something just to fill space and pass the time...have something new tomorrow.
A. Attached or single? Single. Mostly. Kinda. Ok, let's just say it gets complicated at times.
B. Best friend? E, Al n Mess.
C. Cake or pie? Cake. Fuck pie. Chocolate preferably.
D. Day of choice? Friday. Most would pick Saturday but since I work pretty much everyday Friday is the most relaxing.
E. Essential item? Dogtag.
F. Favorite color? Blue.
G. Gummy bears or worms? Worms are superior to bears. More gumminess for your buck.
H. Hometown? New York City and more particularly Far Rockaway, Queens. Don't sleep, son.
I. Favorite indulgence? Watching DVDs in a quiet bedroom.
J. January or July? I guess January. Less work, new start and none of that make me wanna murder heat.
K. Kids? I don't have any. I think.
L. Life isn’t complete without? My friends and some of my family.
M. Marriage date? None currently.
N. Number of brothers and sisters? Whew. Okay. 2 older brothers. 2 older sisters. 2 younger brothers. That's all. I think.
O. Oranges or Apples? Apples. Oranges are only good for juice.
P. Phobias? Dogs (but only a little bit now). Failure. Destitution.
Q. Quote? We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.- Oscar Wilde
R. Reasons to smile? I'm probably not at work right now.
S. Season of choice? Fall (or Autumn, if you wanna get fancy). I like hoodies.
T. Tag 5 people: Nope. If you wanna do this, then just do it.
U. Unknown fact about me? I really think you guys know everything I'm willing to share. Okay, I have the amazing talent of passing up booty for months. It's not as easy as it sounds. Trust me.
V. Vegetable? Cucumber. Is that a vegetable or a fruit? Think its a vegetable.
W. Worst habit? Procrastination.
X. X-ray or Ultrasound? Alright....X-Ray, I guess. Like the images. Makes me feel like Superman.
Y. Your favorite food? Anything burger related. Or salmon.
Z. Zodiac sign? Sagittarius and read into that whatever you want.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Money Vs. Happiness
Had a chat with a friend about her dealings with dudes. She has the issue of a lot of guys after her who make a good amount of cash but are not the best people. I told her I would rather be happy and broke then rich and miserable.
I thought about that statement yesterday and realized it was sort of BULLSHIT. Sure, my ultimate goal in life is to essentially be a happy individual but thinking about it I don't think that is possible as a broke person. Being broke is bearable but it isn't a happy existence. I can be broke and be happy for moments or a few days but ultimately reality kicks in and its usually a nut shot.
I've had a job in NYC that paid well but I half-hated it. Okay, I hated it about 75% of the time and moreso right before I quit. I have a job that keeps me above water and I love it 90% of the time. Which situation would I rather be in? Well, excluding outside factors (location, relationships, etc.), although the NYC job drove me a little crazy, at the end of the week I could go out and drink with my boy or hop on a plane and get out of town. With this job now, I'm generally happy at work but I'm not able to roll out like I use to and, although your relationships with people are supposed to be independent of your wealth, the situations for fun doesn't present itself when you can't go to see the folks you want or you can't afford that next round. This especially sucks when you are the "broke guy" in the group. Yeah, your friends don't mind too much hooking you up with a drink, especially if you would hit them off if you had it but a lot of the time you feel like a bum about it. (Or at least I do. Pride has kept me in on more than one occasion, unfortunately. But I hate feeling like the anchor bringing down the night, even if I'm really not)
So, which is better- money and miserableness or broke and contentment?
I say neither. I want money to spend/saved up and a truly happy life not one where I'm just okay, barely. But if these are my two choices, the romantic in me is going to go with being broke but the realist in me (who really needs to keep a foot in my arse nowadays) says to get that paper and if the scenario sucks, take some of that green and do something you enjoy with people you like.
I thought about that statement yesterday and realized it was sort of BULLSHIT. Sure, my ultimate goal in life is to essentially be a happy individual but thinking about it I don't think that is possible as a broke person. Being broke is bearable but it isn't a happy existence. I can be broke and be happy for moments or a few days but ultimately reality kicks in and its usually a nut shot.
