Tuesday TMI Tag

Trying to recapture some steam and I find doing something that requires little thinking and just getting the fingers and muscles moving helps sometimes. With that in mind I decide to answer one of these TMI things. I found this one on Hannah Harto's YouTube Channel and after changing a few questions that don't apply to me, I answered 50 questions. Enjoy.


What are you wearing?- It's hot today in NYC but I'm rocking a light hoodie, jeans, and boots because I really don't plan on going outside or far for the remainder of this day. Maybe after the sun sets. So I'm wearing my "Spring Usual."
Have you ever been in love?- I think so. If not, pretty damn close.
Have you ever had a terrible breakup?- Not on my part. Okay. That sounds dickish but I really don't think so. I also don't think it has been terrible on the other person's side either, although one was probably more pissed at me then the others.
How tall are you?- 6' or 182.88 cm, if you don't live in this crazy country.
How much do you weigh?- I'm floating around 192 lbs/87 kilos nowadays.
Do you have any tattoos?- 6. All on my upper arms/shoulders. I might get a few more to complete a half sleeve on one arm and to cover up one but nothing more than that.
Any piercings?- No. Never had any in my life. I'm not a real big piercing dude which is weird because I don't mind needles but I've just never been a fan, even on others that much.
OTP?- One True Pairing. Hmm. Dunno. I guess I'll stick with comic books for this one like I normally do and say Kate Bishop/Hawkeye and Eli Bradley/Patriot. Think those crazy kids could have worked it out.
What's your favorite television show?- Of all time is probably Married With Children. I can still quote most episodes. Currently it's Orphan Black.
What is your favorite band?- I listen to a lot of hip-hop and R& B but I'll say the band that I probably enjoy the most is Foster The People.
What is something you miss?- My good knees. Joking. I don't know. I miss people but something... Maybe my boundless optimism.
What is your favorite song?- Currently it's Alright by Kendrick Lamar but the combo of Run To The Sun/Stay Together by NERD is definitely an all-time contender.
How old are you?- 35 years young.
What's your Zodiac sign?- Sagittarius
What quality do you look for in a partner?- I'm gonna assume this means qualities, plural, and give my basics- honesty, intelligence, humor, loyalty, compassion and passion. And curves.
What is your favorite quote?- "What we have to remember is that we can still do anything. We can change our minds. We can start over. Get a post-bac or try writing for the first time. The notion that it’s too late to do anything is comical. It’s hilarious. We can’t, we MUST not lose this sense of possibility because in the end, it’s all we have."- Marina Keegan This was written for 22 year olds graduating college but I think it's important to always remember this. She lost her life in a car crash five days after saying this but she definitely was going at life correctly.
Who is your favorite actor?- Tough call. My go to is usually Brad Pitt but he always plays the same roles and isn't the best. My current top three are Denzel Washington, Tatiana Maslany and Charlize Theron.
What is your favorite color?- Blue.
Do you prefer loud music or soft music?- Weird question. I'm going to go generally with soft unless I'm outside at an event. Yeah, totally depends on venue and company or lack thereof.
Where do you go when you are sad?- On walks. No particular place lately but it used to be the beach.
How long does it take you to shower?- About 8 minutes but this varies.
How long does it take you to get ready?- 25 minutes about. Depends on preparation.
Ever been involved in a physical fight?- Yup. Nothing at all recent and the later ones were just me intervening for someone.
Turn on?- Brains. Do with that what you will.
Turn off?- Lack of brains.
How many siblings do you have?- Time to break out the abacus. Frak it. Just gonna keep it as simple as possible. 6. I'm gonna go with 6.
Fears?- That I won't succeed and will disappoint folks. Or, conversely, I'll change my life to satisfy others at my own emotional distress.
The last thing that made you cry?- Don't remember what made me outright weep but watching The Inevitable Defeat of Mister and Pete made me misty.
When was the last time you said you love someone?- This morning. Texts count right?
Where is your favorite place to relax?- This can be almost anywhere and it depends on the company or if I want to be alone. The benches on the boardwalk near Beach 20th St. in Far Rockaway can still work I believe. Even when it is drizzling. Maybe it's the familiarity.
What was the last book you read?- Three Parts Dead by Max Gladstone. It's a book about magic and gods and deathless kings and the law. So, oobviously, right up my alley.
What book are you currently reading?- West Of Jesus by Steven Kotler, It's about spirituality and the brain and the quest for a shared story. Or, as it says on the cover, "Surfing, Science and the Origins of Belief." That's more accurate than my description I guess. Good so far. Very good.
What was the last show you watched?- Broad City season finale. I'm going through my ridiculously full DVR. I should be WAY more productive with the amount of shows I don't watch.
Who was the last person you talked to?- My grandmother because we are in the same area, both on computers.
What is the relationship with the last person you texted?- Complicated? No. Actually, it's pretty simple; I think we just make it more complicated than it needs to be and distance is definitely a factor in that. Think people generally overcomplicate the important things when those should be the simplest at their core.
What is your favorite food?- Burgers or salmon.
Where is a place that you would want to visit?- New Zealand or Brazil.
Where was the last place you were?- Library. No, the bodega. Need to go to the laundry though.
Do you have a crush?- See the text question about 4 questions back,
When was your last kiss?- Geez. Been awhile for a non-platonic or non-familial one. If we are talking about the platonic/familial variety, then Sunday and my grandniece.
When was the last time you were insulted?- Don't even remember. Sure my friends have jokingly dissed me but I can't think of a serious insult.
What is your favorite flavor of sweets?- Chocolate anything
What instruments do you play?- None. Wait. Beatbox. Horrible beatbox.
Who is your favorite fictional character?- Wow. This is hard. I'll just go with the first person that popped into my head- Kara "Starbuck" Thrace from the newest version of BSG. This will probably change if I think about it but I'm going to stick with that answer.
What was the last sport you played?- Maybe basketball. I need to get active, cuz.
What was the last song I sang?- What I Do by Young Jeezy.
Are you religious?- I would say that I'm not. I definitely don't adhere to The Big Three out here and don't think that a higher power is looking out for me or has "a plan" for me. I do see the pluses of Buddhism and don't want to be an atheist. I would like to believe in some entity that is smarter than us or at least an universe that has some long run purpose even if I'll or anyone will ever know what it is. I DO believe in the good underpinnings of religion and the idea of community and The Golden Rule which seems to be the central pillar of all things good about the religious path. Wish more people believed in that core tenet. The world would be cooler, dude.
What superpower would you choose?- I used to go with superstrength or flight when I was little and then either superspeed or telekinesis lately. Truthfully, it would be chronokinesis or time-travel. I would try to see the creation of the universe and change some choices I made, maybe give advice to a younger me or go to the future. And, yeah, I'd probably kill Hitler and hope that doesn't make everything worse.
When was the last time you hung out with anyone?- Anyone? Niece and her kid on Sunday. Party status was Saturday for a celebration of my newly(ish) wedded friends at a cocktail party that I did not hate at all which is unusual for me. It was probably because it was laid-back, good food, non-fake conversations and Queen Majesty and DJ Evil Dee spinning for the night. Also at my usual spot to hang out at.
Who should answer these questions next?- YOU! Let me know your answers. Hit me up.

