The Doppler Effect*

The other day I ran into a doppelganger of my younger brother a few blocks from my home. Logically I knew it couldn't be him as soon as I saw him. My brother was at work and in a totally different borough. But this guy walked exactly like him. They were about the same height and coloring. They possessed the same gait. The outfit this guy had on looked similar to something that my brother would wear, if a tad bit baggier than his usual taste. He was even loudly singing along to rap music.

Basically a taller, lighter version of Tyrese in 1994.

Like I said I knew it wasn't my brother but as I passed this guy a thought passed through my head- "Wow. Another one."

You see, this wasn't the first person I encountered in my travel that possessed more than a passing resemblance to someone I know. I've seen versions of my friends walking in Midtown, hustling to places in the cold weather of the Northeast, riding on the J train and waiting with me at bus stops. I've known it wasn't them because we didn't acknowledge each other as familiar and most of the time the person they looked like was out of town so it couldn't be them.

The scariest is when I see old black men nowadays. Not all black men but certain older black men instantly make me think of my late father. The familiar smile at an inner joke, the crazy eyebrows, that familiar older black male stance of "I'm old, youngin', but I'll give you a lesson if you need it, son."

AKA The Morgan Freeman.

I think this might be a symptom of missing dude or maybe the universe is telling me I should listen to the voice of others that lives inside of me that tries to illuminate a correct course of action. Or maybe it's life telling me to not allow things to pass me by as an outside observer. That life is short and people move on and do what they love and grow and  expand and sometimes pass on and if I don't start doing the same I'm not doing what I should do. If you're not living up to your potential and just standing there as things flow around you, what does that make you?

Uatu- RIP

Or maybe all the people I know just look like a lot of other people. I know I have been told that I looked like pretty much every black male of a certain age ** and that was how I got the unfortunate nickname of Flusher in high school.*** Are we all Cylons secretly? Are we just variations on a few types of people, just moderately changed through time and genetic drift?

They have a plan...

This whole doppelganger thing is spooky, yo.



*I know the Doppler effect and doppelganger are two unrelated terms but it sounds good and this piece is also talking about things approaching and receding from a subject- me. So, there.
**Only sometimes said in a racist manner.
***You're smart. You can figure that one out. Use context clues.

Thor Odinson Vs. Norrin Radd

It should come as no surprise to anyone who reads this blog, is an old friend, follows me on Tumblr/Twitter/Instagram or even knows me a little bit that I'm a HUGE geek. I fall into the mostly sci-fi geek tribe nowadays but my base is comic books, like I imagine many people who are also in this tribe. Hell, that was partially how I learned to read. We usually begin as those weird kids who know how Rogue got her basic powers beside power/personality absorption,(1) can tell you who was in the originals Defenders line-up,(2) can name the founding members of the original Legion of Super-Heroes as well as their benefactor(3) and can explain to you the complicated family tree of the Summers family.(4) We grow and get picked on sometimes and sometimes graduate to more mature geeky readings and movies and TV shows, like Lord of The Rings, BSG and The X-Files. Us old geeks were geeky before it was cool to be geeky. We took those early blows so that you gals and guys could be comfortable in your geeky skins now.

You're welcome.

The person I need to thank who helped me (and therefore you neo-geeks) on this geeky path was my father. He showed me the Star Wars trilogy reinforcing the Hero's Journey, praised EightMan and gave me that early taste of anime and loudly talked throughout the premiere of Jurassic Park with the accompanying laughter of a surprisingly predominately Caucasian audience. He did all of this but most importantly he introduced me to comic books. He was an artist and comic books were an art form that could be enjoyed by a wide age-range. It encompassed ALL the possible stories that could be told by mankind, like all good science fiction. From a nerdy teen from Queens who got powers from a radioactive arachnid to a family of explorers fighting a mystical/technological Eastern European dictator to tales of soldiers in Vietnam to humanity fighting aliens in the far future for survival, comic books had it all. We loved them all but our favorites usually came from the Marvel vaults.

My father's favorite was The Mighty Thor. It was Stan Lee, Larry Lieber and The King, Jack Kirby himself, at their most operatic and most bombastic. Many other writers followed but I think the Walter Simonson run was his favorite. It captured the original Journey Into Mystery feel with more flair. It was a story of generations and space gods doing battle with other gods and monsters.

