring out how much effort others would put into our relationship when I stopped doing most of the heavy lifting*, recommitting myself to my New Year's goal of being more selfish and generally trying to get my shite together.

My New Year's goal has been going pretty piss poor. I HAVE been doing better than previous years, especially in these last 2 or 3 months but I have still been overextending myself for the people I care about and even a few who I'm "ehhhh" about. I blame it mostly on my upbringing. Although my younger years had craziness, I was raised by people who taught me to generally not be an asshole and look out for people. I've found that people I know are mostly good and it's kind of hard to break my habit of being there for others, even at my own expense.

But frak all of that! I'm going to still look out for people but I'm keeping the balance better and I come before anyone else, except my mom who is awesome.

So, selfishness is back in full motherfuckin' effect! Wait. It can't be back since it wasn't really here to begin with. I mean, selfishness is going down! (basement)

In addition to that, I have to admit something. I've been reading biographies and self-help books for awhile now. Like TWO YEARS "awhile." I think it comes from me trying to figure out me and find a solution for problems I encounter in life. I've never done this before because I've been more of a "free spirit"** and since I've been less flighty I've been trying to find my center.

Only kids and childish movie viewers like me will get this.

I've been looking for words of wisdom, good advice from successful people, bad advice from screw-ups,*** ideas on finding peace/"the way"/happiness. Hell, I even did a tarot reading and I REALLY don't believe in that voodoo shite. But, we all gotta pay "stupid tax" from time to time. It's why the lottery still exists.****

Anyway, I came to two conclusions from all of this motivational introspection and heavy reading-

1) There is some good universal advice. Universal truths do exist about certain things.

2) Everyone finds their own way to happiness. 

The first conclusion has helped me adjust some things in how approach people and situations. I have even started to compile the wisdom most helpful to me in a little leather book to get me through. It's my bible for remaining calm and finding the proper path for me.

No, really. I really did do this. Ask to see it if you see me.

The second conclusion is even more important. We all have different goals and have to get there in our own ways. And I know what you are thinking because I thought it as soon as I typed that sentence- "Duh. No shit, Sherlock." The thing is I know this and you know this but during those dark moments when we doubt ourselves or those horrible instances where we are envious of someone else's success/contentment, we often forget that simple fact. We can't live others' lives, we wouldn't want to if we knew what bullshit they had to deal with in their heads and very rarely is someone else's idea of happiness the same as ours. 

And with knowing and relearning both these facts you gotta sometimes make hard calls. It may be changing your focus or choosing a new path. It may be extricating yourself from a relationship or situation that's not beneficial to you. It may be reaffirming your commitment to a project/relationship/plan even when others doubt you. It may be making yourself less available to others and becoming more selfish. It may be being alone. It may be looking for a new tribe to hang with. It may be doing nothing because you are already happy on your current path.*****

Ultimately, you have to choose what's best for you and what's going to bring you your particular brand of happiness. The world turns whether you are content or not but the merry-go-round is less bumpy when you have joy in your soul.

Okay. My babbling in this post is done. I'm actually feeling better about everything and I think this post wasn't TOO terrible but I haven't reread it. Hold on.

Yeah.

Whatever. It is what it is.

Be happy, folks.

*answer-not a lot

**my pal once called me a "hippie", another called me a "man-whore." Both were valid calls, ref

***which is overlooked but is HIGHLY educational

****I'm highly pissed I loss last night's PowerBall and can't travel the world training like Bruce Wayne

*****fuck you. no, seriously, go to hell, you lucky bastard (joking...mostly)

So, I Have About Ten Post Done....

...or pretty much done. Or at least done to the level that if I take another 5-10 minutes with them I would be cool with posting them on here and here and here.

But I haven't posted anything really lately.

And it's not that I'm afraid or even being lazy (shocker) about it or even falling into the internet wormhole of random searching. Or at least not too much of the last one.

I don't really know exactly why I haven't put up anything. I don't really censor myself much here, particularly not when I'm the one to be potentially embarrassed. It's just been about a month or so of being shocked by different news events, questioning myself and, specifically, most of my relationships with other human beings. Things like how I interact with folks, how people interact with me, what I accept, what's my boundary line, how much effort I'm going to put into people and things... It goes on and on and I sometimes think I should share this with someone but those I would normally share this kind of thinking with are the ones who are in these thoughts. It's crazy.

So, I've dedicated myself to figuring out what is going on and resolving these issues. It's not going to be fun and I'm probably going to be more upset, mostly with myself, but this is the way to move forward and not totally become that dude that lives alone in the mountains growing a beard.*

While I work on all that I'm going to do my best to post those blogs, complete some good stories and basically get my shite back together.

Gotta boost brand ME and make that the priority. Everything else falls into place after that.


*that ACTUALLY sounds alright, as long as I have a pet and reliable internet.

