VDAY

Oops. Wrong Heart.

This is not going to be a post in support or against the holiday of Valentine's Day. I like it some years and I don't on other years. This isn't dependent on my relationship status but just how I feel on the day of. I'm not going to talk about whether or not it is just a corporate construction supported by the gift card makers/Lindt chocolateers/military-prison-industrial complex to appease the masses and boost the economy, if for only one day. I'm sure it probably has elements of this and elements from the original concept of love and dating and romance. *

No, I'm not going to talk about any of that in this post.

What I'm going to talk about is my favorite couple I like to see on this day.

Married couples are cool and you can always spot the married couples with kids by that slightly weary look on their faces. There are the elderly couples which are inspiring on any and every day. The dating folks in their twenties and thirties can be fun to watch but my FAVORITE...my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE?

Teens in love.

I love the awkwardness in the face of the guys and the joy and pride with the girls holding their flowers or their silly, large bears. Teens always walk that border between extreme cockiness and shyness and they turn it up to eleven on this day.

I love it.

I think part of what I like about these pairings is that it reminds me of my own past history of awkward fumbling towards love. As you grow older, the opportunities for first experiences grow smaller. First kisses, first loves, first heartbreak- you'll never get those again. These are important milestones and they are beautiful. I'm both envious of the young for their wide-eyed initial moments of romance and SO GLAD that I don't have to deal with those confusing emotions. Love is lovely and it is sweet when it is first enjoyed, Enjoy it.

And, kids? It gets better as you get older.

That's the proper heart.

*Plus, we all KNOW that the Illuminati are behind all our holidays anyway. STAY WOKE!

The Doppler Effect*

The other day I ran into a doppelganger of my younger brother a few blocks from my home. Logically I knew it couldn't be him as soon as I saw him. My brother was at work and in a totally different borough. But this guy walked exactly like him. They were about the same height and coloring. They possessed the same gait. The outfit this guy had on looked similar to something that my brother would wear, if a tad bit baggier than his usual taste. He was even loudly singing along to rap music.

Basically a taller, lighter version of Tyrese in 1994.

Like I said I knew it wasn't my brother but as I passed this guy a thought passed through my head- "Wow. Another one."

You see, this wasn't the first person I encountered in my travel that possessed more than a passing resemblance to someone I know. I've seen versions of my friends walking in Midtown, hustling to places in the cold weather of the Northeast, riding on the J train and waiting with me at bus stops. I've known it wasn't them because we didn't acknowledge each other as familiar and most of the time the person they looked like was out of town so it couldn't be them.

The scariest is when I see old black men nowadays. Not all black men but certain older black men instantly make me think of my late father. The familiar smile at an inner joke, the crazy eyebrows, that familiar older black male stance of "I'm old, youngin', but I'll give you a lesson if you need it, son."

AKA The Morgan Freeman.

I think this might be a symptom of missing dude or maybe the universe is telling me I should listen to the voice of others that lives inside of me that tries to illuminate a correct course of action. Or maybe it's life telling me to not allow things to pass me by as an outside observer. That life is short and people move on and do what they love and grow and  expand and sometimes pass on and if I don't start doing the same I'm not doing what I should do. If you're not living up to your potential and just standing there as things flow around you, what does that make you?

Uatu- RIP

Or maybe all the people I know just look like a lot of other people. I know I have been told that I looked like pretty much every black male of a certain age ** and that was how I got the unfortunate nickname of Flusher in high school.*** Are we all Cylons secretly? Are we just variations on a few types of people, just moderately changed through time and genetic drift?

They have a plan...

This whole doppelganger thing is spooky, yo.



*I know the Doppler effect and doppelganger are two unrelated terms but it sounds good and this piece is also talking about things approaching and receding from a subject- me. So, there.
**Only sometimes said in a racist manner.
***You're smart. You can figure that one out. Use context clues.

Thor Odinson Vs. Norrin Radd

It should come as no surprise to anyone who reads this blog, is an old friend, follows me on Tumblr/Twitter/Instagram or even knows me a little bit that I'm a HUGE geek. I fall into the mostly sci-fi geek tribe nowadays but my base is comic books, like I imagine many people who are also in this tribe. Hell, that was partially how I learned to read. We usually begin as those weird kids who know how Rogue got her basic powers beside power/personality absorption,(1) can tell you who was in the originals Defenders line-up,(2) can name the founding members of the original Legion of Super-Heroes as well as their benefactor(3) and can explain to you the complicated family tree of the Summers family.(4) We grow and get picked on sometimes and sometimes graduate to more mature geeky readings and movies and TV shows, like Lord of The Rings, BSG and The X-Files. Us old geeks were geeky before it was cool to be geeky. We took those early blows so that you gals and guys could be comfortable in your geeky skins now.

You're welcome.

The person I need to thank who helped me (and therefore you neo-geeks) on this geeky path was my father. He showed me the Star Wars trilogy reinforcing the Hero's Journey, praised EightMan and gave me that early taste of anime and loudly talked throughout the premiere of Jurassic Park with the accompanying laughter of a surprisingly predominately Caucasian audience. He did all of this but most importantly he introduced me to comic books. He was an artist and comic books were an art form that could be enjoyed by a wide age-range. It encompassed ALL the possible stories that could be told by mankind, like all good science fiction. From a nerdy teen from Queens who got powers from a radioactive arachnid to a family of explorers fighting a mystical/technological Eastern European dictator to tales of soldiers in Vietnam to humanity fighting aliens in the far future for survival, comic books had it all. We loved them all but our favorites usually came from the Marvel vaults.

