Nosce Te Ipsum- Know Thyself

Been thinking about be an adult for a minute and, mostly, how I'm not one. I mean physically I'm very much an old guy. My actions and current status though say the opposite. I beat myself over it and try to find escape routes out of it but it grows harder. I see my friends moving forward and that both makes me smile and gives me a heart punch. But it's getting better. I'm starting to realize that like everything in life this is all a matter of perception.
I ran into an old classmate at one of my friend's film screenings. He sit down and talks to me and my friend's mother about his path. He is an actor and doing some big and life-fulfilling things now. He says that it's what he loves and that it came about through a journey of self-discovery. Then he says "You remember I was a bit of clown in high school, right Sean?" I just laugh and give a gentle nod.
Because I really don't.
What I remember was a fellow kid that fit in well and I didn't really have much interaction with him except for the rare moments we were in a class or on a sports team together. He had his friends and I had mine with limited overlap. If I had to describe him back then it would be a kinda corny jock who happened to date a girl I liked a lot. Hell, if you asked me to describe him a few years ago, it would have been the black guy that this white girl from high school got me confused with, which is strange because we look NADA alike and I am taller than him and she talked to him but not me back then.
But I just nodded because I am happy that he has found his joy, high school was a LONG time ago and, hey, maybe he was the joker in his crew. That's how he perceived himself and perception is how we control our own personal universes. Besides just motivating us, this gives us our power.
This is just my belief but I think that perception can change your existence and willpower and belief in your vision can alter your course. I'm not talking about an in The Secret way and just wishing for something to happen but just working isn't enough if their isn't a faith or belief in something backing your quest.
Back to this high school acquaintance/friend/dude I know. His saying that made me flash back to a conversation I had with my father. (Oh, yeah, trying to communicate with him more; another topic for another post) He was describing an incident where a teacher put his hands on me in elementary school. He was relating to me how when he got the call that he thought it might have been my younger brother ("Rock might have said some wild shit") or my older sister ("Relle probably fought him because he did something to her and she didn't play"). The thought of it being me never crossed his mind and he was shocked because "Sean gives me no problems" and is "the good one." The teacher did put his hands on me without cause and he was correct that I gave "no problems" but that perception of me kinda bugged me.
I mean I WAS a good kid. A VERY good kid. And I was always the one who was the smart, rational, calm one. This is not to say my siblings weren't geniuses or rational themselves. They were/are. It's just that THAT was what I was known for. The kid that read the encyclopedia. The son not cussing out my teachers (Rock). The kid not potentially laying the smackdown on someone for linestepping (Relle). And that felt good when I was like 8. But as I grew up I sort of hated that.
The perception we get placed on us can pigeonhole us into a role. It can pressure you and drive you crazy depending on how others see you. This only leaves 3 options-
1) Be mature, accept what people think of you and do what you want regardless
2) Accept that is who you are and become that person
3) Rebel and be the total antithesis of what people believe about you

I did a combo of 2 and 3. I would coast through school because the shit was easy to me and the only time I failed was because I didn't care and behaved accordingly. (Or maybe it was never diagnosed ADHD....) This was childish. The rebellion was costing me my future which I didn't realize until late.
On the other hand, I didn't care that I was fucking up because I just really HATED being "safe, good Sean." It helps to be calm but eating your anger for a lot of years can just create a maelstrom of rage and rashness that's ready to explode at any moment. I used to be shocked at the kids just going crazy in the schoolyard and my little brother just saying whatever to whomever but I understand now that that behavior is sometimes healthy, even if you might get slapped for it. You have released your fireball of anger and can move on instead of being in your late twenties/early thirties with the heat of a thousand suns right under the surface.
I'm finally dealing with balancing my emotions and not living up to anyone's image of me, although it still creeps up from time to time. I have come to realize others' perception has a limited control on my life. My family views me as one way. My friends see me as one way. Women see me as one way. But even with the way I'm perceived by others, MY OWN perception is going to dictate my future and how successful I am going to be in any and every thing I do.
Okay. Ramble done. Get back to steer your ship in your own universe and visit mine when you get the chance. Just know that that kid that I was is still there but he has more facets to his personality now.

