Before I Self-Destruct

I get restless and bored.


I wouldn't even say it happens quickly but it seems to happen a lot. This may be part of the reason why I used to just get up and hop out of town on a whim if I could afford it and sometimes even if I really couldn't afford it. I think that was one of the reasons why I couldn't keep a long relationship (or at least part of the reason). This is the reason I have a post for my other blog that still isn't done but I know pretty much what I need to write to finish the story.

I think the problem is two-fold.

One, I know what I NEED to do but instead get side-tracked by the other dozen or so ideas running through my head at the time. For example, I have like three or four shorts I want to put up on The Thracian Drive. Check that. That I NEED to put up over there. Instead, I keep slipping back into adding other elements to three big stories I'm working on. Not to mention, the whole comic book universe thing I have been working on since like 7th grade. I want to stop but working on multiple things at a time seems to be the only way for me to function and get anything done. Maybe I need Adderol or Ritalin. I don't know.

Two, instead of doing what I need to get to the image in my head of the future, I often get caught up in other activities. Some aren't bad like catching a movie, going to the pub to watch a game, reading a book, etc. I realize that everyone needs a break or else you would go insane. The problem comes when instead of staying at home and typing I find myself out getting into the usual shenanigans.
For example, about two weeks back one of my roommates and his girl were going to a pool hall. I don't play pool AT ALL and was EXTREMELY broke. He says he'll buy beer because I always look out for him. I'm still like no (although it was very, very hard to say it; I like free booze like a fat kid likes cake). He said there would be girls. I HOPPED up and put on my sneakers and was sitting in his car before he knew what happened. I moved like Wally West, folks.
What was hilarious about that exchange is I KNEW I wasn't seriously going to holler at any women. Sure, I might flirt a little but my heart is pretty much out of it(it's complicated). But my brain is still operating on old tactics and ways and instead of writing a chapter I decided to go to a smokey pool hall and have a hang over for work the next day. (I have though stayed in for the last two weeks generally and am NOT getting drunk for Halloween but still the problem remains) I only went out to try something new and because I was bored in my room. This is the same reason where I have been extra willing to get into dust-ups and SNAPPING! recently as well.

How do I stay out of dumb situations just because I am bored? I think I need to find better outlets but I still want to focus on doing what I want to do for the rest of my life- which is write. I need to find the balance. I'm hoping my trip back home next month will offer some solutions or at least give me another perspective.

Suggestions? Solutions? Comments? Tips? Know any shady doctors who'll write me a prescription?

Birthday Stuff

Gonna be 29 in a little less than a month. Never really want anything for my birthday , except liks and a drama-free night, and generally live a very spartan lifestyle but feel free to get me anything, like something off the list below. if not, no worries, I'll get it myself one day soon....

- artwork by James Jean- the dude is awesome really awesome. plus, I figure I'm kinda a grown-up so I should have art of some kind. his Taciturn series is great.

- BSG Posters- pretty cheap and I'm a HUGE BSG nerd. Plus, it's just a classic look. January 16, 2009- I'm just counting down the days. or this. or this. or even this or this. told u I'm a nerd about it.

- luchadore skully- CANNOT even find this anywhere but I want it because it rocks. hell. if you can find it, just send me the link and I'll get it myself.

- half the stuff on this page. if I could, I would wear just t-shirts, hoodies, jeans, sweats and cargo pants. that's one of my life goals- to dress as comfortable as possible.

and yeah, that's about it. Told you I'm simple. I'll take anything though and just appreciate it because it came from the heart. Thanx and feel free to ignore this. Or pay my rent. I mean feel free to do what you want to do. It's cool with me.

BTW- Christmas is coming too. Just saying.

Maybe I'm Silver Creek, Nebraska

People often use metaphors and descriptions of other things to describe themselves and others. Or at least I do. I compare people to cars, animals, time periods, etc. I've recently come across something else to compare people to. Places.

If I'm a place then I'm probably currently Silver Creek, Nebraska.

Let me explain.

I believe everyone has it in them to be a big city. At times I have been New York City (word) and I'm sure whoever reading this has been L.A. or Tokyo or Paris at one time in their lives. Maybe it was at a really good party, or while out of town or maybe you were a lucky one and have been one of these sprawling metropolises for months on end. This is all to say that at many periods in our lives we have been the place where everyone wants to go, the person everyone wants to see, the place where everything is happening and the person who is living it up with the good and bad of reality.

I imagine fine wine and fancy cheese parties.

I'm not any of these big cities right now. Yes, I do go out on the odd weekend night and can get an old glimmer of the old New York charm. Not to sound (too) cocky but I can still attract groups people to me like moths to a flame if I put up my old effort. I just don't really want to as much as I used to.

I want to be a small town. The kind of place you fly over if you are just looking for that wild time in that big city. I want to be a place you drive through or stop to catch a quick break. I used to fight it but sometimes being a small town isn't bad. People come in and learn something new they didn't know before. They discover something about themselves they never knew in these places. They might even hook up with a random hot diner waitress in this town. (it happens)

The good thing about these small towns is that not too much bullshit remains for long. Sure, they might greet you nicely but it's fleeting and not more is expected than that.

There are, of course, those times when you break down and become stuck in these little hamlets but you eventually decide if you want to stay or to go. If you truly want to stay, its because you have found something quaint and comfortable about this place. It has grown on you and just fits your lifestyle perfectly. See, that's the thing about small towns (at least in my mind) they are either good for you or not at all what you want and you figure it out quickly. If it is wrong for you, you move on learning something or reaffirming what you already knew. If it is a good fit, guess what? You have become one of those good solid people who are content with life and their position.

And who knows? You might turn that small town into a nice big city where people want to visit. I mean even Las Vegas started out as some sand in the middle of nowhere.
Just saying.

Bears, Beets, Battlestar Galactica

I haven't watched television in about three months.

Okay, that's a lil bit of a lie. I've seen the odd half hour of programming here and there and when I visited the Midwest I watch some TV. I saw a few episodes of True Life, the Democratic Convention and a Cubs game but I have generally not see TV in a minute. I haven't even been keeping up on my online viewing using Hulu.

I'm not saying this to brag either. I'm not one of those people who thinks watching TV lowers your intelligence or doesn't have a TV in their house because they are better than that. Fuck that shite. I really like good TV like 30 Rock, The Wire and The Office and some of our best entertainment content can be found on the small screen.

No, I stopped watching TV because my roommate moved his television to his bedroom and I was too lazy to find a new TV right now. So, I have gotten used to not watching television.

Has it made me more productive? Not really. Instead of spending my new free time writing more (which I have increased a little) I've made up for my lack in television viewing by reading more books, watching DVDS and returning to my foolish ways a la this character from my favorite TV show.

Sweet, sweet Starbuck and one of our shared bad habits....

I'm going to continue this non-TV viewing experiment and actively try to cut back on my other distractions to see how productive I can be. I mean I HAVE done more work than usual but I have also been out enjoying life more (read- drinking in lounges with wimmen-folk). I have to cut back on the latter and increase the former.

Hello, ladies.


I'll never say that viewing television is a hindrance and wrong and killing brain cells(wow, I just spelled brain like brian; maybe I'm totally wrong about all this;hmmm.....) and I do miss The Office and Psych. I will give this no TV thing a little more time though and actively try to utilize my new spare time in the best possible way.

....

At least until the new final season of BSG starts. Frak that. Gotta see how it ends, son. I mean they DID finally get to Earth. C'mon.


Just don't kill Helo and keep Starbuck crazy and we are cool.