Idiom Series Sixteen

Not so Sweet Sixteen. BLAM! I got my mojo back!

"Now, I'm just playing devil's advocate here but..."

Just shut the frak up! Really. You saying this doesn't take away from the fact that you are about to say some REAL offensive shite.
It's almost as bad as when someone says "Not to sound racist/sexist/homophobic." Guess what? Whatever is coming out of your mouth is sure to be racist/sexist/homophobic. I'm pretty sure I have never encountered a situation when that hasn't happened.

And, come on, does the Devil really need an advocate? He/She/It does fine all by him/her/itself. I don't think the Devil is looking for you for backup. Been working alone for millenniums; the Devil is fine.

So, if you feel this statement creeping up in your throat, shut your mouth and don't say whatever is going around in your pea-brain.

Thanks, The World. And, I'm guessing, the Devil too.

New Readers- FYI

Just so you know, this blog is encapsulated in the following gif:

That is all.

Respect of Self

I was going to put up another few posts (I will tonight) but I came across this selection from Joan Didion called "On Self-Respect." It's pretty good and, if you get a second, check out the whole thing here. I thought the last bit was very good and so I'm sharing it with you right now. It helped me decide what to do, or at least gave me pause in my decision making process about some stuff-


"To have that sense of one’s intrinsic worth which constitutes self-respect is potentially to have everything: the ability to discriminate, to love and to remain indifferent. To lack it is to be locked within oneself, paradoxically incapable of either love or indifference. If we do not respect ourselves, we are the one hand forced to despise those who have so few resources as to consort with us, so little perception as to remain blind to our fatal weaknesses. On the other, we are peculiarly in thrall to everyone we see, curiously determined to live out – since our self-image is untenable – their false notion of us. We flatter ourselves by thinking this compulsion to please others an attractive trait: a gist for imaginative empathy, evidence of our willingness to give. Of course I will play Francesca to your Paolo, Helen Keller to anyone’s Annie Sullivan; no expectation is too misplaced, no role too ludicrous. At the mercy of those we cannot but hold in contempt, we play roles doomed to failure before they are begun, each defeat generating fresh despair at the urgency of divining and meeting the next demand made upon us.

It is the phenomenon sometimes called “alienation from self.” In its advanced stages, we no longer answer the telephone, because someone might want something; that we could say no without drowning in self-reproach is an idea alien to this game. Every encounter demands too much, tears the nerves, drains the will, and the specter of something as small as an unanswered letter arouses such disproportionate guilt that answering it becomes out of the question. To assign unanswered letters their proper weight, to free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves – there lies the great, the singular power of self-respect. Without it, one eventually discovers the final turn of the screw: one runs away to find oneself, and finds no one at home."

Good stuff.

Also, I'm still g'd up even when thinking about this stuff. Don't forget, cuz.

Ramblin' Rundown

Here is list of roles I've been put in or adopted for myself at any given time in my life, good or bad.

Son
Brother
Half-Brother
Older Brother
Younger Brother
Step-Brother
Middle Child
Blerd*
Geek
Comic Book Geek
Gold Medalist**
National Merit Scholar
Juror***
Human IMDB
Drunk Pal
Uncle
Drunkle
Responsible Uncle
Cousin
Grandson
"The Black Kid"
"The Black Guy"****
Procrastinator
Friend
Best Friend
Dude I Know Through Friend
Non-Gay Gay Best Friend
Kinda Boyfriend
F-Buddy
F-Buddy Confidante
Tutor
Supervisor
Boss
Walker*****
Rom-Com Lover
Sci-Fi Geek
Reader
Blogger
Writer
Wingman
BBQer
Party Animal
Dancer

The Black Brad Pitt#
Flusher##

Poet
Coward
BSer
Lucky Bastard
Bastard
Pub Regular
Superman/Mr. Dependable
Jackass
Encyclopedia Brown###
Dude I Make Out With At The Club####

I'm sure there are more but this list is pretty long as is. Okay. Enough procrastination.


*Black Nerd
**It was for a Kodak/The NY Daily New Math competition when I was like 8. I still consider myself on par with Olympian Gold medalist like Gabby Douglas or Oscar Pistorius...okay, NOT Pistorius.
***Unfortunately not a Rural Juror.
****Just the older version of "The Black Kid." Like Pokemon evolution, you reach this state with training, experience points and hanging with white dudes in baseball caps.
*****Just a dude that walks; not a zombie.
#FACT- I invented this term in 1998. I got witnesses. I also did "tuxedos for no reason." Look, I'm just saying there is a lot of coincidences going down, man. Way too many.
##People told me I used to look like Usher hence the charming handle coined by one of my friends. They're the best.
###Not actually named after the popular character. I got this moniker from reading encycolpedias and being brown. (SEE BLERD ABOVE)
####I had a good run for some years. Been awhile.

RSI/Residual Self Image-Part 2

I stumbled onto Jackthreads.com yesterday while I was responding to a message from a friend on Facebook. Just to get us on the same page, Jackthreads is a site with clothes for guys. I don't like all the gear on there but they sometimes have good specials and some of the stuff gives me good ideas for design for how folks dress in my writing. I was on there because they had some sort of 40% off sale and as I was perusing the offerings I thought to myself two things- 1)This is an exercise in futility because I'm too broke to really get this stuff and 2)I actually am really wanting stuff nowadays.

The first thought is an ongoing process to dig myself out of this personal life hole I dug for myself.

Deshi (Deshi!) Basara (Basara!)...

The second thought was sort of a shock and not only because the stuff I was looking at wasn't particularly that bad ass but because I actually had the thought "I WANT THAT" flash in my head and it wasn't a geeky item/a winning PowerBall ticket/a giant mythical wolf to do my bidding. 

I've never been a "wanter" or even a "needer." Blame it on being a middle child or being the oldest cousin looking out for the others or being the son of two stubborn people who always did things themselves if they could do it. My father is horrible about getting what is needed and my mother was always the type of person that'll power through anything and didn't ask anyone for help. This combo of different things has greatly contributed to my view and actions to many things in my own life.

This is obviously not healthy.

I've been trying to do better. I have looked back and observed how this long cultivated attitude has messed me up with getting things done faster and even relationships with people. I'm trying to do better but I often switch back into "I don't need that/you" mode which can easily trick my brain into "I don't really want that/that is just greed and materialism talking" mode. This is why that moment yesterday shocked me.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I have a recurring movie in my head. It's not particularly long. It's me sitting at a table with my brother. I'm wearing jeans, Converses and a Superman shirt usually. I'm not sure what my brother has on, probably something ridiculous but fashionable. We are talking about something ridiculous as I wait for an interviewer to show up. She/He appears and I explain my brother is visiting me here in California/somewhere in the South and I hope it isn't a problem. The interviewer says no and then proceeds to asks me questions about my second or third book, how my life is different compared to ten years ago, how I feel about being engaged/married/dating someone supportive and awesome. It's a fun time and eventually the movie just fades to black with me looking stronger, older and happier than I am right now.

I bring this up only to illustrate that I know that somewhere in my subconscious is a guy who wants more. He's in there scratching at the back of my skull. Maybe he's that hopeful 9-year-old me or just pissed off 33-year-old current me. It doesn't matter. Not really. What is important is that I embrace him and focus on getting to that moment.

Maybe it won't occur like that. Maybe I'll still be single or my brother won't be there or I have on a Captain Marvel t-shirt instead. What won't change is that I'll be there, older and happier and more fulfilled and successful.

I want that moment. I want that.