My father's favorite was The Mighty Thor. It was Stan Lee, Larry Lieber and The King, Jack Kirby himself, at their most operatic and most bombastic. Many other writers followed but I think the Walter Simonson run was his favorite. It captured the original Journey Into Mystery feel with more flair. It was a story of generations and space gods doing battle with other gods and monsters.

I was meh about the whole thing. Thor was a product of the 1960s to the weird 1980s to me. He was a big, whiny, blonde guy who talked funny and had a hammer. Yes, he was mythic and could bring down great and terrible weather conditions but I already had Storm in the X-Men and she was a foxy Black woman so, there you go. I think my dad liked him because Thor was very much a part of the "epic hero saga." The Odinson's stories were about family issues at their heart and having companions that were fated to play roles until Ragnarök took them all. I think the destiny thing worked for my dad because the actual life people live is not written out by the universe for us. There is comfort in that story, even if your fate is to fall in Ragnarök after defeating the Midgard Serpent Jörmungandr, who ultimately poisons you. It is a doomed end but it is also a noble and heroic one. A "manly end."

I could take or leave this big, flaxen haired warrior when I was younger but dad introduced me to another Lee/Kirby creation. An argent agent of a massive purple humanoid force of nature. The herald of the universal planet eater, Galactus. He was Norrin Radd of doomed Zenn-La, also known as the Silver Surfer.

Yes, he was also a bit whiny but I got his complaints. Thor was a child angry at his father with vast powers and some weird anger issues. The Silver Surfer had legitimate beefs. He was a smart dude yearning to explore on a planet of people that were very comfortable with their condition on an Utopian world. Despite this, he sacrificed his life and soul to save them and the woman he loved. He came to Earth and recognized the nobility of these aliens called humans that were very similar to him. He rebelled against his master, saved another planet of people and was rewarded by being trapped there. He complained a bit but he had adventures still and accepted his conditions with bravery and a stoic, at times, resolve. Plus, he "surfed" and I lived a block from the beach.

I understood this dude.

I liked this dude.

You know who I'm rooting for here, folks.

Norrin was a loner with a broken heart looking for other weirdos who understood him. He was a traveler, always looking for the next lesson, the next adventure. He rebelled against authority. All of these qualities oddly got to me when I was a young kid, before anything similar happened to me.(5) And he kept evolving. He eventually got off of Earth and had crazy space adventures and fought mad gods and teamed up with the angry duo of The Hulk and Namor, who I still say is the dickiest of all characters except maybe Black Adam. They even have similar dickish haircuts but let's move on.

Dicks.

Looking back, maybe the reasons why my dad gravitated to this Nordic space god and I went for the silver rider of cosmic waves were simple. All of the time he was with us dad had family that wasn't really family. I was introduced to people my father grew up with, all his friends. People he loved and treated as family but weren't blood. His family wasn't around or he didn't connect with them or vice versa. I didn't meet any of my father's family until his funeral last month. He has one sibling, a brother, that I've never seen or met but my father would always say that "Sean, you are exactly like him. I had my brother's child." He picked his family and  created his family from his friends and his children that he raised to varying degree. Maybe Thor being pretty much a family saga called out to something deep in his psyche and soul. That feeling of being connected by fate, destiny and blood that he was missing.

All related.

And if that was the case, maybe the opposite was why I liked the Silver Surfer so much. I have a TON of family. Always have and they have, usually, been near or around me. My cousins have lived in the same house as me at a few points or down the street or a couple of blocks away. I've always had an uncle living in the same house with me; I have one doing so right now. My grandmother always lived above me. My younger brother and I are usually in close proximity to each other and my oldest sibling always used to come by and forced me to not sleep in my own bed when I was little. My life has always been lousy with family. (6)

But even with all this family, I've felt alone many times. Not lonely but alone. I've always searched out for more people like me, who shared similar likes and dislikes. My family is filled with smart people but I was always the geeky, weird guy reading the encyclopedia in the empty bathtub. I was the non-fighter of my siblings. The well behaved one. The one who would go down this already prescribed path to success.

I wanted out.

I liked to go exploring. I tried different things. I was the guy who would hop on a plane to try somewhere new or go for a visit to a friend nowhere near me. (7) My sister and her family moving around helped me to scratch my new place itch at times. I moved out to Vegas.

I also loved being around my new like-minded and mostly geeky or nerdy friends. But, I also liked being alone. Going for walks by myself. Sitting at the beach, solo. Exploring the church on campus. Maybe it because I didn't always fit in with my friends either. They seemed more sure of themselves. They were/are certainly cooler than me. I would and still get into my "Sean needs to be alone" moments.

I was Norrin Radd. (8)

Mr. Solo Dolo.

Maybe I'm reading too much into our preferences on who was the better character in these old funny books. I'm no psychologist. I think I might be partially correct about my dad and I feel pretty confident that I'm 90% right about my own self-diagnosis.

Yeah, this seems right.

