Idiom Series Seventeen

I got nothing. Anything, Sir Rick James?

"Hate To Say It..."

C'mon, son. You LOVE the chance to say it. If you didn't, you probably wouldn't even be thinking it, much less letting those words come to your lips.

I find that people who say this generally are the same people who must have the last word in anything. They have to express their opinions and that's cool most of the time. But sometimes they become arseholes and just want to say things to irritate or prove that they are correct, even if they aren't. Victory is vital for this special brand of human.

If you really hated to say it, guess what you could have done?

That's right because this is going on in my head whenever you speak anyway.

Idiom Series Sixteen

Not so Sweet Sixteen. BLAM! I got my mojo back!

"Now, I'm just playing devil's advocate here but..."

Just shut the frak up! Really. You saying this doesn't take away from the fact that you are about to say some REAL offensive shite.
It's almost as bad as when someone says "Not to sound racist/sexist/homophobic." Guess what? Whatever is coming out of your mouth is sure to be racist/sexist/homophobic. I'm pretty sure I have never encountered a situation when that hasn't happened.

And, come on, does the Devil really need an advocate? He/She/It does fine all by him/her/itself. I don't think the Devil is looking for you for backup. Been working alone for millenniums; the Devil is fine.

So, if you feel this statement creeping up in your throat, shut your mouth and don't say whatever is going around in your pea-brain.

Thanks, The World. And, I'm guessing, the Devil too.

Idiom Series Fifteen

Fifteen... Freshman Fifteen? I got nothing, folks.

"Things could be better/worse."

Typography by Josh Lafayette.

Another one I'm guilty of using too much AKA saying it at all.

OF COURSE things could be better or worse. You could always be more happy, have a little more or enjoy the experience on a deeper level. You could also get hit by that car, lose your job or catch terminal cancer that'll take your life in three to six months.



This is LIFE.

It goes up and down. To say this either a)makes you seem like a slow thinker if you are saying it and/or b)seem like an asshole for stepping on someone's current position in life. Maybe all they wanted was someone to congratulate them or just acknowledge their pain. It's obvious that their cut in salary may not be as bad as the starving kid's very existence in a Third World country but it is still cool for you to be like "I'm sorry to hear that. Let's get a drink."

It's the simple stuff, folks.

Idiom Series Fourteen

Seven is my favorite number and is probably a lot of other folks' favorite number. So, it should stand that twice such an outstanding number would give you an equally awesome or even better number. Alas, this doesn't work out, like being with twin hot sisters. It just gets awkward and, hence, we have fourteen.

"I'm not surprised."

Bullshit. If you knew this was coming, why didn't you warn the rest of us, Nostradamus?

No. You were just as surprised as the rest of us, buddy. You are just to smug to admit it.

Jerkface. You have the face of a jerk.

See?

I have a number of friends who say this. I think they do it to prove how jaded and worldly and knowledgeable they are. That behavior was acceptable when you were in your dumb teens to stupid early to mid twenties, but you are an adult now. And, unless you are an immortal vampire, chances are something is gonna surprise you most of the time. The person might not catch you off-guard but I bet you even money their dumb and/or heinous actions did. Hell, Olivia Benson on Law & Order: SVU is still surprised at times after all these years.

So, stop being smug and admit it. You were just as much in shock as the rest of us, pally.

Idiom Series Thirteen

They say the number is thirteen is unlucky. I don't believe that. Plus, this post is being thrown up in 2013. That's lucky, right?

"Best ever."

I'm guilty of using this one excessively. It's really a stupid thing to say. I freely admit it. There has to be a better way to convey your appreciation of something without using this piece of hyperbole.

This statement is an impossibility. The only way to know something is the best version ever is to know every version. I guess you can say "This is the best thing I've ever seen" although that is probably untrue or maybe you would  be in the clear if you said "This is the best ever, so far."

But the thing is no one restrains themselves in that way. We always go for the extreme argument. Hell, I'm doing it now. This idiom is annoying and must die but won't.

It is a Highlander idiom and I will continue to try and chop off its head as much as possible.

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

Idiom Series Twelve

Double sixes. Must mean something in some game. I just don't recall. You would think I celebrate 4/20 or something.....

"Look, I'm a tolerant person..."

No. No you aren't. Tolerant people don't have to say that. If you start out in a defensive mode it is usually because you are about to come from an almost indefensible position with little to no merit and definitely without tolerance for your opposing viewpoint.

