VDAY

Oops. Wrong Heart.

This is not going to be a post in support or against the holiday of Valentine's Day. I like it some years and I don't on other years. This isn't dependent on my relationship status but just how I feel on the day of. I'm not going to talk about whether or not it is just a corporate construction supported by the gift card makers/Lindt chocolateers/military-prison-industrial complex to appease the masses and boost the economy, if for only one day. I'm sure it probably has elements of this and elements from the original concept of love and dating and romance. *

No, I'm not going to talk about any of that in this post.

What I'm going to talk about is my favorite couple I like to see on this day.

Married couples are cool and you can always spot the married couples with kids by that slightly weary look on their faces. There are the elderly couples which are inspiring on any and every day. The dating folks in their twenties and thirties can be fun to watch but my FAVORITE...my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE?

Teens in love.

I love the awkwardness in the face of the guys and the joy and pride with the girls holding their flowers or their silly, large bears. Teens always walk that border between extreme cockiness and shyness and they turn it up to eleven on this day.

I love it.

I think part of what I like about these pairings is that it reminds me of my own past history of awkward fumbling towards love. As you grow older, the opportunities for first experiences grow smaller. First kisses, first loves, first heartbreak- you'll never get those again. These are important milestones and they are beautiful. I'm both envious of the young for their wide-eyed initial moments of romance and SO GLAD that I don't have to deal with those confusing emotions. Love is lovely and it is sweet when it is first enjoyed, Enjoy it.

And, kids? It gets better as you get older.

That's the proper heart.

*Plus, we all KNOW that the Illuminati are behind all our holidays anyway. STAY WOKE!

blackfriday*

Turning 35. Wow. That means I'm about to reach that border land age on surveys before it turns over into people kinda but not really caring what you think about products unless it's for your kids. Whoa.

Anyway....

There is a belief that every seven years the human body goes through a cycle of rebirth. That every cell in our bodies becomes brand new and we pretty much have a whole, new form.** This brings me to the old thought experiment of the Ship of Theseus or the Theseus Paradox.

"The ship wherein Theseus and the youth of Athens returned from Crete had thirty oars, and was preserved by the Athenians down even to the time of Demetrius Phalereus, for they took away the old planks as they decayed, putting in new and stronger timber in their places, in so much that this ship became a standing example among the philosophers, for the logical question of things that grow; one side holding that the ship remained the same, and the other contending that it was not the same."

—Plutarch, Theseus

Essentially, the experiment asks if you replace the pieces of a ship piece by piece but assembled in exactly the same way, it it the same ship or a totally new vessel?

I'm not sure about the ship. I don't know if it is now truly different but I can answer that question for me. 

No. 

And yes. Very much yes.

No, because I'm still the same person at my core that I have always been. I still have hope that the world can be better than it is. I still trust people more than I should sometimes. I believe that science has the potential to allow us to do anything. I'm still boyishly handsome. *** I still like geeky things and am always excited for what the next thing I've never read before is going to be.

Yes, because the things at the top of my priorities lists are still there but they have shifted around. Some of the things I would argue for or against have committed a complete 180. My faith in humanity has declined and risen and declined again.

35 years of dealing with humans can do that.

I appreciate the things that are the same about me and the differences that have arisen over the years. Sean at 7, 14, 21 and 28 are different dudes with the same inner being. 28 year old Sean was definitely a VERY different guy in that crowd. 

He was also, apparently, a ninja from Shaolin. Not the temple but Staten Island.

As I approach this personal liminal time of year for me, I often look back on what has led me to this new year of being, as I imagine a lot of people do. That often turns into an intense dissection of my life choices swiftly moving into personal judgments of my shortcomings shifting down into wondering if my choices have negatively affected the bad choices of some of my family and comparisons to my friends and age-specific peers.

Me and this dude are the same age and he is married to Lisa Bonet. Are we even the same species?

This all, ultimately, spirals down into me being depressed about where I am, how I look, what I haven't done and a wish to return to 9th grade so I could make myself do crunches, stay in, write, not listen to what people wanted/expected to me to be and stop pining over random girls who won't be interested in me and look at the ones that were actually interested. 

