Why Caged Therapy? A threefold reason-
1) too broke to afford real therapy
2) most people want to talk, few want to listen
3) hate repeating myself
....Did I just say that?
C'mon, son. You LOVE the chance to say it. If you didn't, you probably wouldn't even be thinking it, much less letting those words come to your lips.
I find that people who say this generally are the same people who must have the last word in anything. They have to express their opinions and that's cool most of the time. But sometimes they become arseholes and just want to say things to irritate or prove that they are correct, even if they aren't. Victory is vital for this special brand of human.
If you really hated to say it, guess what you could have done?
That's right because this is going on in my head whenever you speak anyway.
Will really update whenever I get home later today but what's going on with me?
Well...
-Dad is back in the hospital. Been there pretty much all week but I wasn't informed until 2 AM on Thursday morning. They are unsure of what exactly is wrong this time and are still running tests. He is in isolation and so I have to wear a mask and gloves when I see him.
I totally got sidelined while I searched for this by THIS. I'm simple.
This type of activity has been going on for awhile and doesn't get easier. This is particularly true because outside of his wife I'm the one that sees him and so he shares all the melancholy with me that he won't tell anyone else. It gets kinda heavy especially as his health doesn't improve; it just becomes bearable.
-Airing out my room since the plumbing in my house decided to crap out and back all the pipes up yesterday. Me and my uncle figured out what the problem was so no plumber was necessary (which was good) but since all the pipes are connected in the grand scheme of things, I had to clean some interesting stuff out my shower (which was HORRIBLE).
So my morning was just this. Fail.
-Still trying to get my personal statement perfect. You know, for someone who shares pretty freely on this thing, writing that is tougher than I expected.
-Cleaned out the shed with my brother yesterday. That came about because while I was dealing with the plumbing I was looking for a wet-vac out there. I found two of them. With no hoses. Pissed me off so I finally went through the place with my brother and organized my family's hoarder stash. Massive job.
Yes, I just called my aunt Smaug. What of it?
-Still having to force myself from e-mailing/texting my friend I "broke up" with. My timing is always impeccable and the person I would discuss all of the above with is the person I can't/shouldn't talk with. Plus, I only am in steady communication with only two of my friends right now so that makes things even better. I'm a winner like that.
They are no amused by my whining or my sarcasm.
I appreciate my one friend who reads this (one of the aforementioned "two") and all the random Latvians and Russians who stumble onto my page but it's not the same.* I miss her although it was the right call to make, hopefully.
So, that's a quick rundown of some of what's been up with me recently. Not happy about it all but I've gotten some good advice recently...
As I've gotten older, I've learned to want more stuff. I used to not care about stuff and I still don't think about it as much as other people I know. I've been told I live a spartan lifestyle and I embrace it, both by choice and circumstance. But, I also like cool stuff* and things that "speak to me", as cliche as that sounds.
I've also have had a vision of myself in the near future (5-10 years from now currently) running in my head at various times since about 2006. I think people do this a lot, specifically when you imagine a lottery win or something. Elements vary but for the last few months the vision has sorta solidified in my head.
The following is a list of my daydream/hope to make real life stuff I want-
#small house near a beach (I need water and I hear Southern Cali calling)
#art on walls (This is a throwback list)
#nice, small backyard with covered deck, something I can work on
#shed for tools necessary to work on stuff, also maybe a cool hidden spy wall
#writing room with illustrated wall, corkboard, whiteboard
#jeep wrangler or similar (reminds me, I NEED to get a new license)
#comfy clothes
#nice bank account (I don't need to ball out of control but check to check is wack sauce)
#books written, done and working on new projects
#comfy couch
#cool bedroom
#nice extra bedroom
#punching bag and weights
#baseball caps that look good on me
Stuff in my pocket of jeans below the faded Superman t-shirt I'm wearing
#slim wallet
#keys to something just for me
#decent, sturdy phone (maybe a G'Zone)
#multitool with knife
#headphones
#gum
#watch (I need to start wearing watches)
#dog tags
#rubberbands
#pen
#paper
#lighter
That's it for right now. This list will change but this is pretty close to the image in my head right now of Future Sean.
*Just a heads up, if you want to see this kinda represented in visual form because I don't feel like cutting and pasting images right now go to http://pinterest.com/kalthrace/boards/ and check out my interests. This stuff is mostly inspired or inspires the board called Cool Stuff.