Either way, I owe that DAD guy a lot. Not just for half my DNA but for the love of this geeky life he gave me. He provided the foundation to build on. I wasn't always his fan and we didn't always see eye to eye on certain things, comic book characters being one of those things, but I always loved the man. That love was expressed in our discussions about who would win in a fight or which characters had the best story arcs or why he loved Lord of the Rings so much and, as he got sicker, what was going on in the universes of four color heroes. It was how we connected, like the way he connected with my other siblings through talking about their kids, or boxing or basketball. Me and my father had comic books, geeky movies, drawing things and the whole landscape of science fiction. 

So far, at least in the movie world, his guy is beating my guy. I like the cinematic Thor WAY more than the Silver Surfer in the Fantastic Four movies. But, I'm not giving up on my guy yet. Maybe someone will do my guy justice. Maybe I'll do him justice because that might be the most important thing I got from my father- a belief that anything was possible. 

Tales could be created and you could bring things into existence if you put enough effort into creating characters, ideas and concepts that people could relate to and adopt for themselves. Thor or Silver Surfer, if you could get behind them as more than characters, could become real in your world. You could give them life like the masters that did it before you.

My father created life through me and his other kids and their kids. He touched the life of his wife in immeasurable ways. He was a beloved man by his friends and co-workers and pretty much anyone that encountered him. He might not have realized all his dreams but he is certainly inspiring me right now to go after mine. I'll always love him for that.

Thanks, Dad. I won't bust Thor's chops (too much) anymore, for you. Maybe we'll meet again, pass the rainbow bridge Bifrost and Heimdall's all-seeing eyes in Valhalla, in eternal Asgard. (9)

I can imagine it. I owe you that.

(1) She absorbed Carol Danvers powers AKA Ms. Marvel, who is now Captain Marvel and got her powers from a Kree device and took her name from Mar-Vell, also know as Capt. Marvel. Ms. Marvel is now Kamala Khan.

(2) Dr. Strange, Namor and the Hulk. Some people often include Silver Surfer but he wasn't in the original mission versus The Nameless One and The Undying Ones.

(3) Cosmic Boy, Saturn Girl and Lightning Boy(Lad). I guess you can include Superboy in there if you want. They were financed by RJ Brande.

(4) Do you have a few hours and a whiteboard?

(5) Well, maybe I was always a loner looking for "my people" but definitely no real heartbreak then. That didn't happen until like 6th grade when I was old and experienced.

(6) I mean "lousy" in the best way, guys. I love you all.

(7) Living on the last stop on the A train helped with that as well.

(8) I might still be Norrin Radd. I dunno.

(9) And Heimdall is a Black dude in our version too.

Trying

I think I'm going to commit myself to writing something on this blog daily. I'm going to post my other random stuff and blogs I already have been working on but I think I'm going to steer this thing a little bit back to the original idea I had for this thing- helping me work through stuff by putting it down and getting it out of my head. I have a lot of emotions and ideas flitting through my head throughout the day and weird encounters sometimes when I leave my house. I usually write them down or keep it in my brain with the plan of writing them out but somehow I get sidelined with life and it doesn't get done.

So, now, I'm going to commit myself to take an hour and write something here. It'll be like journalling but in the open and less soft sounding. I gotta come up with a different name besides blogging or journalling? Scribblin'? Jottin'? I'll figure it out. Maybe something relating to stream of conscious because this will probably end up being similar to that. Regardless it should prove helpful to me and work into my plan to get my life back on a more concrete schedule of doing things, outside of having a crazy and at sometimes non-existent sleep schedule. Been slipping for awhile in many aspects of "living swell" but that's for another blog entry later this week.

Today is about me and my undercurrent of misanthropy.

Hate, hate, hate!

I'm what most people would consider an easygoing and agreeable soul. I try to be empathetic to others and generally stray from extremes in arguments.* I like to hear both sides of a story and care about how people are feeling. When I say that, I don't mean I care about how people feel about me (outside of friends and family) but I mostly want everyone to feel at ease and comfortable around me. Happy people make me happy. Sad and hurt people make me upset.

Have you ever heard of the Tzadikim Nistarim? Well, to keep it shorter than this, It's this esoteric Judaic/Kabbalistic belief that there are at any given time 36 righteous people on this planet that keep the rest of us alive by being saintly or caring about others and protecting them even without being a public figure or getting credit. If one dies, they would have to be replace or the world would come to an end. That's some heavy shit right there, b.

36. We need 'em.

Now, I'm not saying I'm one of these enlightened figures. Not even close and I doubt I would crack the top billion of people who REALLY care about others but I definitely get those moments when I feel like the whole world needs help and I need to do something about it. Or on a smaller scale I need to protect and watch out for the people in my immediate circle, be that figurative or literal.

With all that said I also CANNOT STAND PEOPLE sometimes. I know, I know. "Everyone feels like that, guy. It's human nature." And usually, I understand exactly where my annoyance level with folks come from. I clearly see the actions they have taken to get me to that point. For example, I walk my mother to catch the bus to work every morning pretty much at 4 AM which is an ungodly hour. I sleep for about 45 minutes before I have to do this nightly and I'm already not a morning person. The bus she has to catch is always a couple of minutes late which makes no sense since I live right at the first stop. So, my mother tells me today that she got on the bus yesterday, which was late, and not 3 seconds on the bus the driver says "You can't say good morning?"

REALLY? FUCKIN' REALLY?