But not this year. This hasn't been my best year but I think it has definitely been one of the years with the most inner growth. I have done all the stuff that I just listed and I have definitely traveled down a dark road or two with the line of thought described above. You can ask a few friends I have been drunk with about those moments. But I've also, and this is fairly recent, come to appreciate the better qualities I possess. Sure, I make stupid decisions sometimes but they are mine to make and maybe they aren't stupid but just silly seeming now. Maybe my subconscious is guiding me more than I thought.

My path is not the same as my friends or family or even what people think it should be. I have to live for myself. I got stuff to work on and improve but so does everyone. There are things I want and things I have learned that I want and I know I have to change and/or adjust my thought processes to attain them. I'm committed to that, with a little of the old "Sean sucks" mentality.**** I have potential and can do amazing things. Just gotta do 'em.

I think this next year can be great for me. No. Will be great. I have to embrace aspects of the new/potential me (completing things, communicating better) and definitely have to tap into the good stuff from the past versions of me (hope, confidence bordering on cockiness). If I get all this together, I foresee a great adult. Gotta get that balance. It's about time.

Happy Birthday, dude!

I'm gonna make the rest of my life as good as I possibly can. 

Watch.

*I went back and forth over that title. It was a tossup which included Adultish, 35 Years Young and Gray Hair, Don't Care.

**Some people also say it's ten and science calls "bullshit" because our bodies are in a constant state of cell death and/or birth. Neither of these works with my post so I'm sticking to seven years. Suck it, science.

***These are just facts, people.

****I'm not going to say none because a)I know myself and b)I also use some of those darker moments as fuel to do stuff.

Being Grateful

I have it in my head what I want this post to be about but it may stray from that. I'll try to keep on topic. I've been up for a long time. (I also started writing it a while ago as you will see by the date)

So, today is Thanksgiving and it also happens to be my birthday. This means that it's a holiday so people are generally with their family and, you can ask anyone with a birthday on a holiday or big event, you learn quickly to not expect much. I took it as an opportunity to be by myself, go to the parade and think.

What my thinking got me was this post here.

I'm very thankful for my friends. I'm thankful for my family too, mostly but they know that.
I fear that I don't express my thankfulness for my friends enough. It's slightly easier to stay connected nowadays but it seems harder to connect. I "talk" to my friends a lot but that generally consists of text messages, IMs, tweets and leaving posts on their walls for my friends who are now or were always long-distance buddies. I'm only marginally better with my at home friends, I feel. We meet up maybe once or twice a month and they buy me drinks and we try to remain current with our lives while swaying drunkenly to beats. It's good but I could do better.

My friends are the best people in the world and they deserve better.

I'm broke right now and have been for awhile. Blame the economy, lack of educational standards in comparison with my peers, lack of jobs I'm good at that will employ me... whatever. I've been broke for awhile and if my friends weren't who they were I couldn't have enjoyed many a night.

I know they enjoy making their friends happy and a lot of them have been my friends for years so remember a time when I could buy a bottle like it was nothing and none of them will complain about getting me a beer but I still feel like shite when it happens. I shouldn't or I shouldn't TOTALLY feel that way but there it is.

Crazier situation- I've made a friend on Facebook a while ago. We became friends just because we shared the same name and eventually learned that we have overlapping geeky interests. This dude is awesome and a good guy to, again, "talk" to, as are a lot of my "internet friends."* What makes him more awesome is that he sent me movie tickets, twice, just because. This guy knows me but he doesn't know me like my other pals and he took it upon himself to just send movie tickets to a guy in another state with the same name because a) he thought a movie was good and I should see it and b)it was my birthday on the second occasion. **

And maybe that's what friendship is- taking a chance on some dude not being a jerk and enjoying their random happiness and hoping that they are appreciative. My fear is that because of my current condition my appreciation for ALL MY FRIENDS and ALL THE THINGS THEY DO isn't as explicit or at the level I want it to be. I'm positive that they know I'm grateful; I just want them to know the degree that I'm grateful for their existence. These are great folks and I can't begin to show my joy they have in my life with a bottle of wine that I can't currently afford.

SO, I make them this promise-

My first born or free copies of all my future works.

The former is highly unlikely as that I'm currently single and definitely not "mingling" like I want*** but the latter is definitely doable and I have a list of people who automatically get my stuff gratis.

