blackfriday*

Turning 35. Wow. That means I'm about to reach that border land age on surveys before it turns over into people kinda but not really caring what you think about products unless it's for your kids. Whoa.

Anyway....

There is a belief that every seven years the human body goes through a cycle of rebirth. That every cell in our bodies becomes brand new and we pretty much have a whole, new form.** This brings me to the old thought experiment of the Ship of Theseus or the Theseus Paradox.

"The ship wherein Theseus and the youth of Athens returned from Crete had thirty oars, and was preserved by the Athenians down even to the time of Demetrius Phalereus, for they took away the old planks as they decayed, putting in new and stronger timber in their places, in so much that this ship became a standing example among the philosophers, for the logical question of things that grow; one side holding that the ship remained the same, and the other contending that it was not the same."

—Plutarch, Theseus

Essentially, the experiment asks if you replace the pieces of a ship piece by piece but assembled in exactly the same way, it it the same ship or a totally new vessel?

I'm not sure about the ship. I don't know if it is now truly different but I can answer that question for me. 

No. 

And yes. Very much yes.

No, because I'm still the same person at my core that I have always been. I still have hope that the world can be better than it is. I still trust people more than I should sometimes. I believe that science has the potential to allow us to do anything. I'm still boyishly handsome. *** I still like geeky things and am always excited for what the next thing I've never read before is going to be.

Yes, because the things at the top of my priorities lists are still there but they have shifted around. Some of the things I would argue for or against have committed a complete 180. My faith in humanity has declined and risen and declined again.

35 years of dealing with humans can do that.

I appreciate the things that are the same about me and the differences that have arisen over the years. Sean at 7, 14, 21 and 28 are different dudes with the same inner being. 28 year old Sean was definitely a VERY different guy in that crowd. 

He was also, apparently, a ninja from Shaolin. Not the temple but Staten Island.

As I approach this personal liminal time of year for me, I often look back on what has led me to this new year of being, as I imagine a lot of people do. That often turns into an intense dissection of my life choices swiftly moving into personal judgments of my shortcomings shifting down into wondering if my choices have negatively affected the bad choices of some of my family and comparisons to my friends and age-specific peers.

Me and this dude are the same age and he is married to Lisa Bonet. Are we even the same species?

This all, ultimately, spirals down into me being depressed about where I am, how I look, what I haven't done and a wish to return to 9th grade so I could make myself do crunches, stay in, write, not listen to what people wanted/expected to me to be and stop pining over random girls who won't be interested in me and look at the ones that were actually interested. 

But not this year. This hasn't been my best year but I think it has definitely been one of the years with the most inner growth. I have done all the stuff that I just listed and I have definitely traveled down a dark road or two with the line of thought described above. You can ask a few friends I have been drunk with about those moments. But I've also, and this is fairly recent, come to appreciate the better qualities I possess. Sure, I make stupid decisions sometimes but they are mine to make and maybe they aren't stupid but just silly seeming now. Maybe my subconscious is guiding me more than I thought.

My path is not the same as my friends or family or even what people think it should be. I have to live for myself. I got stuff to work on and improve but so does everyone. There are things I want and things I have learned that I want and I know I have to change and/or adjust my thought processes to attain them. I'm committed to that, with a little of the old "Sean sucks" mentality.**** I have potential and can do amazing things. Just gotta do 'em.

I think this next year can be great for me. No. Will be great. I have to embrace aspects of the new/potential me (completing things, communicating better) and definitely have to tap into the good stuff from the past versions of me (hope, confidence bordering on cockiness). If I get all this together, I foresee a great adult. Gotta get that balance. It's about time.

Happy Birthday, dude!

I'm gonna make the rest of my life as good as I possibly can. 

Watch.

*I went back and forth over that title. It was a tossup which included Adultish, 35 Years Young and Gray Hair, Don't Care.

**Some people also say it's ten and science calls "bullshit" because our bodies are in a constant state of cell death and/or birth. Neither of these works with my post so I'm sticking to seven years. Suck it, science.

***These are just facts, people.

****I'm not going to say none because a)I know myself and b)I also use some of those darker moments as fuel to do stuff.

No One Wants To Be A Red Shirt*

*that title makes no sense and really doesn't even relate to this post but whatever, I haven't slept yet

It's early and I'm usually up around this time since I walk my mom to the bus pretty much daily. I should be going back to sleep or trying to get some since I have work today and sleep is just good for you. I had planned on sleeping but thinking about a current situation made me get up and I wasn't able to get back to sleep. So, here we are and I just drunk a Red Bull Blue Edition which has no effect on me except making me want to pee but I enjoy the taste so let's see what I can get down before my body knocks me out. It may be more rambling than usual so I apologize in advance. This is pretty stream of consciousness right now.

Meek Mill's yelling will have to do the job these won't.

I've been thinking about a lot of my relationships recently, including the one that made me leave the comfort of my bed. I've also been on a personal hiatus from dealing with people. This is a result of a few factors- needing a human break, figuring out how much effort others would put into our relationship when I stopped doing most of the heavy lifting*, recommitting myself to my New Year's goal of being more selfish and generally trying to get my shite together.