I've had a job in NYC that paid well but I half-hated it. Okay, I hated it about 75% of the time and moreso right before I quit. I have a job that keeps me above water and I love it 90% of the time. Which situation would I rather be in? Well, excluding outside factors (location, relationships, etc.), although the NYC job drove me a little crazy, at the end of the week I could go out and drink with my boy or hop on a plane and get out of town. With this job now, I'm generally happy at work but I'm not able to roll out like I use to and, although your relationships with people are supposed to be independent of your wealth, the situations for fun doesn't present itself when you can't go to see the folks you want or you can't afford that next round. This especially sucks when you are the "broke guy" in the group. Yeah, your friends don't mind too much hooking you up with a drink, especially if you would hit them off if you had it but a lot of the time you feel like a bum about it. (Or at least I do. Pride has kept me in on more than one occasion, unfortunately. But I hate feeling like the anchor bringing down the night, even if I'm really not)
So, which is better- money and miserableness or broke and contentment?
I say neither. I want money to spend/saved up and a truly happy life not one where I'm just okay, barely. But if these are my two choices, the romantic in me is going to go with being broke but the realist in me (who really needs to keep a foot in my arse nowadays) says to get that paper and if the scenario sucks, take some of that green and do something you enjoy with people you like.
Massive Fail- Not Me, Please
I was out of town about a week or so ago and spent some time with a friend at her mother's house. While there I met this guy. He was going through a time of it and was struggling at this point to get his life straight or at least he should have been. This guy was in his forties, unemployed, living with people out of the kindness of their hearts and on top of all that has a pre-teen kid. He had just went through about the roughest couple of months I had heard of in a minute. I initially felt bad for this dude. Initially.
As I talked to him more, I began to realize a majority of his problems were self created. He was/is a womanizer with little respect for the opposite gender. He gets into situations without plans on how to get out of them. He does nothing for himself as far as living his own life.
Not a good look. Not me.
As I was driving from what seemed to be a scene written out of a bad episode of Maury or Jerry, I was talking to my friend about my own plans (alright, she was grilling me as usual). My plans as always are an outline and she said that if I didn't get them to be more concrete that it was a slippery slope to beeing this guy. That hurt and I confronted her about it and she apologized and she said she knew I wasn't going to be him. But the fact that she even said it and my own talks with him gave me pause. Me and this dude had some similarities.
Bad in relationships? Check.
Leaping without looking? Check.
College drop-out? Check.
My saving grace is that I don't have any kids, I'm not a tool like him and although I procrastinate I will do what is best for me and I'm willing to work for it. My best friend assured me I was right and that I didn't have to worry about being him. Ever. He was a victim not because he was REALLY a victim but it was the path of least resistance to declare that the world was responsible for his station and life and he didn't have to take responsibility for it. I've always been the complete opposite and believed that 98% of the situations I get into are a direct result of my own choices.
But it did make me reflect on something. I've always been gifted and I used to try hard when I was really young and even in high school, although lazy, I still had success in my eyes. Even when I wasn't trying, shite worked out for me. My friend used to joke I was rolling down the hill of life and when I got to the bottom I would stand up and shake off all the gold and assorted riches that I just happened to accumulate along the way (I just thought it was my Spidey-Sense on overdrive helping me get out of jams). But even with this, I don't know, karma looking out for me I still had in me a feeling that I would come out on top by my own merits. This spark drove me.
I'm looking at this guy and thinking where did that spark go in him and ultimately, me?
I like to think of myself as almost as smart or as smart as my friends. I think I have the same capabilities as many of them. I think I'm as creative as the really artistic one. The question that bugs me is am I missing that key component that makes them successful or gives them the drive to not just let life sweep them along? What is it that makes people push forward and why am I lacking it? I have a million (okay, a few hundred) story ideas but I can hardly finish one of them. Why do I crap out on things? I know some of it stems from how I used to approach things in school. Things were easy for me so I would get bored and try to move onto something else. Or if it was going to be a huge effort I just shut down- not that I couldn't do it but maybe because I was afraid of succeeding at it.
I don't know. I may just be babbling at this point but I think I'm just in the process of finding that...thing to make me push and do what I want and be successful at it. Something to stop me from being that guy in the back of a car living off the kindness of strangers.
As I talked to him more, I began to realize a majority of his problems were self created. He was/is a womanizer with little respect for the opposite gender. He gets into situations without plans on how to get out of them. He does nothing for himself as far as living his own life.
Not a good look. Not me.
As I was driving from what seemed to be a scene written out of a bad episode of Maury or Jerry, I was talking to my friend about my own plans (alright, she was grilling me as usual). My plans as always are an outline and she said that if I didn't get them to be more concrete that it was a slippery slope to beeing this guy. That hurt and I confronted her about it and she apologized and she said she knew I wasn't going to be him. But the fact that she even said it and my own talks with him gave me pause. Me and this dude had some similarities.