Stop saying you are tolerant and actually be tolerant. Become an open-minded human being.

Then I'll tolerate YOU.

Idiom Series 'Leven

Eleven. That's all I got for the number 11. (He's one of my DJ homeboys- he's cool as a polar bear's toenails)

"I know for a fact...."

Very rarely when this is stated does the person saying it ACTUALLY knows something for a fact. Most of the time it's said to win an argument and the person only has, at best, a strong hunch about something.

Eight times out of ten, the information they are referring to has been gleaned from some great source like something a distant cousin mentioned while drunk, a television show that has been off the air for a few years, that one thing they saw that one time on the Discovery Channel or that movie they caught on TNT last night. Or maybe they got it from Wikipedia, that fount of accurate internet knowledge.


Sean likes this site better. [citation needed]

If you find yourself with this gem on the tip of your tongue, STOP!
You are either in a stupid argument, arguing with an asshat who doesn't believe you anyway and/or you are the asshat losing an argument, struggling to save yourself from losing by trying to grasp the little bit of knowledge on a subject that you think you have.

Trust me. Stop it. You don't.

I know it for a fact you don't.

Idiom Series Diez

Ten Lords a-leaping? Huh? When has that ever happened? Whatever....

"It's not you, it's me."

To be fair, sometimes the person actually means it when they say this. I'll say two times out of ten this is said with truth in the statement. (The number rises significantly when they you in question is ME but I digress)

Most of the time...guess what? It is YOU.
You did something that the other person couldn't deal with. I mean we are all screwed up to a point. Some people are worse than the norm though. This little gem of a statement is reserved for them.

Let's say that you are trapped in a cage with a wild animal who can snap at any moment. The only way out for you is to appease them and slowly back out of that cage. So you speak gently and walk back to the doorway while you keep a steady eye on the beast.

This is the same method you employ with the crazy person you are trying to leave because, just like a wild animal, they won't be reasoned with and won't change their nature because you try and show it to them. The best and only response is to say that statement, get your shit and bounce.

The problem I have with this statement is the ubiquity of it. People use this line so much that is a cliche and means nothing at this point. On top of that, most people can and need a little constructive criticism when their relationship is being dissolved. You don't just do this to make yourself feel better (read-feel superior) but you do this to help that person learn not to make those same mistakes in their future relationships.

I just re-read Things I've Learned from Women Who Dumped Me and, although a funny book written by comedians, the wisdom that these men gained from failed relationships is invaluable. It is indeed true that you can learn from the mistakes of others and this book is like a guidebook of how not to do stupid little things or how not to deal with women who will just use you with no hope for a future. I suggest both sexes check it out.

So, yeah, sometimes it is your fault and you should admit it.

And, yeah, sometimes you are dealing with someone who is so screwed up that you can't help him/her so say it to escape relatively unscathed.

But most of the time it's a joint failing and you should take responsibility for your own errors but don't let that other person off the hook. It doesn't help you and it definitely doesn't help the other person if you lie to them. Honesty is one of the pillars of a good relationship and a good break-up.

Because you know what? It is YOU. Cowboy up and change.

Idiom Series IX

Jordan, Wade and The Natural rocked it so it's a good number. Then again so did the Nazgul...

"You're a....Think of something."

I hate this statement because it can come at you from two negative fronts.
Situation 1) Let's say you are a repairmen and you fix pipes. You don't necessarily want to be a pipe-fixer but situations outside of your control made you one/you are using pipe-fixing to pay your bills/pipe-fixing is a family tradition you must uphold/pipe-fixing is just there until you achieve your dream....whatever. The point is you don't want to be Mario but you are.

"I'm sicka alla da pipes, jabroni!"

So you don't like your job. To deal with not liking your job, you go hang out with some folks at, let's say, a party. During the cost of the evening, something happens with the toilet. This is sort of but not entirely in your area of expertise from work. Someone knows you are a pipe-fixer.

Random Douche- Hey, man. You're a pipe-fixer. Think of something.

What?

I hate my job as a piper-fixer. I came here to get away from pipes. Nintendo lied to us. There are no princesses in sewers nor giant fighting turtles with atrocious language skills. There are no pipes to even be fixed in this situation. Why are you making me do something I hate? Bastard.