My New Year's goal has been going pretty piss poor. I HAVE been doing better than previous years, especially in these last 2 or 3 months but I have still been overextending myself for the people I care about and even a few who I'm "ehhhh" about. I blame it mostly on my upbringing. Although my younger years had craziness, I was raised by people who taught me to generally not be an asshole and look out for people. I've found that people I know are mostly good and it's kind of hard to break my habit of being there for others, even at my own expense.

But frak all of that! I'm going to still look out for people but I'm keeping the balance better and I come before anyone else, except my mom who is awesome.

So, selfishness is back in full motherfuckin' effect! Wait. It can't be back since it wasn't really here to begin with. I mean, selfishness is going down! (basement)

In addition to that, I have to admit something. I've been reading biographies and self-help books for awhile now. Like TWO YEARS "awhile." I think it comes from me trying to figure out me and find a solution for problems I encounter in life. I've never done this before because I've been more of a "free spirit"** and since I've been less flighty I've been trying to find my center.

Only kids and childish movie viewers like me will get this.

I've been looking for words of wisdom, good advice from successful people, bad advice from screw-ups,*** ideas on finding peace/"the way"/happiness. Hell, I even did a tarot reading and I REALLY don't believe in that voodoo shite. But, we all gotta pay "stupid tax" from time to time. It's why the lottery still exists.****

Anyway, I came to two conclusions from all of this motivational introspection and heavy reading-

1) There is some good universal advice. Universal truths do exist about certain things.

2) Everyone finds their own way to happiness. 

The first conclusion has helped me adjust some things in how approach people and situations. I have even started to compile the wisdom most helpful to me in a little leather book to get me through. It's my bible for remaining calm and finding the proper path for me.

No, really. I really did do this. Ask to see it if you see me.

The second conclusion is even more important. We all have different goals and have to get there in our own ways. And I know what you are thinking because I thought it as soon as I typed that sentence- "Duh. No shit, Sherlock." The thing is I know this and you know this but during those dark moments when we doubt ourselves or those horrible instances where we are envious of someone else's success/contentment, we often forget that simple fact. We can't live others' lives, we wouldn't want to if we knew what bullshit they had to deal with in their heads and very rarely is someone else's idea of happiness the same as ours. 

And with knowing and relearning both these facts you gotta sometimes make hard calls. It may be changing your focus or choosing a new path. It may be extricating yourself from a relationship or situation that's not beneficial to you. It may be reaffirming your commitment to a project/relationship/plan even when others doubt you. It may be making yourself less available to others and becoming more selfish. It may be being alone. It may be looking for a new tribe to hang with. It may be doing nothing because you are already happy on your current path.*****

Ultimately, you have to choose what's best for you and what's going to bring you your particular brand of happiness. The world turns whether you are content or not but the merry-go-round is less bumpy when you have joy in your soul.

Okay. My babbling in this post is done. I'm actually feeling better about everything and I think this post wasn't TOO terrible but I haven't reread it. Hold on.

Yeah.

Whatever. It is what it is.

Be happy, folks.

*answer-not a lot

**my pal once called me a "hippie", another called me a "man-whore." Both were valid calls, ref

***which is overlooked but is HIGHLY educational

****I'm highly pissed I loss last night's PowerBall and can't travel the world training like Bruce Wayne

*****fuck you. no, seriously, go to hell, you lucky bastard (joking...mostly)

Bad Knees

I've been reworking this post for awhile now and I thought I finally got it but LITERALLY in the middle of typing this I got some news that blew my mind and is tangentially related to this and another post I'm working on. Anyway....

I'm 33 and all my friends are grown-ups.
Me? Not so much.

I mean, I'm an adult in the fact that I can easily be convicted of crimes, I have to pay taxes when I work, my knees hurt from vigorous activity and, no matter how much I pray for it, I'm not going to grow any taller. And I got a lot of gray hair now so if you see me you'd probably say "Hey. That guy is a grown-up."
Ehh, that's only kind of true or, to be honest, was true a few times in the past. I have definitely had "grown-up moments" where I was paying full rent, cable, fixing the water heater, driving around, having a real bank account, etc. Currently, this is not my reality.

Example- I went to my 10 year college reunion (JEEZ!) in 2011. I didn't want to go initially but a)I'm always up for free booze and b)I usually succumb to peer pressure from multiple friends. So, I went and fun was had. We went and did juvenile stuff for a day and did a chorus version of  "Scenario" by A Tribe Called Quest which left us out of breath and me and my guy friends murdered a meal at a Cracker Barrel. So, good times for all.

But while I was enjoying myself with my old pals, I was also looking around. These people were mature adults. I was a fancy teenager. They had kids, were working on Master's degrees, were talking about weddings and mortgages and vacations they earned for committing to one line of work for years. What astounded me wasn't that some of these people were doing these; some of these folks were adult-ish in college. What shocked me was the fact that the jackanapes who I prank called people with and the girls who drank 40s of Olde English with were succeeding in their lives and were in charge of now taking care of the lives of others. It was amazing.

I don't know this girl but she'll probably raise children one day.

More amazing- my close friends, the people I've known since sixth grade through college, are also adults. They are married, have kids, houses and are accomplished. I have a pal that worked on Obama's reelection campaign, one saving people from subway trains, others who know "the people who run the world" and even two friends that have just had their film optioned after taking it to Sundance.