Nosce Te Ipsum- Know Thyself

Been thinking about be an adult for a minute and, mostly, how I'm not one. I mean physically I'm very much an old guy. My actions and current status though say the opposite. I beat myself over it and try to find escape routes out of it but it grows harder. I see my friends moving forward and that both makes me smile and gives me a heart punch. But it's getting better. I'm starting to realize that like everything in life this is all a matter of perception.
I ran into an old classmate at one of my friend's film screenings. He sit down and talks to me and my friend's mother about his path. He is an actor and doing some big and life-fulfilling things now. He says that it's what he loves and that it came about through a journey of self-discovery. Then he says "You remember I was a bit of clown in high school, right Sean?" I just laugh and give a gentle nod.
Because I really don't.
What I remember was a fellow kid that fit in well and I didn't really have much interaction with him except for the rare moments we were in a class or on a sports team together. He had his friends and I had mine with limited overlap. If I had to describe him back then it would be a kinda corny jock who happened to date a girl I liked a lot. Hell, if you asked me to describe him a few years ago, it would have been the black guy that this white girl from high school got me confused with, which is strange because we look NADA alike and I am taller than him and she talked to him but not me back then.
But I just nodded because I am happy that he has found his joy, high school was a LONG time ago and, hey, maybe he was the joker in his crew. That's how he perceived himself and perception is how we control our own personal universes. Besides just motivating us, this gives us our power.
This is just my belief but I think that perception can change your existence and willpower and belief in your vision can alter your course. I'm not talking about an in The Secret way and just wishing for something to happen but just working isn't enough if their isn't a faith or belief in something backing your quest.
Back to this high school acquaintance/friend/dude I know. His saying that made me flash back to a conversation I had with my father. (Oh, yeah, trying to communicate with him more; another topic for another post) He was describing an incident where a teacher put his hands on me in elementary school. He was relating to me how when he got the call that he thought it might have been my younger brother ("Rock might have said some wild shit") or my older sister ("Relle probably fought him because he did something to her and she didn't play"). The thought of it being me never crossed his mind and he was shocked because "Sean gives me no problems" and is "the good one." The teacher did put his hands on me without cause and he was correct that I gave "no problems" but that perception of me kinda bugged me.
I mean I WAS a good kid. A VERY good kid. And I was always the one who was the smart, rational, calm one. This is not to say my siblings weren't geniuses or rational themselves. They were/are. It's just that THAT was what I was known for. The kid that read the encyclopedia. The son not cussing out my teachers (Rock). The kid not potentially laying the smackdown on someone for linestepping (Relle). And that felt good when I was like 8. But as I grew up I sort of hated that.
The perception we get placed on us can pigeonhole us into a role. It can pressure you and drive you crazy depending on how others see you. This only leaves 3 options-
1) Be mature, accept what people think of you and do what you want regardless
2) Accept that is who you are and become that person
3) Rebel and be the total antithesis of what people believe about you

I did a combo of 2 and 3. I would coast through school because the shit was easy to me and the only time I failed was because I didn't care and behaved accordingly. (Or maybe it was never diagnosed ADHD....) This was childish. The rebellion was costing me my future which I didn't realize until late.
On the other hand, I didn't care that I was fucking up because I just really HATED being "safe, good Sean." It helps to be calm but eating your anger for a lot of years can just create a maelstrom of rage and rashness that's ready to explode at any moment. I used to be shocked at the kids just going crazy in the schoolyard and my little brother just saying whatever to whomever but I understand now that that behavior is sometimes healthy, even if you might get slapped for it. You have released your fireball of anger and can move on instead of being in your late twenties/early thirties with the heat of a thousand suns right under the surface.
I'm finally dealing with balancing my emotions and not living up to anyone's image of me, although it still creeps up from time to time. I have come to realize others' perception has a limited control on my life. My family views me as one way. My friends see me as one way. Women see me as one way. But even with the way I'm perceived by others, MY OWN perception is going to dictate my future and how successful I am going to be in any and every thing I do.
Okay. Ramble done. Get back to steer your ship in your own universe and visit mine when you get the chance. Just know that that kid that I was is still there but he has more facets to his personality now.

TWEETYOURSIXTEENYEAROLDSELF

I just found out that #tweetyoursixteenyearoldself is a trending topic on Twitter. I have too much to tell my old self for 140 characters to work. Instead I just wrote a blog post for that kid. I would have included a pic for this but my scanner is playing games and I kinda looked like Dookie from The Wire in my yearbook pic. (Hey, we all were pretty funny looking as teens)
Here is just good advice for old me, new me, my future kids and maybe even you....

-observe what the world wants but don't try to fit in
-girls, ladies, females, women, chicas- you'll never understand. that doesn't mean not to try but don't kill yourself in the process. most of them aren't as complicated as they think anyway.
-being smart only goes so far
-being stupid goes even a shorter distance
-don't get a girlfriend just because your friends do
-follow your own path but also be like your friends, particularly in regards to a work ethic and especially that kid Eryan
-try harder, in everything
-you won't be a famous rapper or athlete; get creative
-anyway, you're gonna be angry at rappers in about a decade or so, so there's that
-ease up on your teachers. they have a tough job. maybe you'll find out more about it personally one day
-that girl you like? just ask her out. if you don't, you'll regret it. don't worry what people say. time goes by and people's memories are generally short. you'll only regret what you didn't do not what you did
-Oh, yeah. you'll feel this way about 2 to 3 other women at least. if she says no, it's not the end of the world. you'll survive
-you'll also meet girls you only kinda like and make out with them so that'll soften the blow a bit.
-being called Usher? USE IT.
-DON'T drink the tequila
-BAD WOLF (that's a geeky joke you'll get one frakkin'* day)
-Say what you feel and mean what you say
-Rock will be taller than you. by about a half foot. deal with it
-listen to Relle. sure she can be irritating now but she has been places you are going and has good advice
-most of the people you think are douchey now and you don't like probably won't be the same in a few years. give them a chance and the quiet ones too
-you won't be the same in a few years as well
-WARNING! some people who are douchey now are STILL douchey in 2010. figure out how to ask me and I'll give you the names.
-Try not to date girls with too many female friends. NEVER date a girl with NO female friends
-your dad may not be the best but he does have some okay advice sometimes
-DON'T give weapons to your little brother
-pay attention to the internet. it's gonna be huge. and annoying. and a time burglar
-By the way, Y2K? Bullshit.
-don't lie to impress people. it's cliche but be yourself. trust me it works
-move to Las Vegas for awhile. Or at last visit a lot and try to also live alone. it'll help you grow
-don't be afraid to be different but don't be different JUST to be different
-don't look for enemies or people to hate you. it sounds ridiculous but people in the future LOVE this. Yup, it's as silly as it sounds
-write down any idea you have. even if you think it's goofy. save it. look at it later
-keep drawing
-don't stop believing. not only a good song but good advice
-"Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength because it shows you have the courage to admit when you don't know something, and that then allows you to learn something new."
-that quote above is from Barack Obama. Our BLACK president. No shit. I swear to God, kid.
-don't be afraid to tell people you love 'em. it's not "gay"
-also, stop saying things are "gay". it's pretty immature and offensive. Do you really care what people do with their lives? No? That's what I thought. Let other people be happy. You'll have a lot of gay friends one day. And by the way, Doogie Howser? TOTALLY gay and HIGH-larious as hell. Trust me on this one. NPH is KING!
-sometimes it's okay to fight. just choose the right battles. just a tip- fight for people you care about? good. fights while drinking? bad.
-take up a hobby. maybe a sport
-don't be afraid- of failure, success or dogs
-try new things
-go to different places
-believe in something, even if it's just yourself


