"Ask Yourself Who Are You?....

...If you don't know who you are, how can your dreams come true?"- 50 Cent, Realest Killas
Wise words, Mr. Curtis Jackson. Wise words.

There is an image that each of us has in our heads about how we look to the outside world. I think they call it residual self-image in The Matrix, or some shit like that. Anyway, we either make ourselves look better or worse than we are in reality in our minds.

I'm no different.

Although it varies throughout the day and is mostly dependent on how I feel at any particular moment, I like to imagine myself if not at this level yet then close to it. I like to think of myself as charming, smart, funny, a little bit of a smart ass and rogue. And good looking. Kinda like Rusty Ryan in Ocean's Eleven. Only, you know, BLACK.


I coined the term Black Brad Pitt before Jigga. Ask my pals.*

Talking to my boy the other day, I've realized that I'm not becoming movie star cool. Instead I'm slowly growing into a TV character by inches every day.

- I have a list of things to address to make right for me and others and ultimately the world.
- I live in a trailer park.
- I have a bigger younger brother but to get more to the point I live with a larger white male hillbilly (his words, not mine).
- We drive around in a shitty vehicle mostly playing country music, classic rock and some shitty rap.
- I know an authoritative blonde with a nice rack who likes black dudes(know a few blondes like this actually but, really, who doesn't?).
- I know a Mexican cleaning woman who is attractive(again, who doesn't?).
- I like spending time at bars drinking beer.
- And, to top it off, if I want to I can grow a pretty awesome mustache.

Who am I?


DAMMIT, MAHN. Earl? Least my fashion sense is better. I hope.

Sigh. Yeah, something has GOTTA change. and sooner than later.


*Trust me. They won't lie for me. They are dicks in that way. God, love 'em.

Idiom Series Septa

Lucky number 7.

"I want what's best for you."

I've been thinking about this one for awhile. It seems to pop up pretty regularly in conversations I hear between educators and students, parents and children, friends and people in relationships. "I want what's best for you." It forces me to think about what that person is saying and I have come to the conclusion that it is somewhat bullshit.

A person who is saying this to you isn't really (for the most part) saying what they really think they are saying. Sure, the person you hear it from may REALLY want what is best for you but their vision of this and your vision are usually different things. They want what is best for you to be for you to fulfill some image or idea that they WANT for you to do or become. They want you to become this potential person that exists in their head. This person, although great, may not be you or even remotely who you want to be. They desire you to be satisfied with a life that they choose for you, if you want it or not.

I'm not taking anything from the thought process and emotional attachment behind this statement and the goodwill that it is usually said with but there exists a better statement. A statement that really conveys that this person cares about you and it isn't about you fulfilling this role they have created for you in their mind.

I want you to be happy.

This simple statement is very similar to the one this Idiom Series entry is about without the burden of becoming someone that you might not be or even want to be. It also fulfills the emotional element that someone who truly cares about you would want to convey.

So, next time those words begin to bubble out of your mouth- PAUSE. Think about what you are really saying and what you truly want from that person in front of you. If you want them to become this person in your head and settle for a life you planned out for them, go right ahead and say it. If you really care that this person is enjoying and living life to the fullest, then say the other statement and mean it.

I mean, because at the end of the day I just want you to be happy. Seriously.

Next in Series- TBD

Hmmmm...........

You know I used to not believe in mankind. I actually argued with one of my freshman professors in college that humans were ultimately evil and/or selfish or too stupid. I thought that at the end of the day, every man, woman and child would ultimately just look out for themselves and that the bonds between people we see were a bit of an illusions when it came down to the choice between me and you.

I don't think that anymore.

I think people are scared and it's fear that compels them to do nothing to change their situation or the world as a whole. They are afraid of making things worse or rocking the boat so they just accept everything. I think that's actually a little scarier than them being evil. I can deal with evil. I know how to fight that. But, fear...Fear breeds ignorance and misunderstandings and destruction and dishonesty.

Let me think on this one and get back to the world.

I Actually Enjoyed A Knight's Tale

As always this post starts out of a conversation or two of three with my friends, who are, generally, smarter and better at making headway in life than I am. So, when they begin to discuss how things aren’t going there way or that they are lost, I get worried. Not to be totally self-absorbed and I DO care profoundly how my friends are doing, I instantly think “If this person is in bad straits, what the hell does that mean for me?”

One particular conversation that had me write this comes from a friend who is in a very similar state as I’m currently in. She was talking about how she gets bored with a lot of things and really has no concrete issue in one thing so it becomes hard for her to just choose a life path. Her telling me this made me reflect on this idea I had a week ago and have been thinking about for awhile actually.

I always have this love for watching movies set back in gladiatorial times or movies with knights or other periods involving simple people fighting and living. Not that I see an abundant amount of people that resemble me in these films but I’ve gotten used to it and watch these flicks for the stories and characters. I realized what I really like about these movies and it may sound weird.

I like the fact that these people either play the role they were assigned in life or attain a role they want and is fun for them. Their lives are simple- you do what you do, fall in love, fight, have children and pass on. If you are particularly good at what you do, your story lives on forever.

Now, this may seem weird especially from someone who wants to do everything and hates to be told what to do but I wish sometimes that my path was planned like that. Like, “Hey, here’s a sword. You are a soldier. Go.” There is no debating, no internal struggle. I have a sword and I either fight or I die. That’s it. Simple. And after the fighting is done for the day, I do whatever the hell I want. Or maybe it wasn’t like that. Maybe their lives sucked in a different way. I don’t know.

Maybe I want a simplified existence to make my life easier to manager and get through. If it’s all planned, there are no questions. I like questions but I also like to not stress about what I’m going to do next. So yeah, I watch these movies to escape reality and think about a simpler lifestyle.

Or maybe I just think I would be bad-ass with a sword. Who knows?

This May Be A Debilitating Disability (No, not really.....

....but it sure ain't good)

When I'm at work or just out, my mind gets flooded with ideas and things that I have almost fully planned out. I'm ready at those moments to bang out words and stories like no one's business.


This is my brain when I SHOULD be doing work. POW! ZOOM!

Then I get a free moment like right now and.... nothing.


G'mork. If you get the above reference, you were born in the 70s or 80s.

It's not even that I lost the ideas or don't know what to do. It seems my brain steps in and says "slow up. is this viable?" or "well, mr. smart guy, you have all these ideas and notions, which one are you going to start with?" I get through some things after toiling for a while but nowhere near the level I should be cranking it out.

This is my problem. I think it is my main problem, actually, and if I was able to overcome it then I think my life would run substantially smoother.

Maybe I need Ritalin or something. Don't want to depend on drugs of any kind though.

Suggestions? Ideas?