I'm writing this from a chair in my grandmother's house on her computer above the basement where I live and am underemployed. So, yeah. There's a difference.

And it's not that I envy my friends (I'm VERY happy for them) or that I even want their lives (I REALLY don't); I've just been unsure of my own path to adulthood. I know you can't follow anyone else's road, especially when you want to live a creative life, but it would be nice to see myself in the mirror as a mature functioning member of society more. I know that there are certain steps to do this and I will eventually get to where I'm going. It's just hard to look back at the start of that race where we all were and realizing that my silly mistakes, regretful decisions and "hippy living", as one of my pals put it, has me lagging a bit.

Yeah, we all have our race to run and you shouldn't measure your life against the lives of others but it's hard when you have surrounded yourself with awesome. But maybe I should take that as a positive sign. Like attracts like and maybe my awesome moments are still to come.

No.

They are DEFINITELY still to come and I will be an adult in more than hair color and body aches very soon.

Too Much Noise In The Attic

(or, The Need For MDT-48)

I had a dream the other day. Not a normal dream starring me or people I know. It was a creative dream where random sparks of story start and ideas flow. I usually don't get these- most of my ideas come from walking around, seeing something or just a FLASH while I'm doing something else. I don't know if anyone else operates that way but I do.
Anyway, the dream were about this high school assassin (basically a ninja who was a Senior) who had just protected a girl with his smarter, more serious, more accomplished ninja best friend. They all get on a school bus and he ends up sitting next to a cute Asian girl. They talk and he finds out she has a crush on this guy a few rows back. The ninja guy tells her to go for it. Fast forward through the day and she tells the guy she likes him while this guy's friends are around. The guy says he has to think about it and that night the girl is attacked, only being saved by the original ninja assassin boy. He unmasks the guy that attacks her and it's one of her crush's closest friends. The ninja kid finds out that his new friend's father is part of a secret evil organization called Orcus that she doesn't know about and the guy attacking her is with the "good guys." The ninja guy is part of a group of assassins created to keep balance.

Then I wake up.

I quickly write all these notes down and come up with the idea for three different ninja/assassin guild type organization fighting each other for some control. There would be a teacher there who would be secretly a member of the same ninja group as the main kid. It all had some overtones of a quirky anime series.

I stopped myself before giving the characters names.

I was almost about to do it again. I was going to start another story, not finish it and be thrown off from the 2 or 3 tales I should really be working on, particularly the one I think it actually good (and potential money maker or at least publishable). I'm trying to break myself of this habit.
I get a bunch of ideas shooting through my head a day and it's SOOOOO hard to focus on one to completion. I have a few blog posts in different stages of completion, a story for a friend I just want to finish to be done with, a whole re-imagining of the Marvel comics universe from beginning to end that's NEVER seeing the light of day, an idea for a clothes line (or at least t-shirts) with character concepts and various other stories of varying length that distract me from getting the priority stuff done. This is not to even mention the big comic universe thing I've been working on since high school in one form or another that I had on a scandisk that shattered that I'm trying to recreate from memories and some stuff I saved online about it. That one REALLY kills me.
I need to figure out if this randomness of how my mind operates and works is a symptom of a real problem, normal crazy creative people operation or laziness and disarray at work.
Any way you slice it I have got to get to work on the important stuff. I'm about to miss a soft deadline I set for myself and I'm not happy with that. I'm going to get it done but I need to figure out what to do to make all these ideas work in the most productive way while also looking for work and living a life.

Sorry. I had to vent.I'll get it together.

What's Your Point...

You know, everyone I know is fighting to get back what they had. I'm fighting because I don't know how to do anything else. -Starbuck, BSG



I've been thinking a bit about my future. I do this a lot but it's mostly during a bit of drinking or something randomly good happens to someone I know and I experience a liminal moment. But lately I've been thinking about my path and the choices I've made and the choices I'm going to make. Particularly, I've been comparing my decisions against those of my close friends.

I really believe you shouldn't measure yourself against the yardstick of others but as you grow older and the people around you are moving ahead with what they want to do it becomes inevitable to compare yourself to them. I'm personally blessed/cursed with successful and focused friends. They have their idea of a future pretty well mapped out in their heads. They know what they want as far as career paths and what they love to do. They are married/engaged/in serious relationships/not emotionally stunted. They are moving in a direction.

Me? Not so much.

I've never been much of a planner. My goals have always been vague at best. I mean, I know I want to write novels and I think it would be nice to have someone to share a future with. But ask me how to get there or what I would do if I even got there....Shit, you got me.

It's that I don't want to be that kind of focused individual. I REALLY do. I just often think I have an incomplete set of tools to accomplish that. It infuriates me at points and I'm sure it must annoy the people around me. I imagine that they are looking at me like I disappointed them and maybe the world. I'm not that little kid who was smarter than the rest and wanted to do everything. Hell, I'm not even that dumb teenager/20-something who lived fearlessly and just DID stuff. I think something inside me went to sleep and I need to wake it up because at this point I'm just going through the motions of aging and living. I encounter a problem and deal with it but not with that hopeful reckless abandon I used to.