Bad in relationships? Check.
Leaping without looking? Check.
College drop-out? Check.
My saving grace is that I don't have any kids, I'm not a tool like him and although I procrastinate I will do what is best for me and I'm willing to work for it. My best friend assured me I was right and that I didn't have to worry about being him. Ever. He was a victim not because he was REALLY a victim but it was the path of least resistance to declare that the world was responsible for his station and life and he didn't have to take responsibility for it. I've always been the complete opposite and believed that 98% of the situations I get into are a direct result of my own choices.
But it did make me reflect on something. I've always been gifted and I used to try hard when I was really young and even in high school, although lazy, I still had success in my eyes. Even when I wasn't trying, shite worked out for me. My friend used to joke I was rolling down the hill of life and when I got to the bottom I would stand up and shake off all the gold and assorted riches that I just happened to accumulate along the way (I just thought it was my Spidey-Sense on overdrive helping me get out of jams). But even with this, I don't know, karma looking out for me I still had in me a feeling that I would come out on top by my own merits. This spark drove me.
I'm looking at this guy and thinking where did that spark go in him and ultimately, me?
I like to think of myself as almost as smart or as smart as my friends. I think I have the same capabilities as many of them. I think I'm as creative as the really artistic one. The question that bugs me is am I missing that key component that makes them successful or gives them the drive to not just let life sweep them along? What is it that makes people push forward and why am I lacking it? I have a million (okay, a few hundred) story ideas but I can hardly finish one of them. Why do I crap out on things? I know some of it stems from how I used to approach things in school. Things were easy for me so I would get bored and try to move onto something else. Or if it was going to be a huge effort I just shut down- not that I couldn't do it but maybe because I was afraid of succeeding at it.
I don't know. I may just be babbling at this point but I think I'm just in the process of finding that...thing to make me push and do what I want and be successful at it. Something to stop me from being that guy in the back of a car living off the kindness of strangers.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Fight or Flight
I would like to think of myself as a generally level-headed, easygoing guy. I try to mind my business as much as possible and not get involved in the affairs of others if I can. While this is certainly laudable (or I think it should be), my decision to not always speak up at every little thing is sometimes taken as me having a huge flight reaction.
On the other hand, when someone says something about my friends, or someone I'm just with or if I'm somewhat tipsy, my instant response is "I'm gonna break your face." This reaction has grown recently in my past few years and has been the side that my roommates have been exposed to so much to the point that I heard one of them commenting that he should invite a guy over and have me hurt him. Mind you I was in my room at 3 AM at this point and probably asleep in his head.
My problem is this- how do I balance my nice side which I like and I think the people who like me like a lot with the tune up the world side I try to keep under wraps?
I think a lot of time people seem to mistake my being quiet or kind or glossing over things for weakness. It's not. It stems from a fear of SNAPPING! I come from a family of SNAPPERS! From the oldest to the youngest. Just a question of degree. Someone shove you? SNAP! Someone was talking about you? SNAP! Who owes me money? SNAP! Any and everything was a pathway to an altercation, whether verbal or physical. A great deal of my childhood was just tests of toughness and not backing down. I failed a lot of these test because I was more concerned with getting through the day and not getting hurt. I didn't feel the need to prove myself in this regard as much as the others around me. My realm was books and being smart. (my younger self is the polar opposite of my later self) I was also scared since I kept a lot of emotions bottled up most of the time that my SNAPPING! would be so much worse and I wouldn't be able to stop myself.
This is not to say that I didn't have my SNAP! moments or points. Two that stick with me to this day is someone threatening my siblings and saying something about my mother. There are no solutions but SNAPPING! for me in those moments.
But as I have grown older I have noticed that although we are supposed to be a civilized society, a great many people only seem to respect or acknowledge physicality and violence. Just look at the rise in popularity of mixed martial arts (and yes there is discipline, training and honor in that but NO ONE would watch unless someone was getting punched in the face). And for all that shite about wanting a nice guy and someone caring, most people are going to go for that guy who can or appears that they can protect them in some way.
I get highly irritated when people doubt me or what I'm capable of in this regards. True, I'm not going to be the next UFC champ and I can't press 400 lbs. but I can guarantee I will walk through the worst neighborhoods and make it out with little trouble. Do not let the glasses fool you. When it comes down to it and its me or you losing, its going to be YOU. Every. Time.
So, where do I find this balance? How do I prove that I will fight without having to hit everyone from here to my house that accidentally jostles me? Or better yet, why do I have to prove myself to the world? The sad thing is I know I do and so do you.
