Caged Therapy

Nosce Te Ipsum- Know Thyself

2011-05-18T14:57:00.000-07:00

Been thinking about be an adult for a minute and, mostly, how I'm not one. I mean physically I'm very much an old guy. My actions and current status though say the opposite. I beat myself over it and try to find escape routes out of it but it grows harder. I see my friends moving forward and that both makes me smile and gives me a heart punch. But it's getting better. I'm starting to realize that like everything in life this is all a matter of perception.
I ran into an old classmate at one of my friend's film screenings. He sit down and talks to me and my friend's mother about his path. He is an actor and doing some big and life-fulfilling things now. He says that it's what he loves and that it came about through a journey of self-discovery. Then he says "You remember I was a bit of clown in high school, right Sean?" I just laugh and give a gentle nod.
Because I really don't.
What I remember was a fellow kid that fit in well and I didn't really have much interaction with him except for the rare moments we were in a class or on a sports team together. He had his friends and I had mine with limited overlap. If I had to describe him back then it would be a kinda corny jock who happened to date a girl I liked a lot. Hell, if you asked me to describe him a few years ago, it would have been the black guy that this white girl from high school got me confused with, which is strange because we look NADA alike and I am taller than him and she talked to him but not me back then.
But I just nodded because I am happy that he has found his joy, high school was a LONG time ago and, hey, maybe he was the joker in his crew. That's how he perceived himself and perception is how we control our own personal universes. Besides just motivating us, this gives us our power.
This is just my belief but I think that perception can change your existence and willpower and belief in your vision can alter your course. I'm not talking about an in The Secret way and just wishing for something to happen but just working isn't enough if their isn't a faith or belief in something backing your quest.
Back to this high school acquaintance/friend/dude I know. His saying that made me flash back to a conversation I had with my father. (Oh, yeah, trying to communicate with him more; another topic for another post) He was describing an incident where a teacher put his hands on me in elementary school. He was relating to me how when he got the call that he thought it might have been my younger brother ("Rock might have said some wild shit") or my older sister ("Relle probably fought him because he did something to her and she didn't play"). The thought of it being me never crossed his mind and he was shocked because "Sean gives me no problems" and is "the good one." The teacher did put his hands on me without cause and he was correct that I gave "no problems" but that perception of me kinda bugged me.
I mean I WAS a good kid. A VERY good kid. And I was always the one who was the smart, rational, calm one. This is not to say my siblings weren't geniuses or rational themselves. They were/are. It's just that THAT was what I was known for. The kid that read the encyclopedia. The son not cussing out my teachers (Rock). The kid not potentially laying the smackdown on someone for linestepping (Relle). And that felt good when I was like 8. But as I grew up I sort of hated that.
The perception we get placed on us can pigeonhole us into a role. It can pressure you and drive you crazy depending on how others see you. This only leaves 3 options-
1) Be mature, accept what people think of you and do what you want regardless
2) Accept that is who you are and become that person
3) Rebel and be the total antithesis of what people believe about you

I did a combo of 2 and 3. I would coast through school because the shit was easy to me and the only time I failed was because I didn't care and behaved accordingly. (Or maybe it was never diagnosed ADHD....) This was childish. The rebellion was costing me my future which I didn't realize until late.
On the other hand, I didn't care that I was fucking up because I just really HATED being "safe, good Sean." It helps to be calm but eating your anger for a lot of years can just create a maelstrom of rage and rashness that's ready to explode at any moment. I used to be shocked at the kids just going crazy in the schoolyard and my little brother just saying whatever to whomever but I understand now that that behavior is sometimes healthy, even if you might get slapped for it. You have released your fireball of anger and can move on instead of being in your late twenties/early thirties with the heat of a thousand suns right under the surface.
I'm finally dealing with balancing my emotions and not living up to anyone's image of me, although it still creeps up from time to time. I have come to realize others' perception has a limited control on my life. My family views me as one way. My friends see me as one way. Women see me as one way. But even with the way I'm perceived by others, MY OWN perception is going to dictate my future and how successful I am going to be in any and every thing I do.
Okay. Ramble done. Get back to steer your ship in your own universe and visit mine when you get the chance. Just know that that kid that I was is still there but he has more facets to his personality now.

Too Much Noise In The Attic

2011-05-18T14:53:00.000-07:00

(or, The Need For MDT-48)

I had a dream the other day. Not a normal dream starring me or people I know. It was a creative dream where random sparks of story start and ideas flow. I usually don't get these- most of my ideas come from walking around, seeing something or just a FLASH while I'm doing something else. I don't know if anyone else operates that way but I do.
Anyway, the dream were about this high school assassin (basically a ninja who was a Senior) who had just protected a girl with his smarter, more serious, more accomplished ninja best friend. They all get on a school bus and he ends up sitting next to a cute Asian girl. They talk and he finds out she has a crush on this guy a few rows back. The ninja guy tells her to go for it. Fast forward through the day and she tells the guy she likes him while this guy's friends are around. The guy says he has to think about it and that night the girl is attacked, only being saved by the original ninja assassin boy. He unmasks the guy that attacks her and it's one of her crush's closest friends. The ninja kid finds out that his new friend's father is part of a secret evil organization called Orcus that she doesn't know about and the guy attacking her is with the "good guys." The ninja guy is part of a group of assassins created to keep balance.

Then I wake up.

I quickly write all these notes down and come up with the idea for three different ninja/assassin guild type organization fighting each other for some control. There would be a teacher there who would be secretly a member of the same ninja group as the main kid. It all had some overtones of a quirky anime series.

I stopped myself before giving the characters names.

I was almost about to do it again. I was going to start another story, not finish it and be thrown off from the 2 or 3 tales I should really be working on, particularly the one I think it actually good (and potential money maker or at least publishable). I'm trying to break myself of this habit.
I get a bunch of ideas shooting through my head a day and it's SOOOOO hard to focus on one to completion. I have a few blog posts in different stages of completion, a story for a friend I just want to finish to be done with, a whole re-imagining of the Marvel comics universe from beginning to end that's NEVER seeing the light of day, an idea for a clothes line (or at least t-shirts) with character concepts and various other stories of varying length that distract me from getting the priority stuff done. This is not to even mention the big comic universe thing I've been working on since high school in one form or another that I had on a scandisk that shattered that I'm trying to recreate from memories and some stuff I saved online about it. That one REALLY kills me.
I need to figure out if this randomness of how my mind operates and works is a symptom of a real problem, normal crazy creative people operation or laziness and disarray at work.
Any way you slice it I have got to get to work on the important stuff. I'm about to miss a soft deadline I set for myself and I'm not happy with that. I'm going to get it done but I need to figure out what to do to make all these ideas work in the most productive way while also looking for work and living a life.

Sorry. I had to vent.I'll get it together.

May 21, 2011- UPDATED!!!!

2011-05-16T12:04:00.001-07:00

So, this Saturday is May 21, 2011 and, according to a certain faction of Christian fundamentalists, it's more than the middle of another weekend where I should be drinking Snake Juice to go blind. It is in fact THE APOCALYPSE!* (cue Inception sound effect)

I have a few problems with this, not the least being I have plans to see Captain America when it comes out and I still, hopefully, got a few more boobies to feel in my remaining time on this planet. But for the sake of me getting back to my worthwhile and potentially profitable work, I'll just address my two key issues with this date that has been rattling around in my head for a few days.

1) Why May 21, 2011?
I know that the folks behind this are using some newfangled math/Old Testament abacus to get to this date. Supposedly, God told someone (probably Noah or Noah's cousin Pookie) that in seven days he would send rain to the Earth to wipe out people and, using the math from the Bible's appendix, each of God's days is like one thousand years so he really meant in 7 THOUSAND years God would get to work in washing away the sin. Not to even get into the whole Great Flood and why God even needs to give folks a heads up but how do we know 7000 years ago on May 21 was the day some dude was told this by God? Who took that note because I know that I have forgotten what I ate last week much less remembering what happened when I was 25.

2) How many people are being "saved"?
Here's a little background, folks- My father was a huge religion guy (nut) back in the day and had The Bible memorized.** I think he still does but he used to quote stuff to me, particularly that children's favorite section called The Book of Revelation of St. John. I remember fondly hearing about the End Days and Wormwood and The Beast and The Antichrist. Good times, good times.
What really stuck out to me and became even bigger as my uncle and his family became Jehovah Witnesses (nutty nuts) was the number of people being saved- 144,000.
144,000? Are you shitting me? There are about 400,000 babies born daily worldwide. God is just gonna choose which pretty baby he wants in Heaven? Is St. Peter some sort of nightclub bouncer?

"You ain't gettin' in with them shoes, partna."

So, I do some research into what these Saturday Morning Apocalypse folks are saying and there number is now at about 200 million folks are gonna make it.*** Must have something to do with inflation. Still, that's like only 3% of the world's population. So let's figure God is only rapturing the truly innocent and truly Christian (i.e. those who practice what they preach, turn the other cheek, fish on Friday, etc.). That means that's only about the babies born in the last year and maybe some young kids without hate in their heart are going. So, why are these people deluded to think they get on that bus? They have a much better chance of winning the PowerBall then getting through those Pearly Gates.

"Just ladies right now, fellas. Shoulda brought some females with you."

Shoot, I would tell them to play the PowerBall but by the time the checks clear we'll be knee-deep in Apocalypse shenanigans.

Ok. That ends my mini-rant. Back to work and preparing for fun SUNDAY activities.

And if I'm wrong and the Four Horsemen start galloping Saturday, well, I guess I'll just have to make the rest of the week count.

Ladies?

*Actually, Harold Camping, the guy behind this Nostradamus level prediction, is backpedaling a bit now and saying that it's the START of the end but the real end is October 21, 2011 and I won't make it to my next birthday. Great. I had plans for a donkey show in Tijuana that has to be TOTALLY scrapped now. And I CAN'T get back that deposit. Awesome work, Lord Above. Good job.
**And I seem to remember he taught himself to read Arabic. Jeez. Why am I such a lazy arse?
***This new number from the dude who said "I know it's absolutely true, because the Bible is always absolutely true." How'd he get that number then?

Update-

That Buck That Bought A Bottle Could've Struck The Lotto.....

2011-04-22T10:03:00.000-07:00

I always just think about random stuff when I'm in the streets. Streams of consciousness and the like, usually starting from whatever I happen to see or thoughts begin from ideas for something I'm working on.
So, I'm out, going to the library and picking up a sandwich for my grandmother when I see the Powerball, Mega-Millions little tower by the candy racks. I always have those quick daydreams about what I would do if I won. I do this so much so that I probably have it listed on this blog somewhere.
Today it was a combo of winning the lottery and what I would do if I had a genie grant me three wishes. I'm sure this will change but this is the three wishes I would shoot for (figuring that you can't wish for more wishes or impossibilities like world peace)

1) I want to win the lotto when it gets above $120 million. I figure that this will give me around $60 million and I wouldn't be caught up in some "biting me in the ass/Twilight Zone/dickish genie" aspect of the wish as opposed to just winning for straight cash. Plus, $60 million is more than enough.

2) I want a checking account that has $5,000 in it no matter how much cash I withdraw and a savings account with $30,000 and the same stipulation. I know I just got $60 million but I figure after I get a few larger purchases, I can invest and save that money for future possible kids. The ever-lasting bank money would be good for my daily/weekly/monthly existence. Like Shaq and his endorsement checks.

3) Finally, I want my friends and family to be without financial issues. This is mainly so I don't have to give anyone cash but it's also so that their lives are a little less stressful and maybe it'll help their own brand of crazy. Pay off their student loans and clean up their credit. I definitely don't believe money is a cure-all BUT it does make the medicine easier to swallow and allows you to buy it in the first place.

Aight.
Enough Sean randomness.
Time to go back to listening to Childish Gambino and trying to write.

Twenty 'Leven

2011-01-05T15:18:00.001-08:00

"I am a complete sentimentalist at New Year's. I admit it. I get all choked up reflecting on the successes of the past, looking towards the promise of the future....in theory. Most years it's more like 'beating myself up over twelve months of consecutive failure and crippling terror at what the next twelve have in store.' Either way, gets me all misty."- Spider-Man (written by Joe Kelly)

Yeah, I'm really not the type of person who makes resolutions. Well, not exactly. I don't make any specific goals. I just usually promise myself to make myself a better person and keep it that vague. This year I am determined to make it different.

I got an e-mail from one of my friends that put a fire under my arse. I also received a bunch of cards from another friend that made me think about my good qualities and how I wasn't utilizing my full potential. I know what I want(kinda) and I definitely know what I would want my life to look like.

So I've come up with a short list of things to do in 2011.

-Work out at least 3 times a week steadily
-Finish this first of a series of shorter stories by January 23rd
-Write at least 2 poems or one short story per week after that is done
-Finish my best novel by March 20th
-Visit my friends in Chicago
-Get employed by the first week of February
-Visit Vegas by year's end
-Sell all these comics by the end of July (know I'm not gonna get a great price for them but they take up space and are just another thing I have to think of)
-Watch less TV
-Limit my daily input use; random internet browsing has to go down i.e. stay off of TVTropes
-Draw 2 pics for weekend and, if this scanner gets fixed, upload to one of my other sites- K-Solo Infinity
-Make myself a brand
-Finish this clothes image idea I have by April 11th
-Get back to fearless living and random adventures
-Suit up with a tuxedo at some point. Fancy cane is optional.

I'll probably lengthen it as time goes on but this is a decent start I think.
Comments? Suggestions? Smart arse remarks?

What's Your Point...

2010-11-30T20:15:00.000-08:00

You know, everyone I know is fighting to get back what they had. I'm fighting because I don't know how to do anything else. -Starbuck, BSG

I've been thinking a bit about my future. I do this a lot but it's mostly during a bit of drinking or something randomly good happens to someone I know and I experience a liminal moment. But lately I've been thinking about my path and the choices I've made and the choices I'm going to make. Particularly, I've been comparing my decisions against those of my close friends.

I really believe you shouldn't measure yourself against the yardstick of others but as you grow older and the people around you are moving ahead with what they want to do it becomes inevitable to compare yourself to them. I'm personally blessed/cursed with successful and focused friends. They have their idea of a future pretty well mapped out in their heads. They know what they want as far as career paths and what they love to do. They are married/engaged/in serious relationships/not emotionally stunted. They are moving in a direction.

Me? Not so much.

I've never been much of a planner. My goals have always been vague at best. I mean, I know I want to write novels and I think it would be nice to have someone to share a future with. But ask me how to get there or what I would do if I even got there....Shit, you got me.

It's that I don't want to be that kind of focused individual. I REALLY do. I just often think I have an incomplete set of tools to accomplish that. It infuriates me at points and I'm sure it must annoy the people around me. I imagine that they are looking at me like I disappointed them and maybe the world. I'm not that little kid who was smarter than the rest and wanted to do everything. Hell, I'm not even that dumb teenager/20-something who lived fearlessly and just DID stuff. I think something inside me went to sleep and I need to wake it up because at this point I'm just going through the motions of aging and living. I encounter a problem and deal with it but not with that hopeful reckless abandon I used to.

I mean look at that kid's crazy face.

I need to get that back. Or else I become Starbuck level screwed-up and I DO NOT want that. I don't think anyone does.

New Worst Nightmare

2010-11-05T06:25:00.000-07:00

Just woke up from a new dream. Or should I say nightmare. Not sure where it came from. Maybe it was a weird combo from cold meds and ice cream consumption but it reaffirmed my decision to take off the year from women.
As most dreams, the part that scared me was fragmented and near the end. It was basically a lot of random scenes and things happening but what got me was the finale.
I was with one of my ex-girlfriends and she told me she was pregnant with MY KID.

Now, it wasn't the fact that I was having a child. I know logically that I'm not emotionally or financially prepared for that responsibility. Although I'm probably more equipped emotionally to raise another human being than I think and I truly believe I would make a good dad one day, I'm a broke dude living in my mother's basement. I would NEVER bring a baby into that sort of situation. And even with all that my main fear wasn't even anything I had listed.

No, my fear was having a kid with HER. I'm gonna preface what I'm about to say with this, all the ladies I have been involved with in a relationship or close to relationship form are generally good, decent human beings. They are caring and somewhat kind. BUT, most of them are a lil crazy. I'm not saying that's on them but I find myself attracted to women with issues or problems. As a matter of fact, nowadays when I find myself getting even a little bit emotionally attracted to a woman I pull back and ask myself "Sean, what's her issue?"
This is not to say that I'm perfect. Hell no. If you even read a post or two on this page you would know that is the furthest thing from reality. I just happen to attract similarly or more screwed-up individuals to me.
What made this dream worse for me was which young lady it was. Because even with all I just stated there are some former flames that I think I could raise a kid with without murdering each other or making the kid worse than either of us. Actually, I could probably name 3 or 4 women who, combined with me, could make a fully-functioning great member of society.

It was just this ONE.
I'm not going to say who it was, although I'm pretty sure she doesn't read this or even know this page exists.....ACTUALLY she might know because that crazy kinda stalker behavior is exactly one of the reasons this dream was so scary. I didn't help the situation with us but still the crazy was there and booty isn't enough to start a family off of.
So that's my nightmare. Just thought I would share. Don't tell my exes. And if you are someone I dated/hooked up with and think this is about you, it probably was.

TWEETYOURSIXTEENYEAROLDSELF

2010-11-04T10:57:00.000-07:00

I just found out that #tweetyoursixteenyearoldself is a trending topic on Twitter. I have too much to tell my old self for 140 characters to work. Instead I just wrote a blog post for that kid. I would have included a pic for this but my scanner is playing games and I kinda looked like Dookie from The Wire in my yearbook pic. (Hey, we all were pretty funny looking as teens)
Here is just good advice for old me, new me, my future kids and maybe even you....

