Trying

I think I'm going to commit myself to writing something on this blog daily. I'm going to post my other random stuff and blogs I already have been working on but I think I'm going to steer this thing a little bit back to the original idea I had for this thing- helping me work through stuff by putting it down and getting it out of my head. I have a lot of emotions and ideas flitting through my head throughout the day and weird encounters sometimes when I leave my house. I usually write them down or keep it in my brain with the plan of writing them out but somehow I get sidelined with life and it doesn't get done.

So, now, I'm going to commit myself to take an hour and write something here. It'll be like journalling but in the open and less soft sounding. I gotta come up with a different name besides blogging or journalling? Scribblin'? Jottin'? I'll figure it out. Maybe something relating to stream of conscious because this will probably end up being similar to that. Regardless it should prove helpful to me and work into my plan to get my life back on a more concrete schedule of doing things, outside of having a crazy and at sometimes non-existent sleep schedule. Been slipping for awhile in many aspects of "living swell" but that's for another blog entry later this week.

Today is about me and my undercurrent of misanthropy.

Hate, hate, hate!

I'm what most people would consider an easygoing and agreeable soul. I try to be empathetic to others and generally stray from extremes in arguments.* I like to hear both sides of a story and care about how people are feeling. When I say that, I don't mean I care about how people feel about me (outside of friends and family) but I mostly want everyone to feel at ease and comfortable around me. Happy people make me happy. Sad and hurt people make me upset.

Have you ever heard of the Tzadikim Nistarim? Well, to keep it shorter than this, It's this esoteric Judaic/Kabbalistic belief that there are at any given time 36 righteous people on this planet that keep the rest of us alive by being saintly or caring about others and protecting them even without being a public figure or getting credit. If one dies, they would have to be replace or the world would come to an end. That's some heavy shit right there, b.

36. We need 'em.

Now, I'm not saying I'm one of these enlightened figures. Not even close and I doubt I would crack the top billion of people who REALLY care about others but I definitely get those moments when I feel like the whole world needs help and I need to do something about it. Or on a smaller scale I need to protect and watch out for the people in my immediate circle, be that figurative or literal.

With all that said I also CANNOT STAND PEOPLE sometimes. I know, I know. "Everyone feels like that, guy. It's human nature." And usually, I understand exactly where my annoyance level with folks come from. I clearly see the actions they have taken to get me to that point. For example, I walk my mother to catch the bus to work every morning pretty much at 4 AM which is an ungodly hour. I sleep for about 45 minutes before I have to do this nightly and I'm already not a morning person. The bus she has to catch is always a couple of minutes late which makes no sense since I live right at the first stop. So, my mother tells me today that she got on the bus yesterday, which was late, and not 3 seconds on the bus the driver says "You can't say good morning?"

REALLY? FUCKIN' REALLY?

The only thing stopping me from getting on the bus this morning and BARKIN' at this jackassery was my mother. I was already irritable for being up and you are coming with the slick talk? I should put my paws on you. Maybe push you through your windshield, partna.

Puny bus driver.

Now, my reaction to that, though extreme, can easily be traced back to a source- early morning and clown shoes behavior by some old bus driver. Pretty much within the boundaries of normal human thinking, I think.

My issue that I have is that I get extreme with it or it comes from a weird place that it shouldn't.

Yesterday I'm at the laundry washing my clothes. I arrive there in a decent mood and I usually don't have problems there. The machines aren't always up to snuff but the ladies there are pretty nice and look out if the problem is on their end. It's crowded and there is a woman complaining about how her machine isn't drying her clothes correctly. She gets in it a bit with one of the ladies there who handles the situation in a calm manner. For some reason, I get pissed for her.

I have this weird thing where people feel the freedom to talk to me randomly about bullshit or complain. I see this lady coming back around to where the washers are still complaining to I assume her family and another random lady or two who give her the head nod of agreement. At this point my annoyance has transformed into the "I wish she would" desire in my head.** I already plan to shit on her problems with her wet clothes and bring up larger current events LOUDLY so she feels bad for being a dick. I guess she could tell what I had tumbling in my mind because she walked right pass after looking at my face.

Castle forgot his fabric softener. This will end badly.

Or maybe she could tell my secondary thought which was "I wish some large ravenous wolves came in here and ate your whole face off while I laughed like a Sean the Barbarian the entire time." Yeah. It was probably that.

See? That's my thing. I LOVE humanity but I HATE people. I want to see the best for us as a whole species but I get these moments where I want entire swaths of people to be mowed down by some vengeful force, usually me when I imagine it. I want to save us all but a lot of the time I'm like "Naw. They ain't worth it."

Maybe I'm not really a nice guy and IT IS about me wanting people to like and accept me. Maybe the caring and doing the extra step and worrying is a facade to cover monster inside. Maybe I'm the bad guy.

ARRRGGHHH!!!

Naw. People are just irritating jerks sometimes. I just gotta not do what's in my mind and find a way to express my negative emotions in a healthy way.

* This doesn't apply to being a racist, sexist, ignorant of scientific fact, etc. Obviously.
** This happens a lot. It might be a more of a "black person" thing and would go a long way in explaining our blood pressure issues. That and a history of oppression and cultivating bad habits.