Situation 2) Maybe you LOVE what you do. Maybe you are a world-class or aiming to be a world-class illustrator. You hone your craft to create elaborate pieces and enjoy the intense labor and the reward of working hard to make awesome images. It's not a hobby for you- it's your life passion.

"I'm about to paint some ill shit, bitches."

So there you are, a painter. Chilling. Enjoying a day at the park. Minding yours. A friend comes by and sits next to you about nothing like friends do. Suddenly, in the middle of the conversation....

Friend- Man, I've been trying to come up with this icon for this shitty thing/something that doesn't really matter. Could you sketch out a picture of a dog or something. I mean you are a painter. Think of something.

Excuse me.

Listen, you'll probably sketch something out for the person or fix the toilet because those are people you care about but it doesn't make the situation any cooler.
For one, they are asking you to actively engage in something you can do and are proficient in but don't necessarily like or want to do at the moment. I mean, you wouldn't ask a porn star on the street to randomly starting boning you...


Okay. Maybe that's a bad example.

But you wouldn't just randomly go up to an actor or comedian and be like "Perform a scene" or "Make me laugh, you clown." Unless you are a dick.
Are you a DICK?

Secondly, just because I CAN do something doesn't mean I WANT to do it every second of the day. Everyone needs a break, even from the things they love. Why do you think we have babysitters? It's not that people don't love their kids but sometimes you need a break from them to get your head straight. And not choke 'em.

Sometimes literally.

Lastly, especially in the example of the painter, it's sometimes insulting to have a person perform a generic task that tangentially relates to what they are doing. How would you feel if you were Shakespeare and someone asked you out of the blue to come up with a catchy jingle? Sure, you could probably do it but why are you being asked to be demeaned for your talent?

And it's not just creative professions either. You don't find out someone is a heart surgeon at a party and ask them to look at something on your foot, right?

It's okay to do this once in a while with your friends but don't make it a habit. Think before you ask someone to "Think of something." Put yourself in their position and see how it feels for a second.

You're a human being. Think of something.

Idiom Series Ocho

Sometimes eight is not enough.

“Do you know what time it is?” (and all variations of this)

Now you may think this term is innocuous. The way it is written it is. Reading it on this page you just think it may be someone just asking what time it is. No, the way in which this is an annoying statement is in the way it is presented.
For example.....

You show up late somewhere due to forces outside of your control

You- "Hey. I..."

Other- "Do you know what time it is?"

My problem isn't even so much that the person is slightly upset that you are late. Ignoring punctuality is a huge pet peeve, if you know me.
The problem is the cocksure nature of the person who asks you this question. OBVIOUSLY you know what time it is. Does that person having you repeat the time make them feel better or in some way superior? Is that what is going on? Does reducing you to a child make their annoyance that much easier to swallow?

Other variations of this include-

- "Hey, do you know what time you were supposed to be here?"
If I'm late, then that means I didn't know what time I was supposed to be there. Or I couldn't make it and something kept me from contacting you. 9 times out of 10 it's the former. So, please, I don't need the sass. I can read a watch. There was apparently some sort of miscommunication and you think I'm 8 years old.

- "Does that make you feel good...?"
Well, there are 2 ways to answer this.

Yes, I do. I'm feeling like an asshole right now and this makes me feel good.
No, I don't. I messed up and I'm sorry.

The point is you already know the answer to that question so why ask? Is it going to change the fact that you are most likely pissed off?
No?
That's what I thought.

- "So, were you going...?"
Listen, I was either going to tell you about it or I wasn't. More than likely I was when the time was right. Do not make me feel like a dick for trying to protect your feelings about your girlfriend cheating on you, me leaving or any other thing that might potentially ruin your day. Sorry for trying to be nice.

- "Did you get that e-mail/note/report/package?"
No. I didn't. Good-bye.

Idiom Series Septa

Lucky number 7.

"I want what's best for you."

I've been thinking about this one for awhile. It seems to pop up pretty regularly in conversations I hear between educators and students, parents and children, friends and people in relationships. "I want what's best for you." It forces me to think about what that person is saying and I have come to the conclusion that it is somewhat bullshit.