-observe what the world wants but don't try to fit in
-girls, ladies, females, women, chicas- you'll never understand. that doesn't mean not to try but don't kill yourself in the process. most of them aren't as complicated as they think anyway.
-being smart only goes so far
-being stupid goes even a shorter distance
-don't get a girlfriend just because your friends do
-follow your own path but also be like your friends, particularly in regards to a work ethic and especially that kid Eryan
-try harder, in everything
-you won't be a famous rapper or athlete; get creative
-anyway, you're gonna be angry at rappers in about a decade or so, so there's that
-ease up on your teachers. they have a tough job. maybe you'll find out more about it personally one day
-that girl you like? just ask her out. if you don't, you'll regret it. don't worry what people say. time goes by and people's memories are generally short. you'll only regret what you didn't do not what you did
-Oh, yeah. you'll feel this way about 2 to 3 other women at least. if she says no, it's not the end of the world. you'll survive
-you'll also meet girls you only kinda like and make out with them so that'll soften the blow a bit.
-being called Usher? USE IT.
-DON'T drink the tequila
-BAD WOLF (that's a geeky joke you'll get one frakkin'* day)
-Say what you feel and mean what you say
-Rock will be taller than you. by about a half foot. deal with it
-listen to Relle. sure she can be irritating now but she has been places you are going and has good advice
-most of the people you think are douchey now and you don't like probably won't be the same in a few years. give them a chance and the quiet ones too
-you won't be the same in a few years as well
-WARNING! some people who are douchey now are STILL douchey in 2010. figure out how to ask me and I'll give you the names.
-Try not to date girls with too many female friends. NEVER date a girl with NO female friends
-your dad may not be the best but he does have some okay advice sometimes
-DON'T give weapons to your little brother
-pay attention to the internet. it's gonna be huge. and annoying. and a time burglar
-By the way, Y2K? Bullshit.
-don't lie to impress people. it's cliche but be yourself. trust me it works
-move to Las Vegas for awhile. Or at last visit a lot and try to also live alone. it'll help you grow
-don't be afraid to be different but don't be different JUST to be different
-don't look for enemies or people to hate you. it sounds ridiculous but people in the future LOVE this. Yup, it's as silly as it sounds
-write down any idea you have. even if you think it's goofy. save it. look at it later
-keep drawing
-don't stop believing. not only a good song but good advice
-"Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength because it shows you have the courage to admit when you don't know something, and that then allows you to learn something new."
-that quote above is from Barack Obama. Our BLACK president. No shit. I swear to God, kid.
-don't be afraid to tell people you love 'em. it's not "gay"
-also, stop saying things are "gay". it's pretty immature and offensive. Do you really care what people do with their lives? No? That's what I thought. Let other people be happy. You'll have a lot of gay friends one day. And by the way, Doogie Howser? TOTALLY gay and HIGH-larious as hell. Trust me on this one. NPH is KING!
-sometimes it's okay to fight. just choose the right battles. just a tip- fight for people you care about? good. fights while drinking? bad.
-take up a hobby. maybe a sport
-don't be afraid- of failure, success or dogs
-try new things
-go to different places
-believe in something, even if it's just yourself

*you'll get this too

Just A Good (Fictional) Speech

2010-10-16T16:04:00.001-07:00

From Smallville's Oliver Queen aka Green Arrow- here

Talkin' Bout My Generation

2010-09-23T13:25:00.000-07:00

Ahhh, Fall.

I like fall.

The leaves turn pretty colors. The summer heat begins to abate and it no longer feels like Hades outside. I can rock hoodies, which I love because I look good in hoodies and they make me look bigger. Pretty new college students sneaking into bars and clubs that I can look at like a creepy old man. Yes. Good times.

But maybe the real reason I like fall is the beginning of a new television season.

Now, this might not mean much to those who never had television turn off at a certain time of the day, who never had only about five channels to watch or don't remember not having a summer season. But it still means a good deal to me. Fall season starting for television means my old favorites like Fringe and Community are coming back. It also heralds the start of new series that I might waste my time on, such as Lone Star or Boardwalk Empire.

It also means that there are also shows that I'm avoiding like the plague- The Event(LOST multiplied by 4400;no thanks), Mike & Molly (you describe yourself as a fat-com and I'm out) and finally, My Generation.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm sure this is a fine show for some people and the people on it are good actors. I'm just not going to watch it right now. This just seems like television about remembering the "good ol' days" of high school. The time when we were all dumb and hopeful. That's fine and I love watching old episodes of Dawson's Creek but I don't want to compare that against the cold reality of adulthood. All the dashed hopes and dreams unachieved.

For example, from what I can tell from the commercial it appears one couple got married because they got pregnant and the husband enlisted to support them, killing his athletic dreams. I admit that that is dramatic but it is also a bit of a downer.

I watch television generally as an escape from the mundane and this series hits a tad too close to home. Maybe that is saying too much about my life's course and my bad decisions but at the end of it all I'm gonna have to take a pass on this show for now.

Maybe I'll catch it after they cancel it like I did with October Road.

I'll probably watch that No Ordinary Family show though. Sure, it's pretty much just The Incredibles (which was just the Fantatic Four) but it'll be a cheesy distraction for like three weeks.

Thought Experiment

2010-07-25T11:12:00.000-07:00

Take a second and imagine yourself at like 8 or 10 years old. Imagine that this younger version is in the room with you. He or she is sitting there next to you or looking over your shoulder as you look at this screen. They are probably wearing something horrible, like high water overalls or something bright from Cross Colours if you are about my age. Gods.
Anyway, back to the experiment.
So this younger you is standing there looking at the same computer screen as you. You click to one of your social networking pages, like Facebook, Myspace or Friendster(you are really STILL using Friendster? C'mon, son...) You go through your profile info and your pictures. You slowly look back over the pictures you took of yourself and pictures that others have put up of you.

What does your younger self say?
What do they think?
Are they happy with your life choices?

Things That Sound Good But Normally Aren't

2010-07-20T12:03:00.000-07:00

- nude beaches
- bachelorette parties (for dudes)
- half-price movies (these are ALWAYS in crappy neighborhoods and/or filled with other broke bastards, like you)
- twin sisters (just trust me on this one)
- most time-shares
- Score's

Just FYI

2010-07-16T19:18:00.000-07:00

Idiom Series Twelve

2010-04-20T15:57:00.001-07:00

Double sixes. Must mean something in some game. I just don't recall. You would think I celebrate 4/20 or something.....

"Look, I'm a tolerant person..."

No. No you aren't. Tolerant people don't have to say that. If you start out in a defensive mode it is usually because you are about to come from an almost indefensible position with little to no merit and definitely without tolerance for your opposing viewpoint.

Stop saying you are tolerant and actually be tolerant. Become an open-minded human being.

Then I'll tolerate YOU.

Week of (Kinda) Silence

2010-04-02T10:33:00.000-07:00

March 27- April 2, 2010 Decided to take the week off from television and the interwebz. Here are the rules and below that is what happened.
DVDs don't count
Only my e-mail could be checked
Only emergencies could be responded to, ie job replies, sick friends, etc.
Limited time even in a room with television

Day1-
Sent out last necessary e-mail, still receiving e-mail to my BlackBerry but I only check the subject line for the importance of it. I can hear the tv in the other room with my younger brother; he's a tv fiend.
Odd to be up this early and not on a computer. Women choose the last moment or odd times to make request. Foresee a small window of future drop-offs for family. I don't really like driving; feels like my arse is spreading the more time behind the wheel.
Random thought popping in my head- like taking my brother and cousins to movies
The blue light is turned off on this cable box to not mock me but I watched Dogtown and the Z-Boys on DVD again. Think the message might be adversity and being fearless breeds creativity.
Also read Death of Ivan Ilyich by Tolstoy, which was recommended by Mess. It was decent but seemed like a school syllabus book read by girls in an English class at a private school that requires them to wear uniforms with stockings.
It still feels like a bunker around here. This is definitely my bro's space.
Plus side of this week off is it makes Earth Hour that much easier; even my brother participated.

Day 2-
Harder to get up on day two. Realizing my bro blasts the tv. Radio stations plays the same craptastic music on repeat and Slacker Radio has miraculously appear on my BlackBerry. This gives me a solution to dealing with others watching tv in my presence and is only borderline cheating.
Skype mobile has also appeared for some reason on my BB. I'm confused by how to even use it on this thing.
Listening to Gorillaz radio now and it has finally clicked why I like Song 2 by Blur. I never made the connection that it was Damon Albarn singing it.
Time to drive to the mall. Green Acres is shitty- it only has one bookstore, a Borders Express.
Okay, I broke my internet rule but to be fair it was to QUICKLY look up a recipe for my mother who was busy. I made some double chocolate cookies

Day 3-
Raining outside today.
Do I do laundry? Grandmother has the tv on as I decide.
Shaq's mom wrote a book. She says she had a plan? What? bang a tall dude?
Hit the library, drive out to less shitty mall in Roosevelt Field.
Man, I hate Rihanna and Sean Paul's accents. His sound like some mishmash of Jamaican patois and a drunk Irish dude. This Carry Out song by Timbaland and Justin Timberlake is pretty decent- the lyrics are ehh but I still succumb to the Timbo effect. Bookstores are great but if you are broke you DEFINITELY like the library much more.

Day 4-
Flood time. Awesome. New neighbors are moving in today.
I woke up to usual- my brother bumping rap music and Law & Order on his tv. Is he playing Drake? No, that's TI. Good.
Walk the dog and I feel like I'm swimming in the street.
I finished a book I picked up yesterday. I realize I hate book series for two main reasons 1) the first book is a good book and I can't wait for the next one to be published or 2) it is a crappy book in series and I feel I wasted my time.
Listened to Sean Price aka Kimbo Price and had a flashback to the early '90s and Decepticons roaming the subways in Brooklyn. I like this Trap or Die joint by Jeezy, forgot about it but still a good listen.
I talked to a friend or should I say I listened to my friend. Just reaffirmed my women are crazy and men are dumb theory. Need to really write up that blog.

Day 5-
I was just texted by my friend that my Facebook was hacked. Fixed it and quickly got off the internet.
I need to get to the store for some art supplies soon. Wait. Oh yeah. I'm broke.
It's laundry time. I like this teenage girl's chunky headphones- they are black with a red number 6 inside a circle. I'm trying to remember where I have seen them before.
These notes I'm jotting down are like tweeting without Twitter. I do find myself missing the internet a bit.
Just revisited a variation of a story idea I had. Hey, the library has new yellow bags. They kinda remind me of the bank bags in the Jason Bourne movies but much cheaper.
Why are people surprised at flooding if you live by a shoreline? I was never shocked. This lady is whining like she was hit by Katrina.
Should I even do my taxes?
Another food question...why ask questions when the answer is always the same? I should look into male PMS. I might have that shit. Or maybe I'm just more irritable than I think I am.

Day 6-
Fell asleep at 8 pm woke at 12:30 am and then rose again at 6:35 am. I thought I set my alarm for 9:30 pm. Apparently not.
I turned on Z100 (NYC Top 40 station) and the morning show was on as I showered. They are having a discussion about Heathers and how people with that name were bitchy and/or slutty. I had to chuckle at this.
Holy Thursday is April 1st/April Fool's Day. I think there is a deeper meaning there with the catholic church's handling of abuse.
Yard work outdoors. I have that Justin Bieber song stuck in my head. Uh-oh. Do I have Bieber Fever?
I turn on Slacker for a cure and listen to NERD. Their music always makes me think about superheroes and Cali.
Missing vowels? Really, Gmail? That's the best you can do?
Should I get a haircut? The Rub is Saturday.
Grandmother had Marriage Ref on as I worked on something. I find I have to agree with my friends- it is funny. TV is still on with Leno now. Bobby Brown sweeps up on Jay's trivia contest- but he only beats K-Fed and Nicole Eggert so there is that qualifier....

Day 7-
Woke up and I am out of it. I had a dream about me trying to return a lost dog, going south and north, getting into a car accident and then arguing and fighting with 4 cops like I was a Watchmen/Matrix character.
As I walk this dog, I notice similarities between him and me- anger issues, bad teeth, rush for instant gratification, run into things blindly, sweet tooth, need haircuts constantly and constantly humping anything we could in the past.
Touching up a fake fight poster, Nope. I'm not going overboard but might be fear of failure kicking in.
I have to hit the library again. I like rocking my hat or hoodie but don't know if it's for comfort or protection or if it's a form of hiding.
Anyway, this has been a strange but enlightening week. Needed the break but now it's time for inane waste of time on the world wide web.
Why did we stop calling it that? Guess it is geeky but the internet is kinda geeky by it's mere existence.
Whatever. Peace.

Planet Sean

2010-03-22T12:53:00.000-07:00

(From a conversation I had with a friend, unedited. I really feel strongly about the whole ISLAND concept but not so much the whole blow up France part. I love you French bastards)

Me: What we need is to get an island with like 20 or 30 adults who have been vetted hard to be as little discriminatory as possible (prob worded that wrong but I think you get me)
And you take a bunch of orphans who are still young and let those people raise 'em
to see difference but not be judgmental to that difference
And let that go on for like 100 years
Pal: Make sure the orphans are all mixed
so everyone is the same shade of brown
me: And make sure they have full education about humanity
but have limited contact with the rest of us assholes
And if after 100 years that shit is working, do another vetting, like world wide vetting process of like a 1000 people and grab the original island folks and put them on a bigger landmass
And then get rid of the rest of the human race and start over
Pal: LMAO
me: But all joking aside we need an asshole that randomly threatens countries for no reason
Like"If y'all aren't kind to your
fellow man, I'll blow up France"
"Why France?"
"Why not?"
And just do a random city or country every six months until we pull our heads out of our arses
These are the thoughts in my head as I hear the news
Pal: Exactly why I stopped watching the news
me: I try to avoid it
But I'm on fb and twitter still
Makes me miss the old days without the internet and blissful ignorance
Pal: HA!
me: Might have to enact willful ignorance again soon
Problem with having smart friends
Pal: ?
Me: Always wanna talk about important shit
Pal: LOL

Bio-Logy

2010-03-15T13:35:00.000-07:00

(damn, that title is lame- whatever....)
Been reading a lot of biographies, autobiographies and memoirs recently. Couldn't tell you why. Maybe I'm trying to get an idea of what's needed to "make it." Regardless, I've noticed a lot of similarity between all of these folks (and a few definitive differences) that I can probably come up what is necessary to come out ahead and be successful doing what you love.

*Limited to no fear, particularly of failure
*Having supportive people/people who don't stand in your way
*Laser-like focus on your end goal
*Ability to adapt to what is thrown in your path
*Ability to change negatives into positives and dealing well with adversity
*Pride in being unique or different
*Self-confidence
*Knowing how to be respectful when necessary and aggressive when needed
*Doing what you love daily in some form

There others things I'm sure I'm missing but this quick list is what pops immediately to mind at this moment.

Life is wack juice versus awesome sauce.

Also, Chelsea Handler is a funny dickhead and Tracy Morgan is funny even in written form. "I'm old school. I don't pull out."

Talking Heads Once In a Lifetime....

2010-03-15T10:47:00.000-07:00

My cousin came by to visit recently. I hadn't seen him in about two years since our little family reunion. I was in Vegas at that time doing "Sean things" and had come back to NYC to see my sister and her family who were in town from Tokyo. Since we were back, I guess my family decided to have a little meetup. It was cool. I saw a lot of folks I hadn't seen in a while and a few friends came over and I went out to gt drunk at The Rub after. So, basically, a normal summer Saturday for me at home.

But, anyway, back to my older cousin. He came there with my aunt and I talked to him a minute about the usual stuff while I was on the grill and drinking beer. It was kind of hazy (I WAS drinking loads of beer)but I do recall that he was married and I believe working as or with bounty hunters, which, to be honest, is pretty normal for my family outside of the whole married things. I was happy as long as he was happy and he seemed like it.

Flash-forward to now. He comes into town with a new job doing promotional things for Atlantic Records and separated from his wife. He is very happy and is part of the work for the Jay-Z tour. I'm happy for dude but it brings up a strange thought for me.

This guy was raised as a Jehovah's Witness and his parents pretty much kept him away from me, my brother and our other cousins when we were really small because either we lived on a bad block (which was very true) or we were bad influences (only marginally true). He moved out of state and me and my brother visited for a weekend here and there and for his graduation. Basically, his parents spent an inordinate time trying to take him away from "the street" and the things that go along with that. Fast forward twelve years and you really couldn't tell the difference between us and, in fact, some of the things he is doing now I've passed on already.

This makes me thinking about how I ended up in my current condition, hence the title of this post (step your 1980s New Wave music lyrics game up, kid).

I know logically how I arrived at my current state. It comes down to all the little discussions, smart choices, stupid foul-ups, random partying and every other choice I made. There are of course outside forces at work that could have affected my life more positively in terms of success if I followed them and definitely forces that could have had a HUGE negative effect.

Even with that knowledge I still find myself asking how did I get here. This occurs more frequently when I run into people I haven't seen in a while, which happens very frequently since I'm back in New York. It also happens a lot when I hang out or talk to my friends, most of whom I have known for at least a decade. My friends are highly successful or are on the way to living their dreams. It's always interesting that the same people that you walk along with on the same path can have vastly different endpoints. But, then I realize it's the shortcuts we take, the veering to the left and right, and th branching off to another path that crosses with your original path in the future that makes us truly individual. I share a lot of similar courses with my friends and my brother and have seen a lot of the same stuff. It's the stuff that I have saw on my own and those places and time periods that I have been alone that makes me the person I am right now.