The only thing stopping me from getting on the bus this morning and BARKIN' at this jackassery was my mother. I was already irritable for being up and you are coming with the slick talk? I should put my paws on you. Maybe push you through your windshield, partna.

Puny bus driver.

Now, my reaction to that, though extreme, can easily be traced back to a source- early morning and clown shoes behavior by some old bus driver. Pretty much within the boundaries of normal human thinking, I think.

My issue that I have is that I get extreme with it or it comes from a weird place that it shouldn't.

Yesterday I'm at the laundry washing my clothes. I arrive there in a decent mood and I usually don't have problems there. The machines aren't always up to snuff but the ladies there are pretty nice and look out if the problem is on their end. It's crowded and there is a woman complaining about how her machine isn't drying her clothes correctly. She gets in it a bit with one of the ladies there who handles the situation in a calm manner. For some reason, I get pissed for her.

I have this weird thing where people feel the freedom to talk to me randomly about bullshit or complain. I see this lady coming back around to where the washers are still complaining to I assume her family and another random lady or two who give her the head nod of agreement. At this point my annoyance has transformed into the "I wish she would" desire in my head.** I already plan to shit on her problems with her wet clothes and bring up larger current events LOUDLY so she feels bad for being a dick. I guess she could tell what I had tumbling in my mind because she walked right pass after looking at my face.

Castle forgot his fabric softener. This will end badly.

Or maybe she could tell my secondary thought which was "I wish some large ravenous wolves came in here and ate your whole face off while I laughed like a Sean the Barbarian the entire time." Yeah. It was probably that.

See? That's my thing. I LOVE humanity but I HATE people. I want to see the best for us as a whole species but I get these moments where I want entire swaths of people to be mowed down by some vengeful force, usually me when I imagine it. I want to save us all but a lot of the time I'm like "Naw. They ain't worth it."

Maybe I'm not really a nice guy and IT IS about me wanting people to like and accept me. Maybe the caring and doing the extra step and worrying is a facade to cover monster inside. Maybe I'm the bad guy.

ARRRGGHHH!!!

Naw. People are just irritating jerks sometimes. I just gotta not do what's in my mind and find a way to express my negative emotions in a healthy way.

* This doesn't apply to being a racist, sexist, ignorant of scientific fact, etc. Obviously.
** This happens a lot. It might be a more of a "black person" thing and would go a long way in explaining our blood pressure issues. That and a history of oppression and cultivating bad habits.

A New York Magic Moment

There are rare moments when you are reminded that people can be alright and not stressful and can make you feel good to enjoy their company for a time. I find these moments occur a lot but usually when you aren't looking for them. Strangers can come into your existence for a second and be your pal for that moment and it's great. Single serving pals can be wonderful. Here is the story of my train ride with cool, tired people.

I had just left the ATCQ/Yeezus concert and hiked to the A train. My plan was to catch the F train at the next stop uptown and ride that all the way to the bus home. For some reason, the F was acting funky and only got me a little into Manhattan before I had enough and said "Screw it. I'll take my chances with the J."

I go to the J platform expecting to deal with more MTA late night shenanigans but surprisingly the train arrives pretty quickly. I get on and grab an empty seat by some young, Latino woman with a nose ring. I'm tired but amped from the activities I just left and figure that the ride home will be pretty much about me being alone in my thoughts with no interactions with others. This is generally how I like it but this lady beside me had other ideas.

"Where are you coming from?" she asked me. I could tell by the drawl of her voice that she had also had a few drinks in her system for the night.

"Brooklyn. The Kanye concert. It was cool," I replied.

"Really? That's cool. Where are you going now?" she asked.

"Home, to sleep," I answered. "Last stop."

"Well," she said, putting her hand on my arm. " Do you mind if I take a nap on your shoulder? I'm getting off at the Junction and I'm tired from dancing all night. I'm a stripper."

(At this point I was gonna let her sleep on my shoulder anyway because frak it, she wasn't gonna bug me by doing so and although, I want to think I'm noble like this fine fellow* I realize I'm shallow enough that I'll let an attractive woman use me as a pillow. Anyway...)

"Cool," I said.

"No, I really am," she said. At this point I look across the way at this older black lady, her friend and this woman who was closer in age to me. They all looked at me and smiled, particularly the latter woman.

My seat buddy digs into her bag and pulls out here shoes a bit so I could see the clear heels.

"See? I'm a stripper," she said again.

"Aight," I replied because really what else was I supposed to say?

So, she put her shoes back in her bag and closed it up. Then she wrapped her arm through my arm and proceeded to doze off on my shoulder. She woke up every couple of stops to remind me that she was getting off at the Junction and I just told her to go back to sleep, I'd make sure she got off at the right stop.
The entire time the three people across from us were just smiling and laughing at this entire scene.

At one point she got up and said something about how her mother was going to be pissed with her because although she was just eating dinner after her shift, her mother would probably think something else since she was getting home so late. Why she told me this, I had no clue but I just told her to be honest and she had nothing to worry about.

I actually enjoyed the comfort of her being there with her arm wrapped around mine. It was a very non-sexual moment with someone whose work was wrapped up intricately in the world of sex, or at least the fantasy of sex. It was just nice to have the human contact and with nothing implied or wanted or anything awkward in the moment. For that short train ride we were just two buddies enjoying the comfort of being at ease. And judging by the smiles of the folks around us, it was contagious.