I mean look at that kid's crazy face.

I need to get that back. Or else I become Starbuck level screwed-up and I DO NOT want that. I don't think anyone does.

New Worst Nightmare

Just woke up from a new dream. Or should I say nightmare. Not sure where it came from. Maybe it was a weird combo from cold meds and ice cream consumption but it reaffirmed my decision to take off the year from women.
As most dreams, the part that scared me was fragmented and near the end. It was basically a lot of random scenes and things happening but what got me was the finale.
I was with one of my ex-girlfriends and she told me she was pregnant with MY KID.

Now, it wasn't the fact that I was having a child. I know logically that I'm not emotionally or financially prepared for that responsibility. Although I'm probably more equipped emotionally to raise another human being than I think and I truly believe I would make a good dad one day, I'm a broke dude living in my mother's basement. I would NEVER bring a baby into that sort of situation. And even with all that my main fear wasn't even anything I had listed.

No, my fear was having a kid with HER. I'm gonna preface what I'm about to say with this, all the ladies I have been involved with in a relationship or close to relationship form are generally good, decent human beings. They are caring and somewhat kind. BUT, most of them are a lil crazy. I'm not saying that's on them but I find myself attracted to women with issues or problems. As a matter of fact, nowadays when I find myself getting even a little bit emotionally attracted to a woman I pull back and ask myself "Sean, what's her issue?"
This is not to say that I'm perfect. Hell no. If you even read a post or two on this page you would know that is the furthest thing from reality. I just happen to attract similarly or more screwed-up individuals to me.
What made this dream worse for me was which young lady it was. Because even with all I just stated there are some former flames that I think I could raise a kid with without murdering each other or making the kid worse than either of us. Actually, I could probably name 3 or 4 women who, combined with me, could make a fully-functioning great member of society.

It was just this ONE.
I'm not going to say who it was, although I'm pretty sure she doesn't read this or even know this page exists.....ACTUALLY she might know because that crazy kinda stalker behavior is exactly one of the reasons this dream was so scary. I didn't help the situation with us but still the crazy was there and booty isn't enough to start a family off of.
So that's my nightmare. Just thought I would share. Don't tell my exes. And if you are someone I dated/hooked up with and think this is about you, it probably was.

Talking Heads Once In a Lifetime....

My cousin came by to visit recently. I hadn't seen him in about two years since our little family reunion. I was in Vegas at that time doing "Sean things" and had come back to NYC to see my sister and her family who were in town from Tokyo. Since we were back, I guess my family decided to have a little meetup. It was cool. I saw a lot of folks I hadn't seen in a while and a few friends came over and I went out to gt drunk at The Rub after. So, basically, a normal summer Saturday for me at home.

But, anyway, back to my older cousin. He came there with my aunt and I talked to him a minute about the usual stuff while I was on the grill and drinking beer. It was kind of hazy (I WAS drinking loads of beer)but I do recall that he was married and I believe working as or with bounty hunters, which, to be honest, is pretty normal for my family outside of the whole married things. I was happy as long as he was happy and he seemed like it.

Flash-forward to now. He comes into town with a new job doing promotional things for Atlantic Records and separated from his wife. He is very happy and is part of the work for the Jay-Z tour. I'm happy for dude but it brings up a strange thought for me.

This guy was raised as a Jehovah's Witness and his parents pretty much kept him away from me, my brother and our other cousins when we were really small because either we lived on a bad block (which was very true) or we were bad influences (only marginally true). He moved out of state and me and my brother visited for a weekend here and there and for his graduation. Basically, his parents spent an inordinate time trying to take him away from "the street" and the things that go along with that. Fast forward twelve years and you really couldn't tell the difference between us and, in fact, some of the things he is doing now I've passed on already.

This makes me thinking about how I ended up in my current condition, hence the title of this post (step your 1980s New Wave music lyrics game up, kid).

I know logically how I arrived at my current state. It comes down to all the little discussions, smart choices, stupid foul-ups, random partying and every other choice I made. There are of course outside forces at work that could have affected my life more positively in terms of success if I followed them and definitely forces that could have had a HUGE negative effect.

Even with that knowledge I still find myself asking how did I get here. This occurs more frequently when I run into people I haven't seen in a while, which happens very frequently since I'm back in New York. It also happens a lot when I hang out or talk to my friends, most of whom I have known for at least a decade. My friends are highly successful or are on the way to living their dreams. It's always interesting that the same people that you walk along with on the same path can have vastly different endpoints. But, then I realize it's the shortcuts we take, the veering to the left and right, and th branching off to another path that crosses with your original path in the future that makes us truly individual. I share a lot of similar courses with my friends and my brother and have seen a lot of the same stuff. It's the stuff that I have saw on my own and those places and time periods that I have been alone that makes me the person I am right now.

The greater question I have to ask myself is why am I even contemplating this. I mean it's a good philosophical question but the truth behind it is deeper. I ask myself this because, to be honest, I'm not always happy with where I am right now. I can think of other options for myself and compare to the actual reality of my status, they are much better.