You Can Spell It With A Y All Day...

I normally try to not comment or even concern myself with the discussions of race. For one, I think my opinions on the matter are pretty self-evident in that I'm for the freedom and liberty of all people and I sometimes mess up but I would like to believe that even when I do make these errors in actions/speech, I'm a decent enough human being to apologize and correct myself. Secondly, as a black man in this country who happened to spend time in the South for family visits and went to predominantly white schools from around the age of 12, I've encountered my fair share of overt racism and it's gets exhausting dealing with it or trying to explain the reason something can be offensive. I know that my very existence can be viewed as a political stance but, seriously, it's 2013 and I've been on this planet for 30+ years and I'm tired of speaking on it.

There is so much going on with issues of race/sex/class/power constantly that sometimes I'm like "Someone else is going to talk on this and I'm not going to say anything new and I'm preaching to the choir anyway." I just shut up and concern myself with geeky issues instead.* It usually serves me well in keeping me sane.

Plus, it's kinda smarmy to just comment on stuff when I know for a fact I'm not going to put on pants and take to the streets about something.

I'm really not taking back my city today. I'm gonna clear my DVR instead.

I don't want to give up. I don't want to not fight for equality and justice and education in basic levels of respect but sometimes people irritate me to the point where I want to grab my ball and go home.

Then, there are times where I get so irritated that I have to at least comment.

Such is the case with this bullshite response to this article.

Now, I'm not here to argue what Santa or Jesus looked like (I'm like Kanye in that way). I frankly don't give a shite and that's up to you. You can use facts or whatever you want these guys to look like to motivate your opinions. I can care less if you think either of these figures were real or not too. That's on you and you have the right to believe anything you want to believe in regards to that or how you choose to portray these two figures in your church or house. Whatever. 

My issue is with this line- 
"Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn't mean it has to change."- Megyn Kelly

What?

Jon Stewart probably described that best last night with "I think that's the official slogan of oppression."  I think that's it's also the slogan for the opposite of progress.

Things change. That's the nature of the universe. It's universal law. And, most of the time, it's for the betterment of mankind.  Very rarely do you find people fighting to keep things the same or "traditional" to end up on the correct side of history.

Jackasses, all.

And before you say it, I don't believe Megyn Kelly is as bad as the above asshattery. I've actually agreed with her before. Once. She is also on an inflammatory network that, for all that jazz about "fair and balanced", is really just an outlet to speak in a highly conservative slant. I also don't believe that she is an out and out racist. She may in fact be a racist but I don't get that feel from her and would need a definitive statement to say she is. Racist undertone to her comment? Yes. Intentionally racist? Ehh...

I DO think she is suffering from the same strain of disease that a lot of people with privilege and power suffer from and I'm not talking about affluenza. It's ignorance of how things are, why they are the way they are and a lack of empathy for others.

They have this belief that everyone is like them and thinks like them. This is pretty common in all or most members of humanity. The problem with their thinking like this is that they have privilege gained from power from their ancestors in past years that directs how the world actually works. This is why the standards of beauty and the way we think about things are the way they are. The white male viewpoint is the unfortunate default setting and any thinking outside of this causes an uproar and a feeling of "I'm being attacked" or "we're losing" in this group.** Any changes to how they conceive the world should be is answered with an immediate argument and being aghast that you would even suggest something so outlandish.

"Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn't mean it has to change."- Megyn Kelly ***

The privileged thought process is simple- "It doesn't have to change if it's in support of those in power AKA me. If you complain about it, something is wrong with you and you are being an uppity minority/woman/LGBT person. Tradition is tradition because it's great, for me. You aren't a slave/live in America/have "equal opportunity"*** and if you complain and want things to be more fair, well, then you are attacking my freedom and I can't allow that because I can't lose. My ancestors have never lost and I won't give up any power to help you at the least feel decent about yourself. Stop bringing up old stuff because it's in the past and I don't want to think about it and it hasn't affected me in a truly negative way so who cares?"

I care. 

Minorities care. Women care. The oppressed care. And if you really give a damn about humanity, you SHOULD care. It's not losing when someone else wins or gets a little more freedom. We all win. And that should be our ultimate goal in everything. 

We all win and we are better humans because of it.

Stop being an arse. Be a good human.



*This industry has its own issues with race, sexual orientation and gender representation.
**Which is INSANE since white dudes haven't lost since the year 982 when Native Americans whupped up on some Vikings. White dudes are in fact the Harlem Globetrotters of history.
***'Fuck out of here...
****Bullshit.

Idiom Series Seventeen

I got nothing. Anything, Sir Rick James?

"Hate To Say It..."

C'mon, son. You LOVE the chance to say it. If you didn't, you probably wouldn't even be thinking it, much less letting those words come to your lips.

I find that people who say this generally are the same people who must have the last word in anything. They have to express their opinions and that's cool most of the time. But sometimes they become arseholes and just want to say things to irritate or prove that they are correct, even if they aren't. Victory is vital for this special brand of human.

If you really hated to say it, guess what you could have done?

That's right because this is going on in my head whenever you speak anyway.

so...