Week of (Kinda) Silence

March 27- April 2, 2010 Decided to take the week off from television and the interwebz. Here are the rules and below that is what happened.
DVDs don't count
Only my e-mail could be checked
Only emergencies could be responded to, ie job replies, sick friends, etc.
Limited time even in a room with television


Day1-
Sent out last necessary e-mail, still receiving e-mail to my BlackBerry but I only check the subject line for the importance of it. I can hear the tv in the other room with my younger brother; he's a tv fiend.
Odd to be up this early and not on a computer. Women choose the last moment or odd times to make request. Foresee a small window of future drop-offs for family. I don't really like driving; feels like my arse is spreading the more time behind the wheel.
Random thought popping in my head- like taking my brother and cousins to movies
The blue light is turned off on this cable box to not mock me but I watched Dogtown and the Z-Boys on DVD again. Think the message might be adversity and being fearless breeds creativity.
Also read Death of Ivan Ilyich by Tolstoy, which was recommended by Mess. It was decent but seemed like a school syllabus book read by girls in an English class at a private school that requires them to wear uniforms with stockings.
It still feels like a bunker around here. This is definitely my bro's space.
Plus side of this week off is it makes Earth Hour that much easier; even my brother participated.

Day 2-
Harder to get up on day two. Realizing my bro blasts the tv. Radio stations plays the same craptastic music on repeat and Slacker Radio has miraculously appear on my BlackBerry. This gives me a solution to dealing with others watching tv in my presence and is only borderline cheating.
Skype mobile has also appeared for some reason on my BB. I'm confused by how to even use it on this thing.
Listening to Gorillaz radio now and it has finally clicked why I like Song 2 by Blur. I never made the connection that it was Damon Albarn singing it.
Time to drive to the mall. Green Acres is shitty- it only has one bookstore, a Borders Express.
Okay, I broke my internet rule but to be fair it was to QUICKLY look up a recipe for my mother who was busy. I made some double chocolate cookies

Day 3-
Raining outside today.
Do I do laundry? Grandmother has the tv on as I decide.
Shaq's mom wrote a book. She says she had a plan? What? bang a tall dude?
Hit the library, drive out to less shitty mall in Roosevelt Field.
Man, I hate Rihanna and Sean Paul's accents. His sound like some mishmash of Jamaican patois and a drunk Irish dude. This Carry Out song by Timbaland and Justin Timberlake is pretty decent- the lyrics are ehh but I still succumb to the Timbo effect. Bookstores are great but if you are broke you DEFINITELY like the library much more.

Day 4-
Flood time. Awesome. New neighbors are moving in today.
I woke up to usual- my brother bumping rap music and Law & Order on his tv. Is he playing Drake? No, that's TI. Good.
Walk the dog and I feel like I'm swimming in the street.
I finished a book I picked up yesterday. I realize I hate book series for two main reasons 1) the first book is a good book and I can't wait for the next one to be published or 2) it is a crappy book in series and I feel I wasted my time.
Listened to Sean Price aka Kimbo Price and had a flashback to the early '90s and Decepticons roaming the subways in Brooklyn. I like this Trap or Die joint by Jeezy, forgot about it but still a good listen.
I talked to a friend or should I say I listened to my friend. Just reaffirmed my women are crazy and men are dumb theory. Need to really write up that blog.

Day 5-
I was just texted by my friend that my Facebook was hacked. Fixed it and quickly got off the internet.
I need to get to the store for some art supplies soon. Wait. Oh yeah. I'm broke.
It's laundry time. I like this teenage girl's chunky headphones- they are black with a red number 6 inside a circle. I'm trying to remember where I have seen them before.
These notes I'm jotting down are like tweeting without Twitter. I do find myself missing the internet a bit.
Just revisited a variation of a story idea I had. Hey, the library has new yellow bags. They kinda remind me of the bank bags in the Jason Bourne movies but much cheaper.
Why are people surprised at flooding if you live by a shoreline? I was never shocked. This lady is whining like she was hit by Katrina.
Should I even do my taxes?
Another food question...why ask questions when the answer is always the same? I should look into male PMS. I might have that shit. Or maybe I'm just more irritable than I think I am.