I was meh about the whole thing. Thor was a product of the 1960s to the weird 1980s to me. He was a big, whiny, blonde guy who talked funny and had a hammer. Yes, he was mythic and could bring down great and terrible weather conditions but I already had Storm in the X-Men and she was a foxy Black woman so, there you go. I think my dad liked him because Thor was very much a part of the "epic hero saga." The Odinson's stories were about family issues at their heart and having companions that were fated to play roles until Ragnarök took them all. I think the destiny thing worked for my dad because the actual life people live is not written out by the universe for us. There is comfort in that story, even if your fate is to fall in Ragnarök after defeating the Midgard Serpent Jörmungandr, who ultimately poisons you. It is a doomed end but it is also a noble and heroic one. A "manly end."

I could take or leave this big, flaxen haired warrior when I was younger but dad introduced me to another Lee/Kirby creation. An argent agent of a massive purple humanoid force of nature. The herald of the universal planet eater, Galactus. He was Norrin Radd of doomed Zenn-La, also known as the Silver Surfer.

Yes, he was also a bit whiny but I got his complaints. Thor was a child angry at his father with vast powers and some weird anger issues. The Silver Surfer had legitimate beefs. He was a smart dude yearning to explore on a planet of people that were very comfortable with their condition on an Utopian world. Despite this, he sacrificed his life and soul to save them and the woman he loved. He came to Earth and recognized the nobility of these aliens called humans that were very similar to him. He rebelled against his master, saved another planet of people and was rewarded by being trapped there. He complained a bit but he had adventures still and accepted his conditions with bravery and a stoic, at times, resolve. Plus, he "surfed" and I lived a block from the beach.

I understood this dude.

I liked this dude.

You know who I'm rooting for here, folks.

Norrin was a loner with a broken heart looking for other weirdos who understood him. He was a traveler, always looking for the next lesson, the next adventure. He rebelled against authority. All of these qualities oddly got to me when I was a young kid, before anything similar happened to me.(5) And he kept evolving. He eventually got off of Earth and had crazy space adventures and fought mad gods and teamed up with the angry duo of The Hulk and Namor, who I still say is the dickiest of all characters except maybe Black Adam. They even have similar dickish haircuts but let's move on.

Dicks.

Looking back, maybe the reasons why my dad gravitated to this Nordic space god and I went for the silver rider of cosmic waves were simple. All of the time he was with us dad had family that wasn't really family. I was introduced to people my father grew up with, all his friends. People he loved and treated as family but weren't blood. His family wasn't around or he didn't connect with them or vice versa. I didn't meet any of my father's family until his funeral last month. He has one sibling, a brother, that I've never seen or met but my father would always say that "Sean, you are exactly like him. I had my brother's child." He picked his family and  created his family from his friends and his children that he raised to varying degree. Maybe Thor being pretty much a family saga called out to something deep in his psyche and soul. That feeling of being connected by fate, destiny and blood that he was missing.

All related.

And if that was the case, maybe the opposite was why I liked the Silver Surfer so much. I have a TON of family. Always have and they have, usually, been near or around me. My cousins have lived in the same house as me at a few points or down the street or a couple of blocks away. I've always had an uncle living in the same house with me; I have one doing so right now. My grandmother always lived above me. My younger brother and I are usually in close proximity to each other and my oldest sibling always used to come by and forced me to not sleep in my own bed when I was little. My life has always been lousy with family. (6)

But even with all this family, I've felt alone many times. Not lonely but alone. I've always searched out for more people like me, who shared similar likes and dislikes. My family is filled with smart people but I was always the geeky, weird guy reading the encyclopedia in the empty bathtub. I was the non-fighter of my siblings. The well behaved one. The one who would go down this already prescribed path to success.

I wanted out.

I liked to go exploring. I tried different things. I was the guy who would hop on a plane to try somewhere new or go for a visit to a friend nowhere near me. (7) My sister and her family moving around helped me to scratch my new place itch at times. I moved out to Vegas.

I also loved being around my new like-minded and mostly geeky or nerdy friends. But, I also liked being alone. Going for walks by myself. Sitting at the beach, solo. Exploring the church on campus. Maybe it because I didn't always fit in with my friends either. They seemed more sure of themselves. They were/are certainly cooler than me. I would and still get into my "Sean needs to be alone" moments.