My questioning of how I ended up here doesn't come from a negative place. It's a tool that I'll have to keep utilizing to make myself move forward. When I am satisfied or at least content in the moment I tend to stagnate and just "be". After that, something normally occurs to make me unhappy and snap out of that existence and move on to the questioning phase. After that is the decision and action part of my life. I think that is what I am starting a new now. This cycle has always occurred with me and I'm not sure whether it is good or bad. I just know it is here and I deal with it in my way.

I hope one day I won't ask the question of how did I end up here and someone else will ask it of me. I will really smile because on that day I'll know I did what I wanted to, following my own path to my idea of success.

Sparkly Vampires and Ethnic Werewolves

RANTRANTRANTRANTRANTRANT

Stephenie Meyer writes the dreams of teenage girls and that speaks to grown women. Just ask my female friends. It is because we are all still 14 at heart. We are all pretty much still that scared. embarrassed, awkward person we were in junior high school or high school until we become fearless. Most of us aren't or don't achieve that which is why these books/movies are a hit

I don't think she is alone in this. A lot of things capitolize on this thinking. Rom coms do it (and I love em) but everyone knows it's bs and it's not as stalkerish or weird as the weird teen fiction that is pushed by this.

I just think that what teenage girls like isnt healthy. That's why they have entire talk shows devoted to their poor decision making.

END TRANSMISSION...

John Hughes and The Loners

The Loners, a Marvel comic book series by C.B. Cebulski and drawn by Karl Moline, had covers by artist Jason Pearson. They were all homages to John Hughes movies. Check the rest out below.

RIP, Mr. Hughes. Thank you for starting me back down the writing road again and making one of my favorite movies- Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

No More Runners

(writing this post I realized it could go on my other blog but due to the seriousness and broadness of it I put it here)

When I was discussing my plans to be sober for the Year of Our Lord 2009 with my friends, I had a few nay-sayers and a few folks who were behind me. What I found most amusing was the most valid advice is what I got from my friend, well, we’ll just call him The Angry Speakin’ Rican.

Anyway, I told T.A.S.R. what I was up to and he gave me a little wisdom because he also gave up the drink as well. He suggested that I find another outlet for release because he said that he often drank the most when he was in a disagreement with his loved ones, particularly his girl. He has other distractions to take his time up and suggested I do the same.

Me, being the stubborn jackass that I am, took his advice and filed it under Stuff That Works for Others But That I Don’t Necessarily Need. I mean I drank just because and I pretty much only drank when I was happy.

Yeah. Good times.


Obviously, I was lying to myself.

True, I mostly got bent because I was gonna have a good time and it made me looser and willing to say whatever I wanted to say. They say liquor gives you imaginary muscle but it also grants you the ability to think you are smoother than you really are. When I’m drinking, I’m cocky and believe I’m Don Juan. I never necessarily planned on doing anything (at least not recently at all) with anyone while drunk but it would give me an excuse the next day for a poor decision in deciding to hook up.

So, I didn’t really take what he said into account. I mean, people always piss me off and I shake it off or at least give that appearance and I don’t really/kinda sorta have a girl to make me upset so I had clear sailing. I could beat this thing cold turkey with a blindfold on while skiing downhill on one leg.

Besides, while I didn’t have the outlets he had, I had made a promise to myself to do one good thing or have one good moment of feeling great every day no matter how shitty things were.

I had this sober and getting right thing licked.

WRONG.

I’ve been dealing with some shite that I’ve only hinted at with some folks and kept the rest to myself. (Read past posts for why) Anyway, on Monday, I talked to a friend who is more than a friend and …it’s confusing. Whatever. Let’s just say this person called me out on some shit and, although it was true, the manner in which she said it made me feel like crap. I realized it wasn’t what she said but how and who said it. Someone I worked with could say the same thing and probably in the same way and I would forget about being hurt about it in like an hour tops.

Fours hours after she said it I’m still thinking about it and how she said it without any mercy. First, I was angry at her that she said it but quelled that quickly because I didn’t feel like arguing and ruining my good feeling/thing of the day, which I did for her and my mother. Then, I was pissed at myself (and still am) for the validity of what was said. Then, I got pissed at her again after thinking about it and I’m still a little ticked off but I swallowed most of it again like I used to. I always swallow people irritating me because there is usually a bigger problem to deal with anyway. I had a few thoughts at that moment but the one that slipped in that shocked me was this one.

“Damn. I wish I had a drink or three right now.”


I knew I wasn’t going to go and get lit but the fact that that was what was floating around in my head told me I wasn’t going to have an easy time of this. I didn’t have a plan like “I want to get some drinks and watch a game” or “I want to get a drink and go dance.” No, what I wanted was a drink and someone to complain to and make me forget for a few hours.

For all I joke and BS, it was very real in that moment. I also knew T.A.S.R. was right- when those you love or want to be better for get into your head; you look for something to deal with it and/or push them out. Whether that thing is negative or positive is ultimately up to you. I decided it was going to be positive.

I reaffirmed myself that when I wasn’t working, looking for more work or looking for housing then I was writing or working out. I had to get into proper habits because I was asked if I feared failure like I was once asked before and I knew the answer was Yes. Although I was afraid to say it and admit the truth in that moment, I thought about it and yes, I am and if you say you aren’t, then you are lying to yourself.