Some of us are fighters and some of us aren't. Some of us talk shit and some of us don't. How can I live in balance?
On the other hand, when someone says something about my friends, or someone I'm just with or if I'm somewhat tipsy, my instant response is "I'm gonna break your face." This reaction has grown recently in my past few years and has been the side that my roommates have been exposed to so much to the point that I heard one of them commenting that he should invite a guy over and have me hurt him. Mind you I was in my room at 3 AM at this point and probably asleep in his head.
My problem is this- how do I balance my nice side which I like and I think the people who like me like a lot with the tune up the world side I try to keep under wraps?
I think a lot of time people seem to mistake my being quiet or kind or glossing over things for weakness. It's not. It stems from a fear of SNAPPING! I come from a family of SNAPPERS! From the oldest to the youngest. Just a question of degree. Someone shove you? SNAP! Someone was talking about you? SNAP! Who owes me money? SNAP! Any and everything was a pathway to an altercation, whether verbal or physical. A great deal of my childhood was just tests of toughness and not backing down. I failed a lot of these test because I was more concerned with getting through the day and not getting hurt. I didn't feel the need to prove myself in this regard as much as the others around me. My realm was books and being smart. (my younger self is the polar opposite of my later self) I was also scared since I kept a lot of emotions bottled up most of the time that my SNAPPING! would be so much worse and I wouldn't be able to stop myself.
This is not to say that I didn't have my SNAP! moments or points. Two that stick with me to this day is someone threatening my siblings and saying something about my mother. There are no solutions but SNAPPING! for me in those moments.
But as I have grown older I have noticed that although we are supposed to be a civilized society, a great many people only seem to respect or acknowledge physicality and violence. Just look at the rise in popularity of mixed martial arts (and yes there is discipline, training and honor in that but NO ONE would watch unless someone was getting punched in the face). And for all that shite about wanting a nice guy and someone caring, most people are going to go for that guy who can or appears that they can protect them in some way.
I get highly irritated when people doubt me or what I'm capable of in this regards. True, I'm not going to be the next UFC champ and I can't press 400 lbs. but I can guarantee I will walk through the worst neighborhoods and make it out with little trouble. Do not let the glasses fool you. When it comes down to it and its me or you losing, its going to be YOU. Every. Time.
So, where do I find this balance? How do I prove that I will fight without having to hit everyone from here to my house that accidentally jostles me? Or better yet, why do I have to prove myself to the world? The sad thing is I know I do and so do you.
Some of us are fighters and some of us aren't. Some of us talk shit and some of us don't. How can I live in balance?
Friday, September 5, 2008
My Greatest Fear
I once heard that every piece of western literature and, to a lesser extent, all literature is about the son killing/replacing his father.The idea is that we cannot become complete people until we have usurped the place of our parents and forebears. The usual goal is to become better people than them and to learn from their mistakes. Unfortunately, the case becomes that we become exactly like them or sometimes even worse than they were. This leads me to my greatest fear...
I fear that I will one day become my father.
I will preface this post with this- my father is not an evil Vader like figure and at the end of the day is probably a really good buddy to play a quick pick-up game with or go on a fishing trip with. (I wouldn't be joining you but I think you guys would have a good time) I also want to say that he has some attributes that I like to embrace. For example, he is a good artist, highly creative, charming, witty, intelligent, confident and self-taught. And I don't hate the man. Hate is a strong word deserved for very special individuals and I don't think there will ever come a day where I say I hate my father. Disappointed and sometimes dislike? Yes. Hate? No.
My fear is this- that I will ultimately embrace his darker sides. He is a recovering addict, has multiple kids, does not keep up communications with said kids, always has "financial issues" to the point where I stopped asking for anything from him over a decade ago and is generally not someone to be in a relationship with. (this last one seems to have changed since he has been married for maybe a decade now)
I used to say all the time how I would never get married or have children. My reasoning for this was because I thought I would never find anyone I truly loved and the world was/is a screwed up place to bring a child into. Now, that I look back on it, it stems from watching this man. I fear that I would have kids that wouldn't be able to depend on me at all times and that I would screw up any relationship I chose to enter like he did. I have gotten over some of this fear but it still resides in the back of my head scratching at my brain like a rat.
