No One Wants To Be A Red Shirt*

*that title makes no sense and really doesn't even relate to this post but whatever, I haven't slept yet

It's early and I'm usually up around this time since I walk my mom to the bus pretty much daily. I should be going back to sleep or trying to get some since I have work today and sleep is just good for you. I had planned on sleeping but thinking about a current situation made me get up and I wasn't able to get back to sleep. So, here we are and I just drunk a Red Bull Blue Edition which has no effect on me except making me want to pee but I enjoy the taste so let's see what I can get down before my body knocks me out. It may be more rambling than usual so I apologize in advance. This is pretty stream of consciousness right now.

Meek Mill's yelling will have to do the job these won't.

I've been thinking about a lot of my relationships recently, including the one that made me leave the comfort of my bed. I've also been on a personal hiatus from dealing with people. This is a result of a few factors- needing a human break, figuring out how much effort others would put into our relationship when I stopped doing most of the heavy lifting*, recommitting myself to my New Year's goal of being more selfish and generally trying to get my shite together.

My New Year's goal has been going pretty piss poor. I HAVE been doing better than previous years, especially in these last 2 or 3 months but I have still been overextending myself for the people I care about and even a few who I'm "ehhhh" about. I blame it mostly on my upbringing. Although my younger years had craziness, I was raised by people who taught me to generally not be an asshole and look out for people. I've found that people I know are mostly good and it's kind of hard to break my habit of being there for others, even at my own expense.

But frak all of that! I'm going to still look out for people but I'm keeping the balance better and I come before anyone else, except my mom who is awesome.

So, selfishness is back in full motherfuckin' effect! Wait. It can't be back since it wasn't really here to begin with. I mean, selfishness is going down! (basement)

In addition to that, I have to admit something. I've been reading biographies and self-help books for awhile now. Like TWO YEARS "awhile." I think it comes from me trying to figure out me and find a solution for problems I encounter in life. I've never done this before because I've been more of a "free spirit"** and since I've been less flighty I've been trying to find my center.

Only kids and childish movie viewers like me will get this.

I've been looking for words of wisdom, good advice from successful people, bad advice from screw-ups,*** ideas on finding peace/"the way"/happiness. Hell, I even did a tarot reading and I REALLY don't believe in that voodoo shite. But, we all gotta pay "stupid tax" from time to time. It's why the lottery still exists.****

Anyway, I came to two conclusions from all of this motivational introspection and heavy reading-

1) There is some good universal advice. Universal truths do exist about certain things.

2) Everyone finds their own way to happiness. 

The first conclusion has helped me adjust some things in how approach people and situations. I have even started to compile the wisdom most helpful to me in a little leather book to get me through. It's my bible for remaining calm and finding the proper path for me.

No, really. I really did do this. Ask to see it if you see me.

The second conclusion is even more important. We all have different goals and have to get there in our own ways. And I know what you are thinking because I thought it as soon as I typed that sentence- "Duh. No shit, Sherlock." The thing is I know this and you know this but during those dark moments when we doubt ourselves or those horrible instances where we are envious of someone else's success/contentment, we often forget that simple fact. We can't live others' lives, we wouldn't want to if we knew what bullshit they had to deal with in their heads and very rarely is someone else's idea of happiness the same as ours. 

And with knowing and relearning both these facts you gotta sometimes make hard calls. It may be changing your focus or choosing a new path. It may be extricating yourself from a relationship or situation that's not beneficial to you. It may be reaffirming your commitment to a project/relationship/plan even when others doubt you. It may be making yourself less available to others and becoming more selfish. It may be being alone. It may be looking for a new tribe to hang with. It may be doing nothing because you are already happy on your current path.*****

Ultimately, you have to choose what's best for you and what's going to bring you your particular brand of happiness. The world turns whether you are content or not but the merry-go-round is less bumpy when you have joy in your soul.

Okay. My babbling in this post is done. I'm actually feeling better about everything and I think this post wasn't TOO terrible but I haven't reread it. Hold on.

Yeah.

Whatever. It is what it is.

Be happy, folks.

*answer-not a lot

**my pal once called me a "hippie", another called me a "man-whore." Both were valid calls, ref

***which is overlooked but is HIGHLY educational

****I'm highly pissed I loss last night's PowerBall and can't travel the world training like Bruce Wayne

*****fuck you. no, seriously, go to hell, you lucky bastard (joking...mostly)

So, I Have About Ten Post Done....

...or pretty much done. Or at least done to the level that if I take another 5-10 minutes with them I would be cool with posting them on here and here and here.

But I haven't posted anything really lately.

And it's not that I'm afraid or even being lazy (shocker) about it or even falling into the internet wormhole of random searching. Or at least not too much of the last one.