There are a few moments when you realize how awesome NYC is. Sure the people here can be brusque and maybe even rude and the transit system and the weather can suck. But at the heart of all that rushing, fast-paced, tough people existence the people of this city can just be calm and cool and helpful. We can all vibe off our energy and enjoy the crazy life trip we are all partners in, at least for awhile.

I nudge my stripper friend awake at Chauncey street, the stop before the Junction. She smirks and says "Good. I'm almost home and awake, no thanks to you."

"Yeah, whatever, girl," I say back. "Just get home safe and rest."

"Will do," she replies as we roll into her stop. "Thanks for the shoulder. Night."

"Night."

The train rolls on. The old lady and her friend (actually it was friends) ride with me to the last stop. The Latino woman about my age across for me has really enjoyed watching me interact with my dancing pal. When she finally gets to her stop, she smiles and says "You're nice. Have a good night."

 "Take care," I say back, realizing that if I didn't sit next to that chick and she didn't ask for the use of my brawny man shoulders then we wouldn't have exchanged any words.

Wow.

Strippers can be magical.

So can this damn city.

I liked you for a brief moment, humanity. Thanks.

Please and thank you.

* I actually DID think about this guy when she asked me so I guess I'm a little better than I think of myself at times.

No One Wants To Be A Red Shirt*

*that title makes no sense and really doesn't even relate to this post but whatever, I haven't slept yet

It's early and I'm usually up around this time since I walk my mom to the bus pretty much daily. I should be going back to sleep or trying to get some since I have work today and sleep is just good for you. I had planned on sleeping but thinking about a current situation made me get up and I wasn't able to get back to sleep. So, here we are and I just drunk a Red Bull Blue Edition which has no effect on me except making me want to pee but I enjoy the taste so let's see what I can get down before my body knocks me out. It may be more rambling than usual so I apologize in advance. This is pretty stream of consciousness right now.

Meek Mill's yelling will have to do the job these won't.

I've been thinking about a lot of my relationships recently, including the one that made me leave the comfort of my bed. I've also been on a personal hiatus from dealing with people. This is a result of a few factors- needing a human break, figuring out how much effort others would put into our relationship when I stopped doing most of the heavy lifting*, recommitting myself to my New Year's goal of being more selfish and generally trying to get my shite together.

My New Year's goal has been going pretty piss poor. I HAVE been doing better than previous years, especially in these last 2 or 3 months but I have still been overextending myself for the people I care about and even a few who I'm "ehhhh" about. I blame it mostly on my upbringing. Although my younger years had craziness, I was raised by people who taught me to generally not be an asshole and look out for people. I've found that people I know are mostly good and it's kind of hard to break my habit of being there for others, even at my own expense.

But frak all of that! I'm going to still look out for people but I'm keeping the balance better and I come before anyone else, except my mom who is awesome.

So, selfishness is back in full motherfuckin' effect! Wait. It can't be back since it wasn't really here to begin with. I mean, selfishness is going down! (basement)

In addition to that, I have to admit something. I've been reading biographies and self-help books for awhile now. Like TWO YEARS "awhile." I think it comes from me trying to figure out me and find a solution for problems I encounter in life. I've never done this before because I've been more of a "free spirit"** and since I've been less flighty I've been trying to find my center.

Only kids and childish movie viewers like me will get this.

I've been looking for words of wisdom, good advice from successful people, bad advice from screw-ups,*** ideas on finding peace/"the way"/happiness. Hell, I even did a tarot reading and I REALLY don't believe in that voodoo shite. But, we all gotta pay "stupid tax" from time to time. It's why the lottery still exists.****

Anyway, I came to two conclusions from all of this motivational introspection and heavy reading-

1) There is some good universal advice. Universal truths do exist about certain things.

2) Everyone finds their own way to happiness. 

The first conclusion has helped me adjust some things in how approach people and situations. I have even started to compile the wisdom most helpful to me in a little leather book to get me through. It's my bible for remaining calm and finding the proper path for me.

No, really. I really did do this. Ask to see it if you see me.

The second conclusion is even more important. We all have different goals and have to get there in our own ways. And I know what you are thinking because I thought it as soon as I typed that sentence- "Duh. No shit, Sherlock." The thing is I know this and you know this but during those dark moments when we doubt ourselves or those horrible instances where we are envious of someone else's success/contentment, we often forget that simple fact. We can't live others' lives, we wouldn't want to if we knew what bullshit they had to deal with in their heads and very rarely is someone else's idea of happiness the same as ours. 

And with knowing and relearning both these facts you gotta sometimes make hard calls. It may be changing your focus or choosing a new path. It may be extricating yourself from a relationship or situation that's not beneficial to you. It may be reaffirming your commitment to a project/relationship/plan even when others doubt you. It may be making yourself less available to others and becoming more selfish. It may be being alone. It may be looking for a new tribe to hang with. It may be doing nothing because you are already happy on your current path.*****

Ultimately, you have to choose what's best for you and what's going to bring you your particular brand of happiness. The world turns whether you are content or not but the merry-go-round is less bumpy when you have joy in your soul.

Okay. My babbling in this post is done. I'm actually feeling better about everything and I think this post wasn't TOO terrible but I haven't reread it. Hold on.

Yeah.

Whatever. It is what it is.

Be happy, folks.