February Sweeps

I decided to take off February. I was working less this month and the preceding months (and years) have been other people heavy. Even when I am out having fun it was usually the result of meeting up for someone else's event/benefit/thing.* I also have been doing extra work looking after people or just picking up the slack because I feed into that "if I don't do it..." mentality a lot of the time which is stupid. It's the way I have been built.

Like a sexy Terminator with a Marty McFly fashion sense.

So I decided to make this February the Month Of Me. I would focus on starting to adopt habits that would make me a better person- emotionally, mentally, financially and spiritually. I would try to become a better adult and work hard at moving from the back of the pack. I would also focus less on others. The only exceptions would be for my mother, those who can't care for themselves (babies, kids and animals I encounter) and anything I had already agreed to before this month began. No new promises. No new agenda.

Also, I would catch up on my DVR shows.

Oh, how I miss you...

Have I've been successful? Moderately. A lot of the time it has involved putting my phone on Do Not Disturb or turning it off completely, fighting my urge to respond to things immediately that aren't work/money related and generally ignoring non-Sean stuff. It's hard and I backslide at times. When you care about folks it's hard to turn it all off, particularly when those folks are screw-ups and/or extremely anxious. But it's necessary.

This is not to say that I'm not thinking about others. My friends are definitely a source of determination and dedication and my family is a source of strength.** I'm inspired by what they have accomplished and their focus. They're amazing and I plan to become as amazing one day soon.

I'm happy with how I'm proceeding but I need to go harder. I have to get back in shape** and meditate more and just push forward without trying to have dreams about what might be. I think it will all come together but I gotta keep up the work. Keep my head down and go forward.

*This is only partially true. When I'm hanging with my friends, it's because I love them and enjoy their company. But I also many times feel like I'm out because they want to be there and not me.
**The non-crazy ones.
***Some would say not back BUT finally in shape.

The Doppler Effect*

The other day I ran into a doppelganger of my younger brother a few blocks from my home. Logically I knew it couldn't be him as soon as I saw him. My brother was at work and in a totally different borough. But this guy walked exactly like him. They were about the same height and coloring. They possessed the same gait. The outfit this guy had on looked similar to something that my brother would wear, if a tad bit baggier than his usual taste. He was even loudly singing along to rap music.

Basically a taller, lighter version of Tyrese in 1994.

Like I said I knew it wasn't my brother but as I passed this guy a thought passed through my head- "Wow. Another one."

You see, this wasn't the first person I encountered in my travel that possessed more than a passing resemblance to someone I know. I've seen versions of my friends walking in Midtown, hustling to places in the cold weather of the Northeast, riding on the J train and waiting with me at bus stops. I've known it wasn't them because we didn't acknowledge each other as familiar and most of the time the person they looked like was out of town so it couldn't be them.

The scariest is when I see old black men nowadays. Not all black men but certain older black men instantly make me think of my late father. The familiar smile at an inner joke, the crazy eyebrows, that familiar older black male stance of "I'm old, youngin', but I'll give you a lesson if you need it, son."

AKA The Morgan Freeman.

I think this might be a symptom of missing dude or maybe the universe is telling me I should listen to the voice of others that lives inside of me that tries to illuminate a correct course of action. Or maybe it's life telling me to not allow things to pass me by as an outside observer. That life is short and people move on and do what they love and grow and  expand and sometimes pass on and if I don't start doing the same I'm not doing what I should do. If you're not living up to your potential and just standing there as things flow around you, what does that make you?

Uatu- RIP

Or maybe all the people I know just look like a lot of other people. I know I have been told that I looked like pretty much every black male of a certain age ** and that was how I got the unfortunate nickname of Flusher in high school.*** Are we all Cylons secretly? Are we just variations on a few types of people, just moderately changed through time and genetic drift?

They have a plan...

This whole doppelganger thing is spooky, yo.



*I know the Doppler effect and doppelganger are two unrelated terms but it sounds good and this piece is also talking about things approaching and receding from a subject- me. So, there.
**Only sometimes said in a racist manner.
***You're smart. You can figure that one out. Use context clues.

blackfriday*

Turning 35. Wow. That means I'm about to reach that border land age on surveys before it turns over into people kinda but not really caring what you think about products unless it's for your kids. Whoa.

Anyway....

There is a belief that every seven years the human body goes through a cycle of rebirth. That every cell in our bodies becomes brand new and we pretty much have a whole, new form.** This brings me to the old thought experiment of the Ship of Theseus or the Theseus Paradox.

