Clinger

I'm a bit of a clinger.


No. Not this guy. That's KLINGER. ---->

Let me explain. When I like a girl/woman, I mean REALLY like them, I tend to become a clinger. I like to be near them and know what is going on with them. This is not to say I'm a stalker. I have neither the time, patience or psychotic focus to be a stalker. What I mean is that I like to have a person think about me almost as much as I think about them.

The weird thing is you can usually tell how much I like a woman initially by how much I cling. For example, my last girlfriend. Cool chick but I was NEVER around her. This was partially due to our age difference and partially because in my heart I kinda knew we were on a train to Nowheresville. I mean I liked her but I didn't have my heart fully into it.

The women I do like I tend to always want to hang around even if its to do nothing or just be irritated by them. (I have a tendency to go for sassy, bossy, tough, authoritative and, some would say, crazy women who I both love and hate, strangely) I think this tendency to cling is that often the women I pursue are usually distant or have had problems with men or some other issue. This tends to manifest itself in a fear of taking steps towards making a commitment and I'm left to wonder where I ultimately stand with them. Hence, the clinginess on my part(this is not to blame them for my own immature behavior).

In my quest to jump over their past hurdles and make them feel that there are people in the world to trust, I often make it into the good friend zone and then they move onto another dude, usually one who is just like what they don't want. Hmmm. Maybe I'm Good Luck Chuck actually.....

Still got a thing for her. He's not as funny as you think.

Naw. I REALLY hope not.

The funny thing is if these women that I end up liking just admitted their own feelings about me, I would not cling. I think on those rare occasions when I do have girlfriends and that once I know we are together I go on with my own life and leave them to their own devices because I trust them. I know where I stand. Or at least I hope for the best and that this person is being honest with me and themselves and I have to trust in my own reaction to whatever situation pops up. When I do know you like me as much or almost as much as I like you, I let go and only cling as much as you want.

Now, if I could only find someone who gets that then at least that part of my life would make some sense....

Alpha- Zeta

something just to fill space and pass the time...have something new tomorrow.

A. Attached or single? Single. Mostly. Kinda. Ok, let's just say it gets complicated at times.

B. Best friend? E, Al n Mess.

C. Cake or pie? Cake. Fuck pie. Chocolate preferably.

D. Day of choice? Friday. Most would pick Saturday but since I work pretty much everyday Friday is the most relaxing.

E. Essential item? Dogtag.

F. Favorite color? Blue.

G. Gummy bears or worms? Worms are superior to bears. More gumminess for your buck.

H. Hometown? New York City and more particularly Far Rockaway, Queens. Don't sleep, son.

I. Favorite indulgence? Watching DVDs in a quiet bedroom.

J. January or July? I guess January. Less work, new start and none of that make me wanna murder heat.

K. Kids? I don't have any. I think.

L. Life isn’t complete without? My friends and some of my family.

M. Marriage date? None currently.

N. Number of brothers and sisters? Whew. Okay. 2 older brothers. 2 older sisters. 2 younger brothers. That's all. I think.

O. Oranges or Apples? Apples. Oranges are only good for juice.

P. Phobias? Dogs (but only a little bit now). Failure. Destitution.

Q. Quote? We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.- Oscar Wilde

R. Reasons to smile? I'm probably not at work right now.

S. Season of choice? Fall (or Autumn, if you wanna get fancy). I like hoodies.

T. Tag 5 people: Nope. If you wanna do this, then just do it.

U. Unknown fact about me? I really think you guys know everything I'm willing to share. Okay, I have the amazing talent of passing up booty for months. It's not as easy as it sounds. Trust me.

V. Vegetable? Cucumber. Is that a vegetable or a fruit? Think its a vegetable.

W. Worst habit? Procrastination.

X. X-ray or Ultrasound? Alright....X-Ray, I guess. Like the images. Makes me feel like Superman.

Y. Your favorite food? Anything burger related. Or salmon.

Z. Zodiac sign? Sagittarius and read into that whatever you want.

Money Vs. Happiness

Had a chat with a friend about her dealings with dudes. She has the issue of a lot of guys after her who make a good amount of cash but are not the best people. I told her I would rather be happy and broke then rich and miserable.

I thought about that statement yesterday and realized it was sort of BULLSHIT. Sure, my ultimate goal in life is to essentially be a happy individual but thinking about it I don't think that is possible as a broke person. Being broke is bearable but it isn't a happy existence. I can be broke and be happy for moments or a few days but ultimately reality kicks in and its usually a nut shot.

I've had a job in NYC that paid well but I half-hated it. Okay, I hated it about 75% of the time and moreso right before I quit. I have a job that keeps me above water and I love it 90% of the time. Which situation would I rather be in? Well, excluding outside factors (location, relationships, etc.), although the NYC job drove me a little crazy, at the end of the week I could go out and drink with my boy or hop on a plane and get out of town. With this job now, I'm generally happy at work but I'm not able to roll out like I use to and, although your relationships with people are supposed to be independent of your wealth, the situations for fun doesn't present itself when you can't go to see the folks you want or you can't afford that next round. This especially sucks when you are the "broke guy" in the group. Yeah, your friends don't mind too much hooking you up with a drink, especially if you would hit them off if you had it but a lot of the time you feel like a bum about it. (Or at least I do. Pride has kept me in on more than one occasion, unfortunately. But I hate feeling like the anchor bringing down the night, even if I'm really not)

So, which is better- money and miserableness or broke and contentment?

I say neither. I want money to spend/saved up and a truly happy life not one where I'm just okay, barely. But if these are my two choices, the romantic in me is going to go with being broke but the realist in me (who really needs to keep a foot in my arse nowadays) says to get that paper and if the scenario sucks, take some of that green and do something you enjoy with people you like.