A person who is saying this to you isn't really (for the most part) saying what they really think they are saying. Sure, the person you hear it from may REALLY want what is best for you but their vision of this and your vision are usually different things. They want what is best for you to be for you to fulfill some image or idea that they WANT for you to do or become. They want you to become this potential person that exists in their head. This person, although great, may not be you or even remotely who you want to be. They desire you to be satisfied with a life that they choose for you, if you want it or not.

I'm not taking anything from the thought process and emotional attachment behind this statement and the goodwill that it is usually said with but there exists a better statement. A statement that really conveys that this person cares about you and it isn't about you fulfilling this role they have created for you in their mind.

I want you to be happy.

This simple statement is very similar to the one this Idiom Series entry is about without the burden of becoming someone that you might not be or even want to be. It also fulfills the emotional element that someone who truly cares about you would want to convey.

So, next time those words begin to bubble out of your mouth- PAUSE. Think about what you are really saying and what you truly want from that person in front of you. If you want them to become this person in your head and settle for a life you planned out for them, go right ahead and say it. If you really care that this person is enjoying and living life to the fullest, then say the other statement and mean it.

I mean, because at the end of the day I just want you to be happy. Seriously.

Next in Series- TBD

Idiom Series Hexa

Installment sexy six. Awwww, yeah…..

“No offense. No disrespect.”

(This one sorts of builds on Idiom Series Installment Four- “But you’re different…”)

In the past few days (hell, really the last almost 20 something years) I have heard the same statements repeated to me by different people.

-Guys are losers.

-Men are dogs.

-Guys are slower in their development than women.

-You can’t trust males.

Etc, etc, etc….. I can go on with other variations on the above theme for awhile. (And, at times, you other fellas make it hard for me to fight for you) Generally, the point is that men are flawed and it’s epidemic for the gender.

Except for me.

I say except for me because these statements are made to me always (okay, 90% of the time) followed with the disclaimer “No offense” or “I don’t mean you.”

C’mon. You mean to tell me that all the males you meet are horrible people except for me? And why shouldn’t I be offended? You just used an insult brush to paint the male gender as inept buffoons who are incapable of being on the same level as you emotionally, mentally or whatever other aspect of human expression that you find important at that particular moment.

Additionally, just because you say no offense doesn’t negate the fact that I’ll get offended. Actually, if you omitted that phrase at the end of the comment, I would be less offended. You saying that means that you thought about what you said and felt the need to explain rather than it just being a situation where you are angry and just wanted to vent.

(Okay, I apologize for using women as the scapegoat for this one but they have been the ones who have used it with me recently and I feel that if I did the reverse to one of them that I would quickly have my “except me” status revoked)

Other groups of people do it as well, especially in regards to race. Can not tell you when I have heard a borderline racist comment made followed by “No disrespect.” Takes an EXTREME amount of willpower to not spaz out. Plus, I just don't have that amount of time.

Here’s a suggestion- How about not making general ass comments/statements and take people as they come?

I have told my friends before I don’t dislike people because they are male/female/gay/straight/black/white/Asian/Hispanic. I dislike them because they are pricks and they just happen to be male/female/gay/straight/black/white/Asian/Hispanic. Wish everyone could be the same in their approach but then again people are ignorant.

No offense.

Next In Series- TBD

Idiom Series Cinco

Installment number FIF!!!!!!!!!!!

“Fine.”

Fine is only truly meant when it is said by a male five minutes after whatever issue/situation has passed. Or when used to describe a piece of china.

Or one of these ladies.

That’s it. Period. Let’s move on.

Next in Series- “No offense. No disrespect.”

Idiom Series Quad

“But you’re different…”

Sometimes you meet a person who IS different. Someone there is a person that means a lot more to you than the normal person of the opposite sex that you encounter. This is more than even the person that you are in love with or in a relationship with. This might just be a special friend (not special like that but someone you can be close with). There are those people.

But guess what? Normally, no you’re not that person.

Don’t like being the person to bring the doom and gloom but I’m stepping in for my brother on this one (check his blog on my list to the right). If a person tells you this multiple times because

-there is someone issue that pops up constantly

-that person doesn’t have time to contact you

-they got frustrated and tired of your whining about the above issues

-they said it to explain hanging out with someone else

then usually you are not different. You are just one of five people in that person’s rotation.

I know, I know. There does exist that special person for everyone or at least that’s the theory. Unfortunately, it’s usually not you at that moment.

You’re not different.

Sorry.

Next In Series- "Fine."

Idiom Series Tres

"Do you want to take this outside?”