"The ship wherein Theseus and the youth of Athens returned from Crete had thirty oars, and was preserved by the Athenians down even to the time of Demetrius Phalereus, for they took away the old planks as they decayed, putting in new and stronger timber in their places, in so much that this ship became a standing example among the philosophers, for the logical question of things that grow; one side holding that the ship remained the same, and the other contending that it was not the same."

—Plutarch, Theseus

Essentially, the experiment asks if you replace the pieces of a ship piece by piece but assembled in exactly the same way, it it the same ship or a totally new vessel?

I'm not sure about the ship. I don't know if it is now truly different but I can answer that question for me. 

No. 

And yes. Very much yes.

No, because I'm still the same person at my core that I have always been. I still have hope that the world can be better than it is. I still trust people more than I should sometimes. I believe that science has the potential to allow us to do anything. I'm still boyishly handsome. *** I still like geeky things and am always excited for what the next thing I've never read before is going to be.

Yes, because the things at the top of my priorities lists are still there but they have shifted around. Some of the things I would argue for or against have committed a complete 180. My faith in humanity has declined and risen and declined again.

35 years of dealing with humans can do that.

I appreciate the things that are the same about me and the differences that have arisen over the years. Sean at 7, 14, 21 and 28 are different dudes with the same inner being. 28 year old Sean was definitely a VERY different guy in that crowd. 

He was also, apparently, a ninja from Shaolin. Not the temple but Staten Island.

As I approach this personal liminal time of year for me, I often look back on what has led me to this new year of being, as I imagine a lot of people do. That often turns into an intense dissection of my life choices swiftly moving into personal judgments of my shortcomings shifting down into wondering if my choices have negatively affected the bad choices of some of my family and comparisons to my friends and age-specific peers.

Me and this dude are the same age and he is married to Lisa Bonet. Are we even the same species?

This all, ultimately, spirals down into me being depressed about where I am, how I look, what I haven't done and a wish to return to 9th grade so I could make myself do crunches, stay in, write, not listen to what people wanted/expected to me to be and stop pining over random girls who won't be interested in me and look at the ones that were actually interested. 

But not this year. This hasn't been my best year but I think it has definitely been one of the years with the most inner growth. I have done all the stuff that I just listed and I have definitely traveled down a dark road or two with the line of thought described above. You can ask a few friends I have been drunk with about those moments. But I've also, and this is fairly recent, come to appreciate the better qualities I possess. Sure, I make stupid decisions sometimes but they are mine to make and maybe they aren't stupid but just silly seeming now. Maybe my subconscious is guiding me more than I thought.

My path is not the same as my friends or family or even what people think it should be. I have to live for myself. I got stuff to work on and improve but so does everyone. There are things I want and things I have learned that I want and I know I have to change and/or adjust my thought processes to attain them. I'm committed to that, with a little of the old "Sean sucks" mentality.**** I have potential and can do amazing things. Just gotta do 'em.

I think this next year can be great for me. No. Will be great. I have to embrace aspects of the new/potential me (completing things, communicating better) and definitely have to tap into the good stuff from the past versions of me (hope, confidence bordering on cockiness). If I get all this together, I foresee a great adult. Gotta get that balance. It's about time.

Happy Birthday, dude!

I'm gonna make the rest of my life as good as I possibly can. 

Watch.

*I went back and forth over that title. It was a tossup which included Adultish, 35 Years Young and Gray Hair, Don't Care.

**Some people also say it's ten and science calls "bullshit" because our bodies are in a constant state of cell death and/or birth. Neither of these works with my post so I'm sticking to seven years. Suck it, science.

***These are just facts, people.

****I'm not going to say none because a)I know myself and b)I also use some of those darker moments as fuel to do stuff.

Thor Odinson Vs. Norrin Radd

It should come as no surprise to anyone who reads this blog, is an old friend, follows me on Tumblr/Twitter/Instagram or even knows me a little bit that I'm a HUGE geek. I fall into the mostly sci-fi geek tribe nowadays but my base is comic books, like I imagine many people who are also in this tribe. Hell, that was partially how I learned to read. We usually begin as those weird kids who know how Rogue got her basic powers beside power/personality absorption,(1) can tell you who was in the originals Defenders line-up,(2) can name the founding members of the original Legion of Super-Heroes as well as their benefactor(3) and can explain to you the complicated family tree of the Summers family.(4) We grow and get picked on sometimes and sometimes graduate to more mature geeky readings and movies and TV shows, like Lord of The Rings, BSG and The X-Files. Us old geeks were geeky before it was cool to be geeky. We took those early blows so that you gals and guys could be comfortable in your geeky skins now.

You're welcome.

The person I need to thank who helped me (and therefore you neo-geeks) on this geeky path was my father. He showed me the Star Wars trilogy reinforcing the Hero's Journey, praised EightMan and gave me that early taste of anime and loudly talked throughout the premiere of Jurassic Park with the accompanying laughter of a surprisingly predominately Caucasian audience. He did all of this but most importantly he introduced me to comic books. He was an artist and comic books were an art form that could be enjoyed by a wide age-range. It encompassed ALL the possible stories that could be told by mankind, like all good science fiction. From a nerdy teen from Queens who got powers from a radioactive arachnid to a family of explorers fighting a mystical/technological Eastern European dictator to tales of soldiers in Vietnam to humanity fighting aliens in the far future for survival, comic books had it all. We loved them all but our favorites usually came from the Marvel vaults.

My father's favorite was The Mighty Thor. It was Stan Lee, Larry Lieber and The King, Jack Kirby himself, at their most operatic and most bombastic. Many other writers followed but I think the Walter Simonson run was his favorite. It captured the original Journey Into Mystery feel with more flair. It was a story of generations and space gods doing battle with other gods and monsters.

