Trying

I think I'm going to commit myself to writing something on this blog daily. I'm going to post my other random stuff and blogs I already have been working on but I think I'm going to steer this thing a little bit back to the original idea I had for this thing- helping me work through stuff by putting it down and getting it out of my head. I have a lot of emotions and ideas flitting through my head throughout the day and weird encounters sometimes when I leave my house. I usually write them down or keep it in my brain with the plan of writing them out but somehow I get sidelined with life and it doesn't get done.

So, now, I'm going to commit myself to take an hour and write something here. It'll be like journalling but in the open and less soft sounding. I gotta come up with a different name besides blogging or journalling? Scribblin'? Jottin'? I'll figure it out. Maybe something relating to stream of conscious because this will probably end up being similar to that. Regardless it should prove helpful to me and work into my plan to get my life back on a more concrete schedule of doing things, outside of having a crazy and at sometimes non-existent sleep schedule. Been slipping for awhile in many aspects of "living swell" but that's for another blog entry later this week.

Today is about me and my undercurrent of misanthropy.

Hate, hate, hate!

I'm what most people would consider an easygoing and agreeable soul. I try to be empathetic to others and generally stray from extremes in arguments.* I like to hear both sides of a story and care about how people are feeling. When I say that, I don't mean I care about how people feel about me (outside of friends and family) but I mostly want everyone to feel at ease and comfortable around me. Happy people make me happy. Sad and hurt people make me upset.

Have you ever heard of the Tzadikim Nistarim? Well, to keep it shorter than this, It's this esoteric Judaic/Kabbalistic belief that there are at any given time 36 righteous people on this planet that keep the rest of us alive by being saintly or caring about others and protecting them even without being a public figure or getting credit. If one dies, they would have to be replace or the world would come to an end. That's some heavy shit right there, b.

36. We need 'em.

Now, I'm not saying I'm one of these enlightened figures. Not even close and I doubt I would crack the top billion of people who REALLY care about others but I definitely get those moments when I feel like the whole world needs help and I need to do something about it. Or on a smaller scale I need to protect and watch out for the people in my immediate circle, be that figurative or literal.

With all that said I also CANNOT STAND PEOPLE sometimes. I know, I know. "Everyone feels like that, guy. It's human nature." And usually, I understand exactly where my annoyance level with folks come from. I clearly see the actions they have taken to get me to that point. For example, I walk my mother to catch the bus to work every morning pretty much at 4 AM which is an ungodly hour. I sleep for about 45 minutes before I have to do this nightly and I'm already not a morning person. The bus she has to catch is always a couple of minutes late which makes no sense since I live right at the first stop. So, my mother tells me today that she got on the bus yesterday, which was late, and not 3 seconds on the bus the driver says "You can't say good morning?"

REALLY? FUCKIN' REALLY?

The only thing stopping me from getting on the bus this morning and BARKIN' at this jackassery was my mother. I was already irritable for being up and you are coming with the slick talk? I should put my paws on you. Maybe push you through your windshield, partna.

Puny bus driver.

Now, my reaction to that, though extreme, can easily be traced back to a source- early morning and clown shoes behavior by some old bus driver. Pretty much within the boundaries of normal human thinking, I think.

My issue that I have is that I get extreme with it or it comes from a weird place that it shouldn't.

Yesterday I'm at the laundry washing my clothes. I arrive there in a decent mood and I usually don't have problems there. The machines aren't always up to snuff but the ladies there are pretty nice and look out if the problem is on their end. It's crowded and there is a woman complaining about how her machine isn't drying her clothes correctly. She gets in it a bit with one of the ladies there who handles the situation in a calm manner. For some reason, I get pissed for her.

I have this weird thing where people feel the freedom to talk to me randomly about bullshit or complain. I see this lady coming back around to where the washers are still complaining to I assume her family and another random lady or two who give her the head nod of agreement. At this point my annoyance has transformed into the "I wish she would" desire in my head.** I already plan to shit on her problems with her wet clothes and bring up larger current events LOUDLY so she feels bad for being a dick. I guess she could tell what I had tumbling in my mind because she walked right pass after looking at my face.

Castle forgot his fabric softener. This will end badly.

Or maybe she could tell my secondary thought which was "I wish some large ravenous wolves came in here and ate your whole face off while I laughed like a Sean the Barbarian the entire time." Yeah. It was probably that.