*answer-not a lot

**my pal once called me a "hippie", another called me a "man-whore." Both were valid calls, ref

***which is overlooked but is HIGHLY educational

****I'm highly pissed I loss last night's PowerBall and can't travel the world training like Bruce Wayne

*****fuck you. no, seriously, go to hell, you lucky bastard (joking...mostly)

So, I Have About Ten Post Done....

...or pretty much done. Or at least done to the level that if I take another 5-10 minutes with them I would be cool with posting them on here and here and here.

But I haven't posted anything really lately.

And it's not that I'm afraid or even being lazy (shocker) about it or even falling into the internet wormhole of random searching. Or at least not too much of the last one.

I don't really know exactly why I haven't put up anything. I don't really censor myself much here, particularly not when I'm the one to be potentially embarrassed. It's just been about a month or so of being shocked by different news events, questioning myself and, specifically, most of my relationships with other human beings. Things like how I interact with folks, how people interact with me, what I accept, what's my boundary line, how much effort I'm going to put into people and things... It goes on and on and I sometimes think I should share this with someone but those I would normally share this kind of thinking with are the ones who are in these thoughts. It's crazy.

So, I've dedicated myself to figuring out what is going on and resolving these issues. It's not going to be fun and I'm probably going to be more upset, mostly with myself, but this is the way to move forward and not totally become that dude that lives alone in the mountains growing a beard.*

While I work on all that I'm going to do my best to post those blogs, complete some good stories and basically get my shite back together.

Gotta boost brand ME and make that the priority. Everything else falls into place after that.


*that ACTUALLY sounds alright, as long as I have a pet and reliable internet.

The Most Interesting Man In The World*

*or the closest thing to it in the group of dudes I know

"Let's say that there's an event and people around me get invited and I'm not invited. Some part of me will feel like a failure. How can you not? The real me knows that it's just an event, but doubt enters my mind about why I'm not there. Is it because I'm not good enough?"
- Questlove, Mo' Meta Blues

I have a friend from high school who is living the life. Actually, I have a few friends from high school who are living the life but this guy is perhaps the closest in what people that are single would consider "the life." He travels a great deal, always is up for a good time, gets me involved in shenanigans so noteworthy I have to scroll through photos on my phone from the night before to gain an accurate view of what happened, Memento style*, and he is never without a pretty and/or cool lady around.

So, this guy but younger and blacker.

What always amazes me is the fact that he always contacts me to hang out when we are in the same town. I mean I used to be a real barrel of monkeys and can still be pretty chill but I'm DEFINITELY am a Triple-A player compared to his Yankees level party abilities. So, I think about it and what it means because, really, what better way to enjoy time with someone than to WAY over-think it and question yourself being in that moment? Or am I the only one?

Then I look at my other friends and see similar effects. If there is an event involving alcohol and music, then I get the call. It's like I'm the catalyst to up the ante or continue the party or break out "the shark fin."** Or be "the black guy at the party."

The flip side to this and what I have been noticing more recently is that I'm very rarely invited to just chill events or sometimes I don't even hear from my friends unless something is needed or a party is going down. This is due to a lot of factors I think, including but not limited to my friends getting married, having kids, working on life dream moves.... basically, a lot of things I think the world believes I should be doing at my age.*** And I understand. I totally get it. I understand if I'm not invited to the couples outing or people getting busy working on something that they don't just holler out of the blue.

It doesn't mean it's not frustrating or disheartening. I would like the random "wassup with you?" text, especially if you are just asking what is going on with me with no other reason behind it. For the most part, I'll probably respond and then ask you the same and you can complain/brag all you want afterwards anyway. I like to hear about people's lives, if they aren't boring as shite. Hell, I even like random e-mails that are funny; it at least tells me this person was thinking about something interesting/funny and thought about me.

I actually looked at my e-mails for the last week or so and after I cut out spam, e-mail blasts (do people still call them that?) and e-mail threads I started, I think I had maybe 2 e-mails from someone not wanting me to do something for them and just saying "hey" or "look at this."

This is reading as whiny to me but I do feel sort of forgotten at times and even if that isn't reality, the feelings still remain. I honestly don't mind being alone and sometimes appreciate but I also feel lonely during those moments when I think about my pals and how I don't hear from them in the same volume. People change and grow and evolve and live their lives. I get it. It just sucks a bit when you feel and fear that those people you care about are outgrowing you.

Okay. That was depressing and more sad at the end than I really feel. I don't age like Hancock but I'm sure someone would pick me up from a hospital. Preferably Charlize Theron. But that feeling of being a part of the world but separate and lonely at times? I get that.

Anyway, that's my sad sack moment for the night. I'm sure once I get busier and back on course about some things, I'll feel better. Don't cry for me, Internet. Just recognize that sometimes a friend just needs another friend to give them a shout for no reason. It makes them feel better and will probably do the same for you.


*I seriously only kind of remember the 2008 Election Night in LV and only pieced that together from phone pics.
**Inside joke; sorry, I'll try not to do that again. It's too much to explain; well, not really but I'm just lazy about it right now.
***I actually am trying on these fronts, trust me...except for the kid thing. Wrap it up, kids!

Connected Guy, No More*

* well, at least for this weekend

Taking a break from as much of humanity as I can for at least the weekend.

Maybe until Tuesday.

Very hard. You forget how much you rely on the internet and your phone. Even posting this is taking all of my restraint not to go to another random website or fall into the Wikipedia hole.