*you'll get this too

Just FYI

Week of (Kinda) Silence

March 27- April 2, 2010 Decided to take the week off from television and the interwebz. Here are the rules and below that is what happened.
DVDs don't count
Only my e-mail could be checked
Only emergencies could be responded to, ie job replies, sick friends, etc.
Limited time even in a room with television


Day1-
Sent out last necessary e-mail, still receiving e-mail to my BlackBerry but I only check the subject line for the importance of it. I can hear the tv in the other room with my younger brother; he's a tv fiend.
Odd to be up this early and not on a computer. Women choose the last moment or odd times to make request. Foresee a small window of future drop-offs for family. I don't really like driving; feels like my arse is spreading the more time behind the wheel.
Random thought popping in my head- like taking my brother and cousins to movies
The blue light is turned off on this cable box to not mock me but I watched Dogtown and the Z-Boys on DVD again. Think the message might be adversity and being fearless breeds creativity.
Also read Death of Ivan Ilyich by Tolstoy, which was recommended by Mess. It was decent but seemed like a school syllabus book read by girls in an English class at a private school that requires them to wear uniforms with stockings.
It still feels like a bunker around here. This is definitely my bro's space.
Plus side of this week off is it makes Earth Hour that much easier; even my brother participated.

Day 2-
Harder to get up on day two. Realizing my bro blasts the tv. Radio stations plays the same craptastic music on repeat and Slacker Radio has miraculously appear on my BlackBerry. This gives me a solution to dealing with others watching tv in my presence and is only borderline cheating.
Skype mobile has also appeared for some reason on my BB. I'm confused by how to even use it on this thing.
Listening to Gorillaz radio now and it has finally clicked why I like Song 2 by Blur. I never made the connection that it was Damon Albarn singing it.
Time to drive to the mall. Green Acres is shitty- it only has one bookstore, a Borders Express.
Okay, I broke my internet rule but to be fair it was to QUICKLY look up a recipe for my mother who was busy. I made some double chocolate cookies

Day 3-
Raining outside today.
Do I do laundry? Grandmother has the tv on as I decide.
Shaq's mom wrote a book. She says she had a plan? What? bang a tall dude?
Hit the library, drive out to less shitty mall in Roosevelt Field.
Man, I hate Rihanna and Sean Paul's accents. His sound like some mishmash of Jamaican patois and a drunk Irish dude. This Carry Out song by Timbaland and Justin Timberlake is pretty decent- the lyrics are ehh but I still succumb to the Timbo effect. Bookstores are great but if you are broke you DEFINITELY like the library much more.

Day 4-
Flood time. Awesome. New neighbors are moving in today.
I woke up to usual- my brother bumping rap music and Law & Order on his tv. Is he playing Drake? No, that's TI. Good.
Walk the dog and I feel like I'm swimming in the street.
I finished a book I picked up yesterday. I realize I hate book series for two main reasons 1) the first book is a good book and I can't wait for the next one to be published or 2) it is a crappy book in series and I feel I wasted my time.
Listened to Sean Price aka Kimbo Price and had a flashback to the early '90s and Decepticons roaming the subways in Brooklyn. I like this Trap or Die joint by Jeezy, forgot about it but still a good listen.
I talked to a friend or should I say I listened to my friend. Just reaffirmed my women are crazy and men are dumb theory. Need to really write up that blog.

Day 5-
I was just texted by my friend that my Facebook was hacked. Fixed it and quickly got off the internet.
I need to get to the store for some art supplies soon. Wait. Oh yeah. I'm broke.
It's laundry time. I like this teenage girl's chunky headphones- they are black with a red number 6 inside a circle. I'm trying to remember where I have seen them before.
These notes I'm jotting down are like tweeting without Twitter. I do find myself missing the internet a bit.
Just revisited a variation of a story idea I had. Hey, the library has new yellow bags. They kinda remind me of the bank bags in the Jason Bourne movies but much cheaper.
Why are people surprised at flooding if you live by a shoreline? I was never shocked. This lady is whining like she was hit by Katrina.
Should I even do my taxes?
Another food question...why ask questions when the answer is always the same? I should look into male PMS. I might have that shit. Or maybe I'm just more irritable than I think I am.

Day 6-
Fell asleep at 8 pm woke at 12:30 am and then rose again at 6:35 am. I thought I set my alarm for 9:30 pm. Apparently not.
I turned on Z100 (NYC Top 40 station) and the morning show was on as I showered. They are having a discussion about Heathers and how people with that name were bitchy and/or slutty. I had to chuckle at this.
Holy Thursday is April 1st/April Fool's Day. I think there is a deeper meaning there with the catholic church's handling of abuse.
Yard work outdoors. I have that Justin Bieber song stuck in my head. Uh-oh. Do I have Bieber Fever?
I turn on Slacker for a cure and listen to NERD. Their music always makes me think about superheroes and Cali.
Missing vowels? Really, Gmail? That's the best you can do?
Should I get a haircut? The Rub is Saturday.
Grandmother had Marriage Ref on as I worked on something. I find I have to agree with my friends- it is funny. TV is still on with Leno now. Bobby Brown sweeps up on Jay's trivia contest- but he only beats K-Fed and Nicole Eggert so there is that qualifier....