This is the best I can do while I'm currently freelancing and without any of my lottery dreams coming true. I do hope it's enough and I'm sure it will be because my friends are stupendous and are selfless individuals who see things in me that I don't sometimes recognize or believe, love me and I love back with the power of ten thousand suns.



*I hate saying "internet friends" like it makes someone a lesser friend, especially now in 2014.
**I should also add c)because he is a great soul but that goes without saying I think.
***Plus, who really wants this deal except for Rumpelstiltskin. 

Grindin'

This is my nephew.

He's a senior in high school.

He's taller and cooler than me.

I'm old.

Star Shine

I just saw a news report about this place- Star Shine.
I'm not really the guy who needs a shoe shine but I got kinda excited about this.

Not for the cleavage view of the women but for the idea of drinking at a new venue.
Growth or a problem with booze?
You decide.

The Most Interesting Man In The World*

*or the closest thing to it in the group of dudes I know

"Let's say that there's an event and people around me get invited and I'm not invited. Some part of me will feel like a failure. How can you not? The real me knows that it's just an event, but doubt enters my mind about why I'm not there. Is it because I'm not good enough?"
- Questlove, Mo' Meta Blues

I have a friend from high school who is living the life. Actually, I have a few friends from high school who are living the life but this guy is perhaps the closest in what people that are single would consider "the life." He travels a great deal, always is up for a good time, gets me involved in shenanigans so noteworthy I have to scroll through photos on my phone from the night before to gain an accurate view of what happened, Memento style*, and he is never without a pretty and/or cool lady around.

So, this guy but younger and blacker.

What always amazes me is the fact that he always contacts me to hang out when we are in the same town. I mean I used to be a real barrel of monkeys and can still be pretty chill but I'm DEFINITELY am a Triple-A player compared to his Yankees level party abilities. So, I think about it and what it means because, really, what better way to enjoy time with someone than to WAY over-think it and question yourself being in that moment? Or am I the only one?

Then I look at my other friends and see similar effects. If there is an event involving alcohol and music, then I get the call. It's like I'm the catalyst to up the ante or continue the party or break out "the shark fin."** Or be "the black guy at the party."

The flip side to this and what I have been noticing more recently is that I'm very rarely invited to just chill events or sometimes I don't even hear from my friends unless something is needed or a party is going down. This is due to a lot of factors I think, including but not limited to my friends getting married, having kids, working on life dream moves.... basically, a lot of things I think the world believes I should be doing at my age.*** And I understand. I totally get it. I understand if I'm not invited to the couples outing or people getting busy working on something that they don't just holler out of the blue.

It doesn't mean it's not frustrating or disheartening. I would like the random "wassup with you?" text, especially if you are just asking what is going on with me with no other reason behind it. For the most part, I'll probably respond and then ask you the same and you can complain/brag all you want afterwards anyway. I like to hear about people's lives, if they aren't boring as shite. Hell, I even like random e-mails that are funny; it at least tells me this person was thinking about something interesting/funny and thought about me.

I actually looked at my e-mails for the last week or so and after I cut out spam, e-mail blasts (do people still call them that?) and e-mail threads I started, I think I had maybe 2 e-mails from someone not wanting me to do something for them and just saying "hey" or "look at this."

This is reading as whiny to me but I do feel sort of forgotten at times and even if that isn't reality, the feelings still remain. I honestly don't mind being alone and sometimes appreciate but I also feel lonely during those moments when I think about my pals and how I don't hear from them in the same volume. People change and grow and evolve and live their lives. I get it. It just sucks a bit when you feel and fear that those people you care about are outgrowing you.

Okay. That was depressing and more sad at the end than I really feel. I don't age like Hancock but I'm sure someone would pick me up from a hospital. Preferably Charlize Theron. But that feeling of being a part of the world but separate and lonely at times? I get that.

Anyway, that's my sad sack moment for the night. I'm sure once I get busier and back on course about some things, I'll feel better. Don't cry for me, Internet. Just recognize that sometimes a friend just needs another friend to give them a shout for no reason. It makes them feel better and will probably do the same for you.


*I seriously only kind of remember the 2008 Election Night in LV and only pieced that together from phone pics.
**Inside joke; sorry, I'll try not to do that again. It's too much to explain; well, not really but I'm just lazy about it right now.
***I actually am trying on these fronts, trust me...except for the kid thing. Wrap it up, kids!