Hopefully this time off will allow me to think and straighten out some life stuff and some emotional stuff. Also, maybe I can really get to work on things I have begun and just haven't completed/uploaded.

Plus, I still got a lot to clear out on my DVR. I have NO IDEA what is going on with Once Upon A Time at this point. Maybe I can fix that. This is low priority though.


UPDATE: I'm back on the net. I have a problem and it's unfortunately no longer this.

New Readers- FYI

Just so you know, this blog is encapsulated in the following gif:

That is all.

Friendly reminder

WORD.

Talkin' Bout My Generation

Ahhh, Fall.

I like fall.

The leaves turn pretty colors. The summer heat begins to abate and it no longer feels like Hades outside. I can rock hoodies, which I love because I look good in hoodies and they make me look bigger. Pretty new college students sneaking into bars and clubs that I can look at like a creepy old man. Yes. Good times.

But maybe the real reason I like fall is the beginning of a new television season.

Now, this might not mean much to those who never had television turn off at a certain time of the day, who never had only about five channels to watch or don't remember not having a summer season. But it still means a good deal to me. Fall season starting for television means my old favorites like Fringe and Community are coming back. It also heralds the start of new series that I might waste my time on, such as Lone Star or Boardwalk Empire.

It also means that there are also shows that I'm avoiding like the plague- The Event(LOST multiplied by 4400;no thanks), Mike & Molly (you describe yourself as a fat-com and I'm out) and finally, My Generation.


Now, don't get me wrong. I'm sure this is a fine show for some people and the people on it are good actors. I'm just not going to watch it right now. This just seems like television about remembering the "good ol' days" of high school. The time when we were all dumb and hopeful. That's fine and I love watching old episodes of Dawson's Creek but I don't want to compare that against the cold reality of adulthood. All the dashed hopes and dreams unachieved.

For example, from what I can tell from the commercial it appears one couple got married because they got pregnant and the husband enlisted to support them, killing his athletic dreams. I admit that that is dramatic but it is also a bit of a downer.

I watch television generally as an escape from the mundane and this series hits a tad too close to home. Maybe that is saying too much about my life's course and my bad decisions but at the end of it all I'm gonna have to take a pass on this show for now.

Maybe I'll catch it after they cancel it like I did with October Road.

I'll probably watch that No Ordinary Family show though. Sure, it's pretty much just The Incredibles (which was just the Fantatic Four) but it'll be a cheesy distraction for like three weeks.

Fight or Flight

I would like to think of myself as a generally level-headed, easygoing guy. I try to mind my business as much as possible and not get involved in the affairs of others if I can. While this is certainly laudable (or I think it should be), my decision to not always speak up at every little thing is sometimes taken as me having a huge flight reaction.

On the other hand, when someone says something about my friends, or someone I'm just with or if I'm somewhat tipsy, my instant response is "I'm gonna break your face." This reaction has grown recently in my past few years and has been the side that my roommates have been exposed to so much to the point that I heard one of them commenting that he should invite a guy over and have me hurt him. Mind you I was in my room at 3 AM at this point and probably asleep in his head.

My problem is this- how do I balance my nice side which I like and I think the people who like me like a lot with the tune up the world side I try to keep under wraps?

I think a lot of time people seem to mistake my being quiet or kind or glossing over things for weakness. It's not. It stems from a fear of SNAPPING! I come from a family of SNAPPERS! From the oldest to the youngest. Just a question of degree. Someone shove you? SNAP! Someone was talking about you? SNAP! Who owes me money? SNAP! Any and everything was a pathway to an altercation, whether verbal or physical. A great deal of my childhood was just tests of toughness and not backing down. I failed a lot of these test because I was more concerned with getting through the day and not getting hurt. I didn't feel the need to prove myself in this regard as much as the others around me. My realm was books and being smart. (my younger self is the polar opposite of my later self) I was also scared since I kept a lot of emotions bottled up most of the time that my SNAPPING! would be so much worse and I wouldn't be able to stop myself.

This is not to say that I didn't have my SNAP! moments or points. Two that stick with me to this day is someone threatening my siblings and saying something about my mother. There are no solutions but SNAPPING! for me in those moments.

But as I have grown older I have noticed that although we are supposed to be a civilized society, a great many people only seem to respect or acknowledge physicality and violence. Just look at the rise in popularity of mixed martial arts (and yes there is discipline, training and honor in that but NO ONE would watch unless someone was getting punched in the face). And for all that shite about wanting a nice guy and someone caring, most people are going to go for that guy who can or appears that they can protect them in some way.

I get highly irritated when people doubt me or what I'm capable of in this regards. True, I'm not going to be the next UFC champ and I can't press 400 lbs. but I can guarantee I will walk through the worst neighborhoods and make it out with little trouble. Do not let the glasses fool you. When it comes down to it and its me or you losing, its going to be YOU. Every. Time.

So, where do I find this balance? How do I prove that I will fight without having to hit everyone from here to my house that accidentally jostles me? Or better yet, why do I have to prove myself to the world? The sad thing is I know I do and so do you.

Some of us are fighters and some of us aren't. Some of us talk shit and some of us don't. How can I live in balance?

My 15 Biggest Flaws

This way they are out in the open and don’t need to be re-hashed. Just tell me what number I’m doing like you are ordering something from Mickey D’s and I will try to address it in the situation. Or tell you to get over it.