Will really update whenever I get home later today but what's going on with me?

Well...

-Dad is back in the hospital. Been there pretty much all week but I wasn't informed until 2 AM on Thursday morning. They are unsure of what exactly is wrong this time and are still running tests. He is in isolation and so I have to wear a mask and gloves when I see him.

I totally got sidelined while I searched for this by THIS. I'm simple.

This type of activity has been going on for awhile and doesn't get easier. This is particularly true because outside of his wife I'm the one that sees him and so he shares all the melancholy with me that he won't tell anyone else. It gets kinda heavy especially as his health doesn't improve; it just becomes bearable.

-Airing out my room since the plumbing in my house decided to crap out and back all the pipes up yesterday. Me and my uncle figured out what the problem was so no plumber was necessary (which was good) but since all the pipes are connected in the grand scheme of things, I had to clean some interesting stuff out my shower (which was HORRIBLE).

So my morning was just this. Fail.

-Still trying to get my personal statement perfect. You know, for someone who shares pretty freely on this thing, writing that is tougher than I expected.

-Cleaned out the shed with my brother yesterday. That came about because while I was dealing with the plumbing I was looking for a wet-vac out there. I found two of them. With no hoses. Pissed me off so I finally went through the place with my brother and organized my family's hoarder stash. Massive job.

Yes, I just called my aunt Smaug. What of it?

-Still having to force myself from e-mailing/texting my friend I "broke up" with. My timing is always impeccable and the person I would discuss all of the above with is the person I can't/shouldn't talk with. Plus, I only am in steady communication with only two of my friends right now so that makes things even better. I'm a winner like that.

They are no amused by my whining or my sarcasm.

I appreciate my one friend who reads this (one of the aforementioned "two") and all the random Latvians and Russians who stumble onto my page but it's not the same.* I miss her although it was the right call to make, hopefully.

So, that's a quick rundown of some of what's been up with me recently. Not happy about it all but I've gotten some good advice recently...

I can do this all day, sucka.

How have y'all been? I'm looking at you, Vlad in Moscow.


*But I do like saying I'm a big deal in Latvia nowadays because it makes me sound like Dr. Doom a bit.**
**"I will always be your better, Richards. You cannot hope to defeat DOOM!!!!"

Idiom Series Sixteen

Not so Sweet Sixteen. BLAM! I got my mojo back!

"Now, I'm just playing devil's advocate here but..."

Just shut the frak up! Really. You saying this doesn't take away from the fact that you are about to say some REAL offensive shite.
It's almost as bad as when someone says "Not to sound racist/sexist/homophobic." Guess what? Whatever is coming out of your mouth is sure to be racist/sexist/homophobic. I'm pretty sure I have never encountered a situation when that hasn't happened.

And, come on, does the Devil really need an advocate? He/She/It does fine all by him/her/itself. I don't think the Devil is looking for you for backup. Been working alone for millenniums; the Devil is fine.

So, if you feel this statement creeping up in your throat, shut your mouth and don't say whatever is going around in your pea-brain.

Thanks, The World. And, I'm guessing, the Devil too.

Lone Wolf

I was going to post something today and I probably will late tonight/early tomorrow after work. Instead life occurred. In the meantime, peruse this astrological description of me. I really don't believe in horoscopes, although some are eerily accurate. This is one of them in my opinion. I had this book and it was fun to ask my friend's their birthdays and then compare the description to them. Is mine on point? I thought it was at least close. Let me know and check your own if you want.

November 28th- The Day of The Lone Wolf-

Descriptive words- natural, contradictory, profound, emotionally sensitive, confused, dogmatic


Personality of The Day of the Lone Wolf-
        The highly intense individuals born on November 28 must pursue their own course. Living paradoxes, those born on this day are complex individuals who never cease to amaze their family and friends with their unique combination of aggression and sensitivity. Their ideology is extremely important to them, but it can change in a bewildering fashion, its twists and turns leading through a maze of irony and high seriousness. For example, it may be difficult to determine whether a November 28 individual is conservative or radical, right- or left-wing, an upholder of the social order or anarchic rebel. Ultimately such terms have little meaning in reference to November 28 thought patterns, which must be understood on their own terms.

     Although November 28 people appear to others as physical types, the primary thrust of their day is mental, even intellectual. No matter what their walk of life or profession, they can often be found arguing their case, refusing to submit to any ready-made dogmas or belief systems. They are basically self-taught thinkers, and for many, school is at best an annoyance and at worst an imprisonment. They have a strong penchant to take the opposing point of view due to their resistance to absolute statements and generalizations of all types.

     November 28 people enjoy pointed humor, and will use wit and irony as powerful weapons against their opponents and also as a means to clarify and give shape to their own views. Most often, however, they make an impression of forthright seriousness. Emotionally, November 28 people are usually caught up in their own personal maelstrom. Romantic relationships may surface with frequency, but those born on this day have enormous difficulties in maintaining stability in this area.