Perfect example of the relationship or lack thereof I share with my father. Had a long talk with my friend and it made me think I should take a weekend to address some people I should apologize to and to be a bigger person and extend my hand to my father. I had, at the time, only called him if there was an issue with my brother or if my siblings needed me to ask him something/wanted to see him. His favorite line to me has been since high school "The phone works both ways." (familiar to a few of you, I know) My problem with this statement was 1) how come it only seemed to work from my house and 2) you have my number because it was yours for years so why should I as the child be the one to step up? But I looked pass all of this and made a phone call. It was a civil enough if generic conversation. The same question about my relatives and his old friends, i.e. a phone convo that was the exact same as the convos I had when I went to his house. Anyway, we talked and when it was all said and done he said he would call me back. I said I wasn't sure if I would have the same number but I would call him if it changed(it didn't).
Flash-forward to the end of October. He comes to Las Vegas on vacation with his wife for the weekend and doesn't even call. Mind you my number hasn't changed, he talked to my brother the prior week so he could have gotten it from there and the only reason I knew he was in town at all was because my brother mentioned it during my weekly conversation with my mother. Yeah. I was not happy about this but I chalked it up to just how that guy was.
But it made me reflect on my own actions. I quickly scrolled through my head and thought if I had behaved similar with people. There was one incident but I apologized immediately afterwards and, more importantly, my friend is not my son. It was just another incident involving me and my father that had made me recommit to not living my worst fear- becoming him.
I could go on with a few more stories but this post isn't to demonize the man just to state some issues I have with his behavior towards me or involving me tangentially.
My sister once told me that my father is a great friend but is lacking in the dad department. I have come to agree with her (but I'm currently not too interested in discovering if the friend part of that statement is true). My goal is to become a better man by not making the same mistakes he did.
I fear that I will one day become my father.
I will preface this post with this- my father is not an evil Vader like figure and at the end of the day is probably a really good buddy to play a quick pick-up game with or go on a fishing trip with. (I wouldn't be joining you but I think you guys would have a good time) I also want to say that he has some attributes that I like to embrace. For example, he is a good artist, highly creative, charming, witty, intelligent, confident and self-taught. And I don't hate the man. Hate is a strong word deserved for very special individuals and I don't think there will ever come a day where I say I hate my father. Disappointed and sometimes dislike? Yes. Hate? No.
My fear is this- that I will ultimately embrace his darker sides. He is a recovering addict, has multiple kids, does not keep up communications with said kids, always has "financial issues" to the point where I stopped asking for anything from him over a decade ago and is generally not someone to be in a relationship with. (this last one seems to have changed since he has been married for maybe a decade now)
I used to say all the time how I would never get married or have children. My reasoning for this was because I thought I would never find anyone I truly loved and the world was/is a screwed up place to bring a child into. Now, that I look back on it, it stems from watching this man. I fear that I would have kids that wouldn't be able to depend on me at all times and that I would screw up any relationship I chose to enter like he did. I have gotten over some of this fear but it still resides in the back of my head scratching at my brain like a rat.
Perfect example of the relationship or lack thereof I share with my father. Had a long talk with my friend and it made me think I should take a weekend to address some people I should apologize to and to be a bigger person and extend my hand to my father. I had, at the time, only called him if there was an issue with my brother or if my siblings needed me to ask him something/wanted to see him. His favorite line to me has been since high school "The phone works both ways." (familiar to a few of you, I know) My problem with this statement was 1) how come it only seemed to work from my house and 2) you have my number because it was yours for years so why should I as the child be the one to step up? But I looked pass all of this and made a phone call. It was a civil enough if generic conversation. The same question about my relatives and his old friends, i.e. a phone convo that was the exact same as the convos I had when I went to his house. Anyway, we talked and when it was all said and done he said he would call me back. I said I wasn't sure if I would have the same number but I would call him if it changed(it didn't).
Flash-forward to the end of October. He comes to Las Vegas on vacation with his wife for the weekend and doesn't even call. Mind you my number hasn't changed, he talked to my brother the prior week so he could have gotten it from there and the only reason I knew he was in town at all was because my brother mentioned it during my weekly conversation with my mother. Yeah. I was not happy about this but I chalked it up to just how that guy was.
But it made me reflect on my own actions. I quickly scrolled through my head and thought if I had behaved similar with people. There was one incident but I apologized immediately afterwards and, more importantly, my friend is not my son. It was just another incident involving me and my father that had made me recommit to not living my worst fear- becoming him.
I could go on with a few more stories but this post isn't to demonize the man just to state some issues I have with his behavior towards me or involving me tangentially.
My sister once told me that my father is a great friend but is lacking in the dad department. I have come to agree with her (but I'm currently not too interested in discovering if the friend part of that statement is true). My goal is to become a better man by not making the same mistakes he did.
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