Been encountering this one more and more lately and....

HAHAHAHAHAHA…..I’m sorry. This one just always makes me laugh. HA! Who seriously says this? Oh, yeah. Douchebags in clubs.

If you ask someone if they want to take something outside, that is telling that person that you are 1) uncreative, 2) unintelligent, 3) don’t really want to fight for real and 4) have a small penis. Let me further explain it to you….

1) You are uncreative- This is SUCH a cliché movie line. It is so badly used that I can’t even recall the last time they even used it in a movie. Think of something clever, bub, if you wanna do the man-dance.
2) You are unintelligent- Refer to 1). Also, if “taking it outside” is how you choose to solve a problem, you may want to rethink your schooling. Fights are always the last resort and people who normally say this don’t think that way. Nimrods.
3) You don’t want really want to fight for real- There are two types of fights- the first is for show and is pretty and is used in front of crowds to impress them. The second is dirty, fast and about winning- that’s all. People who get into the first fight scenario are usually not here to fight; they are here to show off in front of their friends. This is normally the reason why there is a lot of lip-bumping before these people fight. We will call these people punks.
People who engage in the second fight usually end up there after much inner debate. They are there to win or survive and want to do it quick. They have no time to get friends to showboat in front of. Let’s call these people grown-ass men. Guess which group the “take it outside” guy falls into?
4) You have a small penis- You just do. Accept it. What other reason do you need to
prove your manhood? That’s the only reason I can come up with.

With all of this being said, there are only two appropriate responses to the question of “Do you want to take this outside?” You can either laugh right in this person’s face and walk away shaking your head like you feel sorry for their mother (my personal fave). The other option is to smile and walk up to them and say in your most serious Bobby Deniro voice “Actually, I like it fine in here. Make a move, punk.”


Next In Series- “But you’re different…”

Idiom Series Deuce

Here is the second installment. Not as good as my first one but I'm working on it, folks. Enjoy and comment.

"I'm sorry, but…"

This is not referring to when you are telling a story and using this term to reference how you would react in a situation, i.e. "Then, he left his girl on the corner. I'm sorry but I wouldn't do that, kid." This refers to the apology "I'm sorry."

Just to let you know when you say but you have just negated the entire apology. The but that you are using is just to justify that you still think that you are correct in the argument. If you think you are right, then you really don't mean your apology. Who apologizes when they think they are in the right? (actually, I DO have an answer for that but that's for another time) When you say but you are not acknowledging your blame in the situation or taking responsibility for your previous actions that got you here.

But = Not. Just for your information.

Next In Series- "Do you wanna take this outside?" (one of the funniest lines…..ever)

Idiom Series Uno

I started this at my other blog (evthingundathasun.blogspot.com) but I wanted to start it up again here. So, here is the beginning (again) of certain things that people say that irritate me when I hear it 80% of the time. I’ll probably do one statement/phrase/comment a week but since this is the initial post I have two. Enjoy yo’self.

“How do you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?”
Uhh, yeah. This is dumb. I’m all for giving most things and people a fair shot but there are just certain things I KNOW I won’t like without having to try them out. I recognize there are certain things that other people absolutely love but I know I won’t be a fan of. It’s cool that you like that kind of sandwich but I think I’ll pass on that burger made of liver, thank you kindly. There are people that will argue with this statement and say that it is an issue indicative of a lack of courage. I ask these people this- "Have you ever engaged in bestiality? No? Then how do know you won’t like it?" *
Look, you can like a person, place, thing or food but you can’t win an argument just by stating the above question. It’s inane and doesn’t make you better than someone else because you have found what you like and want all people to like what you like. I know what I like or don’t like. Don’t need to test my boundaries. Thanks.

“I know what I said but what I meant was…..”
I have slowly become the king of misunderstood statements. This is due to fast talking, tone and the general speed between me thinking and saying something. This is NOT due to the actual content of what I stated. If I said it, I meant it.
Why say something if you don’t mean it? I don’t think anyone does that really. Usually, what comes out of your mouth is EXACTLY what you mean. Unless you are out and out lying, I cannot think of a single situation where you would say something without any connection to what you mean. I mean phrasing is an issue but the general message is still the same.

Next In Series- “I’m sorry, but…..”

* If you have a friend who happens to practice bestiality, GET NEW FRIENDS. NOW.