I was meh about the whole thing. Thor was a product of the 1960s to the weird 1980s to me. He was a big, whiny, blonde guy who talked funny and had a hammer. Yes, he was mythic and could bring down great and terrible weather conditions but I already had Storm in the X-Men and she was a foxy Black woman so, there you go. I think my dad liked him because Thor was very much a part of the "epic hero saga." The Odinson's stories were about family issues at their heart and having companions that were fated to play roles until Ragnarök took them all. I think the destiny thing worked for my dad because the actual life people live is not written out by the universe for us. There is comfort in that story, even if your fate is to fall in Ragnarök after defeating the Midgard Serpent Jörmungandr, who ultimately poisons you. It is a doomed end but it is also a noble and heroic one. A "manly end."

I could take or leave this big, flaxen haired warrior when I was younger but dad introduced me to another Lee/Kirby creation. An argent agent of a massive purple humanoid force of nature. The herald of the universal planet eater, Galactus. He was Norrin Radd of doomed Zenn-La, also known as the Silver Surfer.

Yes, he was also a bit whiny but I got his complaints. Thor was a child angry at his father with vast powers and some weird anger issues. The Silver Surfer had legitimate beefs. He was a smart dude yearning to explore on a planet of people that were very comfortable with their condition on an Utopian world. Despite this, he sacrificed his life and soul to save them and the woman he loved. He came to Earth and recognized the nobility of these aliens called humans that were very similar to him. He rebelled against his master, saved another planet of people and was rewarded by being trapped there. He complained a bit but he had adventures still and accepted his conditions with bravery and a stoic, at times, resolve. Plus, he "surfed" and I lived a block from the beach.

I understood this dude.

I liked this dude.

You know who I'm rooting for here, folks.

Norrin was a loner with a broken heart looking for other weirdos who understood him. He was a traveler, always looking for the next lesson, the next adventure. He rebelled against authority. All of these qualities oddly got to me when I was a young kid, before anything similar happened to me.(5) And he kept evolving. He eventually got off of Earth and had crazy space adventures and fought mad gods and teamed up with the angry duo of The Hulk and Namor, who I still say is the dickiest of all characters except maybe Black Adam. They even have similar dickish haircuts but let's move on.

Dicks.

Looking back, maybe the reasons why my dad gravitated to this Nordic space god and I went for the silver rider of cosmic waves were simple. All of the time he was with us dad had family that wasn't really family. I was introduced to people my father grew up with, all his friends. People he loved and treated as family but weren't blood. His family wasn't around or he didn't connect with them or vice versa. I didn't meet any of my father's family until his funeral last month. He has one sibling, a brother, that I've never seen or met but my father would always say that "Sean, you are exactly like him. I had my brother's child." He picked his family and  created his family from his friends and his children that he raised to varying degree. Maybe Thor being pretty much a family saga called out to something deep in his psyche and soul. That feeling of being connected by fate, destiny and blood that he was missing.

All related.

And if that was the case, maybe the opposite was why I liked the Silver Surfer so much. I have a TON of family. Always have and they have, usually, been near or around me. My cousins have lived in the same house as me at a few points or down the street or a couple of blocks away. I've always had an uncle living in the same house with me; I have one doing so right now. My grandmother always lived above me. My younger brother and I are usually in close proximity to each other and my oldest sibling always used to come by and forced me to not sleep in my own bed when I was little. My life has always been lousy with family. (6)

But even with all this family, I've felt alone many times. Not lonely but alone. I've always searched out for more people like me, who shared similar likes and dislikes. My family is filled with smart people but I was always the geeky, weird guy reading the encyclopedia in the empty bathtub. I was the non-fighter of my siblings. The well behaved one. The one who would go down this already prescribed path to success.

I wanted out.

I liked to go exploring. I tried different things. I was the guy who would hop on a plane to try somewhere new or go for a visit to a friend nowhere near me. (7) My sister and her family moving around helped me to scratch my new place itch at times. I moved out to Vegas.

I also loved being around my new like-minded and mostly geeky or nerdy friends. But, I also liked being alone. Going for walks by myself. Sitting at the beach, solo. Exploring the church on campus. Maybe it because I didn't always fit in with my friends either. They seemed more sure of themselves. They were/are certainly cooler than me. I would and still get into my "Sean needs to be alone" moments.

I was Norrin Radd. (8)

Mr. Solo Dolo.

Maybe I'm reading too much into our preferences on who was the better character in these old funny books. I'm no psychologist. I think I might be partially correct about my dad and I feel pretty confident that I'm 90% right about my own self-diagnosis.

Yeah, this seems right.

Either way, I owe that DAD guy a lot. Not just for half my DNA but for the love of this geeky life he gave me. He provided the foundation to build on. I wasn't always his fan and we didn't always see eye to eye on certain things, comic book characters being one of those things, but I always loved the man. That love was expressed in our discussions about who would win in a fight or which characters had the best story arcs or why he loved Lord of the Rings so much and, as he got sicker, what was going on in the universes of four color heroes. It was how we connected, like the way he connected with my other siblings through talking about their kids, or boxing or basketball. Me and my father had comic books, geeky movies, drawing things and the whole landscape of science fiction. 

So far, at least in the movie world, his guy is beating my guy. I like the cinematic Thor WAY more than the Silver Surfer in the Fantastic Four movies. But, I'm not giving up on my guy yet. Maybe someone will do my guy justice. Maybe I'll do him justice because that might be the most important thing I got from my father- a belief that anything was possible. 

Tales could be created and you could bring things into existence if you put enough effort into creating characters, ideas and concepts that people could relate to and adopt for themselves. Thor or Silver Surfer, if you could get behind them as more than characters, could become real in your world. You could give them life like the masters that did it before you.

My father created life through me and his other kids and their kids. He touched the life of his wife in immeasurable ways. He was a beloved man by his friends and co-workers and pretty much anyone that encountered him. He might not have realized all his dreams but he is certainly inspiring me right now to go after mine. I'll always love him for that.