     Their friendships, on the other hand, are usually rock-solid, and highly meaningful. Those who are involved with them will never forget the experience—difficult, maddening, recalcitrant and paradoxical, they go their own way and do their own thing. For example, they can be among the most generous of individuals and yet at other times the most selfish. Often their goodness and true nature is more easily understood by animals and small children, on a purely intuitive level, than by a critical, analytical adult mind. A love of nature and of the animal world is in fact sacred to them, being their one constant refuge from disappointing and uncertain human experiences.

     Perhaps the greatest problem for November 28 people is coming to understand themselves, and being able to straighten out their complex, difficult personalities. Usually it is seething emotions which keep them from viewing themselves in a more objective light. Many born on this day use their work as an escape from what seems an excessive self-involvement. Concerning the four major faculties of perception—intellect, emotion, intuition, sensation—a titanic effort must be made by November 28 people to bring these into balance. Only then can they progress in their personal development and come to terms with the society around them.

VALID?

Idiom Series Fifteen

Fifteen... Freshman Fifteen? I got nothing, folks.

"Things could be better/worse."

Typography by Josh Lafayette.

Another one I'm guilty of using too much AKA saying it at all.

OF COURSE things could be better or worse. You could always be more happy, have a little more or enjoy the experience on a deeper level. You could also get hit by that car, lose your job or catch terminal cancer that'll take your life in three to six months.



This is LIFE.

It goes up and down. To say this either a)makes you seem like a slow thinker if you are saying it and/or b)seem like an asshole for stepping on someone's current position in life. Maybe all they wanted was someone to congratulate them or just acknowledge their pain. It's obvious that their cut in salary may not be as bad as the starving kid's very existence in a Third World country but it is still cool for you to be like "I'm sorry to hear that. Let's get a drink."

It's the simple stuff, folks.

Idiom Series Fourteen

Seven is my favorite number and is probably a lot of other folks' favorite number. So, it should stand that twice such an outstanding number would give you an equally awesome or even better number. Alas, this doesn't work out, like being with twin hot sisters. It just gets awkward and, hence, we have fourteen.

"I'm not surprised."

Bullshit. If you knew this was coming, why didn't you warn the rest of us, Nostradamus?

No. You were just as surprised as the rest of us, buddy. You are just to smug to admit it.

Jerkface. You have the face of a jerk.

See?

I have a number of friends who say this. I think they do it to prove how jaded and worldly and knowledgeable they are. That behavior was acceptable when you were in your dumb teens to stupid early to mid twenties, but you are an adult now. And, unless you are an immortal vampire, chances are something is gonna surprise you most of the time. The person might not catch you off-guard but I bet you even money their dumb and/or heinous actions did. Hell, Olivia Benson on Law & Order: SVU is still surprised at times after all these years.

So, stop being smug and admit it. You were just as much in shock as the rest of us, pally.

Idiom Series Thirteen

They say the number is thirteen is unlucky. I don't believe that. Plus, this post is being thrown up in 2013. That's lucky, right?

"Best ever."

I'm guilty of using this one excessively. It's really a stupid thing to say. I freely admit it. There has to be a better way to convey your appreciation of something without using this piece of hyperbole.

This statement is an impossibility. The only way to know something is the best version ever is to know every version. I guess you can say "This is the best thing I've ever seen" although that is probably untrue or maybe you would  be in the clear if you said "This is the best ever, so far."

But the thing is no one restrains themselves in that way. We always go for the extreme argument. Hell, I'm doing it now. This idiom is annoying and must die but won't.

It is a Highlander idiom and I will continue to try and chop off its head as much as possible.

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

Random Subway Thinking Thought

We are indifferent towards strangers, very nice to people we like and sometimes horrible to people we say we love. The latter occurs mostly because we take those who we can constantly depend on for granted. We hopefully grow out of it as we get older but some o u don't.

I need this dude to back up off me on this rain. See? That's actually treating a stranger more than indifferent. GROWTH!!!

Easter Drankin´

5 PM...

Easter Sunday...

About 3 beers in...

Tecate to be more specific. Yeah, I know Easter isn´t a traditional drinking day, what with it supposed to be honoring White Jesus Walkind Deading it up and all but, then again, folks get winter wasted on Christmas, which is supposed to be about Baby Jesus, so whatever. Excuse my blasphemous boozing and typing.

The point of me even bringing that up is to say that I´m drinking. Obviously. But it´s also to explain why this post is on this blog instead of one of my other blogs. (although, I really should mirror it on my Caged Therapy one too...) Let me rewind back a tad...

I´m apartment sitting and dogsitting for friends. Whenever I do this activity and it allows me freedom for a few days, I like to drink and write. Not drink to get bent/wasted/drunk, but to feel a tiny buzz. I feel it lubricates my writing tools. I´m like Hemingway in that way, or that´s the excuse I usually use. What REALLY happens is I end up killing the six pack over the course of two days, come up with ideas I jot down but don´t really finish anything.

I planned on this time being different.

I´ve been pissed at myself for not completing what I at least think are awesome story ideas. I say I´m a writer but I did way more writing when I was clueless as what to possibly label myself. I know what needs to be done. I even see myself wrapping up tales in my head; I just don´t do it.
So this time was going to be different.

I usually take most of my story ideas with me. This time I only took two with me and the book I would have to reference for one of them. I was gonna get it done.
That was Friday´s plan.