The greater question I have to ask myself is why am I even contemplating this. I mean it's a good philosophical question but the truth behind it is deeper. I ask myself this because, to be honest, I'm not always happy with where I am right now. I can think of other options for myself and compare to the actual reality of my status, they are much better.

My questioning of how I ended up here doesn't come from a negative place. It's a tool that I'll have to keep utilizing to make myself move forward. When I am satisfied or at least content in the moment I tend to stagnate and just "be". After that, something normally occurs to make me unhappy and snap out of that existence and move on to the questioning phase. After that is the decision and action part of my life. I think that is what I am starting a new now. This cycle has always occurred with me and I'm not sure whether it is good or bad. I just know it is here and I deal with it in my way.

I hope one day I won't ask the question of how did I end up here and someone else will ask it of me. I will really smile because on that day I'll know I did what I wanted to, following my own path to my idea of success.

Switching Faces

2010-03-14T14:15:00.000-07:00

As you mature, most of your life, or at least mine, seems to be devoted to figuring out where you fit in. Whether it's in your little group of friends or into the greater world stage, life seems to always be about re-evaluating you position. I find this is particularly true for me as I view my different relationships- how I interact with my old friends, new friends, my family, strangers and people who irritate me.

At my core I'm definitely am the same guy on Monday as I am on Saturday (with maybe a question as to my sobriety level). I am pretty consistent in my actions and the only thing that I might adjust is my degree of harshness in my comments with people. For example, the way I interact with my brother is not going to be the same as the way I interact with a female friend. And even in the subset of female friends there are varying degrees of familiarity I have due to time known, past experience and my feelings on what slick shite I can get away with saying.

Thinking about this change in behavior forces me to ask the question- Who am I really?

If I can and do change how I am with different people, is there something not totally defined about me? If I can be the "I will fight anyone" person when I'm out with my brother and also be the "let's keep it civil and walk away" person with certain friends, does that mean I'm just a chameleon wearing different masks? Or am I just adjusting to the particular situation?

When I really think about it, the "I will fight anyone" person is just a degree removed from the "who is this guy talking to" protector I can sometimes be when I'm with my female friends (and that's not to say that my friends need to be protected; it's just something I've been raised to be) and he is like five steps away from the "civil" persona I have to take on when I'm with one of my more * ahem * hot-headed compatriots.

Maybe that's it. I'm the same person with this system of core beliefs about certain things and I adjust to get my point across or to make my feelings/viewpoints understood depending on the audience. And outside of these core beliefs, I'm open and willing to hear other differing views on the world so it may appear that I'm unsure about who I am at my core but I'm just more accepting that there is more than one truth.

Anyway, this is one of those things I think about when I'm alone. Just sayin'.

My Ten Necessities

2010-03-13T10:04:00.000-08:00

I posted a list of the 10 things I need to move forward/survive/deal with on my wordpress.com main blog. Let's revisit that now, shall we?

1. Laptop- Fried it. Typing on my mom's laptop, my bro's computer or my grandmother's computer until I can get it fixed and hopefully everything on it back.
2. Small Notebooks- Still have these strewn about randomly in jackets. Very handy.
3. Travel Disk/Atomsk- Snapped it in an unfortunate accident before my laptop. Hopefully, ALL of the data on it can be recovered by some geek. Will probably run me about $300 to even attempt and recover some. Unemployment isn't fun.
4. Vaultz- Still by my bedside, still doing it's job.
5. IRiver- Need batteries and a CD so I can update some of the music but mostly good.
6. Cellphone- Updated to BlackBerry. Good look.
7. Dogtag- Still pressed against my flesh. Want to get a duo of new ones one day soon.
8. Digital Camera- Acting hinky. Will be using my BB until I figure out " what up with that " or can get a new one.
9. Wallet- Right here in my pocket but filled with a library card, a weird license, cards that don't work and zero cash. Yeah. I'm a catch. Ladies?
10. Bookbag- Still have it. Still carrying my books and shite.

With all the missing or broken things, I wonder how this may be seen on a commentary on my current life condition. Hmmmm.....

Just Some Rules.....

2009-12-13T12:18:00.000-08:00

Because we all need rules. Even Lillian.

-Think hard before you wear skinny or boot cut jeans. Seriously. Contemplate it. Is that look going to work for you? Yeah. Didn't think so. Take off that tight ass shirt, too.

-The Golden Rule. It's real and the basis for most other rules. Pretty much if you follow that then you are 95% in the clear.

-Mohawks. Only four kinds of people are able to rock this kind of haircut- little kids, punk rockers, Native Americans and Mr. T. Everyone else, CUT THAT SHIT OUT! I don't care if your friends think your "faux-hawk" is cool. You look like a douche AND a Night Elf Mohawk.

-Don't talk shit. Look carefully at that guy whose mother you are about to insult. Outweighs you by about 30 pounds, right? Do you really wanna do this? No, you don't.
Listen, everyone believes they are tough and I get that. Sometimes you have to check to see where you are at on the toughness scale. Most of the times, though, you know when you are fighting in the wrong weight class. Walk away.
Also, ladies in the bar- stop it. Stop talking shit to dudes. I wouldn't talk shit to a 7 ft tall MMA fighter. I know the consequences. You think that there are no consequences and that is the issue. There MIGHT not be a dude that lays hands on you but no one respects the craziness for any reason.

-Don't let anybody eat your cornbread. On the other hand, sometimes you are put into situations where you have not instigated the scenario. You can walk away most of the time but never give up yourself in the moment. Be the bigger person whenever you can. But don't back down without standing up for yourself a bit.

-Silence is golden. Sometimes speaking up is ABSOLUTELY necessary. Most of the time, the better option is keeping it shut.

-Women- Don't ask if you look fat or if an outfit makes you look fat. Stop it. You know the answer.

-Men- Don't ask how many guys your girl has been with. There is no correct answer. Get over it. She is with you now.

-If you want to be single, BE SINGLE. Don't be greedy, don't cheat, don't lie and don't lead people on.

-Take care of your kids. That means more than just giving them money (but do that too). Keep them out of trouble as much as you can and support them emotionally.

-The Twilight book series isn't good. Not a rule; I'm just sayin'.

-If you are over 25, stop fighting, particularly in public. We use grown-up things like words nowadays. Of course, this changes with liquor in your situation but still, try and chill out.

-Have a way out.

-Muffin tops- ehh, not cute and only good in this, this or this context, with Ghostface. Wear clothes that fit.

-You can be friends with your exes. It just takes time and some effort if you want to. Sometimes it's worth it; sometimes it's not. The general rule, which varies depending on how deep your relationship was emotionally, it that it takes at least half the time you were going out to get over that person.

-Men and women are different- DEAL WITH IT. Testosterone is a drug that men are trying to suppress. That's why we are quiet most of the time- we are in our heads trying to talk ourselves out of doing the dumb shite. Testosterone makes you dumb. Estrogen is also a drug and has (mostly) the opposite effect of testosterone. It makes you very empathetic....and crazy.

-Get a friend of the opposite sex. Magazines like Cosmo and Maxim are dumb because they don't really ask people of the opposite gender how they feel. You'll never understand men or women if you just stay in your circle and won't get any valuable advice.

-Stop ending all online statements with LOL. Especially grown ass men. Stop it.

Let's do it again....

2009-11-23T00:49:00.000-08:00

Posted this last year. Still pretty much true....

Never really want anything for my birthday , except liks and a drama-free night, and generally live a very spartan lifestyle but feel free to get me anything, like something off the list below. if not, no worries, I'll get it myself one day soon....

- artwork by James Jean- the dude is awesome really awesome. plus, I figure I'm kinda a grown-up so I should have art of some kind. his Taciturn series is great.

- BSG Posters- pretty cheap and I'm a HUGE BSG nerd. Plus, it's just a classic look. January 16, 2009- I'm just counting down the days. or this. or this. or even this or this. told u I'm a nerd about it.

- luchadore skully- CANNOT even find this anywhere but I want it because it rocks. hell. if you can find it, just send me the link and I'll get it myself.

- half the stuff on this page. if I could, I would wear just t-shirts, hoodies, jeans, sweats and cargo pants. that's one of my life goals- to dress as comfortable as possible.

and yeah, that's about it. Told you I'm simple. I'll take anything though and just appreciate it because it came from the heart. Thanx and feel free to ignore this. Or pay my rent. I mean feel free to do what you want to do. It's cool with me.

BTW- Christmas is coming too. Just saying.

Sparkly Vampires and Ethnic Werewolves

2009-11-22T22:46:00.000-08:00

RANTRANTRANTRANTRANTRANT

Stephenie Meyer writes the dreams of teenage girls and that speaks to grown women. Just ask my female friends. It is because we are all still 14 at heart. We are all pretty much still that scared. embarrassed, awkward person we were in junior high school or high school until we become fearless. Most of us aren't or don't achieve that which is why these books/movies are a hit

I don't think she is alone in this. A lot of things capitolize on this thinking. Rom coms do it (and I love em) but everyone knows it's bs and it's not as stalkerish or weird as the weird teen fiction that is pushed by this.

I just think that what teenage girls like isnt healthy. That's why they have entire talk shows devoted to their poor decision making.

END TRANSMISSION...

Childhood Death

2009-10-14T09:01:00.000-07:00

2009- The Year My Childhood Died

Did I go to a parallel universe....

2009-09-18T16:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think that I was in an accident or something and my brain was somehow affected negatively. My close friends and some of my family at the time were informed of it.

I think that must be the reason people sometimes treat me like I can't do something or act like I'm an idiot about certain things. The problem is when I play into it.

Gotta address that.

Just Good Advice

2009-08-21T14:40:00.000-07:00

Whether it's the cops, government officials, women, dudes with guns, heed my advice....

SHUT THE FRAK UP!

It's your right. Exercise it.

John Hughes and The Loners

2009-08-07T19:13:00.000-07:00

The Loners, a Marvel comic book series by C.B. Cebulski and drawn by Karl Moline, had covers by artist Jason Pearson. They were all homages to John Hughes movies. Check the rest out below.

RIP, Mr. Hughes. Thank you for starting me back down the writing road again and making one of my favorite movies- Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Poor Today

2009-04-22T13:35:00.000-07:00

I was going to post something about being poor and unemployed but I think I'll wait until I have a little more time.
(Yeah, I know-"You aren't working. What do you mean more time?" SHADDUP, YOU!!!)

In the meantime, I ran across this blog post on a particular interesting site and thought it said a lot of the things I wanted to say (particularly paragraphs 2 and 5) and had his own twist.

Enjoy.

http://pacingthepanicroom.blogspot.com/2009/03/we-are-officially-poor.html

Fraudulent Work

2009-03-11T11:46:00.000-07:00

Looking back and realized my last 3 or so posts have been about things that piss me off. I do recognize that this site out of all my other sites is a little bitter but I do like to inject a little levity into it from time to time. With that in mind I stole this little post that I was going to use for my non-drinking site. Enjoy yo'self....

8 FAKE JOBS I'M GONNA SAY I HAVE AT PARTIES-

I go out (or used to got out) to a fairly decent, and at one point some would say indecent, amount of parties. As you past into the age of majority, parties and meeting new people become pretty much routine. You walk up to someone who appears attractive/interesting/easy/desperate for attention and strike up a conversation. With very few remarkable cases, the topics of conversation are pretty much always the same-

-"How long have you known such-and-such?"
-"Where are you from?"
-"Is that a good program for me/my preschooler/my drug addict uncle?"
-"Man, this weather is crazy, right?"

There is slight variation but the one question that ALWAYS comes up is
"What do you do for a living?"

I HATE this question.
For a few reasons this question annoys me, the chief being that unless that person is self-employed or has dedicated their life to their career it doesn't really tell you anything about the individual. I'm more interested in what you do for fun. I mean you can tell me you're a heart surgeon but I'd probably be more willing to engage in a conversation with you if I knew your hobby on Saturday afternoons was engaging in large-scale LARP (ask a nerd) in a local public park. I mean that shit is CONVO GOLD, son.

Meet your surgical staff. Hey, Dr. Tumnus and Nurse...Snake-Eyes.

I also hate this question because of the reaction I get when I tell people what I do. I like tutoring/teaching and have enjoyed doing it for the past few years. I also like writing and hope to do that for my life but when you tell people this stuff you get either a nice nod, a statement about either the education in this country sucks or it is a "spiritually rewarding job" (which it is but that's really a nice way to say "Hey, how's that Ramen taste, chief?" *) or they ask you how you can do it. Bastards.

To combat this potential lull in the conversation I sometimes encounter I have come up with 8 Fake Jobs that I'll tell people I do. (And I mean fake as in I don't do them.** Obviously, some of these jobs exist. The others...should)

HARPOON SALESMAN-
A noble profession, a harpoon salesman allows one to talk in a raspy voice and curse a lot. If you are selling harpoons to sailors you are familiar with that element and should be a salty sea-dog as well. ARRGGGHHH! It's like being a pirate with full dental in my mind.

This fake job affords you the opportunity to make up fanciful stories about giant fish and kraken and "bringing down the great beast." Plus, you can use it if you had eye surgery and are required to wear an eye-patch. Everyone always says pirate with an eye-patch. You are unique and say harpoon salesman is the way you making your drinking money.

Note- Do not use if you are a dude trying to pick up a hot vegan/animal rights advocate. Will blow up in your face against the power of Greenpeace.

CHOCOLATIER-
I stole this one from my boy Sung. It's genius. I mean, who doesn't love chocolate? (What? You don't? Weirdo...)

I imagine that you can invent stories of how hard it is to get fruit and nuts into those small bars or you can lead a group discussion on the merits of caramel versus peanut butter. Maybe you can discuss the history of nougat.
You don't know about nougat?

FUCK IT.
Who is gonna call you out on it? Who does know about nougat?

I mean, besides THESE guys.

WISHING WELL DESIGNER-
You are the crafter of dreams and the maker of magic. You create little portals to wishing that, hopefully, no little kids will fall down. That would be sad.

Wishing wells are a well-known (excuse the pun) aphrodisiac. No really. Test it out. Try telling someone you are an artisan that crafts the receptacle of dreams and NOT be making out with that person in the span of eight minutes.

Just look at that gods-damn thing. Magnificent.

Go on. Try it. I dare you. I'll wait...

See? Told ya, son.

FYI- Just make sure you tell them that no little girl was dumped in there to later haunt people with a death tape. It's a mood killer, like Herpes meds in the medicine cabinet.

AWKWARD.

PIE COURIER- Just like chocolate above, who doesn't like pie? (What? That's it. You have to go, buster)

Everyone likes pie. You might not like all of it but I'm sure there is a type for you out there in the world. They come in such a varied assortment.

Apple. Rhubarb. Cherry. Chocolate. Whipped cream for clowns. Even mince-meat for you sick freaks out there.

With being a pie courier, you have the double hit of being able to talk about delicious dessert and all the weird people you encounter on your routes. Or you can invent pie emergencies, like that one time that famous celebrity party almost died until you came and saved the day with the Blueberry Special No. 7.

What I imagine a pie courier to look like. Delivering to Niggars.

KNIFE THROWER- The best job in the circus after anything acrobatic and being a lion tamer. So you are probably saying to yourself "Self, why would Sean recommend I use this fake job instead of the superior two?"

Number one, stop referring to yourself in the third person. It's annoying. Only Sean can do that.

Number two, it's simple. If you are an acrobat, people expect you to be fit and pliable. You can be a FAT knife thrower. If you are a lion tamer, you have to be brave/crazy. You can be a TIMID knife thrower. I mean you are throwing knives AT someone, not vice-versa)

Although I suppose one could be a CRAZY knife thrower if you want to work that angle.

Relax. And, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T MOVE!

As a knife thrower, you are free to make up tales of near misses, traveling a lot, being away from family(sympathy angle) and all the interesting people you meet/work with.
Plus, if someone asks you to throw a knife just say you pulled something and you can't. Who is really gonna argue with a guy that can accurately throw knives at folks?

SANDWICH ARTIST- Yes, I mean that kind of sandwich artist. A SUBWAY Sandwich Artist. You might not think this is a wise choice but I think it is awesome if you follow one highly simple rule-

Play this role as if you were a HIGHLY SERIOUS Sandwich Artist.

There should be no hesitation, no fear and definitely no shame.

Commit to the lie and take pride in your work and it's artistic merit.

You are employed and make an honest living. We are living in a recession and you have a job.

This lie works best in the most highly sophisticated of wine and cheese affairs. To have the balls to attend one of the cotillions and then say you work at a minimum wage job shows you have no fear. An are probably a tiger in the sack or at the very least someone to know.

On top of that you are a DAMN ARTISTE. (Make sure you pronounce it AR-TEEST)

Fuck Quizno's. I make ART, dammit!

Compare yourself to Van Gogh and DaVinci. Just do it. Only haters would DARE say something.
Run with the beautiful lie, you BLT Rembrandt.

UNDERWATER WELDER- I picked this for one reason above all- NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT THIS JOB.

I mean you THINK you know but unless you are in this field, you don't.

Underwater welding, besides being lucrative($60-80 per hr, I believe), is a perfect career to invent fake stories about. All you need to do is take the lies you told with being a Harpoon Salesman, add a dash of anything you saw on an episode of Deadliest Catch, some stuff you saw the guys at SeaWorld do and a pinch of using power tools and TA-DAH! you are officially an underwater welder.