TWEETYOURSIXTEENYEAROLDSELF

I just found out that #tweetyoursixteenyearoldself is a trending topic on Twitter. I have too much to tell my old self for 140 characters to work. Instead I just wrote a blog post for that kid. I would have included a pic for this but my scanner is playing games and I kinda looked like Dookie from The Wire in my yearbook pic. (Hey, we all were pretty funny looking as teens)
Here is just good advice for old me, new me, my future kids and maybe even you....

-observe what the world wants but don't try to fit in
-girls, ladies, females, women, chicas- you'll never understand. that doesn't mean not to try but don't kill yourself in the process. most of them aren't as complicated as they think anyway.
-being smart only goes so far
-being stupid goes even a shorter distance
-don't get a girlfriend just because your friends do
-follow your own path but also be like your friends, particularly in regards to a work ethic and especially that kid Eryan
-try harder, in everything
-you won't be a famous rapper or athlete; get creative
-anyway, you're gonna be angry at rappers in about a decade or so, so there's that
-ease up on your teachers. they have a tough job. maybe you'll find out more about it personally one day
-that girl you like? just ask her out. if you don't, you'll regret it. don't worry what people say. time goes by and people's memories are generally short. you'll only regret what you didn't do not what you did
-Oh, yeah. you'll feel this way about 2 to 3 other women at least. if she says no, it's not the end of the world. you'll survive
-you'll also meet girls you only kinda like and make out with them so that'll soften the blow a bit.
-being called Usher? USE IT.
-DON'T drink the tequila
-BAD WOLF (that's a geeky joke you'll get one frakkin'* day)
-Say what you feel and mean what you say
-Rock will be taller than you. by about a half foot. deal with it
-listen to Relle. sure she can be irritating now but she has been places you are going and has good advice
-most of the people you think are douchey now and you don't like probably won't be the same in a few years. give them a chance and the quiet ones too
-you won't be the same in a few years as well
-WARNING! some people who are douchey now are STILL douchey in 2010. figure out how to ask me and I'll give you the names.
-Try not to date girls with too many female friends. NEVER date a girl with NO female friends
-your dad may not be the best but he does have some okay advice sometimes
-DON'T give weapons to your little brother
-pay attention to the internet. it's gonna be huge. and annoying. and a time burglar
-By the way, Y2K? Bullshit.
-don't lie to impress people. it's cliche but be yourself. trust me it works
-move to Las Vegas for awhile. Or at last visit a lot and try to also live alone. it'll help you grow
-don't be afraid to be different but don't be different JUST to be different
-don't look for enemies or people to hate you. it sounds ridiculous but people in the future LOVE this. Yup, it's as silly as it sounds
-write down any idea you have. even if you think it's goofy. save it. look at it later
-keep drawing
-don't stop believing. not only a good song but good advice
-"Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength because it shows you have the courage to admit when you don't know something, and that then allows you to learn something new."
-that quote above is from Barack Obama. Our BLACK president. No shit. I swear to God, kid.
-don't be afraid to tell people you love 'em. it's not "gay"
-also, stop saying things are "gay". it's pretty immature and offensive. Do you really care what people do with their lives? No? That's what I thought. Let other people be happy. You'll have a lot of gay friends one day. And by the way, Doogie Howser? TOTALLY gay and HIGH-larious as hell. Trust me on this one. NPH is KING!
-sometimes it's okay to fight. just choose the right battles. just a tip- fight for people you care about? good. fights while drinking? bad.
-take up a hobby. maybe a sport
-don't be afraid- of failure, success or dogs
-try new things
-go to different places
-believe in something, even if it's just yourself


*you'll get this too

Talkin' Bout My Generation

Ahhh, Fall.

I like fall.

The leaves turn pretty colors. The summer heat begins to abate and it no longer feels like Hades outside. I can rock hoodies, which I love because I look good in hoodies and they make me look bigger. Pretty new college students sneaking into bars and clubs that I can look at like a creepy old man. Yes. Good times.

But maybe the real reason I like fall is the beginning of a new television season.

Now, this might not mean much to those who never had television turn off at a certain time of the day, who never had only about five channels to watch or don't remember not having a summer season. But it still means a good deal to me. Fall season starting for television means my old favorites like Fringe and Community are coming back. It also heralds the start of new series that I might waste my time on, such as Lone Star or Boardwalk Empire.