No one likes to fail. I HAVE failed before. I have lost it and I have been beaten. It’s not a good feeling and for all that crap you hear about learning from your mistakes, I firmly believe that if anyone had the option then they would choose to learn without slipping. I know I would. This is also one of the reasons that no matter how bad things are right now and the standing invitation from my mother I WILL NOT be going back home. It might be foolish pride talking but I need to do this on my own (somewhat) for at least six more months.

So, I have vowed to do what I want to do for my future, which includes improving myself and doing what is good for me and not what anyone else thinks is good for me. I’m the only one who knows the way and I appreciate the advice but I have to find my own path. If that is cool and you can go with me, then that’s awesome. If not, oh well. I’ve been left before. I’ll always have a seat waiting for you if you are good enough.

It’s up to you but I know what I have to do.

The Traveler

I'm dedicated to this year being a WHOLE lot better than last year, which shouldn't be so hard to accomplish considering the general craptastic moments I had. I also am a realist and know that this goal of a good 2009 and further won't be accomplished over night. I still have a lot of work to do and I also have some stuff left over from last year to still deal with. Realistically, I won't see a substantial upswing until maybe April.

That being said, I have had a pretty meh first couple of days of 2009. New Year's Eve was okay even if low-key and sober but the last two or three days have been pretty piss poor. Getting stopped by the cops again, account and money issues, hours being loss at work, silly and not so silly arguments and being in a general funk have made this past weekend highly reminiscent of 2008. My roommate and my out-of-town pal offered to buy me a drink but I knew it would just make me more depressed and/or angry. I got so fed up with it last night I just went to sleep at around 8:30.

8:30. On a Saturday night. In Vegas. Yeah. Very wrong.

So, I wake up early to go to the library and do some writing and get my head clear. As always as this laptop takes a minute to come on and connect to the internet, I take a minute to stroll through the new fiction. Sometimes I'll find something I want or just something I wouldn't read but that turns out to be pretty good or at least a decent distraction. Today was no exception.

I picked up Traveler by Daren and Daniel Simkin. It had a nice basic cover and I was particularly interested because it was created by two brothers and I'm working on a story concerning two brothers. I was also recently thinking about trying to come up with something for me and my brother to work on because I fear we both might be treading water a little bit and might need a lil push.

Anyway, I open up the book and look at the pages and think this book is for kids. As I read it, I realize it could be for kids but it definitely contains a message for lost adults. Whether that's lost in love or being lost in your family or clueless with what you want to do, this book is for you. It's not a road map per se but it definitely makes you feel better about the choices or non-choices you have made. It sort of reminded me of Oh, The Places You'll Go! by Dr. Seuss, which is for kids but has more to say to young adults.

I don't want to give away much about the book because I think people should read it but I'll just say that the main character reminds me of myself, always searching for that perfect place and not living the life the way his friends do. They meet in the end and he is sad that he didn't do the things they did but they also want to hear how he did live his life differently than them.

This is particularly poignant for me on two levels.
First, I used to have a boss who told me that a man should look for something he is 75-85% happy with and be satisfied. Then, you can build on the rest. I think his point is that you can never find something that totally fulfills you but if you find enough things that do it most of the way the combination of them will make your life full. If we are always pursuing 100% happiness (which a lot of people do), we pass up the things with potential to get us to that place.
Secondly, I hang out with my friends when they visit here or when I go see them and I often find myself as the odd man out. They have taken pretty well-defined life paths and have a definite future that is pretty much set, either through good work or a passion that drives them. I always feel like the lost soul trying to get back on track. I was talking to my friend and he told me something that shocked me- he was at times a little happy for me because I just lived my life without boundaries and rules and just go with the wind. I told him I felt the same way about him and the others and I'm always scared that I screwed this thing called life up big time. But hearing that did make me feel marginally better and hopeful.

I guess we can't always see the positive aspects of our own lives and can appreciate those of others. The grass is always greener on the other side.

I still need to mow my lawn but it does make me feel better that someone sometimes peeks over my fence and thinks "Hey, you are living part of a life I want."

"Ask Yourself Who Are You?....

...If you don't know who you are, how can your dreams come true?"- 50 Cent, Realest Killas
Wise words, Mr. Curtis Jackson. Wise words.

There is an image that each of us has in our heads about how we look to the outside world. I think they call it residual self-image in The Matrix, or some shit like that. Anyway, we either make ourselves look better or worse than we are in reality in our minds.

I'm no different.

Although it varies throughout the day and is mostly dependent on how I feel at any particular moment, I like to imagine myself if not at this level yet then close to it. I like to think of myself as charming, smart, funny, a little bit of a smart ass and rogue. And good looking. Kinda like Rusty Ryan in Ocean's Eleven. Only, you know, BLACK.


I coined the term Black Brad Pitt before Jigga. Ask my pals.*

Talking to my boy the other day, I've realized that I'm not becoming movie star cool. Instead I'm slowly growing into a TV character by inches every day.