Plus, any and I do mean ANY scars you have can be attributed to your job. You are like a cowboy-mechanic-Aquaman combo.

PORN STUNTMAN- WARNING! This should only be used in the most liberal of situation and/or by only the boldest of liars. If used in the wrong venue, incorrectly or not fully committed to, it will blow up horribly in your face.

The plus side about this fake career is that even if it falls apart on you, you can turn it into a joke and either referencing your real boring ass job or one of the other 7 above.

When you use this lie, don't make a lie about "tagging out" with a porn star to body double during sexual acts.
One, nobody believes that.
Two, who wants to be the stand-in girl during the fellatio scene?

Instead, lie and say you are the stuntman on a regular stunt-type action scene. Like you worked on a porn with a random car chase and you were the limo stunt-driver while the girls were "having fun" in the backseat. Or you were the stand-in for the pizza boy when his bike somersaulted over that truck in front of the lonely MILF's house. We are going for some semi-believability here, people.

Or fuck it, say YOU ARE A STUNT DOUBLE DURING THE SEX SCENE.

I got this T.O. ***

Just make sure that any fictional career you choose that you follow these simple rules-

-Commit fully.
-Stay in character.
-Invent interesting situations.
-Be earnest.
-And when the story ultimately falls apart (oh, and it will), SMILE and make sure the other person enjoyed their time they spent with you.

Because, at the end of the night, life and parties are about having a good time.
Cheers.

*- Delicious, by the way.

**- There are, of course, jobs like ninja, cowboy, lumberjack and space pirate but I wanted something a little more outside the norm.

***- Saw him on Bangbus once so it COULD happen.

Idiom Series 'Leven

2009-03-11T11:24:00.000-07:00

Eleven. That's all I got for the number 11. (He's one of my DJ homeboys- he's cool as a polar bear's toenails)

"I know for a fact...."

Very rarely when this is stated does the person saying it ACTUALLY knows something for a fact. Most of the time it's said to win an argument and the person only has, at best, a strong hunch about something.

Eight times out of ten, the information they are referring to has been gleaned from some great source like something a distant cousin mentioned while drunk, a television show that has been off the air for a few years, that one thing they saw that one time on the Discovery Channel or that movie they caught on TNT last night. Or maybe they got it from Wikipedia, that fount of accurate internet knowledge.

Sean likes this site better. [citation needed]

If you find yourself with this gem on the tip of your tongue, STOP!
You are either in a stupid argument, arguing with an asshat who doesn't believe you anyway and/or you are the asshat losing an argument, struggling to save yourself from losing by trying to grasp the little bit of knowledge on a subject that you think you have.

Trust me. Stop it. You don't.

I know it for a fact you don't.

Idiom Series Diez

2009-02-19T11:35:00.000-08:00

Ten Lords a-leaping? Huh? When has that ever happened? Whatever....

"It's not you, it's me."

To be fair, sometimes the person actually means it when they say this. I'll say two times out of ten this is said with truth in the statement. (The number rises significantly when they you in question is ME but I digress)

Most of the time...guess what? It is YOU.
You did something that the other person couldn't deal with. I mean we are all screwed up to a point. Some people are worse than the norm though. This little gem of a statement is reserved for them.

Let's say that you are trapped in a cage with a wild animal who can snap at any moment. The only way out for you is to appease them and slowly back out of that cage. So you speak gently and walk back to the doorway while you keep a steady eye on the beast.

This is the same method you employ with the crazy person you are trying to leave because, just like a wild animal, they won't be reasoned with and won't change their nature because you try and show it to them. The best and only response is to say that statement, get your shit and bounce.

The problem I have with this statement is the ubiquity of it. People use this line so much that is a cliche and means nothing at this point. On top of that, most people can and need a little constructive criticism when their relationship is being dissolved. You don't just do this to make yourself feel better (read-feel superior) but you do this to help that person learn not to make those same mistakes in their future relationships.

I just re-read Things I've Learned from Women Who Dumped Me and, although a funny book written by comedians, the wisdom that these men gained from failed relationships is invaluable. It is indeed true that you can learn from the mistakes of others and this book is like a guidebook of how not to do stupid little things or how not to deal with women who will just use you with no hope for a future. I suggest both sexes check it out.

So, yeah, sometimes it is your fault and you should admit it.

And, yeah, sometimes you are dealing with someone who is so screwed up that you can't help him/her so say it to escape relatively unscathed.

But most of the time it's a joint failing and you should take responsibility for your own errors but don't let that other person off the hook. It doesn't help you and it definitely doesn't help the other person if you lie to them. Honesty is one of the pillars of a good relationship and a good break-up.

Because you know what? It is YOU. Cowboy up and change.

Idiom Series IX

2009-02-18T11:14:00.000-08:00

Jordan, Wade and The Natural rocked it so it's a good number. Then again so did the Nazgul...

"You're a....Think of something."

I hate this statement because it can come at you from two negative fronts.
Situation 1) Let's say you are a repairmen and you fix pipes. You don't necessarily want to be a pipe-fixer but situations outside of your control made you one/you are using pipe-fixing to pay your bills/pipe-fixing is a family tradition you must uphold/pipe-fixing is just there until you achieve your dream....whatever. The point is you don't want to be Mario but you are.

"I'm sicka alla da pipes, jabroni!"

So you don't like your job. To deal with not liking your job, you go hang out with some folks at, let's say, a party. During the cost of the evening, something happens with the toilet. This is sort of but not entirely in your area of expertise from work. Someone knows you are a pipe-fixer.

Random Douche- Hey, man. You're a pipe-fixer. Think of something.

What?

I hate my job as a piper-fixer. I came here to get away from pipes. Nintendo lied to us. There are no princesses in sewers nor giant fighting turtles with atrocious language skills. There are no pipes to even be fixed in this situation. Why are you making me do something I hate? Bastard.

Situation 2) Maybe you LOVE what you do. Maybe you are a world-class or aiming to be a world-class illustrator. You hone your craft to create elaborate pieces and enjoy the intense labor and the reward of working hard to make awesome images. It's not a hobby for you- it's your life passion.

"I'm about to paint some ill shit, bitches."

So there you are, a painter. Chilling. Enjoying a day at the park. Minding yours. A friend comes by and sits next to you about nothing like friends do. Suddenly, in the middle of the conversation....

Friend- Man, I've been trying to come up with this icon for this shitty thing/something that doesn't really matter. Could you sketch out a picture of a dog or something. I mean you are a painter. Think of something.

Excuse me.

Listen, you'll probably sketch something out for the person or fix the toilet because those are people you care about but it doesn't make the situation any cooler.
For one, they are asking you to actively engage in something you can do and are proficient in but don't necessarily like or want to do at the moment. I mean, you wouldn't ask a porn star on the street to randomly starting boning you...

Okay. Maybe that's a bad example.

But you wouldn't just randomly go up to an actor or comedian and be like "Perform a scene" or "Make me laugh, you clown." Unless you are a dick.
Are you a DICK?

Secondly, just because I CAN do something doesn't mean I WANT to do it every second of the day. Everyone needs a break, even from the things they love. Why do you think we have babysitters? It's not that people don't love their kids but sometimes you need a break from them to get your head straight. And not choke 'em.

Sometimes literally.

Lastly, especially in the example of the painter, it's sometimes insulting to have a person perform a generic task that tangentially relates to what they are doing. How would you feel if you were Shakespeare and someone asked you out of the blue to come up with a catchy jingle? Sure, you could probably do it but why are you being asked to be demeaned for your talent?

And it's not just creative professions either. You don't find out someone is a heart surgeon at a party and ask them to look at something on your foot, right?

It's okay to do this once in a while with your friends but don't make it a habit. Think before you ask someone to "Think of something." Put yourself in their position and see how it feels for a second.

You're a human being. Think of something.

V- Day Advice

2009-02-13T19:17:00.000-08:00

Don't do this. Seriously.
(I do #2 like an arse sometimes)

Happy V-Day to all the ladies in the world!

No More Runners

2009-02-10T10:45:00.000-08:00

(writing this post I realized it could go on my other blog but due to the seriousness and broadness of it I put it here)

When I was discussing my plans to be sober for the Year of Our Lord 2009 with my friends, I had a few nay-sayers and a few folks who were behind me. What I found most amusing was the most valid advice is what I got from my friend, well, we’ll just call him The Angry Speakin’ Rican.

Anyway, I told T.A.S.R. what I was up to and he gave me a little wisdom because he also gave up the drink as well. He suggested that I find another outlet for release because he said that he often drank the most when he was in a disagreement with his loved ones, particularly his girl. He has other distractions to take his time up and suggested I do the same.

Me, being the stubborn jackass that I am, took his advice and filed it under Stuff That Works for Others But That I Don’t Necessarily Need. I mean I drank just because and I pretty much only drank when I was happy.

Yeah. Good times.

Obviously, I was lying to myself.

True, I mostly got bent because I was gonna have a good time and it made me looser and willing to say whatever I wanted to say. They say liquor gives you imaginary muscle but it also grants you the ability to think you are smoother than you really are. When I’m drinking, I’m cocky and believe I’m Don Juan. I never necessarily planned on doing anything (at least not recently at all) with anyone while drunk but it would give me an excuse the next day for a poor decision in deciding to hook up.

So, I didn’t really take what he said into account. I mean, people always piss me off and I shake it off or at least give that appearance and I don’t really/kinda sorta have a girl to make me upset so I had clear sailing. I could beat this thing cold turkey with a blindfold on while skiing downhill on one leg.

Besides, while I didn’t have the outlets he had, I had made a promise to myself to do one good thing or have one good moment of feeling great every day no matter how shitty things were.

I had this sober and getting right thing licked.

WRONG.

I’ve been dealing with some shite that I’ve only hinted at with some folks and kept the rest to myself. (Read past posts for why) Anyway, on Monday, I talked to a friend who is more than a friend and …it’s confusing. Whatever. Let’s just say this person called me out on some shit and, although it was true, the manner in which she said it made me feel like crap. I realized it wasn’t what she said but how and who said it. Someone I worked with could say the same thing and probably in the same way and I would forget about being hurt about it in like an hour tops.

Fours hours after she said it I’m still thinking about it and how she said it without any mercy. First, I was angry at her that she said it but quelled that quickly because I didn’t feel like arguing and ruining my good feeling/thing of the day, which I did for her and my mother. Then, I was pissed at myself (and still am) for the validity of what was said. Then, I got pissed at her again after thinking about it and I’m still a little ticked off but I swallowed most of it again like I used to. I always swallow people irritating me because there is usually a bigger problem to deal with anyway. I had a few thoughts at that moment but the one that slipped in that shocked me was this one.

“Damn. I wish I had a drink or three right now.”

I knew I wasn’t going to go and get lit but the fact that that was what was floating around in my head told me I wasn’t going to have an easy time of this. I didn’t have a plan like “I want to get some drinks and watch a game” or “I want to get a drink and go dance.” No, what I wanted was a drink and someone to complain to and make me forget for a few hours.

For all I joke and BS, it was very real in that moment. I also knew T.A.S.R. was right- when those you love or want to be better for get into your head; you look for something to deal with it and/or push them out. Whether that thing is negative or positive is ultimately up to you. I decided it was going to be positive.

I reaffirmed myself that when I wasn’t working, looking for more work or looking for housing then I was writing or working out. I had to get into proper habits because I was asked if I feared failure like I was once asked before and I knew the answer was Yes. Although I was afraid to say it and admit the truth in that moment, I thought about it and yes, I am and if you say you aren’t, then you are lying to yourself.

No one likes to fail. I HAVE failed before. I have lost it and I have been beaten. It’s not a good feeling and for all that crap you hear about learning from your mistakes, I firmly believe that if anyone had the option then they would choose to learn without slipping. I know I would. This is also one of the reasons that no matter how bad things are right now and the standing invitation from my mother I WILL NOT be going back home. It might be foolish pride talking but I need to do this on my own (somewhat) for at least six more months.

So, I have vowed to do what I want to do for my future, which includes improving myself and doing what is good for me and not what anyone else thinks is good for me. I’m the only one who knows the way and I appreciate the advice but I have to find my own path. If that is cool and you can go with me, then that’s awesome. If not, oh well. I’ve been left before. I’ll always have a seat waiting for you if you are good enough.

It’s up to you but I know what I have to do.

Idiom Series Ocho

2009-02-05T11:51:00.000-08:00

Sometimes eight is not enough.

“Do you know what time it is?” (and all variations of this)

Now you may think this term is innocuous. The way it is written it is. Reading it on this page you just think it may be someone just asking what time it is. No, the way in which this is an annoying statement is in the way it is presented.
For example.....

You show up late somewhere due to forces outside of your control

You- "Hey. I..."

Other- "Do you know what time it is?"

My problem isn't even so much that the person is slightly upset that you are late. Ignoring punctuality is a huge pet peeve, if you know me.
The problem is the cocksure nature of the person who asks you this question. OBVIOUSLY you know what time it is. Does that person having you repeat the time make them feel better or in some way superior? Is that what is going on? Does reducing you to a child make their annoyance that much easier to swallow?

Other variations of this include-

- "Hey, do you know what time you were supposed to be here?"
If I'm late, then that means I didn't know what time I was supposed to be there. Or I couldn't make it and something kept me from contacting you. 9 times out of 10 it's the former. So, please, I don't need the sass. I can read a watch. There was apparently some sort of miscommunication and you think I'm 8 years old.

- "Does that make you feel good...?"
Well, there are 2 ways to answer this.

Yes, I do. I'm feeling like an asshole right now and this makes me feel good.
No, I don't. I messed up and I'm sorry.

The point is you already know the answer to that question so why ask? Is it going to change the fact that you are most likely pissed off?
No?
That's what I thought.

- "So, were you going...?"
Listen, I was either going to tell you about it or I wasn't. More than likely I was when the time was right. Do not make me feel like a dick for trying to protect your feelings about your girlfriend cheating on you, me leaving or any other thing that might potentially ruin your day. Sorry for trying to be nice.

- "Did you get that e-mail/note/report/package?"
No. I didn't. Good-bye.

Tough Times Make Tough People

2009-02-04T12:04:00.000-08:00

This post is about my life and Battlestar Galactica.

Trust me. Just go with it.

Last night, I think I was maybe the loneliest I have ever been in my life.

I don’t mean alone. I’ve been alone before. Hell, I’m alone most of the time nowadays. Alone means generally that I’ve been by myself somewhere but still knew in the back of my head that there was someone I could count on at that exact moment to talk to if necessary.
Not that I would ever do so if I had a problem. Foolish pride and obstinacy prevented me from doing that. I’ve gotten better on that front but there is still room for improvement. It’s a constant battle to not slip back into that old mode.

I have also been lonely before. I went to college with a good chunk of people I knew in some capacity from high school. I also knew a few upperclassmen going into Vassar and met a group of great people while there that are still my friends.
Still, during that last half of my freshman year I found myself often sitting on a hill by myself or in the chapel (strange because I’m not really religious at all) just thinking and trying to find something to make things make sense to me without having to go to someone for help. It wasn’t smart but I was 18 and dumb.
Don’t judge. So were you.

Anyway, for about five minutes last night, as I sat in a Taco Bell in a corner table (something else I have been doing more- observing all with my back against a wall) with a couple on the other side of the restaurant and the workers in the back horsing around I truly felt lonely. My phone was silent. No tweets. No texts. Just me and my thoughts and thinking about my current predicaments. Thinking that this was all up to me at that point to direct which way my life goes and I shouldn’t look to others to get me out of jams I’m in. You always know that truth in the back of your head but to have it crystallized...

The moment passed but it was scary. And before anyone even says anything, I know. I know. I have folks that’ll look out for me and I can probably call if I really need the assistance.
The thing I’m realizing as I get older is that everyone has their own shite to deal with and you can’t depend on others unless it is a true emergency. It’s not that they don’t want to help you. My family (some) and my friends (mostly) would break their necks to help me out but I don’t or at least I try not to for a few reasons. Number one goes back to my stubborn nature with asking for help. I CAN usually figure out a solution for a problem by myself if left alone. The second reason is that I realize they have their own issues to deal with- whether good or bad- that I don’t want to pile on it with my stuff. Lastly, and this one relates a GREAT DEAL to my mother, they might deny it but they won’t necessarily ask for help either. Some do and I respect them so much for that but we all have this level of pride to be successful on our own in some way. I don’t mean that they can’t work with others but if the success is part of a team effort then they put a lot in to be proud of. If they didn’t, we probably wouldn’t be friends.

Okay, so now you are asking how does this relate to Battlestar Galactica?

(SPOILER ALERT)

Simple. This last half of the final season finds humanity at the brink of extinction. They found Earth and it’s a nuclear wasteland. Depression has run rampant through the fleet and suicide and people not caring is up. On top of all that, the proposed solution to at least extend their survival is meant with mistrust from past prejudices that, although valid on one level, means nothing in the greater scheme of continuing life for both Cylon and man.

Do you know why I watch this show? Not just for Sackhoff and her crazy behavior or because I never know what's going to happen next. I mean, I watch it for that too but, the main reason I tune is the relationship the show has to the current state of affairs the world is generally in and the state of maelstrom affairs I sometimes feel I live in.

They veil it and don't necessarily hit you over the head with the issues (most of the time) but you can easily tell that the writers are making commentaries on our involvement in Iraq, how we treat prisoners, the steps we taking in guaranteeing and taking freedoms in times of war and peace and dealing with a bleak civilization for the entire human populace, i.e. the crumbling of our financial markets.