Day 6-
Fell asleep at 8 pm woke at 12:30 am and then rose again at 6:35 am. I thought I set my alarm for 9:30 pm. Apparently not.
I turned on Z100 (NYC Top 40 station) and the morning show was on as I showered. They are having a discussion about Heathers and how people with that name were bitchy and/or slutty. I had to chuckle at this.
Holy Thursday is April 1st/April Fool's Day. I think there is a deeper meaning there with the catholic church's handling of abuse.
Yard work outdoors. I have that Justin Bieber song stuck in my head. Uh-oh. Do I have Bieber Fever?
I turn on Slacker for a cure and listen to NERD. Their music always makes me think about superheroes and Cali.
Missing vowels? Really, Gmail? That's the best you can do?
Should I get a haircut? The Rub is Saturday.
Grandmother had Marriage Ref on as I worked on something. I find I have to agree with my friends- it is funny. TV is still on with Leno now. Bobby Brown sweeps up on Jay's trivia contest- but he only beats K-Fed and Nicole Eggert so there is that qualifier....

Day 7-
Woke up and I am out of it. I had a dream about me trying to return a lost dog, going south and north, getting into a car accident and then arguing and fighting with 4 cops like I was a Watchmen/Matrix character.
As I walk this dog, I notice similarities between him and me- anger issues, bad teeth, rush for instant gratification, run into things blindly, sweet tooth, need haircuts constantly and constantly humping anything we could in the past.
Touching up a fake fight poster, Nope. I'm not going overboard but might be fear of failure kicking in.
I have to hit the library again. I like rocking my hat or hoodie but don't know if it's for comfort or protection or if it's a form of hiding.
Anyway, this has been a strange but enlightening week. Needed the break but now it's time for inane waste of time on the world wide web.
Why did we stop calling it that? Guess it is geeky but the internet is kinda geeky by it's mere existence.
Whatever. Peace.

The Traveler

I'm dedicated to this year being a WHOLE lot better than last year, which shouldn't be so hard to accomplish considering the general craptastic moments I had. I also am a realist and know that this goal of a good 2009 and further won't be accomplished over night. I still have a lot of work to do and I also have some stuff left over from last year to still deal with. Realistically, I won't see a substantial upswing until maybe April.

That being said, I have had a pretty meh first couple of days of 2009. New Year's Eve was okay even if low-key and sober but the last two or three days have been pretty piss poor. Getting stopped by the cops again, account and money issues, hours being loss at work, silly and not so silly arguments and being in a general funk have made this past weekend highly reminiscent of 2008. My roommate and my out-of-town pal offered to buy me a drink but I knew it would just make me more depressed and/or angry. I got so fed up with it last night I just went to sleep at around 8:30.

8:30. On a Saturday night. In Vegas. Yeah. Very wrong.

So, I wake up early to go to the library and do some writing and get my head clear. As always as this laptop takes a minute to come on and connect to the internet, I take a minute to stroll through the new fiction. Sometimes I'll find something I want or just something I wouldn't read but that turns out to be pretty good or at least a decent distraction. Today was no exception.

I picked up Traveler by Daren and Daniel Simkin. It had a nice basic cover and I was particularly interested because it was created by two brothers and I'm working on a story concerning two brothers. I was also recently thinking about trying to come up with something for me and my brother to work on because I fear we both might be treading water a little bit and might need a lil push.

Anyway, I open up the book and look at the pages and think this book is for kids. As I read it, I realize it could be for kids but it definitely contains a message for lost adults. Whether that's lost in love or being lost in your family or clueless with what you want to do, this book is for you. It's not a road map per se but it definitely makes you feel better about the choices or non-choices you have made. It sort of reminded me of Oh, The Places You'll Go! by Dr. Seuss, which is for kids but has more to say to young adults.

I don't want to give away much about the book because I think people should read it but I'll just say that the main character reminds me of myself, always searching for that perfect place and not living the life the way his friends do. They meet in the end and he is sad that he didn't do the things they did but they also want to hear how he did live his life differently than them.