- I have a list of things to address to make right for me and others and ultimately the world.
- I live in a trailer park.
- I have a bigger younger brother but to get more to the point I live with a larger white male hillbilly (his words, not mine).
- We drive around in a shitty vehicle mostly playing country music, classic rock and some shitty rap.
- I know an authoritative blonde with a nice rack who likes black dudes(know a few blondes like this actually but, really, who doesn't?).
- I know a Mexican cleaning woman who is attractive(again, who doesn't?).
- I like spending time at bars drinking beer.
- And, to top it off, if I want to I can grow a pretty awesome mustache.

Who am I?


DAMMIT, MAHN. Earl? Least my fashion sense is better. I hope.

Sigh. Yeah, something has GOTTA change. and sooner than later.


*Trust me. They won't lie for me. They are dicks in that way. God, love 'em.

Hmmmm...........

You know I used to not believe in mankind. I actually argued with one of my freshman professors in college that humans were ultimately evil and/or selfish or too stupid. I thought that at the end of the day, every man, woman and child would ultimately just look out for themselves and that the bonds between people we see were a bit of an illusions when it came down to the choice between me and you.

I don't think that anymore.

I think people are scared and it's fear that compels them to do nothing to change their situation or the world as a whole. They are afraid of making things worse or rocking the boat so they just accept everything. I think that's actually a little scarier than them being evil. I can deal with evil. I know how to fight that. But, fear...Fear breeds ignorance and misunderstandings and destruction and dishonesty.

Let me think on this one and get back to the world.

Massive Fail- Not Me, Please

I was out of town about a week or so ago and spent some time with a friend at her mother's house. While there I met this guy. He was going through a time of it and was struggling at this point to get his life straight or at least he should have been. This guy was in his forties, unemployed, living with people out of the kindness of their hearts and on top of all that has a pre-teen kid. He had just went through about the roughest couple of months I had heard of in a minute. I initially felt bad for this dude. Initially.

As I talked to him more, I began to realize a majority of his problems were self created. He was/is a womanizer with little respect for the opposite gender. He gets into situations without plans on how to get out of them. He does nothing for himself as far as living his own life.


Not a good look. Not me.

As I was driving from what seemed to be a scene written out of a bad episode of Maury or Jerry, I was talking to my friend about my own plans (alright, she was grilling me as usual). My plans as always are an outline and she said that if I didn't get them to be more concrete that it was a slippery slope to beeing this guy. That hurt and I confronted her about it and she apologized and she said she knew I wasn't going to be him. But the fact that she even said it and my own talks with him gave me pause. Me and this dude had some similarities.

Bad in relationships? Check.
Leaping without looking? Check.
College drop-out? Check.

My saving grace is that I don't have any kids, I'm not a tool like him and although I procrastinate I will do what is best for me and I'm willing to work for it. My best friend assured me I was right and that I didn't have to worry about being him. Ever. He was a victim not because he was REALLY a victim but it was the path of least resistance to declare that the world was responsible for his station and life and he didn't have to take responsibility for it. I've always been the complete opposite and believed that 98% of the situations I get into are a direct result of my own choices.

But it did make me reflect on something. I've always been gifted and I used to try hard when I was really young and even in high school, although lazy, I still had success in my eyes. Even when I wasn't trying, shite worked out for me. My friend used to joke I was rolling down the hill of life and when I got to the bottom I would stand up and shake off all the gold and assorted riches that I just happened to accumulate along the way (I just thought it was my Spidey-Sense on overdrive helping me get out of jams). But even with this, I don't know, karma looking out for me I still had in me a feeling that I would come out on top by my own merits. This spark drove me.

I'm looking at this guy and thinking where did that spark go in him and ultimately, me?

I like to think of myself as almost as smart or as smart as my friends. I think I have the same capabilities as many of them. I think I'm as creative as the really artistic one. The question that bugs me is am I missing that key component that makes them successful or gives them the drive to not just let life sweep them along? What is it that makes people push forward and why am I lacking it? I have a million (okay, a few hundred) story ideas but I can hardly finish one of them. Why do I crap out on things? I know some of it stems from how I used to approach things in school. Things were easy for me so I would get bored and try to move onto something else. Or if it was going to be a huge effort I just shut down- not that I couldn't do it but maybe because I was afraid of succeeding at it.

I don't know. I may just be babbling at this point but I think I'm just in the process of finding that...thing to make me push and do what I want and be successful at it. Something to stop me from being that guy in the back of a car living off the kindness of strangers.

Fight or Flight

I would like to think of myself as a generally level-headed, easygoing guy. I try to mind my business as much as possible and not get involved in the affairs of others if I can. While this is certainly laudable (or I think it should be), my decision to not always speak up at every little thing is sometimes taken as me having a huge flight reaction.

On the other hand, when someone says something about my friends, or someone I'm just with or if I'm somewhat tipsy, my instant response is "I'm gonna break your face." This reaction has grown recently in my past few years and has been the side that my roommates have been exposed to so much to the point that I heard one of them commenting that he should invite a guy over and have me hurt him. Mind you I was in my room at 3 AM at this point and probably asleep in his head.

My problem is this- how do I balance my nice side which I like and I think the people who like me like a lot with the tune up the world side I try to keep under wraps?