What I like about what BSG does with these issues is that it takes us on a personal journey that these characters having with coping or not with something not firmly in their control. I think it mirrors each of our own ways of dealing with crisis and can be broken down into five categories that sometimes overlap and have their own little subsets but I think are pretty spot on.

Dualla- The Surrendered There are people who can't deal with the stress of harsh reality. They might appear at ease outwardly but they are secretly falling apart inside. The world is bleak and unforgiving and they get to the point where they think there is no point in going on any longer. Who they were before is long gone.

Dee was a perfect example of this. She went to her job and even had a nice date with her ex-husband who she still loves. She gave him good advice and walked away with a smile on her face.

Then she pulled the trigger.

Some people aren't made to last when things get tough and the way out seems extremely far away. They live in the present and this stops them from seeing hope in the future.

Lee- The Rebuilder There are those individuals who have faith in the system. They believe that no matter how bad it gets that there is always a solution to make it better. There is nothing that can't be rebuilt into a better form. They don't want to destroy it or start over. They want to work within the system to make it work for everyone.

Lee Adama wants to make the government work in the best interest of the people. He took his position to represent not just his constituents but to make the best choices for the fleet. He stepped in as President of the Colonies because it was necessary to move forward. He allied with the Cylons to move everyone forward.

These people may not know what is around the corner but they have hope that if they work hard enough and make the necessary moves that everyone can get to that better place together.

Tyrol- The Gatherer Most people need others to make it work on some level in their lives. Some people need alliances to get through the turbulent times. They search and find friends to deal with everything. The allies can be new or old friends. Either way they reaffirm or create new bonds with these people to get them through.

Tyrol is trying to find meaning in his life. His true nature has been revealed and he is trying to figure out what that means in the face of immense loss, both personal and general. He knows who he was and is learning a bit about a new part of himself. He is trying to reevaluate his role in the grand scheme of things and forge new bonds with both his "people."

He doesn't know what the future holds for him or the rest of the universe but he is determine to work to getting there. He is concerned about today only in the way it can affect tomorrow.

Gaeta- The Romantic Some people can't deal with change, especially negative change. These people desire a return back to the old ways. They become nostalgic for the past and, often, think it was better than it really was. They trick their mind into this false grand reality of the past to get them through the day. Or they create a particular future in their head with only those they deem worthy alive in it. These people can become very dangerous because they will go to any extreme to make their vision a reality.

Felix is a broken man. He lost his leg and almost lost his life. Both of these were due to the influence of Cylons. He tried to do right on New Caprica and people still died. His faith in the leaders of the fleet has been shaken and he see only one option for the future- no Cylons.

He is willing to ally himself with former traitors, commit crimes and do whatever is necessary to get to this promised land in his mind. He will go on the path to this future and will lose those he loves to get there.

Starbuck- The Phoenix There are those of us who are screw-ups. These folks live life to excess and usually burn brightest and burn out fastest because they go at everything full-steam ahead. They normally don't think and just act. This is dangerous during normal times because they end up hurting themselves and others around them, whether emotionally or physically. These people only perform at their best when they are focused on a problem and times look the most bleak. You can count on them to save the day and slay the monster because they happen to have a monster in them. They might not belong on the shiny world of the future but they are necessary to get to that world because they are willing to do what is needed and play the anti-hero.

Kara doesn't know who she is. She died and came back and led the fleet to Earth. They found Earth and it was an irradiated wasteland and Kara found something there she couldn't explain. She went back to her old destructive ways and closed herself off like before.

Then the fleet began to fight against itself. She didn't hesitate. She armed herself and went hunting. She was going to save the other souls fighting for the future even if she isn't meant to enjoy it and anything that got in her way would be cut down. The world is becoming black and white for her, like it often does for those that rush forward. It doesn't matter what is happening here- what is important is the end result.

I think I'm still like Lee but definitely see myself going towards Kara's path, although I want to be like the chief.

How about you?

Superbowl Sunday

2009-02-01T15:00:00.000-08:00

Sober.

Broke. Like really broke.

Not drinking or even going to the pub to enjoy some nachos or curry chicken. (see above)

Probably not going to even watch the game. Not interested in either team. (Pittsburgh is winning)

Trying to write. Mildly successful but not in the way I want to be. This Russian dude videoconferencing loudly next to me ain't helping though.

Sigh.

Hmmm....

2009-01-27T12:33:00.000-08:00

I've been looking at my blog (s), and besides the obvious changes I need to make and the things I need to buy just for living, I think I might need to invest in a camera and maybe some Photoshop.

Gotta think on this some more.

I Hate Bluetooth Headsets

2009-01-24T15:26:00.000-08:00

(okay, so the title doesn't relate to the post AT ALL, I'm just saying....)

DOOOO-OOOOH-YOOUUUUCHHHEEBBBAAAGGGGG!!!!

Anyways....

So I'm trying to get things back on track in my life. If you have read my blog for any length of time you would know that I'm spending a lot of time doing introspective work on my life. I still have work to do in that category but I'm also trying to work with practical solutions as well.

One of those is giving up the liquor. (For more on my progress on that, go HERE.

That is....proceeding. I guess that's all I can say on that but I have high hopes that it will save what little liver I have left, keep me out of too much trouble, stop blackout moments and save a little scratch.

The last reason is very important to me since I need money. Work hasn't been too great at providing hours, which is expected at the beginning of the year and is being resolved as we speak but money would help in a lot of ways with other parts of my life. Not going to get into all the details now but I have to get another job and get my writing more up to snuff. Cannot live this way for too much longer.

I have faith that everything will be resolved or on their way to a resolution by March. Until then, this is how I feel.

Venom= Current Issues; Eric Foreman= Me

I'll be cool. But, damn, a cold beer would be SO nice right about now.

The Traveler

2009-01-04T10:19:00.000-08:00

I'm dedicated to this year being a WHOLE lot better than last year, which shouldn't be so hard to accomplish considering the general craptastic moments I had. I also am a realist and know that this goal of a good 2009 and further won't be accomplished over night. I still have a lot of work to do and I also have some stuff left over from last year to still deal with. Realistically, I won't see a substantial upswing until maybe April.

That being said, I have had a pretty meh first couple of days of 2009. New Year's Eve was okay even if low-key and sober but the last two or three days have been pretty piss poor. Getting stopped by the cops again, account and money issues, hours being loss at work, silly and not so silly arguments and being in a general funk have made this past weekend highly reminiscent of 2008. My roommate and my out-of-town pal offered to buy me a drink but I knew it would just make me more depressed and/or angry. I got so fed up with it last night I just went to sleep at around 8:30.

8:30. On a Saturday night. In Vegas. Yeah. Very wrong.

So, I wake up early to go to the library and do some writing and get my head clear. As always as this laptop takes a minute to come on and connect to the internet, I take a minute to stroll through the new fiction. Sometimes I'll find something I want or just something I wouldn't read but that turns out to be pretty good or at least a decent distraction. Today was no exception.

I picked up Traveler by Daren and Daniel Simkin. It had a nice basic cover and I was particularly interested because it was created by two brothers and I'm working on a story concerning two brothers. I was also recently thinking about trying to come up with something for me and my brother to work on because I fear we both might be treading water a little bit and might need a lil push.

Anyway, I open up the book and look at the pages and think this book is for kids. As I read it, I realize it could be for kids but it definitely contains a message for lost adults. Whether that's lost in love or being lost in your family or clueless with what you want to do, this book is for you. It's not a road map per se but it definitely makes you feel better about the choices or non-choices you have made. It sort of reminded me of Oh, The Places You'll Go! by Dr. Seuss, which is for kids but has more to say to young adults.

I don't want to give away much about the book because I think people should read it but I'll just say that the main character reminds me of myself, always searching for that perfect place and not living the life the way his friends do. They meet in the end and he is sad that he didn't do the things they did but they also want to hear how he did live his life differently than them.

This is particularly poignant for me on two levels.
First, I used to have a boss who told me that a man should look for something he is 75-85% happy with and be satisfied. Then, you can build on the rest. I think his point is that you can never find something that totally fulfills you but if you find enough things that do it most of the way the combination of them will make your life full. If we are always pursuing 100% happiness (which a lot of people do), we pass up the things with potential to get us to that place.
Secondly, I hang out with my friends when they visit here or when I go see them and I often find myself as the odd man out. They have taken pretty well-defined life paths and have a definite future that is pretty much set, either through good work or a passion that drives them. I always feel like the lost soul trying to get back on track. I was talking to my friend and he told me something that shocked me- he was at times a little happy for me because I just lived my life without boundaries and rules and just go with the wind. I told him I felt the same way about him and the others and I'm always scared that I screwed this thing called life up big time. But hearing that did make me feel marginally better and hopeful.

I guess we can't always see the positive aspects of our own lives and can appreciate those of others. The grass is always greener on the other side.

I still need to mow my lawn but it does make me feel better that someone sometimes peeks over my fence and thinks "Hey, you are living part of a life I want."

Yeah, I'm A Criminal

2008-12-26T12:57:00.000-08:00

“A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.”
-Howard Scott

I was having a conversation with one of my friends about the state of affairs in the economic world. Actually, I was having this conversation with a few of my friends about this issue but this friend was complaining about his shabby treatment at his job and the cutting of hours. I suggested he steal as much company supplies in response. I said it as a joke (mostly) but it made me think. Banks are failing, governments are shutting down, people are being laid off, we are giving huge bailouts to corporations and the empire of America is in a decline. With the economy in the shitter as it is the only types of work that don’t seem to be experiencing negative effects are either the collection/repo services or criminal activities.

Criminality is a constant growth industry, kids.

Now, I’m not one to advocate criminality for just any old reason and there are definite crimes that I don’t give a pass on for any reason- rape, abuse of children, genocide- but like I said this conversation had me thinking and looking at my own wallet and bank statements I thought what are the pluses and minuses of some criminal enterprises….

Thief-

This category is broad. Any number of acts can fall into it- from stealing candy from the supermarket (which is only KINDA stealing if you ask me) to bilking your investors out of their money in a corporation. For the sake of this blog I’m going to address the one areas of thievery that I would have little to no problem actually getting involved in if shite got any tighter. I would become a gentleman thief or I would hit banks or other places where they have large sums of money.
Why? Well, first off, it’s LARGE SUMS OF MONEY. Secondly, most of these places are insured and the loss wouldn’t affect as much as say me knocking over a convenience story or mugging someone. Lastly, there is something mildly attractive about being a debonair thief. Like a smooth cat burglar.
Plus, if movies and comics haven’t lied to me, hot chicks either also steal and/or like dudes that do.

See where I'm going with this?

Reality Check- Yeah, very rarely do you get successful grand heists anymore with the advent of better security and technology. When someone does knock over the bank (the Joker robbing a mob bank in Dark Knight not being real) they usually make out with maybe a few thousand before they have to beat feet to avoid cops, if they are lucky. If not, you may do up to 20 years in the pokey. Might as well just get a job in the bank or get a girlfriend and holdup mini-marts across the U.S.A. while driving around in a muscle car. I mean, that’s what I would do. Preferably with someone who looks like Michelle Rodriguez.

Just saying. If you gonna do something, might as well go all out.

Drug Dealer-

This category is VERY familiar to me. I have got a lot of inside knowledge on it. If you are going to be a drug dealer become a drug lord. Why? Simply because if you are on the lower rungs then selling drugs is like working a shitty minimum wage job without healthcare or dental. The only plus about that is that drugs sell themselves so you don’t necessarily have to be a charismatic person to move your product. You are up early, have to move a lot of work and are out whether rain, sleet or snow. Fiends need that fix so you have to be around to give it. Couple that with rival dealers and drug abusers not always being the most reliable revenue stream at times, you are looking at a McDonald’s job with extra shooting.
A drug lord on the other hand stays home when it’s snowing, usually has nice things and if he/she is smart has money, lawyers on retainer and a nice cover story to get him through life.
Also, Eva Mendes. I think.

All good, right?

Reality Check- WRONG! Your ass is going to either jail, a cemetery or Orlando, Florida- all equally shitty places if you ask me. (no offense, people in jail and dead people*) Low level hustlers get a couple of months or years depending on your judge and your crappy public defender. Higher level guys can get out of some charges but most get hit by RICO.Goodbye.
On top of that, there are, again, people trying to take your spot by any means necessary, including murder, getting high on your own supply, and the threat of Orlando.

*shudder*

As Mr. Garrison says “Drugs are bad, mmmkay?”

Hitman-

Or contract killer if you want to get fancy on me. I think, for me at least, that this is much better than the whole drug dealing thing but definitely not as cool as dashing thief. If it’s done right you can make it sexy though.
Hitman offers multiple paths to make money. You can be a mercenary, paid to do dirt for random folks. You can work for one person/organization, which is nice because I heard mob bosses give out AWESOME fruitbaskets around Christmas. You can do government black-ops, super-secret hush work and assassinate guys that are a threat to oil, uhhh, I mean FREEDOM. Yeah, freedom. That’s the ticket. If you are really good, you can bounce from one thing to the next without care.

Then there is the whole mysterious killer thing you got going for you, particularly in bars **-
Lady- “What do you do for a living?”
You- “If I told you, I would have to kill you.”
(Lady giggles and gives you a playful slap on your chest)
Lady- “Shut up. Seriously, what do you do?”
You- “I’m a professional assassin.”
Lady- “Really? That’s HOT. Take me right here, Sean.”
(Or at least that’s what I imagine how that would go down. I get “Ehh. That’s cool” when I tell people I teach- go figure)

Reality Check- Okay, let’s skip all of the nightmares you might get from snuffing out a life and just say for example that you are one of the select few people who have no qualms about killing. You have to deal with jail time if you get caught. Yeah, yeah, I know. I have heard all that bs about “You get the same sentence for 1 body as 10” but you know what? A life sentence is a life sentence and the death penalty, from what I hear, hurts.

On top of that you have to realize how murder is going to affect your interpersonal relationships. Sure, you’ll get a few crazy girls who will bang you but those are also the women who cut you in your sleep.
You can’t marry that.
A good wife will probably look pass the whole stealing the Hope diamond or selling a few bags of Mary-Jane to pay them college loans but very few will roll with mowing down people for dollars.
If she IS cool with that, then she is probably an assassin like you and you just might have to kill her someday. Just to prove who is a better crazy killer.

Good advice-Don't bring a meat cleaver to a gunfight, son.

Not to mention your mother. You know mom doesn’t like killing. Probably be better if you are a porn star. At least you can look her in the eye and say you were the featured performer in Big Black Dicks Like Little Asian Chicks 8.....
Well, maybe you can. Not me. I'll love the Asian ladies for free. Just to make more chicas like this one.

I'm a humanitarian that way, folks.

*Okay, I've never been to Orlando but imagine it must be a little like Hell to spawn boy bands. Like Boston used to do in the 1980s. Fuckin' Boston.
** Ladies, switch Lady to Dude and my name to whatever yours is. Unless it's Sean, too, which is hot on any gender.

A Year Older...

2008-11-28T09:10:00.000-08:00

I'm always interested in articles and things about people's personalities and characteristics. Fascinated that people think that just by knowing a few certain facts or opinions on someone you can create a full breakdown of that person. I'm not exactly sure how true that is. For example, in psychological terminologies I'm classified as an INTP -Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving- type of person, meaning I'm an introverted thinking and internalize things with extroverted intuition, with whatever that means. This is mostly true I guess but doesn't FULLY encapsulate me I think. It's a good start.
What I find even more fascinating is when people use things like birth dates or astrological symbols to pigeonhole you. I'm a Sagittarius and have been told everything from I'm adventurous to I'm a sex addict to I should be more work oriented. I generally laugh at all this but I received a book on the significance of birth dates a few years back and although I'M SURE this doesn't apply to everyone born on this date, I find that it is pretty damn close for me.
Read and tell me what you think. Even if you don't know me you can probably extrapolate the validity of this from my prior blog entries

November Twenty-Eighth
The Day of the Lone Wolf

The highly intense individuals born on November 28 must pursue their own course. Living paradoxes, those born on this day are complex individuals who never cease to amaze their family and friends with their unique combination of aggression and sensitivity. Their ideology is extremely important to them, but it can change in a bewildering fashion, its twists and turns leading through a maze of irony and high seriousness. For example, it may be difficult to determine whether a November 28 individual is conservative or radical, right- or left-wing, an upholder of the social order or anarchic rebel. Ultimately such terms have little meaning in reference to November 28 thought patterns, which must be understood on their own terms.

Although November 28 people appear to others as physical types, the primary thrust of their day is mental, even intellectual. No matter what their walk of life or profession, they can often be found arguing their case, refusing to submit to any ready-made dogmas or belief systems. They are basically self-taught thinkers, and for many, school is at best an annoyance and at worse an imprisonment. They have a strong penchant to take the opposing point of view due to their resistance to absolute statements and generalizations of all types.

November 28 people enjoy pointed humor, and will use wit and irony as powerful weapons against their opponents and also as a means to clarify and give shape to their own views. Most often, however, they make an impression of forthright seriousness. Emotionally, November 28 people are usually caught up in their own personal maelstrom. Romantic relationships may surface frequently, but those born on this day have enormous difficulties in maintaining stability in this area. Their friendships, on the other hand, are usually rock-solid, and highly meaningful. Those who are involved with them will never forget the experience- difficult, maddening, recalcitrant and paradoxical, they go their own way and do their own thing. For example, they can be among the most generous of individuals and yet at other times the most selfish. Often their goodness and true nature is more easily understood by animals and small children, on a purely intuitive level, than by a critical, analytical adult mind. A love of nature and of the animal world is in fact sacred to them, being their one constant refuge from disappointing and uncertain human experiences.