It also means that there are also shows that I'm avoiding like the plague- The Event(LOST multiplied by 4400;no thanks), Mike & Molly (you describe yourself as a fat-com and I'm out) and finally, My Generation.


Now, don't get me wrong. I'm sure this is a fine show for some people and the people on it are good actors. I'm just not going to watch it right now. This just seems like television about remembering the "good ol' days" of high school. The time when we were all dumb and hopeful. That's fine and I love watching old episodes of Dawson's Creek but I don't want to compare that against the cold reality of adulthood. All the dashed hopes and dreams unachieved.

For example, from what I can tell from the commercial it appears one couple got married because they got pregnant and the husband enlisted to support them, killing his athletic dreams. I admit that that is dramatic but it is also a bit of a downer.

I watch television generally as an escape from the mundane and this series hits a tad too close to home. Maybe that is saying too much about my life's course and my bad decisions but at the end of it all I'm gonna have to take a pass on this show for now.

Maybe I'll catch it after they cancel it like I did with October Road.

I'll probably watch that No Ordinary Family show though. Sure, it's pretty much just The Incredibles (which was just the Fantatic Four) but it'll be a cheesy distraction for like three weeks.

Sparkly Vampires and Ethnic Werewolves

RANTRANTRANTRANTRANTRANT

Stephenie Meyer writes the dreams of teenage girls and that speaks to grown women. Just ask my female friends. It is because we are all still 14 at heart. We are all pretty much still that scared. embarrassed, awkward person we were in junior high school or high school until we become fearless. Most of us aren't or don't achieve that which is why these books/movies are a hit

I don't think she is alone in this. A lot of things capitolize on this thinking. Rom coms do it (and I love em) but everyone knows it's bs and it's not as stalkerish or weird as the weird teen fiction that is pushed by this.

I just think that what teenage girls like isnt healthy. That's why they have entire talk shows devoted to their poor decision making.

END TRANSMISSION...

Fraudulent Work

Looking back and realized my last 3 or so posts have been about things that piss me off. I do recognize that this site out of all my other sites is a little bitter but I do like to inject a little levity into it from time to time. With that in mind I stole this little post that I was going to use for my non-drinking site. Enjoy yo'self....

8 FAKE JOBS I'M GONNA SAY I HAVE AT PARTIES-

I go out (or used to got out) to a fairly decent, and at one point some would say indecent, amount of parties. As you past into the age of majority, parties and meeting new people become pretty much routine. You walk up to someone who appears attractive/interesting/easy/desperate for attention and strike up a conversation. With very few remarkable cases, the topics of conversation are pretty much always the same-

-"How long have you known such-and-such?"
-"Where are you from?"
-"Is that a good program for me/my preschooler/my drug addict uncle?"
-"Man, this weather is crazy, right?"

There is slight variation but the one question that ALWAYS comes up is
"What do you do for a living?"

I HATE this question.
For a few reasons this question annoys me, the chief being that unless that person is self-employed or has dedicated their life to their career it doesn't really tell you anything about the individual. I'm more interested in what you do for fun. I mean you can tell me you're a heart surgeon but I'd probably be more willing to engage in a conversation with you if I knew your hobby on Saturday afternoons was engaging in large-scale LARP (ask a nerd) in a local public park. I mean that shit is CONVO GOLD, son.


Meet your surgical staff. Hey, Dr. Tumnus and Nurse...Snake-Eyes.

I also hate this question because of the reaction I get when I tell people what I do. I like tutoring/teaching and have enjoyed doing it for the past few years. I also like writing and hope to do that for my life but when you tell people this stuff you get either a nice nod, a statement about either the education in this country sucks or it is a "spiritually rewarding job" (which it is but that's really a nice way to say "Hey, how's that Ramen taste, chief?" *) or they ask you how you can do it. Bastards.

To combat this potential lull in the conversation I sometimes encounter I have come up with 8 Fake Jobs that I'll tell people I do. (And I mean fake as in I don't do them.** Obviously, some of these jobs exist. The others...should)

HARPOON SALESMAN-
A noble profession, a harpoon salesman allows one to talk in a raspy voice and curse a lot. If you are selling harpoons to sailors you are familiar with that element and should be a salty sea-dog as well. ARRGGGHHH! It's like being a pirate with full dental in my mind.