Cut to Sunday at 5 PM and I haven´t made any strides that are worth reporting about. I know pretty much 75% of how I want the main story I was supposed to bust out this weekend should go; I´ve just haven´t committed it to eternity. The ideas still exists only in my head and my fragmented chicken scratch. What happened?

I can blame this cute dog falling asleep in my lap but I won´t because that´s dumb. It´s harder to type but I´m still able to post with her in my lap right now so that´s a copout. I could blame being unfocused and tired and horny but only the last one is true. (SO TRUE) But, again, only excuses. Drinking beer maybe? Nope. Never stopped me before.

This is on me. My writing mojo is out of whack and has been for awhile. So I´m going back for what worked for me in the past- write a bit about the non-fiction of my current life and then move into my fantastical take on fiction when that gets me angry/sad/fired up enough. Hoping that works out. We´ll soon see in a few days won´t we.

BTW, there is no images on this post right now; I´m using someone else´s laptop and I´m not gonna monkey around with that stuff right now, especially since everything is en Espanol, even the keyboard to an extent. So, if you DO see images, it means I revisited this page at home, looked it over and said "Ehh. This is frakkin´true enough for me and the three folks who read this. It just needs a beer can or two to be perfect."

Idiom Series Twelve

Double sixes. Must mean something in some game. I just don't recall. You would think I celebrate 4/20 or something.....

"Look, I'm a tolerant person..."

No. No you aren't. Tolerant people don't have to say that. If you start out in a defensive mode it is usually because you are about to come from an almost indefensible position with little to no merit and definitely without tolerance for your opposing viewpoint.

Stop saying you are tolerant and actually be tolerant. Become an open-minded human being.

Then I'll tolerate YOU.

Switching Faces

As you mature, most of your life, or at least mine, seems to be devoted to figuring out where you fit in. Whether it's in your little group of friends or into the greater world stage, life seems to always be about re-evaluating you position. I find this is particularly true for me as I view my different relationships- how I interact with my old friends, new friends, my family, strangers and people who irritate me.

At my core I'm definitely am the same guy on Monday as I am on Saturday (with maybe a question as to my sobriety level). I am pretty consistent in my actions and the only thing that I might adjust is my degree of harshness in my comments with people. For example, the way I interact with my brother is not going to be the same as the way I interact with a female friend. And even in the subset of female friends there are varying degrees of familiarity I have due to time known, past experience and my feelings on what slick shite I can get away with saying.

Thinking about this change in behavior forces me to ask the question- Who am I really?

If I can and do change how I am with different people, is there something not totally defined about me? If I can be the "I will fight anyone" person when I'm out with my brother and also be the "let's keep it civil and walk away" person with certain friends, does that mean I'm just a chameleon wearing different masks? Or am I just adjusting to the particular situation?

When I really think about it, the "I will fight anyone" person is just a degree removed from the "who is this guy talking to" protector I can sometimes be when I'm with my female friends (and that's not to say that my friends need to be protected; it's just something I've been raised to be) and he is like five steps away from the "civil" persona I have to take on when I'm with one of my more * ahem * hot-headed compatriots.

Maybe that's it. I'm the same person with this system of core beliefs about certain things and I adjust to get my point across or to make my feelings/viewpoints understood depending on the audience. And outside of these core beliefs, I'm open and willing to hear other differing views on the world so it may appear that I'm unsure about who I am at my core but I'm just more accepting that there is more than one truth.

Anyway, this is one of those things I think about when I'm alone. Just sayin'.

Did I go to a parallel universe....

Sometimes I think that I was in an accident or something and my brain was somehow affected negatively. My close friends and some of my family at the time were informed of it.

I think that must be the reason people sometimes treat me like I can't do something or act like I'm an idiot about certain things. The problem is when I play into it.

Gotta address that.

Fraudulent Work

Looking back and realized my last 3 or so posts have been about things that piss me off. I do recognize that this site out of all my other sites is a little bitter but I do like to inject a little levity into it from time to time. With that in mind I stole this little post that I was going to use for my non-drinking site. Enjoy yo'self....

8 FAKE JOBS I'M GONNA SAY I HAVE AT PARTIES-

I go out (or used to got out) to a fairly decent, and at one point some would say indecent, amount of parties. As you past into the age of majority, parties and meeting new people become pretty much routine. You walk up to someone who appears attractive/interesting/easy/desperate for attention and strike up a conversation. With very few remarkable cases, the topics of conversation are pretty much always the same-

-"How long have you known such-and-such?"
-"Where are you from?"
-"Is that a good program for me/my preschooler/my drug addict uncle?"
-"Man, this weather is crazy, right?"

There is slight variation but the one question that ALWAYS comes up is
"What do you do for a living?"

I HATE this question.
For a few reasons this question annoys me, the chief being that unless that person is self-employed or has dedicated their life to their career it doesn't really tell you anything about the individual. I'm more interested in what you do for fun. I mean you can tell me you're a heart surgeon but I'd probably be more willing to engage in a conversation with you if I knew your hobby on Saturday afternoons was engaging in large-scale LARP (ask a nerd) in a local public park. I mean that shit is CONVO GOLD, son.