Perhaps the greatest problem for November 28 people is coming to understand themselves, and being able to straighten out their complex, difficult personalities. Usually it is seething emotions which keep them from viewing themselves in a more objective light. Many born on this day use work as an escape from what seems an excessive self-involvement. Concerning the four major faculties of perception- intellect, emotion, intuition, sensation- a titanic effort must be made by November 28 people to bring them into balance. Only then can they progress in their personal development and come to terms with the society around them.

Strengths- profound, natural, emotionally sensitive
Weaknesses- contradictory, confused, dogmatic

Whadda ya think?

Random Knowledge

2008-11-26T10:44:00.000-08:00

Collected knowledge from wise men of our time.

These gentlemen have, in my humble opinion, have been sent to our little planet to impart wisdom to the masses. It isn't everything you need to know but it is a lot to make your life better. Enjoy and learn.

Trust me. This will improve your life.

Mr. Manning has been dropping some knowledge for a while. Listen to number 18.

Peyton 1

Peyton 2

Peyton 3

Peyton 4

Peyton 5

And Randy Moss on keeping your money right.

And of course, the genius that is Mike Tyson.

Heed these words of wisdom from one of the true sages of our time....

You ARE a fool and these three men will help you. I included the pertinent links but I got more if you need extra help. Sucka!

Wesley Snipes

Ghostface Killah

Mr. T Gem 1
Mr. T Gem 2
Mr. T Gem 3
Mr. T Gem 4 (obviously I need some work with this one)
Mr. T Gem 5
Mr. T Gem 6
Mr. T Gem 7 building on Gem 6
Mr. T Gem 8
Mr. T Gem 9
Mr. T Gem 10 for a car commercial, it's very deep.

If you follow these jewels of knowledge, your life will be infinitely better. Trust me. And get rid of that food tongue, son.

Perhaps the most important advice from Mr. T- M.O.M. word.

It is the greatest book of common sense. EVER. The name of this book.....
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO PRETTY TONEY
by Ghostface Killah with J. Brightly

This book is not just awesome for it's sage advice but also for it's excellent pictures that make the book even better. Of particular note, is the pics of Donnell Rawlings (aka Ashy Larry) accompanying the pearls of wisdom.

Chapter Titles-
Livin':Y'all Sleepin' Too Much
Bobbin' & Weavin':Gotta Stay On Point
Wizdom:How You Gonna Tell The Chick She Can't Shit?
The Hustler's Diet:Just Look In The Cabinets
Toneology:We Gotta Bring It Back To The Table.
(The Hustler's Diet and Wizdom are my favorite chapters, by the way-true Jew-Elz)

The book also comes with an audio CD for y'all who can't spend time reading.

Get this book. Read it. Listen to the CD. Improve your life. Word.

I now need to find some of the wisdom that is Michael Irvin, who appreciated the finer things in life. Like crack cocaine.

The Good Life

2008-11-20T12:24:00.000-08:00

I said in an earlier post that I have been pretty much off of television for awhile now, outside of a football game at the pub or random show at someone’s house. That being said I do have DVDs of good shows that are off the air or are/were on in other countries. I was recently watching a show that fell into both of those categories- The Office, the UK version. I was watching the series ending Christmas special and it came to the scene when Dawn and Tim got together finally. David begins to speak and well, I’ll just put down what he said-

“A philosopher once wrote, ‘You need three things to have a good life. One, a meaningful relationship. Two, a decent job of work. Three, to make a difference.’” - David Brent, The Office UK

Now, I had heard his words before but they struck a particular chord with me the other night. As you can tell by the content of this blog, I have increasingly been thinking about my future and what I want with my life. I think this quote (I’m afraid I don’t know who really came up with the quote or if it was invented for the show; irregardless…) is a good basic structure to plan your life around. It doesn’t cover the whole gamut of your experiences or what you have to do or deal with but it gives you a foundation to build on. Let’s see where I am with these three simple tenets and feel free to compare your own life to it as well.

A meaningful relationship- I know that he was probably referring to a relationship between you and someone special (which I will get to later) but I think this can also apply to familial relationships and relationships with friends. I’m sure there is a study somewhere that correlates positive interactions with these two groups with your personal life but I can’t find it so I’ll just use my own circumstances. I always perform and do better in almost all aspects of my life when I am on good terms with my family and am in contact with my friends.
It seems that my low points are always around those times when I feel alone or I’m arguing with one (or a few) of the members of either group. My job performance goes down and I get even lazier about doing my writing during those times. It saps my vitality. This is all to say that I have been more productive recently because I’m returning home for awhile and have been in more contact with almost all of my friends from back home and even out here in the desert. But let’s get to what you really came here for…

I definitely think you need all of what is stated in the above paragraph but your feelings of joy or sadness is also reflected when you have or don’t have someone special in your life. That’s not to say that you NEED a person to validate you or make you happy. Hell, you can be just happy with your family and friends and I think that everyone should experience single time in their life and be cool with it.
I’m saying that if you HAVE a special person (and you are on cool terms with them at that moment) you can get through a lot more even without the full support of those other relationships. I have a weird “thing” going on right now and it’s both frustrating and great at the same time. It could be much better in my opinion but I’m glad I have someone I can talk to sometimes (when she is available) and that is sometimes what galvanizes me through the day or those tough times. Even if the other person doesn’t always see it or you don’t say it enough, they can get you over that bump in the road or even that long bad road. If you get someone like that, keep them around as long as possible and be the best for you and them.

A decent job of work- I really like my job. Okay, let me rephrase that. I MOSTLY really like my job. It's good honest work that I can get through and complain the least about as compared to other jobs. I enjoy working with kids of all ages and even can deal with their snarkiness and bad taste in music.

Really? C'mon....I weep for the future.

No matter how crap the rest of my day is or even if I complain about them later, I really like those little crumbsnatchers and hormonal teenagers. I have done this type of work for about five or six years and I like the fact that I reach kids that feel the same way generally I felt about school- I like learning but don’t want to be in class. I couldn’t stand school and if you told me when I was in high school that this is what I would be doing, I would have laughed in your face and went back to our dark hallway to not do my homework. To give a kid knowledge of something even when they take me to the edge makes me feel good.
All that being said, teaching ISN’T my passion. I figure I’ll still do it in some shape or form for the remainder of my life but, what I really want to do is write for a living. I enjoy making up stories or, I should say, bringing stories to light. Those moments when ideas click and I see the path of these characters are golden for me. I want to spread my vision of the world and other worlds to folks and, hopefully, get a little change out of the deal.
I think that’s what he meant by a decent job of work- something you enjoy and that doesn’t make you want to SNAP! A job where you aren’t just going through the motions to get to five o’clock. I mean everyone does it some or even most days but to do it day in and day out kills your soul and really, what’s the point? You pay your bills but you aren’t living if you spend most of your day being miserable. That isn’t a life. Do something you love and if you can’t do that at least do something you like. That’s my two cents worth.

To make a difference- I think this is the noblest of the three and the hardest to explain. It’s hard to quantify strictly because it is so vague. Everyone has a different idea of making a difference just like everyone has different ideas about success and happiness.
To some, making a difference is a monumental undertaking such as engaging in a social movement or fighting for a particular group. To others, it’s creating a change in their community or correcting familial problems. That’s the beauty of making a difference- it’s unique to everyone but at the core it’s about creating interpersonal relationships and making a change to the world whether on a small, personal level or globally.
I think I want to make a difference and I do right now. I think that is the one thing on this list I always do regardless of how the other two factors are going. I’ll always educate even when it’s not for work and I’ll always help out, even if it something as simple as helping someone carry their bags, giving someone a lift, helping the elderly or staying with someone until the ambulance comes. I feel most content with this element of my life and hope to make it a bigger component the more successful I get with the other two.

So there you have it. I hope this wasn’t another rambling mess and that you actually got something out of it and that it makes you think about your own life. Maybe you have other benchmarks than these three for having a good life. If you do, good on you. Go for those. I’m going to use these and try my best. Hopefully, we meet in a good place with equally good lives.

Before I Self-Destruct

2008-10-30T12:56:00.001-07:00

I get restless and bored.

I wouldn't even say it happens quickly but it seems to happen a lot. This may be part of the reason why I used to just get up and hop out of town on a whim if I could afford it and sometimes even if I really couldn't afford it. I think that was one of the reasons why I couldn't keep a long relationship (or at least part of the reason). This is the reason I have a post for my other blog that still isn't done but I know pretty much what I need to write to finish the story.

I think the problem is two-fold.

One, I know what I NEED to do but instead get side-tracked by the other dozen or so ideas running through my head at the time. For example, I have like three or four shorts I want to put up on The Thracian Drive. Check that. That I NEED to put up over there. Instead, I keep slipping back into adding other elements to three big stories I'm working on. Not to mention, the whole comic book universe thing I have been working on since like 7th grade. I want to stop but working on multiple things at a time seems to be the only way for me to function and get anything done. Maybe I need Adderol or Ritalin. I don't know.

Two, instead of doing what I need to get to the image in my head of the future, I often get caught up in other activities. Some aren't bad like catching a movie, going to the pub to watch a game, reading a book, etc. I realize that everyone needs a break or else you would go insane. The problem comes when instead of staying at home and typing I find myself out getting into the usual shenanigans.
For example, about two weeks back one of my roommates and his girl were going to a pool hall. I don't play pool AT ALL and was EXTREMELY broke. He says he'll buy beer because I always look out for him. I'm still like no (although it was very, very hard to say it; I like free booze like a fat kid likes cake). He said there would be girls. I HOPPED up and put on my sneakers and was sitting in his car before he knew what happened. I moved like Wally West, folks.
What was hilarious about that exchange is I KNEW I wasn't seriously going to holler at any women. Sure, I might flirt a little but my heart is pretty much out of it(it's complicated). But my brain is still operating on old tactics and ways and instead of writing a chapter I decided to go to a smokey pool hall and have a hang over for work the next day. (I have though stayed in for the last two weeks generally and am NOT getting drunk for Halloween but still the problem remains) I only went out to try something new and because I was bored in my room. This is the same reason where I have been extra willing to get into dust-ups and SNAPPING! recently as well.

How do I stay out of dumb situations just because I am bored? I think I need to find better outlets but I still want to focus on doing what I want to do for the rest of my life- which is write. I need to find the balance. I'm hoping my trip back home next month will offer some solutions or at least give me another perspective.

Suggestions? Solutions? Comments? Tips? Know any shady doctors who'll write me a prescription?

Birthday Stuff

2008-10-30T12:34:00.000-07:00

Gonna be 29 in a little less than a month. Never really want anything for my birthday , except liks and a drama-free night, and generally live a very spartan lifestyle but feel free to get me anything, like something off the list below. if not, no worries, I'll get it myself one day soon....

- artwork by James Jean- the dude is awesome really awesome. plus, I figure I'm kinda a grown-up so I should have art of some kind. his Taciturn series is great.

- BSG Posters- pretty cheap and I'm a HUGE BSG nerd. Plus, it's just a classic look. January 16, 2009- I'm just counting down the days. or this. or this. or even this or this. told u I'm a nerd about it.

- luchadore skully- CANNOT even find this anywhere but I want it because it rocks. hell. if you can find it, just send me the link and I'll get it myself.

- half the stuff on this page. if I could, I would wear just t-shirts, hoodies, jeans, sweats and cargo pants. that's one of my life goals- to dress as comfortable as possible.

and yeah, that's about it. Told you I'm simple. I'll take anything though and just appreciate it because it came from the heart. Thanx and feel free to ignore this. Or pay my rent. I mean feel free to do what you want to do. It's cool with me.

BTW- Christmas is coming too. Just saying.

Maybe I'm Silver Creek, Nebraska

2008-10-09T10:41:00.000-07:00

People often use metaphors and descriptions of other things to describe themselves and others. Or at least I do. I compare people to cars, animals, time periods, etc. I've recently come across something else to compare people to. Places.

If I'm a place then I'm probably currently Silver Creek, Nebraska.

Let me explain.

I believe everyone has it in them to be a big city. At times I have been New York City (word) and I'm sure whoever reading this has been L.A. or Tokyo or Paris at one time in their lives. Maybe it was at a really good party, or while out of town or maybe you were a lucky one and have been one of these sprawling metropolises for months on end. This is all to say that at many periods in our lives we have been the place where everyone wants to go, the person everyone wants to see, the place where everything is happening and the person who is living it up with the good and bad of reality.

I imagine fine wine and fancy cheese parties.

I'm not any of these big cities right now. Yes, I do go out on the odd weekend night and can get an old glimmer of the old New York charm. Not to sound (too) cocky but I can still attract groups people to me like moths to a flame if I put up my old effort. I just don't really want to as much as I used to.

I want to be a small town. The kind of place you fly over if you are just looking for that wild time in that big city. I want to be a place you drive through or stop to catch a quick break. I used to fight it but sometimes being a small town isn't bad. People come in and learn something new they didn't know before. They discover something about themselves they never knew in these places. They might even hook up with a random hot diner waitress in this town. (it happens)

The good thing about these small towns is that not too much bullshit remains for long. Sure, they might greet you nicely but it's fleeting and not more is expected than that.

There are, of course, those times when you break down and become stuck in these little hamlets but you eventually decide if you want to stay or to go. If you truly want to stay, its because you have found something quaint and comfortable about this place. It has grown on you and just fits your lifestyle perfectly. See, that's the thing about small towns (at least in my mind) they are either good for you or not at all what you want and you figure it out quickly. If it is wrong for you, you move on learning something or reaffirming what you already knew. If it is a good fit, guess what? You have become one of those good solid people who are content with life and their position.

And who knows? You might turn that small town into a nice big city where people want to visit. I mean even Las Vegas started out as some sand in the middle of nowhere.
Just saying.

Bears, Beets, Battlestar Galactica

2008-10-02T12:24:00.000-07:00

I haven't watched television in about three months.

Okay, that's a lil bit of a lie. I've seen the odd half hour of programming here and there and when I visited the Midwest I watch some TV. I saw a few episodes of True Life, the Democratic Convention and a Cubs game but I have generally not see TV in a minute. I haven't even been keeping up on my online viewing using Hulu.

I'm not saying this to brag either. I'm not one of those people who thinks watching TV lowers your intelligence or doesn't have a TV in their house because they are better than that. Fuck that shite. I really like good TV like 30 Rock, The Wire and The Office and some of our best entertainment content can be found on the small screen.

No, I stopped watching TV because my roommate moved his television to his bedroom and I was too lazy to find a new TV right now. So, I have gotten used to not watching television.

Has it made me more productive? Not really. Instead of spending my new free time writing more (which I have increased a little) I've made up for my lack in television viewing by reading more books, watching DVDS and returning to my foolish ways a la this character from my favorite TV show.

Sweet, sweet Starbuck and one of our shared bad habits....

I'm going to continue this non-TV viewing experiment and actively try to cut back on my other distractions to see how productive I can be. I mean I HAVE done more work than usual but I have also been out enjoying life more (read- drinking in lounges with wimmen-folk). I have to cut back on the latter and increase the former.

Hello, ladies.

I'll never say that viewing television is a hindrance and wrong and killing brain cells(wow, I just spelled brain like brian; maybe I'm totally wrong about all this;hmmm.....) and I do miss The Office and Psych. I will give this no TV thing a little more time though and actively try to utilize my new spare time in the best possible way.

....

At least until the new final season of BSG starts. Frak that. Gotta see how it ends, son. I mean they DID finally get to Earth. C'mon.

Just don't kill Helo and keep Starbuck crazy and we are cool.

Nice not to be alone....

2008-09-26T11:13:00.000-07:00

http://assholesandopinions.blogspot.com/2008/09/my-life-my-life-my-life-in-sunshine.html

http://stephdub.com/2008/09/24/feeling-old-and-behind-in-the-dating-game/

word.

Pay Me In Bud!

2008-09-24T10:35:00.000-07:00

Got a real blog post or two planned for most likely tonight or tomorrow but I thought I would throw up something that just popped into my head this morning. I was checking my messages, e-mail and texts because I had my phone off and crashed early last night. As I scrolled through the e-mails and texts that I had to respond to and listened to my sole message from work, I realized a simple fact.

No one owes anyone anything.

Now, this is not to say that if you borrow something from someone- money, hedge clippers, a car, sugar, their girlfriend for the night- that you don't have to pay them back. Never that. Pay what you owe. I mean, just ask Riley about that one.

What I'm saying is that outside of two relationships in your life, at the end of the day nobody owes anyone anything.

The only two relationships that exist where people owe each other is from parent to child and from child to parent. And even then there are limits. Parents are responsible to take care of you and make sure you are provided for until you can do it on your own. Or should be able to do it on your own. Children, on the flipside, should take care of those same parents when they are able to and can. Again, up to a point.

Outside of that, relationships among siblings, friends, lovers, people in real relationships are all based on trust and you putting yourself out there. Just because you behave in a certain way doesn't mean that that other person is required to return the same actions. It is nice and beautiful and great if that person does. I mean, I try to reciprocate what I get from my loved ones as much as possible and they generally do the same. But I don't necessarily enter into a relationship with someone expecting them to give me back exactly what I give them. It's nice when they do but I can't lose sleep over it if they don't. And I have to reaffirm this belief every time my faith is shaken in someone.