This fake job affords you the opportunity to make up fanciful stories about giant fish and kraken and "bringing down the great beast." Plus, you can use it if you had eye surgery and are required to wear an eye-patch. Everyone always says pirate with an eye-patch. You are unique and say harpoon salesman is the way you making your drinking money.

Note- Do not use if you are a dude trying to pick up a hot vegan/animal rights advocate. Will blow up in your face against the power of Greenpeace.


CHOCOLATIER-
I stole this one from my boy Sung. It's genius. I mean, who doesn't love chocolate? (What? You don't? Weirdo...)

I imagine that you can invent stories of how hard it is to get fruit and nuts into those small bars or you can lead a group discussion on the merits of caramel versus peanut butter. Maybe you can discuss the history of nougat.
You don't know about nougat?

FUCK IT.
Who is gonna call you out on it? Who does know about nougat?



I mean, besides THESE guys.


WISHING WELL DESIGNER-
You are the crafter of dreams and the maker of magic. You create little portals to wishing that, hopefully, no little kids will fall down. That would be sad.

Wishing wells are a well-known (excuse the pun) aphrodisiac. No really. Test it out. Try telling someone you are an artisan that crafts the receptacle of dreams and NOT be making out with that person in the span of eight minutes.

Just look at that gods-damn thing. Magnificent.

Go on. Try it. I dare you. I'll wait...







See? Told ya, son.

FYI- Just make sure you tell them that no little girl was dumped in there to later haunt people with a death tape. It's a mood killer, like Herpes meds in the medicine cabinet.

AWKWARD.


PIE COURIER- Just like chocolate above, who doesn't like pie? (What? That's it. You have to go, buster)

Everyone likes pie. You might not like all of it but I'm sure there is a type for you out there in the world. They come in such a varied assortment.

Apple. Rhubarb. Cherry. Chocolate. Whipped cream for clowns. Even mince-meat for you sick freaks out there.

With being a pie courier, you have the double hit of being able to talk about delicious dessert and all the weird people you encounter on your routes. Or you can invent pie emergencies, like that one time that famous celebrity party almost died until you came and saved the day with the Blueberry Special No. 7.


What I imagine a pie courier to look like. Delivering to Niggars.


KNIFE THROWER- The best job in the circus after anything acrobatic and being a lion tamer. So you are probably saying to yourself "Self, why would Sean recommend I use this fake job instead of the superior two?"

Number one, stop referring to yourself in the third person. It's annoying. Only Sean can do that.

Number two, it's simple. If you are an acrobat, people expect you to be fit and pliable. You can be a FAT knife thrower. If you are a lion tamer, you have to be brave/crazy. You can be a TIMID knife thrower. I mean you are throwing knives AT someone, not vice-versa)

Although I suppose one could be a CRAZY knife thrower if you want to work that angle.


Relax. And, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T MOVE!

As a knife thrower, you are free to make up tales of near misses, traveling a lot, being away from family(sympathy angle) and all the interesting people you meet/work with.
Plus, if someone asks you to throw a knife just say you pulled something and you can't. Who is really gonna argue with a guy that can accurately throw knives at folks?


SANDWICH ARTIST- Yes, I mean that kind of sandwich artist. A SUBWAY Sandwich Artist. You might not think this is a wise choice but I think it is awesome if you follow one highly simple rule-

Play this role as if you were a HIGHLY SERIOUS Sandwich Artist.

There should be no hesitation, no fear and definitely no shame.

Commit to the lie and take pride in your work and it's artistic merit.

You are employed and make an honest living. We are living in a recession and you have a job.

This lie works best in the most highly sophisticated of wine and cheese affairs. To have the balls to attend one of the cotillions and then say you work at a minimum wage job shows you have no fear. An are probably a tiger in the sack or at the very least someone to know.

On top of that you are a DAMN ARTISTE. (Make sure you pronounce it AR-TEEST)

Fuck Quizno's. I make ART, dammit!

Compare yourself to Van Gogh and DaVinci. Just do it. Only haters would DARE say something.
Run with the beautiful lie, you BLT Rembrandt.

UNDERWATER WELDER- I picked this for one reason above all- NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT THIS JOB.