Meet your surgical staff. Hey, Dr. Tumnus and Nurse...Snake-Eyes.

I also hate this question because of the reaction I get when I tell people what I do. I like tutoring/teaching and have enjoyed doing it for the past few years. I also like writing and hope to do that for my life but when you tell people this stuff you get either a nice nod, a statement about either the education in this country sucks or it is a "spiritually rewarding job" (which it is but that's really a nice way to say "Hey, how's that Ramen taste, chief?" *) or they ask you how you can do it. Bastards.

To combat this potential lull in the conversation I sometimes encounter I have come up with 8 Fake Jobs that I'll tell people I do. (And I mean fake as in I don't do them.** Obviously, some of these jobs exist. The others...should)

HARPOON SALESMAN-
A noble profession, a harpoon salesman allows one to talk in a raspy voice and curse a lot. If you are selling harpoons to sailors you are familiar with that element and should be a salty sea-dog as well. ARRGGGHHH! It's like being a pirate with full dental in my mind.

This fake job affords you the opportunity to make up fanciful stories about giant fish and kraken and "bringing down the great beast." Plus, you can use it if you had eye surgery and are required to wear an eye-patch. Everyone always says pirate with an eye-patch. You are unique and say harpoon salesman is the way you making your drinking money.

Note- Do not use if you are a dude trying to pick up a hot vegan/animal rights advocate. Will blow up in your face against the power of Greenpeace.


CHOCOLATIER-
I stole this one from my boy Sung. It's genius. I mean, who doesn't love chocolate? (What? You don't? Weirdo...)

I imagine that you can invent stories of how hard it is to get fruit and nuts into those small bars or you can lead a group discussion on the merits of caramel versus peanut butter. Maybe you can discuss the history of nougat.
You don't know about nougat?

FUCK IT.
Who is gonna call you out on it? Who does know about nougat?



I mean, besides THESE guys.


WISHING WELL DESIGNER-
You are the crafter of dreams and the maker of magic. You create little portals to wishing that, hopefully, no little kids will fall down. That would be sad.

Wishing wells are a well-known (excuse the pun) aphrodisiac. No really. Test it out. Try telling someone you are an artisan that crafts the receptacle of dreams and NOT be making out with that person in the span of eight minutes.

Just look at that gods-damn thing. Magnificent.

Go on. Try it. I dare you. I'll wait...







See? Told ya, son.

FYI- Just make sure you tell them that no little girl was dumped in there to later haunt people with a death tape. It's a mood killer, like Herpes meds in the medicine cabinet.

AWKWARD.


PIE COURIER- Just like chocolate above, who doesn't like pie? (What? That's it. You have to go, buster)

Everyone likes pie. You might not like all of it but I'm sure there is a type for you out there in the world. They come in such a varied assortment.

Apple. Rhubarb. Cherry. Chocolate. Whipped cream for clowns. Even mince-meat for you sick freaks out there.

With being a pie courier, you have the double hit of being able to talk about delicious dessert and all the weird people you encounter on your routes. Or you can invent pie emergencies, like that one time that famous celebrity party almost died until you came and saved the day with the Blueberry Special No. 7.


What I imagine a pie courier to look like. Delivering to Niggars.


KNIFE THROWER- The best job in the circus after anything acrobatic and being a lion tamer. So you are probably saying to yourself "Self, why would Sean recommend I use this fake job instead of the superior two?"

Number one, stop referring to yourself in the third person. It's annoying. Only Sean can do that.

Number two, it's simple. If you are an acrobat, people expect you to be fit and pliable. You can be a FAT knife thrower. If you are a lion tamer, you have to be brave/crazy. You can be a TIMID knife thrower. I mean you are throwing knives AT someone, not vice-versa)

Although I suppose one could be a CRAZY knife thrower if you want to work that angle.


Relax. And, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T MOVE!

As a knife thrower, you are free to make up tales of near misses, traveling a lot, being away from family(sympathy angle) and all the interesting people you meet/work with.
Plus, if someone asks you to throw a knife just say you pulled something and you can't. Who is really gonna argue with a guy that can accurately throw knives at folks?


SANDWICH ARTIST- Yes, I mean that kind of sandwich artist. A SUBWAY Sandwich Artist. You might not think this is a wise choice but I think it is awesome if you follow one highly simple rule-

Play this role as if you were a HIGHLY SERIOUS Sandwich Artist.

There should be no hesitation, no fear and definitely no shame.

Commit to the lie and take pride in your work and it's artistic merit.

You are employed and make an honest living. We are living in a recession and you have a job.

This lie works best in the most highly sophisticated of wine and cheese affairs. To have the balls to attend one of the cotillions and then say you work at a minimum wage job shows you have no fear. An are probably a tiger in the sack or at the very least someone to know.

On top of that you are a DAMN ARTISTE. (Make sure you pronounce it AR-TEEST)

Fuck Quizno's. I make ART, dammit!

Compare yourself to Van Gogh and DaVinci. Just do it. Only haters would DARE say something.
Run with the beautiful lie, you BLT Rembrandt.

UNDERWATER WELDER- I picked this for one reason above all- NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT THIS JOB.