Maybe it's just me being cynical or not expecting enough for myself like I should but people are people with their pluses and minuses. Sometimes their flaws can make them disappoint you and vice versa. I'm just saying we sometimes have to be non-emotional about it and realize that we can't always get what we feel we are owed and that people rarely change. Knowing this and if that isn't enough then we have two options- accept that person or move on.

"Ask Yourself Who Are You?....

2008-09-22T10:03:00.001-07:00

...If you don't know who you are, how can your dreams come true?"- 50 Cent, Realest Killas
Wise words, Mr. Curtis Jackson. Wise words.

There is an image that each of us has in our heads about how we look to the outside world. I think they call it residual self-image in The Matrix, or some shit like that. Anyway, we either make ourselves look better or worse than we are in reality in our minds.

I'm no different.

Although it varies throughout the day and is mostly dependent on how I feel at any particular moment, I like to imagine myself if not at this level yet then close to it. I like to think of myself as charming, smart, funny, a little bit of a smart ass and rogue. And good looking. Kinda like Rusty Ryan in Ocean's Eleven. Only, you know, BLACK.

I coined the term Black Brad Pitt before Jigga. Ask my pals.*

Talking to my boy the other day, I've realized that I'm not becoming movie star cool. Instead I'm slowly growing into a TV character by inches every day.

- I have a list of things to address to make right for me and others and ultimately the world.
- I live in a trailer park.
- I have a bigger younger brother but to get more to the point I live with a larger white male hillbilly (his words, not mine).
- We drive around in a shitty vehicle mostly playing country music, classic rock and some shitty rap.
- I know an authoritative blonde with a nice rack who likes black dudes(know a few blondes like this actually but, really, who doesn't?).
- I know a Mexican cleaning woman who is attractive(again, who doesn't?).
- I like spending time at bars drinking beer.
- And, to top it off, if I want to I can grow a pretty awesome mustache.

Who am I?

DAMMIT, MAHN. Earl? Least my fashion sense is better. I hope.

Sigh. Yeah, something has GOTTA change. and sooner than later.

*Trust me. They won't lie for me. They are dicks in that way. God, love 'em.

Idiom Series Septa

2008-09-21T10:37:00.000-07:00

Lucky number 7.

"I want what's best for you."

I've been thinking about this one for awhile. It seems to pop up pretty regularly in conversations I hear between educators and students, parents and children, friends and people in relationships. "I want what's best for you." It forces me to think about what that person is saying and I have come to the conclusion that it is somewhat bullshit.

A person who is saying this to you isn't really (for the most part) saying what they really think they are saying. Sure, the person you hear it from may REALLY want what is best for you but their vision of this and your vision are usually different things. They want what is best for you to be for you to fulfill some image or idea that they WANT for you to do or become. They want you to become this potential person that exists in their head. This person, although great, may not be you or even remotely who you want to be. They desire you to be satisfied with a life that they choose for you, if you want it or not.

I'm not taking anything from the thought process and emotional attachment behind this statement and the goodwill that it is usually said with but there exists a better statement. A statement that really conveys that this person cares about you and it isn't about you fulfilling this role they have created for you in their mind.

I want you to be happy.

This simple statement is very similar to the one this Idiom Series entry is about without the burden of becoming someone that you might not be or even want to be. It also fulfills the emotional element that someone who truly cares about you would want to convey.

So, next time those words begin to bubble out of your mouth- PAUSE. Think about what you are really saying and what you truly want from that person in front of you. If you want them to become this person in your head and settle for a life you planned out for them, go right ahead and say it. If you really care that this person is enjoying and living life to the fullest, then say the other statement and mean it.

I mean, because at the end of the day I just want you to be happy. Seriously.

Next in Series- TBD

Hmmmm...........

2008-09-19T15:15:00.000-07:00

You know I used to not believe in mankind. I actually argued with one of my freshman professors in college that humans were ultimately evil and/or selfish or too stupid. I thought that at the end of the day, every man, woman and child would ultimately just look out for themselves and that the bonds between people we see were a bit of an illusions when it came down to the choice between me and you.

I don't think that anymore.

I think people are scared and it's fear that compels them to do nothing to change their situation or the world as a whole. They are afraid of making things worse or rocking the boat so they just accept everything. I think that's actually a little scarier than them being evil. I can deal with evil. I know how to fight that. But, fear...Fear breeds ignorance and misunderstandings and destruction and dishonesty.

Let me think on this one and get back to the world.

I Actually Enjoyed A Knight's Tale

2008-09-15T11:18:00.000-07:00

As always this post starts out of a conversation or two of three with my friends, who are, generally, smarter and better at making headway in life than I am. So, when they begin to discuss how things aren’t going there way or that they are lost, I get worried. Not to be totally self-absorbed and I DO care profoundly how my friends are doing, I instantly think “If this person is in bad straits, what the hell does that mean for me?”

One particular conversation that had me write this comes from a friend who is in a very similar state as I’m currently in. She was talking about how she gets bored with a lot of things and really has no concrete issue in one thing so it becomes hard for her to just choose a life path. Her telling me this made me reflect on this idea I had a week ago and have been thinking about for awhile actually.

I always have this love for watching movies set back in gladiatorial times or movies with knights or other periods involving simple people fighting and living. Not that I see an abundant amount of people that resemble me in these films but I’ve gotten used to it and watch these flicks for the stories and characters. I realized what I really like about these movies and it may sound weird.

I like the fact that these people either play the role they were assigned in life or attain a role they want and is fun for them. Their lives are simple- you do what you do, fall in love, fight, have children and pass on. If you are particularly good at what you do, your story lives on forever.

Now, this may seem weird especially from someone who wants to do everything and hates to be told what to do but I wish sometimes that my path was planned like that. Like, “Hey, here’s a sword. You are a soldier. Go.” There is no debating, no internal struggle. I have a sword and I either fight or I die. That’s it. Simple. And after the fighting is done for the day, I do whatever the hell I want. Or maybe it wasn’t like that. Maybe their lives sucked in a different way. I don’t know.

Maybe I want a simplified existence to make my life easier to manager and get through. If it’s all planned, there are no questions. I like questions but I also like to not stress about what I’m going to do next. So yeah, I watch these movies to escape reality and think about a simpler lifestyle.

Or maybe I just think I would be bad-ass with a sword. Who knows?

This May Be A Debilitating Disability (No, not really.....

2008-09-12T12:12:00.000-07:00

....but it sure ain't good)

When I'm at work or just out, my mind gets flooded with ideas and things that I have almost fully planned out. I'm ready at those moments to bang out words and stories like no one's business.

This is my brain when I SHOULD be doing work. POW! ZOOM!

Then I get a free moment like right now and.... nothing.

G'mork. If you get the above reference, you were born in the 70s or 80s.

It's not even that I lost the ideas or don't know what to do. It seems my brain steps in and says "slow up. is this viable?" or "well, mr. smart guy, you have all these ideas and notions, which one are you going to start with?" I get through some things after toiling for a while but nowhere near the level I should be cranking it out.

This is my problem. I think it is my main problem, actually, and if I was able to overcome it then I think my life would run substantially smoother.

Maybe I need Ritalin or something. Don't want to depend on drugs of any kind though.

Suggestions? Ideas?

Right Now I'm Stuck In The Library Scene in Finding Forrester

2008-09-11T18:59:00.000-07:00

Sitting here at the end of a slowly ending and declining day. It started out well enough but has now went into le toilet and there will, I think, be repercussions from it.

With this all going on I receive e-mails from two people.
One is an e-mail from a friend for the past 11 years. She is sharing with me something that would only interest me and her out of all of our shared group of friends. We are both fans of a show that would probably be only acceptable for her to watch but I love also. (Okay, it's Dawson's Creek- my taste in TV tends to lean toward geeky nerd, NYC sarcastic ass or teenage white girl) It's a pretty basic exchange but it perks me up because I haven't heard from her in a minute and it is always good to talk about something you and another person like.
The other message comes from an old co-worker. She is someone who I got along with relatively well with at my job although I had closer attachments to others. It is good to hear from her because it is a diversion from my current life and it is easy like Sunday morning.

These two messages perked me up but not enough to dismiss the realities of my situation. I thought I would be getting paid tomorrow but just learned that checks won't clear until Monday. Now, I wasn't expecting a huge amount anyway but I had calculated where the pittance I was receiving was going this weekend- mainly to pay off some stuff, get food and a new pair of work pants and maybe some change to drink with a visiting friend.

Well, that plan is over.

And, really, it is my fault for my spending recently and I would be kicking myself in the arse for that normally but not this time.
Sure, I spent a little bit more than usual recently but it was for my sanity I believe. I HAD to get away. I could have stayed here and been fine right now as far as money but I probably would have choked/punched/SNAPPED!/spazzed on someone in the process. So, I went away for a few days.

The trip was worth it. I saw two of the closest people in my life and two of the maybe 2 handfuls of people who can make me feel alright about myself (outside of my own cocky self). One is a friend who I have known for about 18 years or so. He is one of the trio of best friends that was formed back in the summer of our 6th grade year and there was a time when I saw him more often than I didn't. He doesn't judge and gives good advice and I look at him for the proper way to approach a few things in life.
The other person is one who I haven't known as long but has become invaluable to me and is near the top of the list of all the people who I love in the world. Even when she frustrates the shite out of me (which is a good amount of the time but not as much as most folks think), I still am glad to just be in her presence. And the frustration comes from the truth that I don't necessarily want to always hear (mostly).

So, yeah I could have saved that money but forget it. I needed that release. It's slowing up hanging out with my other best friend from my little trio this weekend but I should figure something out. And really friends are great because you can be broke just sitting there and it's cool. (Or I at least I hope it will be for him because I have flies in the pocket currently)

What started out as a good day that became craptacular has just become somewhat bearable again and I have good vibes for the rest of the time this week. Should be getting some good news from at least one person tonight. Monday will come and reveal its secrets and hopefully they will be good. This changes around some of my plans but my goals remain the same and it gives me a lens to look at my own reality, my own maelstrom and see what needs to be truly accomplished.

Gods, that was a lot and hopefully made some sense. Sometimes you can't Twitter things, E. I needed more than 160 characters for this one, folks.

Enjoy your weeks/weekends and have a shot for me.

Never Forget....

2008-09-11T13:30:00.000-07:00

well, I almost did. my bad. sometimes forget things for a second living out in the desert.

My Blood Is Part Asphalt

2008-09-11T12:11:00.000-07:00

I would make a horrible vampire. Not that I'm planning on it (or that it's even possible) and not for any of the reasons you may think. I'm not particularly freaked out by blood at all, although I like my meat well-done. I could be fine with sleeping the days away and even though most vampires in stories dress funny I could even get around that. No, my problem would stem from ennui (or boredom for those who can't be bothered to crack a dictionary).

Anyone that knows me knows that there are few things that have the capacity to keep my interest for any significant amount of time. I get bored with people, things and, especially, places very quickly. I might be able to get past the first two items (I mean, I do have friends that I have known for almost two decades, met one woman I would maybe put up with and there is a small list of things I would be upset to lose) but the last thing, places, is a major issue for me to deal with. I haven't been to many places as compared to some folks but I have visited and lived in some places to form a half-assed opinion of them. So, here is a list of a few places and how I would fare/think about them (and apologies if this is where you grew up or you live here or you love this place but this is my page, so SUCK IT)--

Portland, Maine- cold and then really hot in the summer. went their for sports camp in the summer after 8th grade. I felt that me and my boy that I went with may have doubled the black population there for the summer. COULD NOT live there. Stephen King can have that ENTIRE state for himself.

Phenix City, Alabama- got cousins that live there. drove there twice. idea of a good time? walking around, smoking, going to the local burger joint and the random motel party. Yeah. Pass.

Jarvisburg, North Kackalacka(sorry, only gonna do that one time)- my family's ancestral home. spent a few summers here as a kid. good times then but don't think it would have the same charms especially with the loss of certain individuals that made my time there fun. plus, sandburrs can get pretty frakkin' annoying and don't really like random ass snakes lurking. good times otherwise. peaceful but I'm a city boy at heart. I need buildings. tall buildings. really tall buildings. sort of like they scrape the sky.

Fayetteville, North Carolina(told you, I'm a man of my word)- went here to stay with my sis and her fam while I was going through a strange time in my life. would not live here. the mall is decent but nada but gun shops, bars, tattoo parlors, pawn shops and check cashing places around. so basically almost any area around a military base not in a big city.

Macon, Georgia- lived here for like a year. See Fayetteville and just add that I was bent here every weekend or left to go to ATL or NYC as much as possible.

Atlanta, Georgia- (or Hotlanta for all you lames out there) nice city. a little bit materialistic in certain areas. enjoyed the scene when I visited but it seems a crazy amount of people are moving here and basically changing it into mini-versions of their cities. wouldn't live here just because my stubborn nature makes sure I don't follow the crowd.

Savannah, Georgia- didn't spend a great deal of time here but the little time I did I enjoyed it. Very nice and scenic. might be a nice place to raise a family in my forties. would have to go back to form a real opinion.

Austin, Texas- again, like Savannah, didn't spend a lot of time here but enjoyed it. seemed really hip for Texas but not in an arrogantly asshole way (like Williamsburg, BK gets sometimes). interesting to see how I would deal with it at my current age.

San Antonio, Texas- not gonna bad-mouth this place too much because my nephew was born here and it was like the first place I played Resident Evil and was actually a little scared while playing. plus, there was a Jack In The Crack right across the street from where my sister lived. Oreo shakes held me down even if the mustache on the chick serving them gave me the heebie-jeebies. mornings were blazing hot so my jog/run in the morning plans quickly fell apart. this city, oustide of the Alamo, seems to have just taken pieces of other cities and place it in the hot ass Southwest. not a fan. maybe good to get away for a weekend or week but nothing more than that.

New York City(,son)- my hometown. LOVE this place but I can't live there. at least not right now. too expensive and crazy. or at least my old neighborhood has gotten crazier and it wasn't exactly sane to begin with. I like the vibe at home though, the rude but real people, the diversity, the options and the easy access afforded to me by a good transit system. NYC is the basis on how I rate other places and my requirements to live there. like an old lover, it has a good place in my heart but unsure if I can rekindle that flame for some long-time romance. miss you, baby....

Poughkeepsie, Albany and any other place in Upstate New York- I spent the most time in Poughkeepsie out of all of these places but they all share similar problems for me- they are cold, kinda slow and ultimately not NYC. it's like being in a room next door to a hot girl you like and having to entertain her dull, less attractive friends. maybe I'm being too hard on these spots but that's how I feel about them. least they ain't Jersey though. (yeah, I said it.)

Fort Walton Beach, Florida- relatively near Panama City Beach, this place is just made for the military base there and spring breakers. spent a day there when me, my friend and my brother drove down there to leave him my sister's car when they left the country. nice outlet set-up but would get bored with that party and bullshit and drink some more lifestyle. I'll give Florida another chance whenever I get the chance to get down to Miami.

Tokyo, Japan- again, this one is thanks to my brother-in-law being in the military. went there for like a month and change and enjoyed my time there. walked around with limited knowledge of the Japanese language and was still cool. like the train system, the people varied between stand-offish and very helpful and there was plenty to do. sort of like a really bright Downtown Brooklyn/Midtown Manhattan. don't know how long I could actually live here but it would be one of the places I would give a chance.

Montreal, Canada- went here the same summer I was in Maine. maybe it was because I was in 8th/9th grade going to strip joints, drinking liks in the streets or the fact that it wasn't Maine, but I had a good time here. would like to get back to check it out, if only for a visit.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and Washington, D.C.- been to these places a few times. alright places but I can never get a real read off of them. feels like I'm sitting in that really nice living room where you aren't supposed to touch anything and you have to sit on that plastic. very old and white or black and tough. reminds me- need to go to the actual state of Washington. have family there and my sis said I would like Seattle.

Baltimore, Maryland- had a cousin that lived here and been here a few times for old jobs. uhhhh....yeah. liked it but really watch The Wire and that is this place at night off of the main good streets. Liks are cheap though.

New Haven, Connecticut- see Philly and D.C.

Boston, Massachusetts- HELL NO! this is NYC multiplied by racism, sports obsession and horrible accents. I was here for a random St. Pat's day. not a good look. nope. nuh-uh.

San Francisco, California- told my sister she would love this place. very scenic, positive and progressive. I like this place but I need more craziness outside of their general homeless craziness. could probably deal with it if I could go to NYC or somewhere for a weekend every once in a while. maybe I could visit the rest of Cali while there too. sort of ridiculous that I haven't been to Los Angeles yet seeing as it's four hours away.

Chicago, Illinois- so far this has been one of my places to go and it's not just because two of my three best friends currently live there. it reminds me of NYC but is different enough to be good. hard to explain that. don't know how I feel about chilling at the beach near a highway but I still really like this place.

Las Vegas, Nevada- my current residence. been here for about two years. really liked hanging out here and it's like one of the BEST places for a vacation for the weekend or the week. once you become a local though, some of that shite wears off. it also might have something to do with me getting older but my drive to party it up has slowed down out here. I moved out here with the intent to not spend the rest of my time out here anyway (would NOT raise a family out here) but there are things I still like about this place. nice weather, entertainment is good and new people everyday. it's too transient for me and the fact that most of my friends that were out here are gone/are leaving are taking some of the shine off this place. add to that that I don't think this city has found its "soul" like other cities and I cannot see myself out here past the age of 30.