This is particularly poignant for me on two levels.
First, I used to have a boss who told me that a man should look for something he is 75-85% happy with and be satisfied. Then, you can build on the rest. I think his point is that you can never find something that totally fulfills you but if you find enough things that do it most of the way the combination of them will make your life full. If we are always pursuing 100% happiness (which a lot of people do), we pass up the things with potential to get us to that place.
Secondly, I hang out with my friends when they visit here or when I go see them and I often find myself as the odd man out. They have taken pretty well-defined life paths and have a definite future that is pretty much set, either through good work or a passion that drives them. I always feel like the lost soul trying to get back on track. I was talking to my friend and he told me something that shocked me- he was at times a little happy for me because I just lived my life without boundaries and rules and just go with the wind. I told him I felt the same way about him and the others and I'm always scared that I screwed this thing called life up big time. But hearing that did make me feel marginally better and hopeful.

I guess we can't always see the positive aspects of our own lives and can appreciate those of others. The grass is always greener on the other side.

I still need to mow my lawn but it does make me feel better that someone sometimes peeks over my fence and thinks "Hey, you are living part of a life I want."

Fight or Flight

I would like to think of myself as a generally level-headed, easygoing guy. I try to mind my business as much as possible and not get involved in the affairs of others if I can. While this is certainly laudable (or I think it should be), my decision to not always speak up at every little thing is sometimes taken as me having a huge flight reaction.

On the other hand, when someone says something about my friends, or someone I'm just with or if I'm somewhat tipsy, my instant response is "I'm gonna break your face." This reaction has grown recently in my past few years and has been the side that my roommates have been exposed to so much to the point that I heard one of them commenting that he should invite a guy over and have me hurt him. Mind you I was in my room at 3 AM at this point and probably asleep in his head.

My problem is this- how do I balance my nice side which I like and I think the people who like me like a lot with the tune up the world side I try to keep under wraps?

I think a lot of time people seem to mistake my being quiet or kind or glossing over things for weakness. It's not. It stems from a fear of SNAPPING! I come from a family of SNAPPERS! From the oldest to the youngest. Just a question of degree. Someone shove you? SNAP! Someone was talking about you? SNAP! Who owes me money? SNAP! Any and everything was a pathway to an altercation, whether verbal or physical. A great deal of my childhood was just tests of toughness and not backing down. I failed a lot of these test because I was more concerned with getting through the day and not getting hurt. I didn't feel the need to prove myself in this regard as much as the others around me. My realm was books and being smart. (my younger self is the polar opposite of my later self) I was also scared since I kept a lot of emotions bottled up most of the time that my SNAPPING! would be so much worse and I wouldn't be able to stop myself.

This is not to say that I didn't have my SNAP! moments or points. Two that stick with me to this day is someone threatening my siblings and saying something about my mother. There are no solutions but SNAPPING! for me in those moments.

But as I have grown older I have noticed that although we are supposed to be a civilized society, a great many people only seem to respect or acknowledge physicality and violence. Just look at the rise in popularity of mixed martial arts (and yes there is discipline, training and honor in that but NO ONE would watch unless someone was getting punched in the face). And for all that shite about wanting a nice guy and someone caring, most people are going to go for that guy who can or appears that they can protect them in some way.

I get highly irritated when people doubt me or what I'm capable of in this regards. True, I'm not going to be the next UFC champ and I can't press 400 lbs. but I can guarantee I will walk through the worst neighborhoods and make it out with little trouble. Do not let the glasses fool you. When it comes down to it and its me or you losing, its going to be YOU. Every. Time.

So, where do I find this balance? How do I prove that I will fight without having to hit everyone from here to my house that accidentally jostles me? Or better yet, why do I have to prove myself to the world? The sad thing is I know I do and so do you.

Some of us are fighters and some of us aren't. Some of us talk shit and some of us don't. How can I live in balance?

If I had a ton of disposable income....

(like lottery level disposable) after I pay off any and all debt and quit working jobs that I don't necessarily love, I would do/buy these things-

1) travel around the world for 6 months to a year
2) force my mother to retire (there is no asking because she wouldn't do it if I asked nicely) and get her another house
3) pay for my niece and nephew's education
4) get a house away from everything to use when I want
5) wear nothing but t-shirts and jeans unless I choose to get dressed up (or as E says "Make people dress up to see me")
6) publish my own stuff
7) either learn to drive stick to buy one ridiculous sports car, fly a plane and/or get a van, turn it into The Mystery Machine and wear an ascot as I travel around the countryside solving mysteries with my gang of meddling kids
8) addendum to 5- robes. lots of robes a la Ghostface Killah
9) build a studio for my brother
10) vacations when I want

The Rundown (with Sean not Seann)

- arrived in the world early by at least a month. Very small baby. Spent a nice portion of my first few years in the hospital. Used to have epileptic seizures (possible west syndrome?) and stopped breathing at various points along with having to endure spinal taps. Good thing I don't remember any of that shite.