Thanks, Dad. I won't bust Thor's chops (too much) anymore, for you. Maybe we'll meet again, pass the rainbow bridge Bifrost and Heimdall's all-seeing eyes in Valhalla, in eternal Asgard. (9)

I can imagine it. I owe you that.

(1) She absorbed Carol Danvers powers AKA Ms. Marvel, who is now Captain Marvel and got her powers from a Kree device and took her name from Mar-Vell, also know as Capt. Marvel. Ms. Marvel is now Kamala Khan.

(2) Dr. Strange, Namor and the Hulk. Some people often include Silver Surfer but he wasn't in the original mission versus The Nameless One and The Undying Ones.

(3) Cosmic Boy, Saturn Girl and Lightning Boy(Lad). I guess you can include Superboy in there if you want. They were financed by RJ Brande.

(4) Do you have a few hours and a whiteboard?

(5) Well, maybe I was always a loner looking for "my people" but definitely no real heartbreak then. That didn't happen until like 6th grade when I was old and experienced.

(6) I mean "lousy" in the best way, guys. I love you all.

(7) Living on the last stop on the A train helped with that as well.

(8) I might still be Norrin Radd. I dunno.

(9) And Heimdall is a Black dude in our version too.

Trying

I think I'm going to commit myself to writing something on this blog daily. I'm going to post my other random stuff and blogs I already have been working on but I think I'm going to steer this thing a little bit back to the original idea I had for this thing- helping me work through stuff by putting it down and getting it out of my head. I have a lot of emotions and ideas flitting through my head throughout the day and weird encounters sometimes when I leave my house. I usually write them down or keep it in my brain with the plan of writing them out but somehow I get sidelined with life and it doesn't get done.

So, now, I'm going to commit myself to take an hour and write something here. It'll be like journalling but in the open and less soft sounding. I gotta come up with a different name besides blogging or journalling? Scribblin'? Jottin'? I'll figure it out. Maybe something relating to stream of conscious because this will probably end up being similar to that. Regardless it should prove helpful to me and work into my plan to get my life back on a more concrete schedule of doing things, outside of having a crazy and at sometimes non-existent sleep schedule. Been slipping for awhile in many aspects of "living swell" but that's for another blog entry later this week.

Today is about me and my undercurrent of misanthropy.

Hate, hate, hate!

I'm what most people would consider an easygoing and agreeable soul. I try to be empathetic to others and generally stray from extremes in arguments.* I like to hear both sides of a story and care about how people are feeling. When I say that, I don't mean I care about how people feel about me (outside of friends and family) but I mostly want everyone to feel at ease and comfortable around me. Happy people make me happy. Sad and hurt people make me upset.

Have you ever heard of the Tzadikim Nistarim? Well, to keep it shorter than this, It's this esoteric Judaic/Kabbalistic belief that there are at any given time 36 righteous people on this planet that keep the rest of us alive by being saintly or caring about others and protecting them even without being a public figure or getting credit. If one dies, they would have to be replace or the world would come to an end. That's some heavy shit right there, b.

36. We need 'em.

Now, I'm not saying I'm one of these enlightened figures. Not even close and I doubt I would crack the top billion of people who REALLY care about others but I definitely get those moments when I feel like the whole world needs help and I need to do something about it. Or on a smaller scale I need to protect and watch out for the people in my immediate circle, be that figurative or literal.

With all that said I also CANNOT STAND PEOPLE sometimes. I know, I know. "Everyone feels like that, guy. It's human nature." And usually, I understand exactly where my annoyance level with folks come from. I clearly see the actions they have taken to get me to that point. For example, I walk my mother to catch the bus to work every morning pretty much at 4 AM which is an ungodly hour. I sleep for about 45 minutes before I have to do this nightly and I'm already not a morning person. The bus she has to catch is always a couple of minutes late which makes no sense since I live right at the first stop. So, my mother tells me today that she got on the bus yesterday, which was late, and not 3 seconds on the bus the driver says "You can't say good morning?"

REALLY? FUCKIN' REALLY?

The only thing stopping me from getting on the bus this morning and BARKIN' at this jackassery was my mother. I was already irritable for being up and you are coming with the slick talk? I should put my paws on you. Maybe push you through your windshield, partna.

Puny bus driver.

Now, my reaction to that, though extreme, can easily be traced back to a source- early morning and clown shoes behavior by some old bus driver. Pretty much within the boundaries of normal human thinking, I think.

My issue that I have is that I get extreme with it or it comes from a weird place that it shouldn't.

Yesterday I'm at the laundry washing my clothes. I arrive there in a decent mood and I usually don't have problems there. The machines aren't always up to snuff but the ladies there are pretty nice and look out if the problem is on their end. It's crowded and there is a woman complaining about how her machine isn't drying her clothes correctly. She gets in it a bit with one of the ladies there who handles the situation in a calm manner. For some reason, I get pissed for her.

I have this weird thing where people feel the freedom to talk to me randomly about bullshit or complain. I see this lady coming back around to where the washers are still complaining to I assume her family and another random lady or two who give her the head nod of agreement. At this point my annoyance has transformed into the "I wish she would" desire in my head.** I already plan to shit on her problems with her wet clothes and bring up larger current events LOUDLY so she feels bad for being a dick. I guess she could tell what I had tumbling in my mind because she walked right pass after looking at my face.

Castle forgot his fabric softener. This will end badly.

Or maybe she could tell my secondary thought which was "I wish some large ravenous wolves came in here and ate your whole face off while I laughed like a Sean the Barbarian the entire time." Yeah. It was probably that.

See? That's my thing. I LOVE humanity but I HATE people. I want to see the best for us as a whole species but I get these moments where I want entire swaths of people to be mowed down by some vengeful force, usually me when I imagine it. I want to save us all but a lot of the time I'm like "Naw. They ain't worth it."

Maybe I'm not really a nice guy and IT IS about me wanting people to like and accept me. Maybe the caring and doing the extra step and worrying is a facade to cover monster inside. Maybe I'm the bad guy.