I mean you THINK you know but unless you are in this field, you don't.

Underwater welding, besides being lucrative($60-80 per hr, I believe), is a perfect career to invent fake stories about. All you need to do is take the lies you told with being a Harpoon Salesman, add a dash of anything you saw on an episode of Deadliest Catch, some stuff you saw the guys at SeaWorld do and a pinch of using power tools and TA-DAH! you are officially an underwater welder.

Plus, any and I do mean ANY scars you have can be attributed to your job. You are like a cowboy-mechanic-Aquaman combo.

PORN STUNTMAN- WARNING! This should only be used in the most liberal of situation and/or by only the boldest of liars. If used in the wrong venue, incorrectly or not fully committed to, it will blow up horribly in your face.

The plus side about this fake career is that even if it falls apart on you, you can turn it into a joke and either referencing your real boring ass job or one of the other 7 above.

When you use this lie, don't make a lie about "tagging out" with a porn star to body double during sexual acts.
One, nobody believes that.
Two, who wants to be the stand-in girl during the fellatio scene?

Instead, lie and say you are the stuntman on a regular stunt-type action scene. Like you worked on a porn with a random car chase and you were the limo stunt-driver while the girls were "having fun" in the backseat. Or you were the stand-in for the pizza boy when his bike somersaulted over that truck in front of the lonely MILF's house. We are going for some semi-believability here, people.

Or fuck it, say YOU ARE A STUNT DOUBLE DURING THE SEX SCENE.


I got this T.O. ***

Just make sure that any fictional career you choose that you follow these simple rules-

-Commit fully.
-Stay in character.
-Invent interesting situations.
-Be earnest.
-And when the story ultimately falls apart (oh, and it will), SMILE and make sure the other person enjoyed their time they spent with you.

Because, at the end of the night, life and parties are about having a good time.
Cheers.


*- Delicious, by the way.

**- There are, of course, jobs like ninja, cowboy, lumberjack and space pirate but I wanted something a little more outside the norm.

***- Saw him on Bangbus once so it COULD happen.

Idiom Series 'Leven

Eleven. That's all I got for the number 11. (He's one of my DJ homeboys- he's cool as a polar bear's toenails)

"I know for a fact...."

Very rarely when this is stated does the person saying it ACTUALLY knows something for a fact. Most of the time it's said to win an argument and the person only has, at best, a strong hunch about something.

Eight times out of ten, the information they are referring to has been gleaned from some great source like something a distant cousin mentioned while drunk, a television show that has been off the air for a few years, that one thing they saw that one time on the Discovery Channel or that movie they caught on TNT last night. Or maybe they got it from Wikipedia, that fount of accurate internet knowledge.


Sean likes this site better. [citation needed]

If you find yourself with this gem on the tip of your tongue, STOP!
You are either in a stupid argument, arguing with an asshat who doesn't believe you anyway and/or you are the asshat losing an argument, struggling to save yourself from losing by trying to grasp the little bit of knowledge on a subject that you think you have.

Trust me. Stop it. You don't.

I know it for a fact you don't.

Idiom Series Diez

Ten Lords a-leaping? Huh? When has that ever happened? Whatever....

"It's not you, it's me."

To be fair, sometimes the person actually means it when they say this. I'll say two times out of ten this is said with truth in the statement. (The number rises significantly when they you in question is ME but I digress)

Most of the time...guess what? It is YOU.
You did something that the other person couldn't deal with. I mean we are all screwed up to a point. Some people are worse than the norm though. This little gem of a statement is reserved for them.

Let's say that you are trapped in a cage with a wild animal who can snap at any moment. The only way out for you is to appease them and slowly back out of that cage. So you speak gently and walk back to the doorway while you keep a steady eye on the beast.

This is the same method you employ with the crazy person you are trying to leave because, just like a wild animal, they won't be reasoned with and won't change their nature because you try and show it to them. The best and only response is to say that statement, get your shit and bounce.

The problem I have with this statement is the ubiquity of it. People use this line so much that is a cliche and means nothing at this point. On top of that, most people can and need a little constructive criticism when their relationship is being dissolved. You don't just do this to make yourself feel better (read-feel superior) but you do this to help that person learn not to make those same mistakes in their future relationships.

I just re-read Things I've Learned from Women Who Dumped Me and, although a funny book written by comedians, the wisdom that these men gained from failed relationships is invaluable. It is indeed true that you can learn from the mistakes of others and this book is like a guidebook of how not to do stupid little things or how not to deal with women who will just use you with no hope for a future. I suggest both sexes check it out.

So, yeah, sometimes it is your fault and you should admit it.

And, yeah, sometimes you are dealing with someone who is so screwed up that you can't help him/her so say it to escape relatively unscathed.

But most of the time it's a joint failing and you should take responsibility for your own errors but don't let that other person off the hook. It doesn't help you and it definitely doesn't help the other person if you lie to them. Honesty is one of the pillars of a good relationship and a good break-up.

Because you know what? It is YOU. Cowboy up and change.

Idiom Series IX

Jordan, Wade and The Natural rocked it so it's a good number. Then again so did the Nazgul...

"You're a....Think of something."