I was Norrin Radd. (8)

Mr. Solo Dolo.

Maybe I'm reading too much into our preferences on who was the better character in these old funny books. I'm no psychologist. I think I might be partially correct about my dad and I feel pretty confident that I'm 90% right about my own self-diagnosis.

Yeah, this seems right.

Either way, I owe that DAD guy a lot. Not just for half my DNA but for the love of this geeky life he gave me. He provided the foundation to build on. I wasn't always his fan and we didn't always see eye to eye on certain things, comic book characters being one of those things, but I always loved the man. That love was expressed in our discussions about who would win in a fight or which characters had the best story arcs or why he loved Lord of the Rings so much and, as he got sicker, what was going on in the universes of four color heroes. It was how we connected, like the way he connected with my other siblings through talking about their kids, or boxing or basketball. Me and my father had comic books, geeky movies, drawing things and the whole landscape of science fiction. 

So far, at least in the movie world, his guy is beating my guy. I like the cinematic Thor WAY more than the Silver Surfer in the Fantastic Four movies. But, I'm not giving up on my guy yet. Maybe someone will do my guy justice. Maybe I'll do him justice because that might be the most important thing I got from my father- a belief that anything was possible. 

Tales could be created and you could bring things into existence if you put enough effort into creating characters, ideas and concepts that people could relate to and adopt for themselves. Thor or Silver Surfer, if you could get behind them as more than characters, could become real in your world. You could give them life like the masters that did it before you.

My father created life through me and his other kids and their kids. He touched the life of his wife in immeasurable ways. He was a beloved man by his friends and co-workers and pretty much anyone that encountered him. He might not have realized all his dreams but he is certainly inspiring me right now to go after mine. I'll always love him for that.

Thanks, Dad. I won't bust Thor's chops (too much) anymore, for you. Maybe we'll meet again, pass the rainbow bridge Bifrost and Heimdall's all-seeing eyes in Valhalla, in eternal Asgard. (9)

I can imagine it. I owe you that.

(1) She absorbed Carol Danvers powers AKA Ms. Marvel, who is now Captain Marvel and got her powers from a Kree device and took her name from Mar-Vell, also know as Capt. Marvel. Ms. Marvel is now Kamala Khan.

(2) Dr. Strange, Namor and the Hulk. Some people often include Silver Surfer but he wasn't in the original mission versus The Nameless One and The Undying Ones.

(3) Cosmic Boy, Saturn Girl and Lightning Boy(Lad). I guess you can include Superboy in there if you want. They were financed by RJ Brande.

(4) Do you have a few hours and a whiteboard?

(5) Well, maybe I was always a loner looking for "my people" but definitely no real heartbreak then. That didn't happen until like 6th grade when I was old and experienced.

(6) I mean "lousy" in the best way, guys. I love you all.

(7) Living on the last stop on the A train helped with that as well.

(8) I might still be Norrin Radd. I dunno.

(9) And Heimdall is a Black dude in our version too.

so...

Will really update whenever I get home later today but what's going on with me?

Well...

-Dad is back in the hospital. Been there pretty much all week but I wasn't informed until 2 AM on Thursday morning. They are unsure of what exactly is wrong this time and are still running tests. He is in isolation and so I have to wear a mask and gloves when I see him.

I totally got sidelined while I searched for this by THIS. I'm simple.

This type of activity has been going on for awhile and doesn't get easier. This is particularly true because outside of his wife I'm the one that sees him and so he shares all the melancholy with me that he won't tell anyone else. It gets kinda heavy especially as his health doesn't improve; it just becomes bearable.

-Airing out my room since the plumbing in my house decided to crap out and back all the pipes up yesterday. Me and my uncle figured out what the problem was so no plumber was necessary (which was good) but since all the pipes are connected in the grand scheme of things, I had to clean some interesting stuff out my shower (which was HORRIBLE).

So my morning was just this. Fail.

-Still trying to get my personal statement perfect. You know, for someone who shares pretty freely on this thing, writing that is tougher than I expected.

-Cleaned out the shed with my brother yesterday. That came about because while I was dealing with the plumbing I was looking for a wet-vac out there. I found two of them. With no hoses. Pissed me off so I finally went through the place with my brother and organized my family's hoarder stash. Massive job.