ARRRGGHHH!!!

Naw. People are just irritating jerks sometimes. I just gotta not do what's in my mind and find a way to express my negative emotions in a healthy way.

* This doesn't apply to being a racist, sexist, ignorant of scientific fact, etc. Obviously.
** This happens a lot. It might be a more of a "black person" thing and would go a long way in explaining our blood pressure issues. That and a history of oppression and cultivating bad habits.

RESOLUTIONS

THAT IS ALL.

Bullshite/Just Do It

I've come to a realization.

No, not a realization but something obvious that I already knew but have a tough time applying to the reality because, well, I'm me.

I need to write and there is no valid excuse not to be writing pretty much whenever I get a free moment.

I mean, I already kinda do but those writing jags come in bursts and I have full ideas for stories that I've either a) have completed only in my head b) should be stopped/put off for later because I don't have a really good ending or c) have not uploaded/shared.

A lot of the time I invent excuses for not writing and the big one is always access to the necessary equipment, ie a computer.

This is bullshit.

People were writing before these magical boxes were created. Hell, I was writing before this thing. I still write with pen and paper mostly now anyway. The only thing about not having constant access to a computer is a valid excuse for is the quantity of content put on the internet by me. I can update my Tumblr and Pinterest pretty regularly so there should be no reason for me not to do the same with these blogs.

So, time to stop the bs and just do it. Throw up (good) work and get this noise in my head out into the world on a consistent basis as opposed to those nights where I'm in the zone.

Keep me honest, Russians and Latvians.

Vision

As I've gotten older, I've learned to want more stuff. I used to not care about stuff and I still don't think about it as much as other people I know. I've been told I live a spartan lifestyle and I embrace it, both by choice and circumstance. But, I also like cool stuff* and things that "speak to me", as cliche as that sounds.

I've also have had a vision of myself in the near future (5-10 years from now currently) running in my head at various times since about 2006. I think people do this a lot, specifically when you imagine a lottery win or something. Elements vary but for the last few months the vision has sorta solidified in my head.

The following is a list of my daydream/hope to make real life stuff I want-

#small house near a beach (I need water and I hear Southern Cali calling)
#art on walls (This is a throwback list)
#nice, small backyard with covered deck, something I can work on
#shed for tools necessary to work on stuff, also maybe a cool hidden spy wall
#writing room with illustrated wall, corkboard, whiteboard
#jeep wrangler or similar (reminds me, I NEED to get a new license)
#comfy clothes
#nice bank account (I don't need to ball out of control but check to check is wack sauce)
#books written, done and working on new projects
#comfy couch
#cool bedroom
#nice extra bedroom
#punching bag and weights
#baseball caps that look good on me

Stuff in my pocket of jeans below the faded Superman t-shirt I'm wearing
#slim wallet
#keys to something just for me
#decent, sturdy phone (maybe a G'Zone)
#multitool with knife
#headphones
#gum
#watch (I need to start wearing watches)
#dog tags
#rubberbands
#pen
#paper
#lighter

That's it for right now. This list will change but this is pretty close to the image in my head right now of Future Sean.


*Just a heads up, if you want to see this kinda represented in visual form because I don't feel like cutting and pasting images right now go to http://pinterest.com/kalthrace/boards/ and check out my interests. This stuff is mostly inspired or inspires the board called Cool Stuff.

No One Wants To Be A Red Shirt*

*that title makes no sense and really doesn't even relate to this post but whatever, I haven't slept yet

It's early and I'm usually up around this time since I walk my mom to the bus pretty much daily. I should be going back to sleep or trying to get some since I have work today and sleep is just good for you. I had planned on sleeping but thinking about a current situation made me get up and I wasn't able to get back to sleep. So, here we are and I just drunk a Red Bull Blue Edition which has no effect on me except making me want to pee but I enjoy the taste so let's see what I can get down before my body knocks me out. It may be more rambling than usual so I apologize in advance. This is pretty stream of consciousness right now.

Meek Mill's yelling will have to do the job these won't.

I've been thinking about a lot of my relationships recently, including the one that made me leave the comfort of my bed. I've also been on a personal hiatus from dealing with people. This is a result of a few factors- needing a human break, figuring out how much effort others would put into our relationship when I stopped doing most of the heavy lifting*, recommitting myself to my New Year's goal of being more selfish and generally trying to get my shite together.

My New Year's goal has been going pretty piss poor. I HAVE been doing better than previous years, especially in these last 2 or 3 months but I have still been overextending myself for the people I care about and even a few who I'm "ehhhh" about. I blame it mostly on my upbringing. Although my younger years had craziness, I was raised by people who taught me to generally not be an asshole and look out for people. I've found that people I know are mostly good and it's kind of hard to break my habit of being there for others, even at my own expense.

But frak all of that! I'm going to still look out for people but I'm keeping the balance better and I come before anyone else, except my mom who is awesome.

So, selfishness is back in full motherfuckin' effect! Wait. It can't be back since it wasn't really here to begin with. I mean, selfishness is going down! (basement)

In addition to that, I have to admit something. I've been reading biographies and self-help books for awhile now. Like TWO YEARS "awhile." I think it comes from me trying to figure out me and find a solution for problems I encounter in life. I've never done this before because I've been more of a "free spirit"** and since I've been less flighty I've been trying to find my center.

Only kids and childish movie viewers like me will get this.

I've been looking for words of wisdom, good advice from successful people, bad advice from screw-ups,*** ideas on finding peace/"the way"/happiness. Hell, I even did a tarot reading and I REALLY don't believe in that voodoo shite. But, we all gotta pay "stupid tax" from time to time. It's why the lottery still exists.****

Anyway, I came to two conclusions from all of this motivational introspection and heavy reading-

1) There is some good universal advice. Universal truths do exist about certain things.

2) Everyone finds their own way to happiness. 