See? That's my thing. I LOVE humanity but I HATE people. I want to see the best for us as a whole species but I get these moments where I want entire swaths of people to be mowed down by some vengeful force, usually me when I imagine it. I want to save us all but a lot of the time I'm like "Naw. They ain't worth it."

Maybe I'm not really a nice guy and IT IS about me wanting people to like and accept me. Maybe the caring and doing the extra step and worrying is a facade to cover monster inside. Maybe I'm the bad guy.

ARRRGGHHH!!!

Naw. People are just irritating jerks sometimes. I just gotta not do what's in my mind and find a way to express my negative emotions in a healthy way.

* This doesn't apply to being a racist, sexist, ignorant of scientific fact, etc. Obviously.
** This happens a lot. It might be a more of a "black person" thing and would go a long way in explaining our blood pressure issues. That and a history of oppression and cultivating bad habits.

Being Grateful

I have it in my head what I want this post to be about but it may stray from that. I'll try to keep on topic. I've been up for a long time. (I also started writing it a while ago as you will see by the date)

So, today is Thanksgiving and it also happens to be my birthday. This means that it's a holiday so people are generally with their family and, you can ask anyone with a birthday on a holiday or big event, you learn quickly to not expect much. I took it as an opportunity to be by myself, go to the parade and think.

What my thinking got me was this post here.

I'm very thankful for my friends. I'm thankful for my family too, mostly but they know that.
I fear that I don't express my thankfulness for my friends enough. It's slightly easier to stay connected nowadays but it seems harder to connect. I "talk" to my friends a lot but that generally consists of text messages, IMs, tweets and leaving posts on their walls for my friends who are now or were always long-distance buddies. I'm only marginally better with my at home friends, I feel. We meet up maybe once or twice a month and they buy me drinks and we try to remain current with our lives while swaying drunkenly to beats. It's good but I could do better.

My friends are the best people in the world and they deserve better.

I'm broke right now and have been for awhile. Blame the economy, lack of educational standards in comparison with my peers, lack of jobs I'm good at that will employ me... whatever. I've been broke for awhile and if my friends weren't who they were I couldn't have enjoyed many a night.

I know they enjoy making their friends happy and a lot of them have been my friends for years so remember a time when I could buy a bottle like it was nothing and none of them will complain about getting me a beer but I still feel like shite when it happens. I shouldn't or I shouldn't TOTALLY feel that way but there it is.

Crazier situation- I've made a friend on Facebook a while ago. We became friends just because we shared the same name and eventually learned that we have overlapping geeky interests. This dude is awesome and a good guy to, again, "talk" to, as are a lot of my "internet friends."* What makes him more awesome is that he sent me movie tickets, twice, just because. This guy knows me but he doesn't know me like my other pals and he took it upon himself to just send movie tickets to a guy in another state with the same name because a) he thought a movie was good and I should see it and b)it was my birthday on the second occasion. **

And maybe that's what friendship is- taking a chance on some dude not being a jerk and enjoying their random happiness and hoping that they are appreciative. My fear is that because of my current condition my appreciation for ALL MY FRIENDS and ALL THE THINGS THEY DO isn't as explicit or at the level I want it to be. I'm positive that they know I'm grateful; I just want them to know the degree that I'm grateful for their existence. These are great folks and I can't begin to show my joy they have in my life with a bottle of wine that I can't currently afford.

SO, I make them this promise-

My first born or free copies of all my future works.

The former is highly unlikely as that I'm currently single and definitely not "mingling" like I want*** but the latter is definitely doable and I have a list of people who automatically get my stuff gratis.

This is the best I can do while I'm currently freelancing and without any of my lottery dreams coming true. I do hope it's enough and I'm sure it will be because my friends are stupendous and are selfless individuals who see things in me that I don't sometimes recognize or believe, love me and I love back with the power of ten thousand suns.



*I hate saying "internet friends" like it makes someone a lesser friend, especially now in 2014.
**I should also add c)because he is a great soul but that goes without saying I think.
***Plus, who really wants this deal except for Rumpelstiltskin. 

RESOLUTIONS

THAT IS ALL.

You Can Spell It With A Y All Day...