Massive Fail- Not Me, Please

I was out of town about a week or so ago and spent some time with a friend at her mother's house. While there I met this guy. He was going through a time of it and was struggling at this point to get his life straight or at least he should have been. This guy was in his forties, unemployed, living with people out of the kindness of their hearts and on top of all that has a pre-teen kid. He had just went through about the roughest couple of months I had heard of in a minute. I initially felt bad for this dude. Initially.

As I talked to him more, I began to realize a majority of his problems were self created. He was/is a womanizer with little respect for the opposite gender. He gets into situations without plans on how to get out of them. He does nothing for himself as far as living his own life.


Not a good look. Not me.

As I was driving from what seemed to be a scene written out of a bad episode of Maury or Jerry, I was talking to my friend about my own plans (alright, she was grilling me as usual). My plans as always are an outline and she said that if I didn't get them to be more concrete that it was a slippery slope to beeing this guy. That hurt and I confronted her about it and she apologized and she said she knew I wasn't going to be him. But the fact that she even said it and my own talks with him gave me pause. Me and this dude had some similarities.

Bad in relationships? Check.
Leaping without looking? Check.
College drop-out? Check.

My saving grace is that I don't have any kids, I'm not a tool like him and although I procrastinate I will do what is best for me and I'm willing to work for it. My best friend assured me I was right and that I didn't have to worry about being him. Ever. He was a victim not because he was REALLY a victim but it was the path of least resistance to declare that the world was responsible for his station and life and he didn't have to take responsibility for it. I've always been the complete opposite and believed that 98% of the situations I get into are a direct result of my own choices.

But it did make me reflect on something. I've always been gifted and I used to try hard when I was really young and even in high school, although lazy, I still had success in my eyes. Even when I wasn't trying, shite worked out for me. My friend used to joke I was rolling down the hill of life and when I got to the bottom I would stand up and shake off all the gold and assorted riches that I just happened to accumulate along the way (I just thought it was my Spidey-Sense on overdrive helping me get out of jams). But even with this, I don't know, karma looking out for me I still had in me a feeling that I would come out on top by my own merits. This spark drove me.

I'm looking at this guy and thinking where did that spark go in him and ultimately, me?

I like to think of myself as almost as smart or as smart as my friends. I think I have the same capabilities as many of them. I think I'm as creative as the really artistic one. The question that bugs me is am I missing that key component that makes them successful or gives them the drive to not just let life sweep them along? What is it that makes people push forward and why am I lacking it? I have a million (okay, a few hundred) story ideas but I can hardly finish one of them. Why do I crap out on things? I know some of it stems from how I used to approach things in school. Things were easy for me so I would get bored and try to move onto something else. Or if it was going to be a huge effort I just shut down- not that I couldn't do it but maybe because I was afraid of succeeding at it.

I don't know. I may just be babbling at this point but I think I'm just in the process of finding that...thing to make me push and do what I want and be successful at it. Something to stop me from being that guy in the back of a car living off the kindness of strangers.

Fight or Flight

I would like to think of myself as a generally level-headed, easygoing guy. I try to mind my business as much as possible and not get involved in the affairs of others if I can. While this is certainly laudable (or I think it should be), my decision to not always speak up at every little thing is sometimes taken as me having a huge flight reaction.

On the other hand, when someone says something about my friends, or someone I'm just with or if I'm somewhat tipsy, my instant response is "I'm gonna break your face." This reaction has grown recently in my past few years and has been the side that my roommates have been exposed to so much to the point that I heard one of them commenting that he should invite a guy over and have me hurt him. Mind you I was in my room at 3 AM at this point and probably asleep in his head.

My problem is this- how do I balance my nice side which I like and I think the people who like me like a lot with the tune up the world side I try to keep under wraps?

I think a lot of time people seem to mistake my being quiet or kind or glossing over things for weakness. It's not. It stems from a fear of SNAPPING! I come from a family of SNAPPERS! From the oldest to the youngest. Just a question of degree. Someone shove you? SNAP! Someone was talking about you? SNAP! Who owes me money? SNAP! Any and everything was a pathway to an altercation, whether verbal or physical. A great deal of my childhood was just tests of toughness and not backing down. I failed a lot of these test because I was more concerned with getting through the day and not getting hurt. I didn't feel the need to prove myself in this regard as much as the others around me. My realm was books and being smart. (my younger self is the polar opposite of my later self) I was also scared since I kept a lot of emotions bottled up most of the time that my SNAPPING! would be so much worse and I wouldn't be able to stop myself.

This is not to say that I didn't have my SNAP! moments or points. Two that stick with me to this day is someone threatening my siblings and saying something about my mother. There are no solutions but SNAPPING! for me in those moments.

But as I have grown older I have noticed that although we are supposed to be a civilized society, a great many people only seem to respect or acknowledge physicality and violence. Just look at the rise in popularity of mixed martial arts (and yes there is discipline, training and honor in that but NO ONE would watch unless someone was getting punched in the face). And for all that shite about wanting a nice guy and someone caring, most people are going to go for that guy who can or appears that they can protect them in some way.

I get highly irritated when people doubt me or what I'm capable of in this regards. True, I'm not going to be the next UFC champ and I can't press 400 lbs. but I can guarantee I will walk through the worst neighborhoods and make it out with little trouble. Do not let the glasses fool you. When it comes down to it and its me or you losing, its going to be YOU. Every. Time.

So, where do I find this balance? How do I prove that I will fight without having to hit everyone from here to my house that accidentally jostles me? Or better yet, why do I have to prove myself to the world? The sad thing is I know I do and so do you.

Some of us are fighters and some of us aren't. Some of us talk shit and some of us don't. How can I live in balance?