- my older sister gave me my first name. Why a five year-old was given that sort of power over my life, I don't know. Middle name came from my dad. Various mispronunciations and newly created nicknames ensue.

- got one full, angry younger brother, an older half-sister that I didn't realize was a half-sister until my twenties (not that it matters), an older half-brother from Coney Island that used to visit us in The Rock all the time when we were young. Found out I have another half-brother and half-sister a few years ago at my dad's wedding. Also, a younger step-brother now. My dad was busy.

- mother has been a hard-working telephone operator for as long as I can remember. Taught me all about hard work and dedication. She was the tough, scary parent. The real disciplinarian and I used to assume all arguments between her and my dad was mostly her fault but I grew up and learned the truth. In the past 6 or 7 years, I have gotten very close to her. Not an outwardly emotional person (hence, why I am who I am) but always looks out for her loved one and is extremely generous, to her detriment (another trait I seem to have unfortunately inherited as well, like my sis)

- father was the "cool" parent when I was little, i.e. he was the one who bought you cool toys and talked to you somewhat like an adult and was funny. He was the emotional one of the mom-dad duo. He was very relaxed, but this may have been very much due to marijuana abuse. Nation of Islam half-supporter, which was why I had to end my love affair with pepperoni for awhile and was always of the initial mindset that white people were the devil (except those who bought drugs from us-kind of like George Jefferson in that regard). Disappeared for days at a time, went to rehab, cleaned up his act, came back different and then just left one day not to return until he wanted the crap he bought back. Nice. As you can tell, I still have some unresolved issues with dude and haven't seen/talked to him since my brother was assaulted last year.

- always lived with my grandmother and aunt and various uncles who have flitted in and out of the house. Aunt always looked out in her own unique way and uncles contributed as well as they could but they are also the reason for my inflated "Fields Ego" at times, meaning the belief that we can get any woman we want if we say the right shite. Have slightly overcome that cocky mindset.

- emotions/emotion related activities in my house in my youth- anger, sarcastic responses (prerequisite for being in my family is having tough skin), not backing down from fights, non-use of the l-word and limited hugging or any other act to show the l-word.

- I was the third oldest in the living nearby cousin rankings. My sister was definitely in charge of all of us but she was also at least 4 years older than my only older cousin and his parents brought him by to play infrequently with us before they moved to Maryland (later learned they thought me, my bro and my other cousins were kinda bad influences- J.Witnesses, wha are you gonna do?). So, that made me the default one in charge when I could be bothered to lead. My father was sort of the official male role model for me and my cousins. Pretty good example, when he was there, outside of the drug use/selling but then again that was sort of a family tradition that still continues in some form ‘til this day. He left, I had to pick up the slack. Should have done a better job but I have kept the situations from getting worse than they could potentially be. Hopefully, my brother and cousins feel the same.

-Where I grew up....

Nuff said.

- exposed to drug use/selling at early age. also, other criminal activities were nearby at most times. definitely brings to mind a term from the movie Sleepers in my head- " a place of innocence ruled by corruption." This essentially means while the neighborhood is safe for children, the people in charge are often involved in illegal incidents. People followed some sort of rules back in the day though so I was never really worried except when police showed up. Didn't like cops as a kid- can deal with them for the most part now. Unless they are pricks. Hate prick cops.

- saw people shot full in the face before, as well as other extremities. One incident pops into my head instantly- must have been fifth or sixth grade and my sis' boyfriend (future husband) was visiting for the first time. Cool guy. He, my sis, my bro and me are inside the house at the time (don't recall if my cousins were there or not). my mother, grandmother and aunt were outside on the porch talking to some dude we knew from down the street. grandmother's husband was across the street probably doing something illegal. All in all a good night. That was until someone started shooting at my grandmother's husband. Or at least I think he was the target that evening. Think they only caught him in the foot but the man my grandmother was talking to was hit in the face. Bullet went in through cheek and out through the nose. What I remember clearly was my brother freaking out because he thought my mother might have got hit and my future bro-in-law keeping him and my sis calm. I also remember the dude leaking blood out in our hallway floor near the front door. Kinda weird scene to see around the age of 10. Wouldn't be the last time I saw someone hit like that either but luckily this guy made it. And my sis' boyfriend came back the next day. Dude gets all props for that because I'm not sure what I would have done in the same predicament. Kudos.