Yes, I just called my aunt Smaug. What of it?

-Still having to force myself from e-mailing/texting my friend I "broke up" with. My timing is always impeccable and the person I would discuss all of the above with is the person I can't/shouldn't talk with. Plus, I only am in steady communication with only two of my friends right now so that makes things even better. I'm a winner like that.

They are no amused by my whining or my sarcasm.

I appreciate my one friend who reads this (one of the aforementioned "two") and all the random Latvians and Russians who stumble onto my page but it's not the same.* I miss her although it was the right call to make, hopefully.

So, that's a quick rundown of some of what's been up with me recently. Not happy about it all but I've gotten some good advice recently...

I can do this all day, sucka.

How have y'all been? I'm looking at you, Vlad in Moscow.


*But I do like saying I'm a big deal in Latvia nowadays because it makes me sound like Dr. Doom a bit.**
**"I will always be your better, Richards. You cannot hope to defeat DOOM!!!!"

Nosce Te Ipsum- Know Thyself

Been thinking about be an adult for a minute and, mostly, how I'm not one. I mean physically I'm very much an old guy. My actions and current status though say the opposite. I beat myself over it and try to find escape routes out of it but it grows harder. I see my friends moving forward and that both makes me smile and gives me a heart punch. But it's getting better. I'm starting to realize that like everything in life this is all a matter of perception.
I ran into an old classmate at one of my friend's film screenings. He sit down and talks to me and my friend's mother about his path. He is an actor and doing some big and life-fulfilling things now. He says that it's what he loves and that it came about through a journey of self-discovery. Then he says "You remember I was a bit of clown in high school, right Sean?" I just laugh and give a gentle nod.
Because I really don't.
What I remember was a fellow kid that fit in well and I didn't really have much interaction with him except for the rare moments we were in a class or on a sports team together. He had his friends and I had mine with limited overlap. If I had to describe him back then it would be a kinda corny jock who happened to date a girl I liked a lot. Hell, if you asked me to describe him a few years ago, it would have been the black guy that this white girl from high school got me confused with, which is strange because we look NADA alike and I am taller than him and she talked to him but not me back then.
But I just nodded because I am happy that he has found his joy, high school was a LONG time ago and, hey, maybe he was the joker in his crew. That's how he perceived himself and perception is how we control our own personal universes. Besides just motivating us, this gives us our power.
This is just my belief but I think that perception can change your existence and willpower and belief in your vision can alter your course. I'm not talking about an in The Secret way and just wishing for something to happen but just working isn't enough if their isn't a faith or belief in something backing your quest.
Back to this high school acquaintance/friend/dude I know. His saying that made me flash back to a conversation I had with my father. (Oh, yeah, trying to communicate with him more; another topic for another post) He was describing an incident where a teacher put his hands on me in elementary school. He was relating to me how when he got the call that he thought it might have been my younger brother ("Rock might have said some wild shit") or my older sister ("Relle probably fought him because he did something to her and she didn't play"). The thought of it being me never crossed his mind and he was shocked because "Sean gives me no problems" and is "the good one." The teacher did put his hands on me without cause and he was correct that I gave "no problems" but that perception of me kinda bugged me.
I mean I WAS a good kid. A VERY good kid. And I was always the one who was the smart, rational, calm one. This is not to say my siblings weren't geniuses or rational themselves. They were/are. It's just that THAT was what I was known for. The kid that read the encyclopedia. The son not cussing out my teachers (Rock). The kid not potentially laying the smackdown on someone for linestepping (Relle). And that felt good when I was like 8. But as I grew up I sort of hated that.
The perception we get placed on us can pigeonhole us into a role. It can pressure you and drive you crazy depending on how others see you. This only leaves 3 options-
1) Be mature, accept what people think of you and do what you want regardless
2) Accept that is who you are and become that person
3) Rebel and be the total antithesis of what people believe about you