Day 7-
Woke up and I am out of it. I had a dream about me trying to return a lost dog, going south and north, getting into a car accident and then arguing and fighting with 4 cops like I was a Watchmen/Matrix character.
As I walk this dog, I notice similarities between him and me- anger issues, bad teeth, rush for instant gratification, run into things blindly, sweet tooth, need haircuts constantly and constantly humping anything we could in the past.
Touching up a fake fight poster, Nope. I'm not going overboard but might be fear of failure kicking in.
I have to hit the library again. I like rocking my hat or hoodie but don't know if it's for comfort or protection or if it's a form of hiding.
Anyway, this has been a strange but enlightening week. Needed the break but now it's time for inane waste of time on the world wide web.
Why did we stop calling it that? Guess it is geeky but the internet is kinda geeky by it's mere existence.
Whatever. Peace.

Talking Heads Once In a Lifetime....

My cousin came by to visit recently. I hadn't seen him in about two years since our little family reunion. I was in Vegas at that time doing "Sean things" and had come back to NYC to see my sister and her family who were in town from Tokyo. Since we were back, I guess my family decided to have a little meetup. It was cool. I saw a lot of folks I hadn't seen in a while and a few friends came over and I went out to gt drunk at The Rub after. So, basically, a normal summer Saturday for me at home.

But, anyway, back to my older cousin. He came there with my aunt and I talked to him a minute about the usual stuff while I was on the grill and drinking beer. It was kind of hazy (I WAS drinking loads of beer)but I do recall that he was married and I believe working as or with bounty hunters, which, to be honest, is pretty normal for my family outside of the whole married things. I was happy as long as he was happy and he seemed like it.

Flash-forward to now. He comes into town with a new job doing promotional things for Atlantic Records and separated from his wife. He is very happy and is part of the work for the Jay-Z tour. I'm happy for dude but it brings up a strange thought for me.

This guy was raised as a Jehovah's Witness and his parents pretty much kept him away from me, my brother and our other cousins when we were really small because either we lived on a bad block (which was very true) or we were bad influences (only marginally true). He moved out of state and me and my brother visited for a weekend here and there and for his graduation. Basically, his parents spent an inordinate time trying to take him away from "the street" and the things that go along with that. Fast forward twelve years and you really couldn't tell the difference between us and, in fact, some of the things he is doing now I've passed on already.

This makes me thinking about how I ended up in my current condition, hence the title of this post (step your 1980s New Wave music lyrics game up, kid).

I know logically how I arrived at my current state. It comes down to all the little discussions, smart choices, stupid foul-ups, random partying and every other choice I made. There are of course outside forces at work that could have affected my life more positively in terms of success if I followed them and definitely forces that could have had a HUGE negative effect.

Even with that knowledge I still find myself asking how did I get here. This occurs more frequently when I run into people I haven't seen in a while, which happens very frequently since I'm back in New York. It also happens a lot when I hang out or talk to my friends, most of whom I have known for at least a decade. My friends are highly successful or are on the way to living their dreams. It's always interesting that the same people that you walk along with on the same path can have vastly different endpoints. But, then I realize it's the shortcuts we take, the veering to the left and right, and th branching off to another path that crosses with your original path in the future that makes us truly individual. I share a lot of similar courses with my friends and my brother and have seen a lot of the same stuff. It's the stuff that I have saw on my own and those places and time periods that I have been alone that makes me the person I am right now.

The greater question I have to ask myself is why am I even contemplating this. I mean it's a good philosophical question but the truth behind it is deeper. I ask myself this because, to be honest, I'm not always happy with where I am right now. I can think of other options for myself and compare to the actual reality of my status, they are much better.

My questioning of how I ended up here doesn't come from a negative place. It's a tool that I'll have to keep utilizing to make myself move forward. When I am satisfied or at least content in the moment I tend to stagnate and just "be". After that, something normally occurs to make me unhappy and snap out of that existence and move on to the questioning phase. After that is the decision and action part of my life. I think that is what I am starting a new now. This cycle has always occurred with me and I'm not sure whether it is good or bad. I just know it is here and I deal with it in my way.

I hope one day I won't ask the question of how did I end up here and someone else will ask it of me. I will really smile because on that day I'll know I did what I wanted to, following my own path to my idea of success.

Let's do it again....

Posted this last year. Still pretty much true....

Never really want anything for my birthday , except liks and a drama-free night, and generally live a very spartan lifestyle but feel free to get me anything, like something off the list below. if not, no worries, I'll get it myself one day soon....

- artwork by James Jean- the dude is awesome really awesome. plus, I figure I'm kinda a grown-up so I should have art of some kind. his Taciturn series is great.

- BSG Posters- pretty cheap and I'm a HUGE BSG nerd. Plus, it's just a classic look. January 16, 2009- I'm just counting down the days. or this. or this. or even this or this. told u I'm a nerd about it.

- luchadore skully- CANNOT even find this anywhere but I want it because it rocks. hell. if you can find it, just send me the link and I'll get it myself.

- half the stuff on this page. if I could, I would wear just t-shirts, hoodies, jeans, sweats and cargo pants. that's one of my life goals- to dress as comfortable as possible.

and yeah, that's about it. Told you I'm simple. I'll take anything though and just appreciate it because it came from the heart. Thanx and feel free to ignore this. Or pay my rent. I mean feel free to do what you want to do. It's cool with me.