The first conclusion has helped me adjust some things in how approach people and situations. I have even started to compile the wisdom most helpful to me in a little leather book to get me through. It's my bible for remaining calm and finding the proper path for me.

No, really. I really did do this. Ask to see it if you see me.

The second conclusion is even more important. We all have different goals and have to get there in our own ways. And I know what you are thinking because I thought it as soon as I typed that sentence- "Duh. No shit, Sherlock." The thing is I know this and you know this but during those dark moments when we doubt ourselves or those horrible instances where we are envious of someone else's success/contentment, we often forget that simple fact. We can't live others' lives, we wouldn't want to if we knew what bullshit they had to deal with in their heads and very rarely is someone else's idea of happiness the same as ours. 

And with knowing and relearning both these facts you gotta sometimes make hard calls. It may be changing your focus or choosing a new path. It may be extricating yourself from a relationship or situation that's not beneficial to you. It may be reaffirming your commitment to a project/relationship/plan even when others doubt you. It may be making yourself less available to others and becoming more selfish. It may be being alone. It may be looking for a new tribe to hang with. It may be doing nothing because you are already happy on your current path.*****

Ultimately, you have to choose what's best for you and what's going to bring you your particular brand of happiness. The world turns whether you are content or not but the merry-go-round is less bumpy when you have joy in your soul.

Okay. My babbling in this post is done. I'm actually feeling better about everything and I think this post wasn't TOO terrible but I haven't reread it. Hold on.

Yeah.

Whatever. It is what it is.

Be happy, folks.

*answer-not a lot

**my pal once called me a "hippie", another called me a "man-whore." Both were valid calls, ref

***which is overlooked but is HIGHLY educational

****I'm highly pissed I loss last night's PowerBall and can't travel the world training like Bruce Wayne

*****fuck you. no, seriously, go to hell, you lucky bastard (joking...mostly)

I Still Don't Understand Women

Yeah. The title pretty much says it.

That's all.

Well, you can make that "don't understand PEOPLE" to be truly accurate but I'm just talking about women right now.

Just sayin'.

Star Shine

I just saw a news report about this place- Star Shine.
I'm not really the guy who needs a shoe shine but I got kinda excited about this.

Not for the cleavage view of the women but for the idea of drinking at a new venue.
Growth or a problem with booze?
You decide.

Physical Current Contents of a Life

-socks
-3 pair of sneakers (one pair needs a thorough cleaning)
-underwear and t-shirts
-t-shirts with stuff on 'em
-khakis, lots of khakis
-4 or 5 pairs of jeans (but only like 2 I like to wear)
-2 nice shorts
-couple of b-ball shorts
-one pair of swimming trunks
-some dressy slacks, I think
-a giant pic of a drunken me that a friend took for one of his art projects
-3 or 4 USB flash drives
-non-working laptop with 2 (2!) working laptop cases
-books, a lot of books
-comic books, too many comic books
-a nice painting from a my best friend and his wife
-Kindle, again a gift from same friend (remind me to get him something nice when "I make it")
-lots of notebooks of various sizes with various things in them
-ripped wallet with business cards, MetroCards and not much cash
-beat up passport (which I REALLY need to renew)
-duffel bag
-2 pair of boots
-2 or 3 pair of shoes
-2 suit jackets (which might be too big or too small)
-4 or 5 hoodies
-3 or 4 jackets/coats
-sweaters, particularly a nice Mister Rogers-esque one which was a gift from a student
-4 or 5 sketchbooks
-2 or 3 bookbags
-little used weights (clarification- they aren't little in size, they are just not used as much as they should be)
-BlackBerry
-iRiver, which was very helpful during Sandy's landfall
-non-functioning camera (I really need a new one
-VAULTZ lockbox and contents (pics, dogtags, seashells, tickets stubs, etc.)
-slippers/sandals
-some DVDs (that I have to get back before this woman leaves town)
-Snuggie, blue, bright blue
-random little items (plastic gundam figure, little Buddha, sunglasses, RealD 3D glasses)
-baseball caps I don't wear (I still suck at pulling off that look)
-fancy hats, like 2
-pocket knife
-toothbrush
-electronic razor
-glasses because I am blind
- nail clipper with a Puerto Rican flag on it (???)
-2 or 3 bandanas
-random junk I can probably toss (papers with outdated/bad ideas, stolen memorabilia, stupid things I'll never use, old certificates, disks, etc.)

Future Shock

Anyone who knows me knows that I love watching HGTV and DIY Network. I'm an addict about those networks programming almost to the state that I'm an addict about sci-fi geekery. I love building stuff and seeing cool ideas come together and those two stations (do people still say "stations"?) are perfect for that.*

With that being said, there are certain shows I don't watch on HGTV ever. I avoid House Hunters, My First Place and House Hunters International, which is just HH for REALLY rich people. It's not that these aren't good shows and I have seen an episode or two when my mother was watching where I am interested in what is going on. But if I'm alone, I will switch the channel.

I often wondered why I did this. At first I thought it was boredom because no one was building a deck or knocking down a wall or putting in a big screen TV behind a mirror. I have needs and these are some of them when watching other people do stuff to their places of residence.

But, then, it hit me.

I don't watch these shows because it's about a future with owning stuff and family and being "locked in" with your life.

I have a fear about having a mundane existence and a weird inability to follow the rules of how I "should" mature and be living. This is funny because I know in my heart that I DO want to be a home owning guy with a backyard, a wife, a kid or a few, maybe a dog. But when I see these people on TV, I just go into Sean Shutdown mode. Either that or I turn into Dave Chappelle in these moments...

I don't know why it happens. Maybe it comes from some weird trauma I had or is my old teen self speaking up in my head, telling me dumb shite about "humanity is horrible" and "don't have a family" and "you'll just screw it up." I don't know. I couldn't tell you.

I'm going to think on it some more.