I did a combo of 2 and 3. I would coast through school because the shit was easy to me and the only time I failed was because I didn't care and behaved accordingly. (Or maybe it was never diagnosed ADHD....) This was childish. The rebellion was costing me my future which I didn't realize until late.
On the other hand, I didn't care that I was fucking up because I just really HATED being "safe, good Sean." It helps to be calm but eating your anger for a lot of years can just create a maelstrom of rage and rashness that's ready to explode at any moment. I used to be shocked at the kids just going crazy in the schoolyard and my little brother just saying whatever to whomever but I understand now that that behavior is sometimes healthy, even if you might get slapped for it. You have released your fireball of anger and can move on instead of being in your late twenties/early thirties with the heat of a thousand suns right under the surface.
I'm finally dealing with balancing my emotions and not living up to anyone's image of me, although it still creeps up from time to time. I have come to realize others' perception has a limited control on my life. My family views me as one way. My friends see me as one way. Women see me as one way. But even with the way I'm perceived by others, MY OWN perception is going to dictate my future and how successful I am going to be in any and every thing I do.
Okay. Ramble done. Get back to steer your ship in your own universe and visit mine when you get the chance. Just know that that kid that I was is still there but he has more facets to his personality now.

My Greatest Fear

I once heard that every piece of western literature and, to a lesser extent, all literature is about the son killing/replacing his father.The idea is that we cannot become complete people until we have usurped the place of our parents and forebears. The usual goal is to become better people than them and to learn from their mistakes. Unfortunately, the case becomes that we become exactly like them or sometimes even worse than they were. This leads me to my greatest fear...

I fear that I will one day become my father.

I will preface this post with this- my father is not an evil Vader like figure and at the end of the day is probably a really good buddy to play a quick pick-up game with or go on a fishing trip with. (I wouldn't be joining you but I think you guys would have a good time) I also want to say that he has some attributes that I like to embrace. For example, he is a good artist, highly creative, charming, witty, intelligent, confident and self-taught. And I don't hate the man. Hate is a strong word deserved for very special individuals and I don't think there will ever come a day where I say I hate my father. Disappointed and sometimes dislike? Yes. Hate? No.

My fear is this- that I will ultimately embrace his darker sides. He is a recovering addict, has multiple kids, does not keep up communications with said kids, always has "financial issues" to the point where I stopped asking for anything from him over a decade ago and is generally not someone to be in a relationship with. (this last one seems to have changed since he has been married for maybe a decade now)
I used to say all the time how I would never get married or have children. My reasoning for this was because I thought I would never find anyone I truly loved and the world was/is a screwed up place to bring a child into. Now, that I look back on it, it stems from watching this man. I fear that I would have kids that wouldn't be able to depend on me at all times and that I would screw up any relationship I chose to enter like he did. I have gotten over some of this fear but it still resides in the back of my head scratching at my brain like a rat.

Perfect example of the relationship or lack thereof I share with my father. Had a long talk with my friend and it made me think I should take a weekend to address some people I should apologize to and to be a bigger person and extend my hand to my father. I had, at the time, only called him if there was an issue with my brother or if my siblings needed me to ask him something/wanted to see him. His favorite line to me has been since high school "The phone works both ways." (familiar to a few of you, I know) My problem with this statement was 1) how come it only seemed to work from my house and 2) you have my number because it was yours for years so why should I as the child be the one to step up? But I looked pass all of this and made a phone call. It was a civil enough if generic conversation. The same question about my relatives and his old friends, i.e. a phone convo that was the exact same as the convos I had when I went to his house. Anyway, we talked and when it was all said and done he said he would call me back. I said I wasn't sure if I would have the same number but I would call him if it changed(it didn't).

Flash-forward to the end of October. He comes to Las Vegas on vacation with his wife for the weekend and doesn't even call. Mind you my number hasn't changed, he talked to my brother the prior week so he could have gotten it from there and the only reason I knew he was in town at all was because my brother mentioned it during my weekly conversation with my mother. Yeah. I was not happy about this but I chalked it up to just how that guy was.
But it made me reflect on my own actions. I quickly scrolled through my head and thought if I had behaved similar with people. There was one incident but I apologized immediately afterwards and, more importantly, my friend is not my son. It was just another incident involving me and my father that had made me recommit to not living my worst fear- becoming him.

I could go on with a few more stories but this post isn't to demonize the man just to state some issues I have with his behavior towards me or involving me tangentially.

My sister once told me that my father is a great friend but is lacking in the dad department. I have come to agree with her (but I'm currently not too interested in discovering if the friend part of that statement is true). My goal is to become a better man by not making the same mistakes he did.