I normally try to not comment or even concern myself with the discussions of race. For one, I think my opinions on the matter are pretty self-evident in that I'm for the freedom and liberty of all people and I sometimes mess up but I would like to believe that even when I do make these errors in actions/speech, I'm a decent enough human being to apologize and correct myself. Secondly, as a black man in this country who happened to spend time in the South for family visits and went to predominantly white schools from around the age of 12, I've encountered my fair share of overt racism and it's gets exhausting dealing with it or trying to explain the reason something can be offensive. I know that my very existence can be viewed as a political stance but, seriously, it's 2013 and I've been on this planet for 30+ years and I'm tired of speaking on it.

There is so much going on with issues of race/sex/class/power constantly that sometimes I'm like "Someone else is going to talk on this and I'm not going to say anything new and I'm preaching to the choir anyway." I just shut up and concern myself with geeky issues instead.* It usually serves me well in keeping me sane.

Plus, it's kinda smarmy to just comment on stuff when I know for a fact I'm not going to put on pants and take to the streets about something.

I'm really not taking back my city today. I'm gonna clear my DVR instead.

I don't want to give up. I don't want to not fight for equality and justice and education in basic levels of respect but sometimes people irritate me to the point where I want to grab my ball and go home.

Then, there are times where I get so irritated that I have to at least comment.

Such is the case with this bullshite response to this article.

Now, I'm not here to argue what Santa or Jesus looked like (I'm like Kanye in that way). I frankly don't give a shite and that's up to you. You can use facts or whatever you want these guys to look like to motivate your opinions. I can care less if you think either of these figures were real or not too. That's on you and you have the right to believe anything you want to believe in regards to that or how you choose to portray these two figures in your church or house. Whatever. 

My issue is with this line- 
"Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn't mean it has to change."- Megyn Kelly

What?

Jon Stewart probably described that best last night with "I think that's the official slogan of oppression."  I think that's it's also the slogan for the opposite of progress.

Things change. That's the nature of the universe. It's universal law. And, most of the time, it's for the betterment of mankind.  Very rarely do you find people fighting to keep things the same or "traditional" to end up on the correct side of history.

Jackasses, all.

And before you say it, I don't believe Megyn Kelly is as bad as the above asshattery. I've actually agreed with her before. Once. She is also on an inflammatory network that, for all that jazz about "fair and balanced", is really just an outlet to speak in a highly conservative slant. I also don't believe that she is an out and out racist. She may in fact be a racist but I don't get that feel from her and would need a definitive statement to say she is. Racist undertone to her comment? Yes. Intentionally racist? Ehh...

I DO think she is suffering from the same strain of disease that a lot of people with privilege and power suffer from and I'm not talking about affluenza. It's ignorance of how things are, why they are the way they are and a lack of empathy for others.

They have this belief that everyone is like them and thinks like them. This is pretty common in all or most members of humanity. The problem with their thinking like this is that they have privilege gained from power from their ancestors in past years that directs how the world actually works. This is why the standards of beauty and the way we think about things are the way they are. The white male viewpoint is the unfortunate default setting and any thinking outside of this causes an uproar and a feeling of "I'm being attacked" or "we're losing" in this group.** Any changes to how they conceive the world should be is answered with an immediate argument and being aghast that you would even suggest something so outlandish.

"Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn't mean it has to change."- Megyn Kelly ***

The privileged thought process is simple- "It doesn't have to change if it's in support of those in power AKA me. If you complain about it, something is wrong with you and you are being an uppity minority/woman/LGBT person. Tradition is tradition because it's great, for me. You aren't a slave/live in America/have "equal opportunity"*** and if you complain and want things to be more fair, well, then you are attacking my freedom and I can't allow that because I can't lose. My ancestors have never lost and I won't give up any power to help you at the least feel decent about yourself. Stop bringing up old stuff because it's in the past and I don't want to think about it and it hasn't affected me in a truly negative way so who cares?"

I care. 

Minorities care. Women care. The oppressed care. And if you really give a damn about humanity, you SHOULD care. It's not losing when someone else wins or gets a little more freedom. We all win. And that should be our ultimate goal in everything. 

We all win and we are better humans because of it.

Stop being an arse. Be a good human.



*This industry has its own issues with race, sexual orientation and gender representation.
**Which is INSANE since white dudes haven't lost since the year 982 when Native Americans whupped up on some Vikings. White dudes are in fact the Harlem Globetrotters of history.
***'Fuck out of here...
****Bullshit.