I don't really know exactly why I haven't put up anything. I don't really censor myself much here, particularly not when I'm the one to be potentially embarrassed. It's just been about a month or so of being shocked by different news events, questioning myself and, specifically, most of my relationships with other human beings. Things like how I interact with folks, how people interact with me, what I accept, what's my boundary line, how much effort I'm going to put into people and things... It goes on and on and I sometimes think I should share this with someone but those I would normally share this kind of thinking with are the ones who are in these thoughts. It's crazy.

So, I've dedicated myself to figuring out what is going on and resolving these issues. It's not going to be fun and I'm probably going to be more upset, mostly with myself, but this is the way to move forward and not totally become that dude that lives alone in the mountains growing a beard.*

While I work on all that I'm going to do my best to post those blogs, complete some good stories and basically get my shite back together.

Gotta boost brand ME and make that the priority. Everything else falls into place after that.


*that ACTUALLY sounds alright, as long as I have a pet and reliable internet.

I Still Don't Understand Women

Yeah. The title pretty much says it.

That's all.

Well, you can make that "don't understand PEOPLE" to be truly accurate but I'm just talking about women right now.

Just sayin'.

Star Shine

I just saw a news report about this place- Star Shine.
I'm not really the guy who needs a shoe shine but I got kinda excited about this.

Not for the cleavage view of the women but for the idea of drinking at a new venue.
Growth or a problem with booze?
You decide.

The Most Interesting Man In The World*

*or the closest thing to it in the group of dudes I know

"Let's say that there's an event and people around me get invited and I'm not invited. Some part of me will feel like a failure. How can you not? The real me knows that it's just an event, but doubt enters my mind about why I'm not there. Is it because I'm not good enough?"
- Questlove, Mo' Meta Blues

I have a friend from high school who is living the life. Actually, I have a few friends from high school who are living the life but this guy is perhaps the closest in what people that are single would consider "the life." He travels a great deal, always is up for a good time, gets me involved in shenanigans so noteworthy I have to scroll through photos on my phone from the night before to gain an accurate view of what happened, Memento style*, and he is never without a pretty and/or cool lady around.

So, this guy but younger and blacker.

What always amazes me is the fact that he always contacts me to hang out when we are in the same town. I mean I used to be a real barrel of monkeys and can still be pretty chill but I'm DEFINITELY am a Triple-A player compared to his Yankees level party abilities. So, I think about it and what it means because, really, what better way to enjoy time with someone than to WAY over-think it and question yourself being in that moment? Or am I the only one?

Then I look at my other friends and see similar effects. If there is an event involving alcohol and music, then I get the call. It's like I'm the catalyst to up the ante or continue the party or break out "the shark fin."** Or be "the black guy at the party."

The flip side to this and what I have been noticing more recently is that I'm very rarely invited to just chill events or sometimes I don't even hear from my friends unless something is needed or a party is going down. This is due to a lot of factors I think, including but not limited to my friends getting married, having kids, working on life dream moves.... basically, a lot of things I think the world believes I should be doing at my age.*** And I understand. I totally get it. I understand if I'm not invited to the couples outing or people getting busy working on something that they don't just holler out of the blue.

It doesn't mean it's not frustrating or disheartening. I would like the random "wassup with you?" text, especially if you are just asking what is going on with me with no other reason behind it. For the most part, I'll probably respond and then ask you the same and you can complain/brag all you want afterwards anyway. I like to hear about people's lives, if they aren't boring as shite. Hell, I even like random e-mails that are funny; it at least tells me this person was thinking about something interesting/funny and thought about me.

I actually looked at my e-mails for the last week or so and after I cut out spam, e-mail blasts (do people still call them that?) and e-mail threads I started, I think I had maybe 2 e-mails from someone not wanting me to do something for them and just saying "hey" or "look at this."

This is reading as whiny to me but I do feel sort of forgotten at times and even if that isn't reality, the feelings still remain. I honestly don't mind being alone and sometimes appreciate but I also feel lonely during those moments when I think about my pals and how I don't hear from them in the same volume. People change and grow and evolve and live their lives. I get it. It just sucks a bit when you feel and fear that those people you care about are outgrowing you.

Okay. That was depressing and more sad at the end than I really feel. I don't age like Hancock but I'm sure someone would pick me up from a hospital. Preferably Charlize Theron. But that feeling of being a part of the world but separate and lonely at times? I get that.

Anyway, that's my sad sack moment for the night. I'm sure once I get busier and back on course about some things, I'll feel better. Don't cry for me, Internet. Just recognize that sometimes a friend just needs another friend to give them a shout for no reason. It makes them feel better and will probably do the same for you.


*I seriously only kind of remember the 2008 Election Night in LV and only pieced that together from phone pics.
**Inside joke; sorry, I'll try not to do that again. It's too much to explain; well, not really but I'm just lazy about it right now.
***I actually am trying on these fronts, trust me...except for the kid thing. Wrap it up, kids!