BTW- Christmas is coming too. Just saying.

Did I go to a parallel universe....

Sometimes I think that I was in an accident or something and my brain was somehow affected negatively. My close friends and some of my family at the time were informed of it.

I think that must be the reason people sometimes treat me like I can't do something or act like I'm an idiot about certain things. The problem is when I play into it.

Gotta address that.

No More Runners

(writing this post I realized it could go on my other blog but due to the seriousness and broadness of it I put it here)

When I was discussing my plans to be sober for the Year of Our Lord 2009 with my friends, I had a few nay-sayers and a few folks who were behind me. What I found most amusing was the most valid advice is what I got from my friend, well, we’ll just call him The Angry Speakin’ Rican.

Anyway, I told T.A.S.R. what I was up to and he gave me a little wisdom because he also gave up the drink as well. He suggested that I find another outlet for release because he said that he often drank the most when he was in a disagreement with his loved ones, particularly his girl. He has other distractions to take his time up and suggested I do the same.

Me, being the stubborn jackass that I am, took his advice and filed it under Stuff That Works for Others But That I Don’t Necessarily Need. I mean I drank just because and I pretty much only drank when I was happy.

Yeah. Good times.


Obviously, I was lying to myself.

True, I mostly got bent because I was gonna have a good time and it made me looser and willing to say whatever I wanted to say. They say liquor gives you imaginary muscle but it also grants you the ability to think you are smoother than you really are. When I’m drinking, I’m cocky and believe I’m Don Juan. I never necessarily planned on doing anything (at least not recently at all) with anyone while drunk but it would give me an excuse the next day for a poor decision in deciding to hook up.

So, I didn’t really take what he said into account. I mean, people always piss me off and I shake it off or at least give that appearance and I don’t really/kinda sorta have a girl to make me upset so I had clear sailing. I could beat this thing cold turkey with a blindfold on while skiing downhill on one leg.

Besides, while I didn’t have the outlets he had, I had made a promise to myself to do one good thing or have one good moment of feeling great every day no matter how shitty things were.

I had this sober and getting right thing licked.

WRONG.

I’ve been dealing with some shite that I’ve only hinted at with some folks and kept the rest to myself. (Read past posts for why) Anyway, on Monday, I talked to a friend who is more than a friend and …it’s confusing. Whatever. Let’s just say this person called me out on some shit and, although it was true, the manner in which she said it made me feel like crap. I realized it wasn’t what she said but how and who said it. Someone I worked with could say the same thing and probably in the same way and I would forget about being hurt about it in like an hour tops.

Fours hours after she said it I’m still thinking about it and how she said it without any mercy. First, I was angry at her that she said it but quelled that quickly because I didn’t feel like arguing and ruining my good feeling/thing of the day, which I did for her and my mother. Then, I was pissed at myself (and still am) for the validity of what was said. Then, I got pissed at her again after thinking about it and I’m still a little ticked off but I swallowed most of it again like I used to. I always swallow people irritating me because there is usually a bigger problem to deal with anyway. I had a few thoughts at that moment but the one that slipped in that shocked me was this one.

“Damn. I wish I had a drink or three right now.”


I knew I wasn’t going to go and get lit but the fact that that was what was floating around in my head told me I wasn’t going to have an easy time of this. I didn’t have a plan like “I want to get some drinks and watch a game” or “I want to get a drink and go dance.” No, what I wanted was a drink and someone to complain to and make me forget for a few hours.

For all I joke and BS, it was very real in that moment. I also knew T.A.S.R. was right- when those you love or want to be better for get into your head; you look for something to deal with it and/or push them out. Whether that thing is negative or positive is ultimately up to you. I decided it was going to be positive.

I reaffirmed myself that when I wasn’t working, looking for more work or looking for housing then I was writing or working out. I had to get into proper habits because I was asked if I feared failure like I was once asked before and I knew the answer was Yes. Although I was afraid to say it and admit the truth in that moment, I thought about it and yes, I am and if you say you aren’t, then you are lying to yourself.

No one likes to fail. I HAVE failed before. I have lost it and I have been beaten. It’s not a good feeling and for all that crap you hear about learning from your mistakes, I firmly believe that if anyone had the option then they would choose to learn without slipping. I know I would. This is also one of the reasons that no matter how bad things are right now and the standing invitation from my mother I WILL NOT be going back home. It might be foolish pride talking but I need to do this on my own (somewhat) for at least six more months.

So, I have vowed to do what I want to do for my future, which includes improving myself and doing what is good for me and not what anyone else thinks is good for me. I’m the only one who knows the way and I appreciate the advice but I have to find my own path. If that is cool and you can go with me, then that’s awesome. If not, oh well. I’ve been left before. I’ll always have a seat waiting for you if you are good enough.

It’s up to you but I know what I have to do.

Tough Times Make Tough People

This post is about my life and Battlestar Galactica.

Trust me. Just go with it.

Last night, I think I was maybe the loneliest I have ever been in my life.

I don’t mean alone. I’ve been alone before. Hell, I’m alone most of the time nowadays. Alone means generally that I’ve been by myself somewhere but still knew in the back of my head that there was someone I could count on at that exact moment to talk to if necessary.
Not that I would ever do so if I had a problem. Foolish pride and obstinacy prevented me from doing that. I’ve gotten better on that front but there is still room for improvement. It’s a constant battle to not slip back into that old mode.

I have also been lonely before. I went to college with a good chunk of people I knew in some capacity from high school. I also knew a few upperclassmen going into Vassar and met a group of great people while there that are still my friends.
Still, during that last half of my freshman year I found myself often sitting on a hill by myself or in the chapel (strange because I’m not really religious at all) just thinking and trying to find something to make things make sense to me without having to go to someone for help. It wasn’t smart but I was 18 and dumb.
Don’t judge. So were you.