1. I’m lazy- known this since about the 5th grade. I can get lazy about projects and things that aren’t right in front of me. But I always do my job and I do it well, no matter how much I may complain about it later and my curse of competency. I think a lot of people are like this; I just may be worse than the majority of other lazy souls. It’s not a lack of caring, I think. It just goes to a whole lot of other issues I have- such as not wanting to do things I don’t enjoy. This is my key flaw I’m trying to correct. Bear with me.
2. I focus on others too much- this is one of my own personal observations. I find I tend to do things for others at the cost of my own happiness/self-worth. I do it less and less nowadays but there are still times when I won’t do what I want to do for myself and will instead make sure others are alright. I often do this in my male-female relationships and it usually ends up with me alone and some cocky bastard winning off of my giving and time. (I’m forkin’ Good Luck Chuck) I also engage in this behavior with my friends and this can lead to me possibly resenting them for something or me hating myself, which I want not to happen on either count.
3. I mumble/don’t speak right on the phone- a few people have told me this. I don’t understand it. Weird phenomenon. May be due to me not being able to adjust my pitch to people unless they are directly near me or I just have a lot on my mind and at particular moments in the conversation it all tries to get out. I used to have a speech impediment when I was a kid so this should be something I can overcome.
4. I tell (white) lies- I don’t think I do this at all but since it was brought to my attention I will list it. My memory is generally pretty good 88% of the time so in those rare instances where I get something wrong it is usually due to miscommunication or my own unique phrasing and not outright lying.
5. I’m not adventurous- somewhat true. I do random shit like get up and leave work or travel across the country with no grand plan. I used to do more just random activities when I was in teens/early twenties but I guess I could be seen as not being that adventurous any longer. Trust me though, non-adventurous Sean, although less “fun”, is MUCH nicer than Adventure Sean. That guy was an ass, cared less about your feelings and would get you in some shite if you weren’t careful.
6. I don’t complete what I start- I don’t always and this is something I’m trying MAD hard to address. I need to complete my stories just so I can do what I want to do. This also goes back to #1- laziness.
7. I can become very taciturn- yeah, this one is me. This happens for many reasons- I truly have nothing to say/contribute, I’m thinking, I’m angry and am trying not to say some slick and/or hurtful shite, I’m not paying attention to what you say, I really want to just listen to you spin your tales or I just generally don’t want to talk right now. I’m not a big phone talker anyway so if you do end up on the phone with me for more than 7 minutes I must really like you and/or you are telling me something very interesting/important. Usually it’s or. Besides, see # 3. Do you really want my mumbly mouth yakking your ear off?
8. I don’t live healthy enough- I don’t. I hate exercise, don’t watch what I eat, sleep only a few hours a night and, although not so much anymore, party recklessly. Don’t see this changing anytime soon. The best you can hope for from me is tiny adjustments in this department.
9. I get frustrated. Quickly- I get angry slowly but can get frustrated quickly. This normally only happens with people I actually care about. Very rarely do I waste my time thinking about how a stranger or someone I don’t like is making me feel anymore.
10. I don’t express my feelings a lot- I don’t. That's why you didn't know about #9. I’m getting better but it is a very SSLLOOOWWW process-hence all the namby-pamby blogs. I’d rather type out what I want to say because I can make it more coherent and it gives me time to cool down from silly anger (an emotion I’m more intimately familiar with as opposed to vulnerability) like I did with this thing. See? I’m already cool as a polar bears’ toe nails again. Plus, I hate people knowing they have any sort of control over the way I feel. Hate it, son.
11. I’m too proud to ask for assistance- yup. This one is probably here for the long haul and is intrinsically connected to # 2. Don’t see me getting rid of this one since I feel it is a key trait of mine. #2 is too but I NEED to deal with that one before I just lose it one day and flip out on someone.
12. I do things out of spite- this can be a good thing and a bad thing. Good thing, you ask? Yes. Spite has motivated me in the past to try hard just because others said I couldn’t do it. Spite is also a bad motivator for me because it used to make me pursue things that weren’t good for me just to piss people off.
13. I think too much- how is this bad? Well, I can often build things up in my mind as more serious than they really are and this can occupy my thoughts and consequently my time. This leads back to 2, 6, 7, 8 and 10.
14. I judge people- now, I don’t outright say things about people and their actions but in my head I formulate opinions on them. Is it worse to say it aloud or keep it inside? I don’t know. What I do know is that I mostly think the worse of many individuals and when they do happen to do something wrong I am rarely surprised because they are just doing what I assumed they would do all along anyway.
15. I hold grudges- I still dislike certain kids from back in elementary school, still feel bitter towards my dad and still don’t like one of E’s boys from college. I have gotten better and let go of a lot of the past because it makes no sense to dwell on it but there are still some things I need to get over.

Anything else? I’m sure there are other things that can go on this list for me. Just a friendly reminder before you contribute- I don’t really take it personal if it is true. You who are gonna add or comment should know this about me already anyways. I get upset about a situation/disagreement but I can always separate from the person making the statement and why I am cool with them to begin with. So, feel free to add something or message me with another one.
Especially, since all of you have similar and worse flaws like being stubborn, scattered, too accepting and judgmental, just to name a few. ;)
Have a good one, you motor boating sonsuvabitches.