A New York Magic Moment

There are rare moments when you are reminded that people can be alright and not stressful and can make you feel good to enjoy their company for a time. I find these moments occur a lot but usually when you aren't looking for them. Strangers can come into your existence for a second and be your pal for that moment and it's great. Single serving pals can be wonderful. Here is the story of my train ride with cool, tired people.

I had just left the ATCQ/Yeezus concert and hiked to the A train. My plan was to catch the F train at the next stop uptown and ride that all the way to the bus home. For some reason, the F was acting funky and only got me a little into Manhattan before I had enough and said "Screw it. I'll take my chances with the J."

I go to the J platform expecting to deal with more MTA late night shenanigans but surprisingly the train arrives pretty quickly. I get on and grab an empty seat by some young, Latino woman with a nose ring. I'm tired but amped from the activities I just left and figure that the ride home will be pretty much about me being alone in my thoughts with no interactions with others. This is generally how I like it but this lady beside me had other ideas.

"Where are you coming from?" she asked me. I could tell by the drawl of her voice that she had also had a few drinks in her system for the night.

"Brooklyn. The Kanye concert. It was cool," I replied.

"Really? That's cool. Where are you going now?" she asked.

"Home, to sleep," I answered. "Last stop."

"Well," she said, putting her hand on my arm. " Do you mind if I take a nap on your shoulder? I'm getting off at the Junction and I'm tired from dancing all night. I'm a stripper."

(At this point I was gonna let her sleep on my shoulder anyway because frak it, she wasn't gonna bug me by doing so and although, I want to think I'm noble like this fine fellow* I realize I'm shallow enough that I'll let an attractive woman use me as a pillow. Anyway...)

"Cool," I said.

"No, I really am," she said. At this point I look across the way at this older black lady, her friend and this woman who was closer in age to me. They all looked at me and smiled, particularly the latter woman.

My seat buddy digs into her bag and pulls out here shoes a bit so I could see the clear heels.

"See? I'm a stripper," she said again.

"Aight," I replied because really what else was I supposed to say?

So, she put her shoes back in her bag and closed it up. Then she wrapped her arm through my arm and proceeded to doze off on my shoulder. She woke up every couple of stops to remind me that she was getting off at the Junction and I just told her to go back to sleep, I'd make sure she got off at the right stop.
The entire time the three people across from us were just smiling and laughing at this entire scene.

At one point she got up and said something about how her mother was going to be pissed with her because although she was just eating dinner after her shift, her mother would probably think something else since she was getting home so late. Why she told me this, I had no clue but I just told her to be honest and she had nothing to worry about.

I actually enjoyed the comfort of her being there with her arm wrapped around mine. It was a very non-sexual moment with someone whose work was wrapped up intricately in the world of sex, or at least the fantasy of sex. It was just nice to have the human contact and with nothing implied or wanted or anything awkward in the moment. For that short train ride we were just two buddies enjoying the comfort of being at ease. And judging by the smiles of the folks around us, it was contagious.

There are a few moments when you realize how awesome NYC is. Sure the people here can be brusque and maybe even rude and the transit system and the weather can suck. But at the heart of all that rushing, fast-paced, tough people existence the people of this city can just be calm and cool and helpful. We can all vibe off our energy and enjoy the crazy life trip we are all partners in, at least for awhile.

I nudge my stripper friend awake at Chauncey street, the stop before the Junction. She smirks and says "Good. I'm almost home and awake, no thanks to you."

"Yeah, whatever, girl," I say back. "Just get home safe and rest."

"Will do," she replies as we roll into her stop. "Thanks for the shoulder. Night."

"Night."

The train rolls on. The old lady and her friend (actually it was friends) ride with me to the last stop. The Latino woman about my age across for me has really enjoyed watching me interact with my dancing pal. When she finally gets to her stop, she smiles and says "You're nice. Have a good night."

 "Take care," I say back, realizing that if I didn't sit next to that chick and she didn't ask for the use of my brawny man shoulders then we wouldn't have exchanged any words.

Wow.

Strippers can be magical.

So can this damn city.

I liked you for a brief moment, humanity. Thanks.

Please and thank you.

* I actually DID think about this guy when she asked me so I guess I'm a little better than I think of myself at times.