Anyway, for about five minutes last night, as I sat in a Taco Bell in a corner table (something else I have been doing more- observing all with my back against a wall) with a couple on the other side of the restaurant and the workers in the back horsing around I truly felt lonely. My phone was silent. No tweets. No texts. Just me and my thoughts and thinking about my current predicaments. Thinking that this was all up to me at that point to direct which way my life goes and I shouldn’t look to others to get me out of jams I’m in. You always know that truth in the back of your head but to have it crystallized...

The moment passed but it was scary. And before anyone even says anything, I know. I know. I have folks that’ll look out for me and I can probably call if I really need the assistance.
The thing I’m realizing as I get older is that everyone has their own shite to deal with and you can’t depend on others unless it is a true emergency. It’s not that they don’t want to help you. My family (some) and my friends (mostly) would break their necks to help me out but I don’t or at least I try not to for a few reasons. Number one goes back to my stubborn nature with asking for help. I CAN usually figure out a solution for a problem by myself if left alone. The second reason is that I realize they have their own issues to deal with- whether good or bad- that I don’t want to pile on it with my stuff. Lastly, and this one relates a GREAT DEAL to my mother, they might deny it but they won’t necessarily ask for help either. Some do and I respect them so much for that but we all have this level of pride to be successful on our own in some way. I don’t mean that they can’t work with others but if the success is part of a team effort then they put a lot in to be proud of. If they didn’t, we probably wouldn’t be friends.

Okay, so now you are asking how does this relate to Battlestar Galactica?

(SPOILER ALERT)

Simple. This last half of the final season finds humanity at the brink of extinction. They found Earth and it’s a nuclear wasteland. Depression has run rampant through the fleet and suicide and people not caring is up. On top of all that, the proposed solution to at least extend their survival is meant with mistrust from past prejudices that, although valid on one level, means nothing in the greater scheme of continuing life for both Cylon and man.


Do you know why I watch this show? Not just for Sackhoff and her crazy behavior or because I never know what's going to happen next. I mean, I watch it for that too but, the main reason I tune is the relationship the show has to the current state of affairs the world is generally in and the state of maelstrom affairs I sometimes feel I live in.

They veil it and don't necessarily hit you over the head with the issues (most of the time) but you can easily tell that the writers are making commentaries on our involvement in Iraq, how we treat prisoners, the steps we taking in guaranteeing and taking freedoms in times of war and peace and dealing with a bleak civilization for the entire human populace, i.e. the crumbling of our financial markets.

What I like about what BSG does with these issues is that it takes us on a personal journey that these characters having with coping or not with something not firmly in their control. I think it mirrors each of our own ways of dealing with crisis and can be broken down into five categories that sometimes overlap and have their own little subsets but I think are pretty spot on.

Dualla- The Surrendered There are people who can't deal with the stress of harsh reality. They might appear at ease outwardly but they are secretly falling apart inside. The world is bleak and unforgiving and they get to the point where they think there is no point in going on any longer. Who they were before is long gone.

Dee was a perfect example of this. She went to her job and even had a nice date with her ex-husband who she still loves. She gave him good advice and walked away with a smile on her face.

Then she pulled the trigger.

Some people aren't made to last when things get tough and the way out seems extremely far away. They live in the present and this stops them from seeing hope in the future.

Lee- The Rebuilder There are those individuals who have faith in the system. They believe that no matter how bad it gets that there is always a solution to make it better. There is nothing that can't be rebuilt into a better form. They don't want to destroy it or start over. They want to work within the system to make it work for everyone.

Lee Adama wants to make the government work in the best interest of the people. He took his position to represent not just his constituents but to make the best choices for the fleet. He stepped in as President of the Colonies because it was necessary to move forward. He allied with the Cylons to move everyone forward.

These people may not know what is around the corner but they have hope that if they work hard enough and make the necessary moves that everyone can get to that better place together.

Tyrol- The Gatherer Most people need others to make it work on some level in their lives. Some people need alliances to get through the turbulent times. They search and find friends to deal with everything. The allies can be new or old friends. Either way they reaffirm or create new bonds with these people to get them through.

Tyrol is trying to find meaning in his life. His true nature has been revealed and he is trying to figure out what that means in the face of immense loss, both personal and general. He knows who he was and is learning a bit about a new part of himself. He is trying to reevaluate his role in the grand scheme of things and forge new bonds with both his "people."

He doesn't know what the future holds for him or the rest of the universe but he is determine to work to getting there. He is concerned about today only in the way it can affect tomorrow.

Gaeta- The Romantic Some people can't deal with change, especially negative change. These people desire a return back to the old ways. They become nostalgic for the past and, often, think it was better than it really was. They trick their mind into this false grand reality of the past to get them through the day. Or they create a particular future in their head with only those they deem worthy alive in it. These people can become very dangerous because they will go to any extreme to make their vision a reality.

Felix is a broken man. He lost his leg and almost lost his life. Both of these were due to the influence of Cylons. He tried to do right on New Caprica and people still died. His faith in the leaders of the fleet has been shaken and he see only one option for the future- no Cylons.

He is willing to ally himself with former traitors, commit crimes and do whatever is necessary to get to this promised land in his mind. He will go on the path to this future and will lose those he loves to get there.

Starbuck- The Phoenix There are those of us who are screw-ups. These folks live life to excess and usually burn brightest and burn out fastest because they go at everything full-steam ahead. They normally don't think and just act. This is dangerous during normal times because they end up hurting themselves and others around them, whether emotionally or physically. These people only perform at their best when they are focused on a problem and times look the most bleak. You can count on them to save the day and slay the monster because they happen to have a monster in them. They might not belong on the shiny world of the future but they are necessary to get to that world because they are willing to do what is needed and play the anti-hero.