- didn't sleep a great deal as a kid, a tradition I carry on somewhat to this day. still only sleep about four hours now too. Always stayed awake until like 3 in the am constantly on the weekend with my father on the porch outside. saw a lot and heard a lot. Also stayed up a lot in the house so I was privy to discussions (read: arguments) that my brother missed between my parents. Lucky him.

- there used to be a show that filmed in our neighborhood for CourtTv called The System. It was about local crime. My bro and cousins were on it during a drive-by filming of our street. Lived next to the crack spot so that made our house a hot attraction. Well, that, and all the drug dealers that hung out at my house or on our porch. oh, and my father was on the intro for awhile-getting arrested. He went missing one night and found out he got arrested for drinking on the porch. Recognized him because he was wearing a letterman's jacket that I used to rock sometimes.

- had to replace a few house windows, dig bullets out of our wall and visit a rehab or two in my time (not rehab for me- for others).

- how I learned to swim- went to a party on the beach (literally, one block from my house). Random cousin of the birthday boy picked me up and threw me into the water as I was screaming my lungs out. "Swim or die." Guess which I did.

- went to public school until 8th grade with mostly minorities and some white people who were not of the highest caliber. Then went to private school and had to adjust and overcome my perceptions of all white people. Took me about three years to overcome my racism. Realized that white people aren't jerks because they are white. They just happen to be jerky AND white. Also met jerky black, hispanic and asian people.

- outside of e, al, shak and crew, my closest homeboy was normally a big white boy who was funny and/or violent on my bus. The first was dan reynolds who fell more into the violent column. Then there was neil mccarthy, who was definitely in the funny category. Good people, that neil. Still on my friends’ list on Myspace.

- another person who helped me overcome my initial dislike of anything other than me was Dee Madison. Cute, funny, smart ass blonde chick. Tough too. Reminded me of my mother a little bit in that last aspect. Had a crush on her but didn't make a move. Still had some of that old daddy programming in me. Plus, I was a punk. Also, on my Myspace friends’ list.

- that's not to say high school was all sweet. The table where all the minorities sat was nicknamed "the Nable". Guess why. Yeah….that was a fun time.

- drink a lot less than I used to. Used to swill a lot and get those moments of binging when I'm with crew still. Thinking my drinking really started in force after sophomore year of college when I was living in Georgia. Also, the vodka lemonades I had during the junior and senior years of high school didn't hurt. And when I say during, I mean DURING- like between classes.

- smoking of the trees begin around 16 and ended last year with differing periods of sobriety. Been exposed to second-hand since I could remember though. Not gonna go back. Done with it. T and crew will pick up my slack. Was fun while it lasted.

- outside of those two vices, I've only ever tried one other drug and that was mushrooms. Did them once. Won't do them again unless I become filthy rich. Wasn't a horrible experience but I'm in no rush to do again. That or drugs of any kind.

- girls/chicks/ladies/wimmens- normally attracted to the crazy, odd, and/or shat upon chicks. Don’t know why. Maybe it goes to a savior complex or I like trouble. Regardless, when I find myself attracted to a woman, I wonder what is gonna be the problem I will have to deal with later. Hopefully, I have broken this trend or I'm going to have to really re-evaluate myself.

- relationships- as you can tell, emotional expression is a difficult thing for me. Feel I am improving but I still need work. The only successful relationship in my family is my sister and her husband. All the others have not been good. Hence, my fear of marriage and long-term relationships in general. Also, don't want to be a total man-whore like my older male family counterparts.

- need to work on my focus. Used to like school and really get into my work. Since about high school that has been on the decline. Outside of moments of extreme focusedness (know it isn't a word but we use it anyway) on certain things, I need to dedicate my self to elementary school focus. 9 year-old Sean would be cursing out 28 year-old Sean right now. Used to rely on luck too much and still have a tendency to leap without looking. Need to address that too.