*that title makes no sense and really doesn't even relate to this post but whatever, I haven't slept yet It's early and I'm usually up around this time since I walk my mom to the bus pretty much daily. I should be going back to sleep or trying to get some since I have work today and sleep is just good for you. I had planned on sleeping but thinking about a current situation made me get up and I wasn't able to get back to sleep. So, here we are and I just drunk a Red Bull Blue Edition which has no effect on me except making me want to pee but I enjoy the taste so let's see what I can get down before my body knocks me out. It may be more rambling than usual so I apologize in advance. This is pretty stream of consciousness right now.
Meek Mill's yelling will have to do the job these won't.
I've been thinking about a lot of my relationships recently, including the one that made me leave the comfort of my bed. I've also been on a personal hiatus from dealing with people. This is a result of a few factors- needing a human break, figuring out how much effort others would put into our relationship when I stopped doing most of the heavy lifting*, recommitting myself to my New Year's goal of being more selfish and generally trying to get my shite together.
My New Year's goal has been going pretty piss poor. I HAVE been doing better than previous years, especially in these last 2 or 3 months but I have still been overextending myself for the people I care about and even a few who I'm "ehhhh" about. I blame it mostly on my upbringing. Although my younger years had craziness, I was raised by people who taught me to generally not be an asshole and look out for people. I've found that people I know are mostly good and it's kind of hard to break my habit of being there for others, even at my own expense.
But frak all of that! I'm going to still look out for people but I'm keeping the balance better and I come before anyone else, except my mom who is awesome.
So, selfishness is back in full motherfuckin' effect! Wait. It can't be back since it wasn't really here to begin with. I mean, selfishness is going down! (basement)
In addition to that, I have to admit something. I've been reading biographies and self-help books for awhile now. Like TWO YEARS "awhile." I think it comes from me trying to figure out me and find a solution for problems I encounter in life. I've never done this before because I've been more of a "free spirit"** and since I've been less flighty I've been trying to find my center.
Only kids and childish movie viewers like me will get this.
I've been looking for words of wisdom, good advice from successful people, bad advice from screw-ups,*** ideas on finding peace/"the way"/happiness. Hell, I even did a tarot reading and I REALLY don't believe in that voodoo shite. But, we all gotta pay "stupid tax" from time to time. It's why the lottery still exists.****
Anyway, I came to two conclusions from all of this motivational introspection and heavy reading-
1) There is some good universal advice. Universal truths do exist about certain things.
2) Everyone finds their own way to happiness.
The first conclusion has helped me adjust some things in how approach people and situations. I have even started to compile the wisdom most helpful to me in a little leather book to get me through. It's my bible for remaining calm and finding the proper path for me.
No, really. I really did do this. Ask to see it if you see me.
The second conclusion is even more important. We all have different goals and have to get there in our own ways. And I know what you are thinking because I thought it as soon as I typed that sentence- "Duh. No shit, Sherlock." The thing is I know this and you know this but during those dark moments when we doubt ourselves or those horrible instances where we are envious of someone else's success/contentment, we often forget that simple fact. We can't live others' lives, we wouldn't want to if we knew what bullshit they had to deal with in their heads and very rarely is someone else's idea of happiness the same as ours.
And with knowing and relearning both these facts you gotta sometimes make hard calls. It may be changing your focus or choosing a new path. It may be extricating yourself from a relationship or situation that's not beneficial to you. It may be reaffirming your commitment to a project/relationship/plan even when others doubt you. It may be making yourself less available to others and becoming more selfish. It may be being alone. It may be looking for a new tribe to hang with. It may be doing nothing because you are already happy on your current path.*****
Ultimately, you have to choose what's best for you and what's going to bring you your particular brand of happiness. The world turns whether you are content or not but the merry-go-round is less bumpy when you have joy in your soul.
Okay. My babbling in this post is done. I'm actually feeling better about everything and I think this post wasn't TOO terrible but I haven't reread it. Hold on.
Yeah.
Whatever. It is what it is.
Be happy, folks.
*answer-not a lot
**my pal once called me a "hippie", another called me a "man-whore." Both were valid calls, ref
***which is overlooked but is HIGHLY educational
****I'm highly pissed I loss last night's PowerBall and can't travel the world training like Bruce Wayne
*****fuck you. no, seriously, go to hell, you lucky bastard (joking...mostly)