Anyway, I need to post something to get the typing fingers working and also this just popped in my head because I saw a commercial for HGTV. I got some stuff going/not going on (yeah, I'm still vague) but I will be putting up stuff on this and my Thracian Drive blog. I got all the ideas and most of it down; just got to make myself upload it. That's always the tough part for me.

I'm a weirdo. But y'all knew that. Why else are you here?



*btw, check out Diresta's channel on YouTube. He does awesome work there and on the MAKE Magazine channel.

New Readers- FYI

Just so you know, this blog is encapsulated in the following gif:

That is all.

Ramblin' Rundown

Here is list of roles I've been put in or adopted for myself at any given time in my life, good or bad.

Son
Brother
Half-Brother
Older Brother
Younger Brother
Step-Brother
Middle Child
Blerd*
Geek
Comic Book Geek
Gold Medalist**
National Merit Scholar
Juror***
Human IMDB
Drunk Pal
Uncle
Drunkle
Responsible Uncle
Cousin
Grandson
"The Black Kid"
"The Black Guy"****
Procrastinator
Friend
Best Friend
Dude I Know Through Friend
Non-Gay Gay Best Friend
Kinda Boyfriend
F-Buddy
F-Buddy Confidante
Tutor
Supervisor
Boss
Walker*****
Rom-Com Lover
Sci-Fi Geek
Reader
Blogger
Writer
Wingman
BBQer
Party Animal
Dancer

The Black Brad Pitt#
Flusher##

Poet
Coward
BSer
Lucky Bastard
Bastard
Pub Regular
Superman/Mr. Dependable
Jackass
Encyclopedia Brown###
Dude I Make Out With At The Club####

I'm sure there are more but this list is pretty long as is. Okay. Enough procrastination.


*Black Nerd
**It was for a Kodak/The NY Daily New Math competition when I was like 8. I still consider myself on par with Olympian Gold medalist like Gabby Douglas or Oscar Pistorius...okay, NOT Pistorius.
***Unfortunately not a Rural Juror.
****Just the older version of "The Black Kid." Like Pokemon evolution, you reach this state with training, experience points and hanging with white dudes in baseball caps.
*****Just a dude that walks; not a zombie.
#FACT- I invented this term in 1998. I got witnesses. I also did "tuxedos for no reason." Look, I'm just saying there is a lot of coincidences going down, man. Way too many.
##People told me I used to look like Usher hence the charming handle coined by one of my friends. They're the best.
###Not actually named after the popular character. I got this moniker from reading encycolpedias and being brown. (SEE BLERD ABOVE)
####I had a good run for some years. Been awhile.

2013

That is all.

TEN

Ten Random Things I Like (at this exact moment)-
just to get the blog writing muscles back up to snuff

1)LESBIANS- 

I know. I know. You are probably thinking "Pssstt. Typical guy." But trust me. My putting lesbian ladies on this list is not sexual in nature. And I also don't mean ALL lesbians. There is no one group that I'm totally cool with. That's weird. I do find myself enjoying chilling with lesbians more than hanging with gay dudes though. This is not a knock against the gay dudes I do hang with; I love y'all it's just I'm on the same page when I hang with ladies that like ladies. I don't have to impress them and their is no weirdness there....
Except for Hannah Hart. I think I have a crush on her and that might get strange.

I'd butter yo shit, girl...

2)IRISH PUBS- 

I miss McMullan's in Vegas.

I refer you to my other blog and my love of drinking and camaraderie. Irish pubs provide that 90% of the time. And if some awkward moment pops up, I'm less likely to Hulk out if I'm enjoying myself with a fine ale.

3)RUDE GIRLS- 

Damn, B!

I'm from New York City. I grew up in a neighborhood with tough girls and they were quicker to read you the riot act than in other areas. I'm familiar with their ways. They are also easier to read if they like you.

4)NICE LADIES- 

Okay, I know I JUST said I like rude girls but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate nice ladies. Nice people are awesome and when they smell good and have lady parts? That's even better. They confuse me but I at least know the confusion is coming from a good place.

5)90s MUSIC(or at least 90s HIP-HOP)- 

Quick. Turn on a radio.
Sucks, right?
All older generations say it but I'm finding that it's proving to be true- "Music now blows. The music I listened to as I grew up is much better." It probably mostly comes from the fact that the music is connected with experiences I had that help mold me into who I am today but.....nah. Music was just better. There is no possible way that you should have a party with crappy tunes if you have access to, at the bare minimum, 1990s era hip-hop.

These dudes could give you an hour of good music alone.

6)99¢ SLICE- 

Lint, ling, ahhh! Four quarters. FOOD TIME!!!

Recessionista life. Only thing better? 75¢ SLICE

7)BAD NEIGHBORHOODS- 

Home.

I'm not talking about "dangerous, Chief Keef's cousin will shoot you in the face" areas. I'm referring to neighborhoods where if you are from the outside looking in or just follow what the news say about it, you'd think it was a bad neighborhood. Usually, if you visit someone that lives there, you'll find out that it really isn't horrible and most people are just trying to live their existence in peace and are on the same pursuit for the American Dream. I also find these areas to be more community like. They are generally accepting of more types of people, particularly when I compare it to certain upscale neighborhoods. They are far more welcoming.

8)BEACHES/POOLS/BBQ- 

Really just an excuse to post a pic of a wet Carrie Keagan.

I have found that less clothes usually equals less BS. (Except with too much testosterone and alcohol is involved but, really, isn't that everything?)

9)FALL- 

Yessir.

I don't just like Fall. I LOVE Fall. The weather, the fact that I can rock hoodies, the variation of colors. FACT- Fall is a cooler, sexier version of Spring.

10)SCI-FI(some fantasy)- 

I guess I just like the ideas of other realities besides this one. The whole "best of all possible worlds" scenario seems like BS to me particularly after watching the news for a little while. I think we all need that other universe to escape to sometimes.

Evolve to meet your future.