I hate this statement because it can come at you from two negative fronts.
Situation 1) Let's say you are a repairmen and you fix pipes. You don't necessarily want to be a pipe-fixer but situations outside of your control made you one/you are using pipe-fixing to pay your bills/pipe-fixing is a family tradition you must uphold/pipe-fixing is just there until you achieve your dream....whatever. The point is you don't want to be Mario but you are.

"I'm sicka alla da pipes, jabroni!"

So you don't like your job. To deal with not liking your job, you go hang out with some folks at, let's say, a party. During the cost of the evening, something happens with the toilet. This is sort of but not entirely in your area of expertise from work. Someone knows you are a pipe-fixer.

Random Douche- Hey, man. You're a pipe-fixer. Think of something.

What?

I hate my job as a piper-fixer. I came here to get away from pipes. Nintendo lied to us. There are no princesses in sewers nor giant fighting turtles with atrocious language skills. There are no pipes to even be fixed in this situation. Why are you making me do something I hate? Bastard.

Situation 2) Maybe you LOVE what you do. Maybe you are a world-class or aiming to be a world-class illustrator. You hone your craft to create elaborate pieces and enjoy the intense labor and the reward of working hard to make awesome images. It's not a hobby for you- it's your life passion.

"I'm about to paint some ill shit, bitches."

So there you are, a painter. Chilling. Enjoying a day at the park. Minding yours. A friend comes by and sits next to you about nothing like friends do. Suddenly, in the middle of the conversation....

Friend- Man, I've been trying to come up with this icon for this shitty thing/something that doesn't really matter. Could you sketch out a picture of a dog or something. I mean you are a painter. Think of something.

Excuse me.

Listen, you'll probably sketch something out for the person or fix the toilet because those are people you care about but it doesn't make the situation any cooler.
For one, they are asking you to actively engage in something you can do and are proficient in but don't necessarily like or want to do at the moment. I mean, you wouldn't ask a porn star on the street to randomly starting boning you...


Okay. Maybe that's a bad example.

But you wouldn't just randomly go up to an actor or comedian and be like "Perform a scene" or "Make me laugh, you clown." Unless you are a dick.
Are you a DICK?

Secondly, just because I CAN do something doesn't mean I WANT to do it every second of the day. Everyone needs a break, even from the things they love. Why do you think we have babysitters? It's not that people don't love their kids but sometimes you need a break from them to get your head straight. And not choke 'em.

Sometimes literally.

Lastly, especially in the example of the painter, it's sometimes insulting to have a person perform a generic task that tangentially relates to what they are doing. How would you feel if you were Shakespeare and someone asked you out of the blue to come up with a catchy jingle? Sure, you could probably do it but why are you being asked to be demeaned for your talent?

And it's not just creative professions either. You don't find out someone is a heart surgeon at a party and ask them to look at something on your foot, right?

It's okay to do this once in a while with your friends but don't make it a habit. Think before you ask someone to "Think of something." Put yourself in their position and see how it feels for a second.

You're a human being. Think of something.

Idiom Series Ocho

Sometimes eight is not enough.

“Do you know what time it is?” (and all variations of this)

Now you may think this term is innocuous. The way it is written it is. Reading it on this page you just think it may be someone just asking what time it is. No, the way in which this is an annoying statement is in the way it is presented.
For example.....

You show up late somewhere due to forces outside of your control

You- "Hey. I..."

Other- "Do you know what time it is?"

My problem isn't even so much that the person is slightly upset that you are late. Ignoring punctuality is a huge pet peeve, if you know me.
The problem is the cocksure nature of the person who asks you this question. OBVIOUSLY you know what time it is. Does that person having you repeat the time make them feel better or in some way superior? Is that what is going on? Does reducing you to a child make their annoyance that much easier to swallow?

Other variations of this include-

- "Hey, do you know what time you were supposed to be here?"
If I'm late, then that means I didn't know what time I was supposed to be there. Or I couldn't make it and something kept me from contacting you. 9 times out of 10 it's the former. So, please, I don't need the sass. I can read a watch. There was apparently some sort of miscommunication and you think I'm 8 years old.

- "Does that make you feel good...?"
Well, there are 2 ways to answer this.

Yes, I do. I'm feeling like an asshole right now and this makes me feel good.
No, I don't. I messed up and I'm sorry.

The point is you already know the answer to that question so why ask? Is it going to change the fact that you are most likely pissed off?
No?
That's what I thought.

- "So, were you going...?"
Listen, I was either going to tell you about it or I wasn't. More than likely I was when the time was right. Do not make me feel like a dick for trying to protect your feelings about your girlfriend cheating on you, me leaving or any other thing that might potentially ruin your day. Sorry for trying to be nice.

- "Did you get that e-mail/note/report/package?"
No. I didn't. Good-bye.

Superbowl Sunday

Sober.

Broke. Like really broke.

Not drinking or even going to the pub to enjoy some nachos or curry chicken. (see above)

Probably not going to even watch the game. Not interested in either team. (Pittsburgh is winning)

Trying to write. Mildly successful but not in the way I want to be. This Russian dude videoconferencing loudly next to me ain't helping though.

Sigh.