I mean you THINK you know but unless you are in this field, you don't.

Underwater welding, besides being lucrative($60-80 per hr, I believe), is a perfect career to invent fake stories about. All you need to do is take the lies you told with being a Harpoon Salesman, add a dash of anything you saw on an episode of Deadliest Catch, some stuff you saw the guys at SeaWorld do and a pinch of using power tools and TA-DAH! you are officially an underwater welder.

Plus, any and I do mean ANY scars you have can be attributed to your job. You are like a cowboy-mechanic-Aquaman combo.

PORN STUNTMAN- WARNING! This should only be used in the most liberal of situation and/or by only the boldest of liars. If used in the wrong venue, incorrectly or not fully committed to, it will blow up horribly in your face.

The plus side about this fake career is that even if it falls apart on you, you can turn it into a joke and either referencing your real boring ass job or one of the other 7 above.

When you use this lie, don't make a lie about "tagging out" with a porn star to body double during sexual acts.
One, nobody believes that.
Two, who wants to be the stand-in girl during the fellatio scene?

Instead, lie and say you are the stuntman on a regular stunt-type action scene. Like you worked on a porn with a random car chase and you were the limo stunt-driver while the girls were "having fun" in the backseat. Or you were the stand-in for the pizza boy when his bike somersaulted over that truck in front of the lonely MILF's house. We are going for some semi-believability here, people.

Or fuck it, say YOU ARE A STUNT DOUBLE DURING THE SEX SCENE.


I got this T.O. ***

Just make sure that any fictional career you choose that you follow these simple rules-

-Commit fully.
-Stay in character.
-Invent interesting situations.
-Be earnest.
-And when the story ultimately falls apart (oh, and it will), SMILE and make sure the other person enjoyed their time they spent with you.

Because, at the end of the night, life and parties are about having a good time.
Cheers.


*- Delicious, by the way.

**- There are, of course, jobs like ninja, cowboy, lumberjack and space pirate but I wanted something a little more outside the norm.

***- Saw him on Bangbus once so it COULD happen.

V- Day Advice

Don't do this. Seriously.
(I do #2 like an arse sometimes)

Happy V-Day to all the ladies in the world!

Alpha- Zeta

something just to fill space and pass the time...have something new tomorrow.

A. Attached or single? Single. Mostly. Kinda. Ok, let's just say it gets complicated at times.

B. Best friend? E, Al n Mess.

C. Cake or pie? Cake. Fuck pie. Chocolate preferably.

D. Day of choice? Friday. Most would pick Saturday but since I work pretty much everyday Friday is the most relaxing.

E. Essential item? Dogtag.

F. Favorite color? Blue.

G. Gummy bears or worms? Worms are superior to bears. More gumminess for your buck.

H. Hometown? New York City and more particularly Far Rockaway, Queens. Don't sleep, son.

I. Favorite indulgence? Watching DVDs in a quiet bedroom.

J. January or July? I guess January. Less work, new start and none of that make me wanna murder heat.

K. Kids? I don't have any. I think.

L. Life isn’t complete without? My friends and some of my family.

M. Marriage date? None currently.

N. Number of brothers and sisters? Whew. Okay. 2 older brothers. 2 older sisters. 2 younger brothers. That's all. I think.

O. Oranges or Apples? Apples. Oranges are only good for juice.

P. Phobias? Dogs (but only a little bit now). Failure. Destitution.

Q. Quote? We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.- Oscar Wilde

R. Reasons to smile? I'm probably not at work right now.

S. Season of choice? Fall (or Autumn, if you wanna get fancy). I like hoodies.

T. Tag 5 people: Nope. If you wanna do this, then just do it.

U. Unknown fact about me? I really think you guys know everything I'm willing to share. Okay, I have the amazing talent of passing up booty for months. It's not as easy as it sounds. Trust me.

V. Vegetable? Cucumber. Is that a vegetable or a fruit? Think its a vegetable.

W. Worst habit? Procrastination.

X. X-ray or Ultrasound? Alright....X-Ray, I guess. Like the images. Makes me feel like Superman.

Y. Your favorite food? Anything burger related. Or salmon.

Z. Zodiac sign? Sagittarius and read into that whatever you want.

Handy Tool to Keep in Your Pocket

Think this is a good graph to utilize.