I think a lot of time people seem to mistake my being quiet or kind or glossing over things for weakness. It's not. It stems from a fear of SNAPPING! I come from a family of SNAPPERS! From the oldest to the youngest. Just a question of degree. Someone shove you? SNAP! Someone was talking about you? SNAP! Who owes me money? SNAP! Any and everything was a pathway to an altercation, whether verbal or physical. A great deal of my childhood was just tests of toughness and not backing down. I failed a lot of these test because I was more concerned with getting through the day and not getting hurt. I didn't feel the need to prove myself in this regard as much as the others around me. My realm was books and being smart. (my younger self is the polar opposite of my later self) I was also scared since I kept a lot of emotions bottled up most of the time that my SNAPPING! would be so much worse and I wouldn't be able to stop myself.

This is not to say that I didn't have my SNAP! moments or points. Two that stick with me to this day is someone threatening my siblings and saying something about my mother. There are no solutions but SNAPPING! for me in those moments.

But as I have grown older I have noticed that although we are supposed to be a civilized society, a great many people only seem to respect or acknowledge physicality and violence. Just look at the rise in popularity of mixed martial arts (and yes there is discipline, training and honor in that but NO ONE would watch unless someone was getting punched in the face). And for all that shite about wanting a nice guy and someone caring, most people are going to go for that guy who can or appears that they can protect them in some way.

I get highly irritated when people doubt me or what I'm capable of in this regards. True, I'm not going to be the next UFC champ and I can't press 400 lbs. but I can guarantee I will walk through the worst neighborhoods and make it out with little trouble. Do not let the glasses fool you. When it comes down to it and its me or you losing, its going to be YOU. Every. Time.

So, where do I find this balance? How do I prove that I will fight without having to hit everyone from here to my house that accidentally jostles me? Or better yet, why do I have to prove myself to the world? The sad thing is I know I do and so do you.

Some of us are fighters and some of us aren't. Some of us talk shit and some of us don't. How can I live in balance?

My Greatest Fear

I once heard that every piece of western literature and, to a lesser extent, all literature is about the son killing/replacing his father.The idea is that we cannot become complete people until we have usurped the place of our parents and forebears. The usual goal is to become better people than them and to learn from their mistakes. Unfortunately, the case becomes that we become exactly like them or sometimes even worse than they were. This leads me to my greatest fear...

I fear that I will one day become my father.

I will preface this post with this- my father is not an evil Vader like figure and at the end of the day is probably a really good buddy to play a quick pick-up game with or go on a fishing trip with. (I wouldn't be joining you but I think you guys would have a good time) I also want to say that he has some attributes that I like to embrace. For example, he is a good artist, highly creative, charming, witty, intelligent, confident and self-taught. And I don't hate the man. Hate is a strong word deserved for very special individuals and I don't think there will ever come a day where I say I hate my father. Disappointed and sometimes dislike? Yes. Hate? No.

My fear is this- that I will ultimately embrace his darker sides. He is a recovering addict, has multiple kids, does not keep up communications with said kids, always has "financial issues" to the point where I stopped asking for anything from him over a decade ago and is generally not someone to be in a relationship with. (this last one seems to have changed since he has been married for maybe a decade now)
I used to say all the time how I would never get married or have children. My reasoning for this was because I thought I would never find anyone I truly loved and the world was/is a screwed up place to bring a child into. Now, that I look back on it, it stems from watching this man. I fear that I would have kids that wouldn't be able to depend on me at all times and that I would screw up any relationship I chose to enter like he did. I have gotten over some of this fear but it still resides in the back of my head scratching at my brain like a rat.

Perfect example of the relationship or lack thereof I share with my father. Had a long talk with my friend and it made me think I should take a weekend to address some people I should apologize to and to be a bigger person and extend my hand to my father. I had, at the time, only called him if there was an issue with my brother or if my siblings needed me to ask him something/wanted to see him. His favorite line to me has been since high school "The phone works both ways." (familiar to a few of you, I know) My problem with this statement was 1) how come it only seemed to work from my house and 2) you have my number because it was yours for years so why should I as the child be the one to step up? But I looked pass all of this and made a phone call. It was a civil enough if generic conversation. The same question about my relatives and his old friends, i.e. a phone convo that was the exact same as the convos I had when I went to his house. Anyway, we talked and when it was all said and done he said he would call me back. I said I wasn't sure if I would have the same number but I would call him if it changed(it didn't).

Flash-forward to the end of October. He comes to Las Vegas on vacation with his wife for the weekend and doesn't even call. Mind you my number hasn't changed, he talked to my brother the prior week so he could have gotten it from there and the only reason I knew he was in town at all was because my brother mentioned it during my weekly conversation with my mother. Yeah. I was not happy about this but I chalked it up to just how that guy was.
But it made me reflect on my own actions. I quickly scrolled through my head and thought if I had behaved similar with people. There was one incident but I apologized immediately afterwards and, more importantly, my friend is not my son. It was just another incident involving me and my father that had made me recommit to not living my worst fear- becoming him.

I could go on with a few more stories but this post isn't to demonize the man just to state some issues I have with his behavior towards me or involving me tangentially.

My sister once told me that my father is a great friend but is lacking in the dad department. I have come to agree with her (but I'm currently not too interested in discovering if the friend part of that statement is true). My goal is to become a better man by not making the same mistakes he did.