The Rundown (with Sean not Seann)

- arrived in the world early by at least a month. Very small baby. Spent a nice portion of my first few years in the hospital. Used to have epileptic seizures (possible west syndrome?) and stopped breathing at various points along with having to endure spinal taps. Good thing I don't remember any of that shite.

- my older sister gave me my first name. Why a five year-old was given that sort of power over my life, I don't know. Middle name came from my dad. Various mispronunciations and newly created nicknames ensue.

- got one full, angry younger brother, an older half-sister that I didn't realize was a half-sister until my twenties (not that it matters), an older half-brother from Coney Island that used to visit us in The Rock all the time when we were young. Found out I have another half-brother and half-sister a few years ago at my dad's wedding. Also, a younger step-brother now. My dad was busy.

- mother has been a hard-working telephone operator for as long as I can remember. Taught me all about hard work and dedication. She was the tough, scary parent. The real disciplinarian and I used to assume all arguments between her and my dad was mostly her fault but I grew up and learned the truth. In the past 6 or 7 years, I have gotten very close to her. Not an outwardly emotional person (hence, why I am who I am) but always looks out for her loved one and is extremely generous, to her detriment (another trait I seem to have unfortunately inherited as well, like my sis)

- father was the "cool" parent when I was little, i.e. he was the one who bought you cool toys and talked to you somewhat like an adult and was funny. He was the emotional one of the mom-dad duo. He was very relaxed, but this may have been very much due to marijuana abuse. Nation of Islam half-supporter, which was why I had to end my love affair with pepperoni for awhile and was always of the initial mindset that white people were the devil (except those who bought drugs from us-kind of like George Jefferson in that regard). Disappeared for days at a time, went to rehab, cleaned up his act, came back different and then just left one day not to return until he wanted the crap he bought back. Nice. As you can tell, I still have some unresolved issues with dude and haven't seen/talked to him since my brother was assaulted last year.

- always lived with my grandmother and aunt and various uncles who have flitted in and out of the house. Aunt always looked out in her own unique way and uncles contributed as well as they could but they are also the reason for my inflated "Fields Ego" at times, meaning the belief that we can get any woman we want if we say the right shite. Have slightly overcome that cocky mindset.

- emotions/emotion related activities in my house in my youth- anger, sarcastic responses (prerequisite for being in my family is having tough skin), not backing down from fights, non-use of the l-word and limited hugging or any other act to show the l-word.

- I was the third oldest in the living nearby cousin rankings. My sister was definitely in charge of all of us but she was also at least 4 years older than my only older cousin and his parents brought him by to play infrequently with us before they moved to Maryland (later learned they thought me, my bro and my other cousins were kinda bad influences- J.Witnesses, wha are you gonna do?). So, that made me the default one in charge when I could be bothered to lead. My father was sort of the official male role model for me and my cousins. Pretty good example, when he was there, outside of the drug use/selling but then again that was sort of a family tradition that still continues in some form ‘til this day. He left, I had to pick up the slack. Should have done a better job but I have kept the situations from getting worse than they could potentially be. Hopefully, my brother and cousins feel the same.

-Where I grew up....

Nuff said.

- exposed to drug use/selling at early age. also, other criminal activities were nearby at most times. definitely brings to mind a term from the movie Sleepers in my head- " a place of innocence ruled by corruption." This essentially means while the neighborhood is safe for children, the people in charge are often involved in illegal incidents. People followed some sort of rules back in the day though so I was never really worried except when police showed up. Didn't like cops as a kid- can deal with them for the most part now. Unless they are pricks. Hate prick cops.

- saw people shot full in the face before, as well as other extremities. One incident pops into my head instantly- must have been fifth or sixth grade and my sis' boyfriend (future husband) was visiting for the first time. Cool guy. He, my sis, my bro and me are inside the house at the time (don't recall if my cousins were there or not). my mother, grandmother and aunt were outside on the porch talking to some dude we knew from down the street. grandmother's husband was across the street probably doing something illegal. All in all a good night. That was until someone started shooting at my grandmother's husband. Or at least I think he was the target that evening. Think they only caught him in the foot but the man my grandmother was talking to was hit in the face. Bullet went in through cheek and out through the nose. What I remember clearly was my brother freaking out because he thought my mother might have got hit and my future bro-in-law keeping him and my sis calm. I also remember the dude leaking blood out in our hallway floor near the front door. Kinda weird scene to see around the age of 10. Wouldn't be the last time I saw someone hit like that either but luckily this guy made it. And my sis' boyfriend came back the next day. Dude gets all props for that because I'm not sure what I would have done in the same predicament. Kudos.