Kara doesn't know who she is. She died and came back and led the fleet to Earth. They found Earth and it was an irradiated wasteland and Kara found something there she couldn't explain. She went back to her old destructive ways and closed herself off like before.

Then the fleet began to fight against itself. She didn't hesitate. She armed herself and went hunting. She was going to save the other souls fighting for the future even if she isn't meant to enjoy it and anything that got in her way would be cut down. The world is becoming black and white for her, like it often does for those that rush forward. It doesn't matter what is happening here- what is important is the end result.

I think I'm still like Lee but definitely see myself going towards Kara's path, although I want to be like the chief.



How about you?

The Traveler

I'm dedicated to this year being a WHOLE lot better than last year, which shouldn't be so hard to accomplish considering the general craptastic moments I had. I also am a realist and know that this goal of a good 2009 and further won't be accomplished over night. I still have a lot of work to do and I also have some stuff left over from last year to still deal with. Realistically, I won't see a substantial upswing until maybe April.

That being said, I have had a pretty meh first couple of days of 2009. New Year's Eve was okay even if low-key and sober but the last two or three days have been pretty piss poor. Getting stopped by the cops again, account and money issues, hours being loss at work, silly and not so silly arguments and being in a general funk have made this past weekend highly reminiscent of 2008. My roommate and my out-of-town pal offered to buy me a drink but I knew it would just make me more depressed and/or angry. I got so fed up with it last night I just went to sleep at around 8:30.

8:30. On a Saturday night. In Vegas. Yeah. Very wrong.

So, I wake up early to go to the library and do some writing and get my head clear. As always as this laptop takes a minute to come on and connect to the internet, I take a minute to stroll through the new fiction. Sometimes I'll find something I want or just something I wouldn't read but that turns out to be pretty good or at least a decent distraction. Today was no exception.

I picked up Traveler by Daren and Daniel Simkin. It had a nice basic cover and I was particularly interested because it was created by two brothers and I'm working on a story concerning two brothers. I was also recently thinking about trying to come up with something for me and my brother to work on because I fear we both might be treading water a little bit and might need a lil push.

Anyway, I open up the book and look at the pages and think this book is for kids. As I read it, I realize it could be for kids but it definitely contains a message for lost adults. Whether that's lost in love or being lost in your family or clueless with what you want to do, this book is for you. It's not a road map per se but it definitely makes you feel better about the choices or non-choices you have made. It sort of reminded me of Oh, The Places You'll Go! by Dr. Seuss, which is for kids but has more to say to young adults.

I don't want to give away much about the book because I think people should read it but I'll just say that the main character reminds me of myself, always searching for that perfect place and not living the life the way his friends do. They meet in the end and he is sad that he didn't do the things they did but they also want to hear how he did live his life differently than them.

This is particularly poignant for me on two levels.
First, I used to have a boss who told me that a man should look for something he is 75-85% happy with and be satisfied. Then, you can build on the rest. I think his point is that you can never find something that totally fulfills you but if you find enough things that do it most of the way the combination of them will make your life full. If we are always pursuing 100% happiness (which a lot of people do), we pass up the things with potential to get us to that place.
Secondly, I hang out with my friends when they visit here or when I go see them and I often find myself as the odd man out. They have taken pretty well-defined life paths and have a definite future that is pretty much set, either through good work or a passion that drives them. I always feel like the lost soul trying to get back on track. I was talking to my friend and he told me something that shocked me- he was at times a little happy for me because I just lived my life without boundaries and rules and just go with the wind. I told him I felt the same way about him and the others and I'm always scared that I screwed this thing called life up big time. But hearing that did make me feel marginally better and hopeful.

I guess we can't always see the positive aspects of our own lives and can appreciate those of others. The grass is always greener on the other side.

I still need to mow my lawn but it does make me feel better that someone sometimes peeks over my fence and thinks "Hey, you are living part of a life I want."

Random Knowledge

Collected knowledge from wise men of our time.

These gentlemen have, in my humble opinion, have been sent to our little planet to impart wisdom to the masses. It isn't everything you need to know but it is a lot to make your life better. Enjoy and learn.

Trust me. This will improve your life.

Mr. Manning has been dropping some knowledge for a while. Listen to number 18.

Peyton 1

Peyton 2

Peyton 3

Peyton 4

Peyton 5

And Randy Moss on keeping your money right.

And of course, the genius that is Mike Tyson.



Heed these words of wisdom from one of the true sages of our time....


You ARE a fool and these three men will help you. I included the pertinent links but I got more if you need extra help. Sucka!

Wesley Snipes

Ghostface Killah

Mr. T Gem 1
Mr. T Gem 2
Mr. T Gem 3
Mr. T Gem 4 (obviously I need some work with this one)
Mr. T Gem 5
Mr. T Gem 6
Mr. T Gem 7 building on Gem 6
Mr. T Gem 8
Mr. T Gem 9
Mr. T Gem 10 for a car commercial, it's very deep.

If you follow these jewels of knowledge, your life will be infinitely better. Trust me. And get rid of that food tongue, son.

Perhaps the most important advice from Mr. T- M.O.M. word.

It is the greatest book of common sense. EVER. The name of this book.....
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO PRETTY TONEY
by Ghostface Killah with J. Brightly

This book is not just awesome for it's sage advice but also for it's excellent pictures that make the book even better. Of particular note, is the pics of Donnell Rawlings (aka Ashy Larry) accompanying the pearls of wisdom.