- didn't sleep a great deal as a kid, a tradition I carry on somewhat to this day. still only sleep about four hours now too. Always stayed awake until like 3 in the am constantly on the weekend with my father on the porch outside. saw a lot and heard a lot. Also stayed up a lot in the house so I was privy to discussions (read: arguments) that my brother missed between my parents. Lucky him.

- there used to be a show that filmed in our neighborhood for CourtTv called The System. It was about local crime. My bro and cousins were on it during a drive-by filming of our street. Lived next to the crack spot so that made our house a hot attraction. Well, that, and all the drug dealers that hung out at my house or on our porch. oh, and my father was on the intro for awhile-getting arrested. He went missing one night and found out he got arrested for drinking on the porch. Recognized him because he was wearing a letterman's jacket that I used to rock sometimes.

- had to replace a few house windows, dig bullets out of our wall and visit a rehab or two in my time (not rehab for me- for others).

- how I learned to swim- went to a party on the beach (literally, one block from my house). Random cousin of the birthday boy picked me up and threw me into the water as I was screaming my lungs out. "Swim or die." Guess which I did.

- went to public school until 8th grade with mostly minorities and some white people who were not of the highest caliber. Then went to private school and had to adjust and overcome my perceptions of all white people. Took me about three years to overcome my racism. Realized that white people aren't jerks because they are white. They just happen to be jerky AND white. Also met jerky black, hispanic and asian people.

- outside of e, al, shak and crew, my closest homeboy was normally a big white boy who was funny and/or violent on my bus. The first was dan reynolds who fell more into the violent column. Then there was neil mccarthy, who was definitely in the funny category. Good people, that neil. Still on my friends’ list on Myspace.

- another person who helped me overcome my initial dislike of anything other than me was Dee Madison. Cute, funny, smart ass blonde chick. Tough too. Reminded me of my mother a little bit in that last aspect. Had a crush on her but didn't make a move. Still had some of that old daddy programming in me. Plus, I was a punk. Also, on my Myspace friends’ list.

- that's not to say high school was all sweet. The table where all the minorities sat was nicknamed "the Nable". Guess why. Yeah….that was a fun time.

- drink a lot less than I used to. Used to swill a lot and get those moments of binging when I'm with crew still. Thinking my drinking really started in force after sophomore year of college when I was living in Georgia. Also, the vodka lemonades I had during the junior and senior years of high school didn't hurt. And when I say during, I mean DURING- like between classes.

- smoking of the trees begin around 16 and ended last year with differing periods of sobriety. Been exposed to second-hand since I could remember though. Not gonna go back. Done with it. T and crew will pick up my slack. Was fun while it lasted.

- outside of those two vices, I've only ever tried one other drug and that was mushrooms. Did them once. Won't do them again unless I become filthy rich. Wasn't a horrible experience but I'm in no rush to do again. That or drugs of any kind.

- girls/chicks/ladies/wimmens- normally attracted to the crazy, odd, and/or shat upon chicks. Don’t know why. Maybe it goes to a savior complex or I like trouble. Regardless, when I find myself attracted to a woman, I wonder what is gonna be the problem I will have to deal with later. Hopefully, I have broken this trend or I'm going to have to really re-evaluate myself.

- relationships- as you can tell, emotional expression is a difficult thing for me. Feel I am improving but I still need work. The only successful relationship in my family is my sister and her husband. All the others have not been good. Hence, my fear of marriage and long-term relationships in general. Also, don't want to be a total man-whore like my older male family counterparts.

- need to work on my focus. Used to like school and really get into my work. Since about high school that has been on the decline. Outside of moments of extreme focusedness (know it isn't a word but we use it anyway) on certain things, I need to dedicate my self to elementary school focus. 9 year-old Sean would be cursing out 28 year-old Sean right now. Used to rely on luck too much and still have a tendency to leap without looking. Need to address that too.