Chapter Titles-
Livin':Y'all Sleepin' Too Much
Bobbin' & Weavin':Gotta Stay On Point
Wizdom:How You Gonna Tell The Chick She Can't Shit?
The Hustler's Diet:Just Look In The Cabinets
Toneology:We Gotta Bring It Back To The Table.
(The Hustler's Diet and Wizdom are my favorite chapters, by the way-true Jew-Elz)

The book also comes with an audio CD for y'all who can't spend time reading.

Get this book. Read it. Listen to the CD. Improve your life. Word.

I now need to find some of the wisdom that is Michael Irvin, who appreciated the finer things in life. Like crack cocaine.

The Good Life

I said in an earlier post that I have been pretty much off of television for awhile now, outside of a football game at the pub or random show at someone’s house. That being said I do have DVDs of good shows that are off the air or are/were on in other countries. I was recently watching a show that fell into both of those categories- The Office, the UK version. I was watching the series ending Christmas special and it came to the scene when Dawn and Tim got together finally. David begins to speak and well, I’ll just put down what he said-

“A philosopher once wrote, ‘You need three things to have a good life. One, a meaningful relationship. Two, a decent job of work. Three, to make a difference.’” - David Brent, The Office UK

Now, I had heard his words before but they struck a particular chord with me the other night. As you can tell by the content of this blog, I have increasingly been thinking about my future and what I want with my life. I think this quote (I’m afraid I don’t know who really came up with the quote or if it was invented for the show; irregardless…) is a good basic structure to plan your life around. It doesn’t cover the whole gamut of your experiences or what you have to do or deal with but it gives you a foundation to build on. Let’s see where I am with these three simple tenets and feel free to compare your own life to it as well.

A meaningful relationship- I know that he was probably referring to a relationship between you and someone special (which I will get to later) but I think this can also apply to familial relationships and relationships with friends. I’m sure there is a study somewhere that correlates positive interactions with these two groups with your personal life but I can’t find it so I’ll just use my own circumstances. I always perform and do better in almost all aspects of my life when I am on good terms with my family and am in contact with my friends.
It seems that my low points are always around those times when I feel alone or I’m arguing with one (or a few) of the members of either group. My job performance goes down and I get even lazier about doing my writing during those times. It saps my vitality. This is all to say that I have been more productive recently because I’m returning home for awhile and have been in more contact with almost all of my friends from back home and even out here in the desert. But let’s get to what you really came here for…

I definitely think you need all of what is stated in the above paragraph but your feelings of joy or sadness is also reflected when you have or don’t have someone special in your life. That’s not to say that you NEED a person to validate you or make you happy. Hell, you can be just happy with your family and friends and I think that everyone should experience single time in their life and be cool with it.
I’m saying that if you HAVE a special person (and you are on cool terms with them at that moment) you can get through a lot more even without the full support of those other relationships. I have a weird “thing” going on right now and it’s both frustrating and great at the same time. It could be much better in my opinion but I’m glad I have someone I can talk to sometimes (when she is available) and that is sometimes what galvanizes me through the day or those tough times. Even if the other person doesn’t always see it or you don’t say it enough, they can get you over that bump in the road or even that long bad road. If you get someone like that, keep them around as long as possible and be the best for you and them.

A decent job of work- I really like my job. Okay, let me rephrase that. I MOSTLY really like my job. It's good honest work that I can get through and complain the least about as compared to other jobs. I enjoy working with kids of all ages and even can deal with their snarkiness and bad taste in music.

Really? C'mon....I weep for the future.

No matter how crap the rest of my day is or even if I complain about them later, I really like those little crumbsnatchers and hormonal teenagers. I have done this type of work for about five or six years and I like the fact that I reach kids that feel the same way generally I felt about school- I like learning but don’t want to be in class. I couldn’t stand school and if you told me when I was in high school that this is what I would be doing, I would have laughed in your face and went back to our dark hallway to not do my homework. To give a kid knowledge of something even when they take me to the edge makes me feel good.
All that being said, teaching ISN’T my passion. I figure I’ll still do it in some shape or form for the remainder of my life but, what I really want to do is write for a living. I enjoy making up stories or, I should say, bringing stories to light. Those moments when ideas click and I see the path of these characters are golden for me. I want to spread my vision of the world and other worlds to folks and, hopefully, get a little change out of the deal.
I think that’s what he meant by a decent job of work- something you enjoy and that doesn’t make you want to SNAP! A job where you aren’t just going through the motions to get to five o’clock. I mean everyone does it some or even most days but to do it day in and day out kills your soul and really, what’s the point? You pay your bills but you aren’t living if you spend most of your day being miserable. That isn’t a life. Do something you love and if you can’t do that at least do something you like. That’s my two cents worth.

To make a difference- I think this is the noblest of the three and the hardest to explain. It’s hard to quantify strictly because it is so vague. Everyone has a different idea of making a difference just like everyone has different ideas about success and happiness.
To some, making a difference is a monumental undertaking such as engaging in a social movement or fighting for a particular group. To others, it’s creating a change in their community or correcting familial problems. That’s the beauty of making a difference- it’s unique to everyone but at the core it’s about creating interpersonal relationships and making a change to the world whether on a small, personal level or globally.
I think I want to make a difference and I do right now. I think that is the one thing on this list I always do regardless of how the other two factors are going. I’ll always educate even when it’s not for work and I’ll always help out, even if it something as simple as helping someone carry their bags, giving someone a lift, helping the elderly or staying with someone until the ambulance comes. I feel most content with this element of my life and hope to make it a bigger component the more successful I get with the other two.

So there you have it. I hope this wasn’t another rambling mess and that you actually got something out of it and that it makes you think about your own life. Maybe you have other benchmarks than these three for having a good life. If you do, good on you. Go for those. I’m going to use these and try my best. Hopefully, we meet in a good place with equally good lives.