This list is small, I'm omitting a few small towns I spent varying degrees of time in and hopefully I'll get some more places to add to my passport and mental map but this is where I stand right now. Need to find that right place for me.
Maybe that's why vampires seem so distant, surly and lonely in stories. Maybe they haven't found their place to be truly happy yet. Just a thought.

Daydream

2008-09-09T12:52:00.001-07:00

Dammit. I need a free intern to slap me around and make me do the work and put down all the stuff I got running through my head, like story ideas and deadlines to set and not BS around. Where can I get one of those?

Oh, hey. You have one. What do you call that?

Ahh, you call that Focus (TM). Yeah. Need that. And you say most people come with that? Weird. You sure?

That's standard? I don't have to pay extra for that option?

Oh. I do. How much?

Wait, I already did a partial payment? I paid for most of it? I've used it before?

Okay. Where did mine go then?

Okay. I see the lazy bastard. Let me go and wake his out-of-shape ass from his drunken stupor. Thanks for the heads up, Rest of Most of The World.

Clinger

2008-09-09T10:35:00.000-07:00

I'm a bit of a clinger.

No. Not this guy. That's KLINGER. ---->

Let me explain. When I like a girl/woman, I mean REALLY like them, I tend to become a clinger. I like to be near them and know what is going on with them. This is not to say I'm a stalker. I have neither the time, patience or psychotic focus to be a stalker. What I mean is that I like to have a person think about me almost as much as I think about them.

The weird thing is you can usually tell how much I like a woman initially by how much I cling. For example, my last girlfriend. Cool chick but I was NEVER around her. This was partially due to our age difference and partially because in my heart I kinda knew we were on a train to Nowheresville. I mean I liked her but I didn't have my heart fully into it.

The women I do like I tend to always want to hang around even if its to do nothing or just be irritated by them. (I have a tendency to go for sassy, bossy, tough, authoritative and, some would say, crazy women who I both love and hate, strangely) I think this tendency to cling is that often the women I pursue are usually distant or have had problems with men or some other issue. This tends to manifest itself in a fear of taking steps towards making a commitment and I'm left to wonder where I ultimately stand with them. Hence, the clinginess on my part(this is not to blame them for my own immature behavior).

In my quest to jump over their past hurdles and make them feel that there are people in the world to trust, I often make it into the good friend zone and then they move onto another dude, usually one who is just like what they don't want. Hmmm. Maybe I'm Good Luck Chuck actually.....

Still got a thing for her. He's not as funny as you think.

Naw. I REALLY hope not.

The funny thing is if these women that I end up liking just admitted their own feelings about me, I would not cling. I think on those rare occasions when I do have girlfriends and that once I know we are together I go on with my own life and leave them to their own devices because I trust them. I know where I stand. Or at least I hope for the best and that this person is being honest with me and themselves and I have to trust in my own reaction to whatever situation pops up. When I do know you like me as much or almost as much as I like you, I let go and only cling as much as you want.

Now, if I could only find someone who gets that then at least that part of my life would make some sense....

Alpha- Zeta

2008-09-08T12:23:00.000-07:00

something just to fill space and pass the time...have something new tomorrow.

A. Attached or single? Single. Mostly. Kinda. Ok, let's just say it gets complicated at times.

B. Best friend? E, Al n Mess.

C. Cake or pie? Cake. Fuck pie. Chocolate preferably.

D. Day of choice? Friday. Most would pick Saturday but since I work pretty much everyday Friday is the most relaxing.

E. Essential item? Dogtag.

F. Favorite color? Blue.

G. Gummy bears or worms? Worms are superior to bears. More gumminess for your buck.

H. Hometown? New York City and more particularly Far Rockaway, Queens. Don't sleep, son.

I. Favorite indulgence? Watching DVDs in a quiet bedroom.

J. January or July? I guess January. Less work, new start and none of that make me wanna murder heat.

K. Kids? I don't have any. I think.

L. Life isn’t complete without? My friends and some of my family.

M. Marriage date? None currently.

N. Number of brothers and sisters? Whew. Okay. 2 older brothers. 2 older sisters. 2 younger brothers. That's all. I think.

O. Oranges or Apples? Apples. Oranges are only good for juice.

P. Phobias? Dogs (but only a little bit now). Failure. Destitution.

Q. Quote? We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.- Oscar Wilde

R. Reasons to smile? I'm probably not at work right now.

S. Season of choice? Fall (or Autumn, if you wanna get fancy). I like hoodies.

T. Tag 5 people: Nope. If you wanna do this, then just do it.

U. Unknown fact about me? I really think you guys know everything I'm willing to share. Okay, I have the amazing talent of passing up booty for months. It's not as easy as it sounds. Trust me.

V. Vegetable? Cucumber. Is that a vegetable or a fruit? Think its a vegetable.

W. Worst habit? Procrastination.

X. X-ray or Ultrasound? Alright....X-Ray, I guess. Like the images. Makes me feel like Superman.

Y. Your favorite food? Anything burger related. Or salmon.

Z. Zodiac sign? Sagittarius and read into that whatever you want.

Money Vs. Happiness

2008-09-08T10:22:00.000-07:00

Had a chat with a friend about her dealings with dudes. She has the issue of a lot of guys after her who make a good amount of cash but are not the best people. I told her I would rather be happy and broke then rich and miserable.

I thought about that statement yesterday and realized it was sort of BULLSHIT. Sure, my ultimate goal in life is to essentially be a happy individual but thinking about it I don't think that is possible as a broke person. Being broke is bearable but it isn't a happy existence. I can be broke and be happy for moments or a few days but ultimately reality kicks in and its usually a nut shot.

I've had a job in NYC that paid well but I half-hated it. Okay, I hated it about 75% of the time and moreso right before I quit. I have a job that keeps me above water and I love it 90% of the time. Which situation would I rather be in? Well, excluding outside factors (location, relationships, etc.), although the NYC job drove me a little crazy, at the end of the week I could go out and drink with my boy or hop on a plane and get out of town. With this job now, I'm generally happy at work but I'm not able to roll out like I use to and, although your relationships with people are supposed to be independent of your wealth, the situations for fun doesn't present itself when you can't go to see the folks you want or you can't afford that next round. This especially sucks when you are the "broke guy" in the group. Yeah, your friends don't mind too much hooking you up with a drink, especially if you would hit them off if you had it but a lot of the time you feel like a bum about it. (Or at least I do. Pride has kept me in on more than one occasion, unfortunately. But I hate feeling like the anchor bringing down the night, even if I'm really not)

So, which is better- money and miserableness or broke and contentment?

I say neither. I want money to spend/saved up and a truly happy life not one where I'm just okay, barely. But if these are my two choices, the romantic in me is going to go with being broke but the realist in me (who really needs to keep a foot in my arse nowadays) says to get that paper and if the scenario sucks, take some of that green and do something you enjoy with people you like.

Massive Fail- Not Me, Please

2008-09-08T10:03:00.000-07:00

I was out of town about a week or so ago and spent some time with a friend at her mother's house. While there I met this guy. He was going through a time of it and was struggling at this point to get his life straight or at least he should have been. This guy was in his forties, unemployed, living with people out of the kindness of their hearts and on top of all that has a pre-teen kid. He had just went through about the roughest couple of months I had heard of in a minute. I initially felt bad for this dude. Initially.

As I talked to him more, I began to realize a majority of his problems were self created. He was/is a womanizer with little respect for the opposite gender. He gets into situations without plans on how to get out of them. He does nothing for himself as far as living his own life.

Not a good look. Not me.

As I was driving from what seemed to be a scene written out of a bad episode of Maury or Jerry, I was talking to my friend about my own plans (alright, she was grilling me as usual). My plans as always are an outline and she said that if I didn't get them to be more concrete that it was a slippery slope to beeing this guy. That hurt and I confronted her about it and she apologized and she said she knew I wasn't going to be him. But the fact that she even said it and my own talks with him gave me pause. Me and this dude had some similarities.

Bad in relationships? Check.
Leaping without looking? Check.
College drop-out? Check.

My saving grace is that I don't have any kids, I'm not a tool like him and although I procrastinate I will do what is best for me and I'm willing to work for it. My best friend assured me I was right and that I didn't have to worry about being him. Ever. He was a victim not because he was REALLY a victim but it was the path of least resistance to declare that the world was responsible for his station and life and he didn't have to take responsibility for it. I've always been the complete opposite and believed that 98% of the situations I get into are a direct result of my own choices.

But it did make me reflect on something. I've always been gifted and I used to try hard when I was really young and even in high school, although lazy, I still had success in my eyes. Even when I wasn't trying, shite worked out for me. My friend used to joke I was rolling down the hill of life and when I got to the bottom I would stand up and shake off all the gold and assorted riches that I just happened to accumulate along the way (I just thought it was my Spidey-Sense on overdrive helping me get out of jams). But even with this, I don't know, karma looking out for me I still had in me a feeling that I would come out on top by my own merits. This spark drove me.

I'm looking at this guy and thinking where did that spark go in him and ultimately, me?

I like to think of myself as almost as smart or as smart as my friends. I think I have the same capabilities as many of them. I think I'm as creative as the really artistic one. The question that bugs me is am I missing that key component that makes them successful or gives them the drive to not just let life sweep them along? What is it that makes people push forward and why am I lacking it? I have a million (okay, a few hundred) story ideas but I can hardly finish one of them. Why do I crap out on things? I know some of it stems from how I used to approach things in school. Things were easy for me so I would get bored and try to move onto something else. Or if it was going to be a huge effort I just shut down- not that I couldn't do it but maybe because I was afraid of succeeding at it.

I don't know. I may just be babbling at this point but I think I'm just in the process of finding that...thing to make me push and do what I want and be successful at it. Something to stop me from being that guy in the back of a car living off the kindness of strangers.

Fight or Flight

2008-09-06T14:06:00.000-07:00

I would like to think of myself as a generally level-headed, easygoing guy. I try to mind my business as much as possible and not get involved in the affairs of others if I can. While this is certainly laudable (or I think it should be), my decision to not always speak up at every little thing is sometimes taken as me having a huge flight reaction.

On the other hand, when someone says something about my friends, or someone I'm just with or if I'm somewhat tipsy, my instant response is "I'm gonna break your face." This reaction has grown recently in my past few years and has been the side that my roommates have been exposed to so much to the point that I heard one of them commenting that he should invite a guy over and have me hurt him. Mind you I was in my room at 3 AM at this point and probably asleep in his head.

My problem is this- how do I balance my nice side which I like and I think the people who like me like a lot with the tune up the world side I try to keep under wraps?

I think a lot of time people seem to mistake my being quiet or kind or glossing over things for weakness. It's not. It stems from a fear of SNAPPING! I come from a family of SNAPPERS! From the oldest to the youngest. Just a question of degree. Someone shove you? SNAP! Someone was talking about you? SNAP! Who owes me money? SNAP! Any and everything was a pathway to an altercation, whether verbal or physical. A great deal of my childhood was just tests of toughness and not backing down. I failed a lot of these test because I was more concerned with getting through the day and not getting hurt. I didn't feel the need to prove myself in this regard as much as the others around me. My realm was books and being smart. (my younger self is the polar opposite of my later self) I was also scared since I kept a lot of emotions bottled up most of the time that my SNAPPING! would be so much worse and I wouldn't be able to stop myself.

This is not to say that I didn't have my SNAP! moments or points. Two that stick with me to this day is someone threatening my siblings and saying something about my mother. There are no solutions but SNAPPING! for me in those moments.

But as I have grown older I have noticed that although we are supposed to be a civilized society, a great many people only seem to respect or acknowledge physicality and violence. Just look at the rise in popularity of mixed martial arts (and yes there is discipline, training and honor in that but NO ONE would watch unless someone was getting punched in the face). And for all that shite about wanting a nice guy and someone caring, most people are going to go for that guy who can or appears that they can protect them in some way.

I get highly irritated when people doubt me or what I'm capable of in this regards. True, I'm not going to be the next UFC champ and I can't press 400 lbs. but I can guarantee I will walk through the worst neighborhoods and make it out with little trouble. Do not let the glasses fool you. When it comes down to it and its me or you losing, its going to be YOU. Every. Time.

So, where do I find this balance? How do I prove that I will fight without having to hit everyone from here to my house that accidentally jostles me? Or better yet, why do I have to prove myself to the world? The sad thing is I know I do and so do you.

Some of us are fighters and some of us aren't. Some of us talk shit and some of us don't. How can I live in balance?

My Greatest Fear

2008-09-05T15:27:00.000-07:00

I once heard that every piece of western literature and, to a lesser extent, all literature is about the son killing/replacing his father.The idea is that we cannot become complete people until we have usurped the place of our parents and forebears. The usual goal is to become better people than them and to learn from their mistakes. Unfortunately, the case becomes that we become exactly like them or sometimes even worse than they were. This leads me to my greatest fear...

I fear that I will one day become my father.

I will preface this post with this- my father is not an evil Vader like figure and at the end of the day is probably a really good buddy to play a quick pick-up game with or go on a fishing trip with. (I wouldn't be joining you but I think you guys would have a good time) I also want to say that he has some attributes that I like to embrace. For example, he is a good artist, highly creative, charming, witty, intelligent, confident and self-taught. And I don't hate the man. Hate is a strong word deserved for very special individuals and I don't think there will ever come a day where I say I hate my father. Disappointed and sometimes dislike? Yes. Hate? No.

My fear is this- that I will ultimately embrace his darker sides. He is a recovering addict, has multiple kids, does not keep up communications with said kids, always has "financial issues" to the point where I stopped asking for anything from him over a decade ago and is generally not someone to be in a relationship with. (this last one seems to have changed since he has been married for maybe a decade now)
I used to say all the time how I would never get married or have children. My reasoning for this was because I thought I would never find anyone I truly loved and the world was/is a screwed up place to bring a child into. Now, that I look back on it, it stems from watching this man. I fear that I would have kids that wouldn't be able to depend on me at all times and that I would screw up any relationship I chose to enter like he did. I have gotten over some of this fear but it still resides in the back of my head scratching at my brain like a rat.

Perfect example of the relationship or lack thereof I share with my father. Had a long talk with my friend and it made me think I should take a weekend to address some people I should apologize to and to be a bigger person and extend my hand to my father. I had, at the time, only called him if there was an issue with my brother or if my siblings needed me to ask him something/wanted to see him. His favorite line to me has been since high school "The phone works both ways." (familiar to a few of you, I know) My problem with this statement was 1) how come it only seemed to work from my house and 2) you have my number because it was yours for years so why should I as the child be the one to step up? But I looked pass all of this and made a phone call. It was a civil enough if generic conversation. The same question about my relatives and his old friends, i.e. a phone convo that was the exact same as the convos I had when I went to his house. Anyway, we talked and when it was all said and done he said he would call me back. I said I wasn't sure if I would have the same number but I would call him if it changed(it didn't).

Flash-forward to the end of October. He comes to Las Vegas on vacation with his wife for the weekend and doesn't even call. Mind you my number hasn't changed, he talked to my brother the prior week so he could have gotten it from there and the only reason I knew he was in town at all was because my brother mentioned it during my weekly conversation with my mother. Yeah. I was not happy about this but I chalked it up to just how that guy was.
But it made me reflect on my own actions. I quickly scrolled through my head and thought if I had behaved similar with people. There was one incident but I apologized immediately afterwards and, more importantly, my friend is not my son. It was just another incident involving me and my father that had made me recommit to not living my worst fear- becoming him.

I could go on with a few more stories but this post isn't to demonize the man just to state some issues I have with his behavior towards me or involving me tangentially.

My sister once told me that my father is a great friend but is lacking in the dad department. I have come to agree with her (but I'm currently not too interested in discovering if the friend part of that statement is true). My goal is to become a better man by not making the same mistakes he did.

If I had a ton of disposable income....

2008-09-05T11:46:00.000-07:00

(like lottery level disposable) after I pay off any and all debt and quit working jobs that I don't necessarily love, I would do/buy these things-

1) travel around the world for 6 months to a year
2) force my mother to retire (there is no asking because she wouldn't do it if I asked nicely) and get her another house
3) pay for my niece and nephew's education
4) get a house away from everything to use when I want
5) wear nothing but t-shirts and jeans unless I choose to get dressed up (or as E says "Make people dress up to see me")
6) publish my own stuff
7) either learn to drive stick to buy one ridiculous sports car, fly a plane and/or get a van, turn it into The Mystery Machine and wear an ascot as I travel around the countryside solving mysteries with my gang of meddling kids
8) addendum to 5- robes. lots of robes a la Ghostface Killah
9) build a studio for my brother
10) vacations when I want

Handy Tool to Keep in Your Pocket

2008-09-05T11:37:00.000-07:00

Think this is a good graph to utilize.

Why You Can't Always Be the Responsible One or The Bigger Person

2008-09-05T11:35:00.000-07:00

something I read that made me think from God Save The Queen-by Mike Carey and illustrated by John Bolton. I was gonna include the back story on this but I think it is an effective little few sentences, even on its own, out of context.

"If someone is always there, you sort of get to think that you can go away for as long as you like.
And come back.
And go away.
And come back.
And they'll always be where you left them last. Like the toys you turn up under sofa cushions. Or the good bits in a book you read when you were five."

Think this is true and we sometimes take the people that truly care about us for granted and mistreat them the most because we think they aren't ever going to leave us. But they can and they might and they often times do.
So, for all of those I have treated in such a manner, I apologize. It is human nature but that's no excuse. We should always try to evolve into better versions of ourselves and this is something that we shouldn't accept but it is something we should overcome.

Idiom Series Hexa

2008-09-05T11:32:00.000-07:00

Installment sexy six. Awwww, yeah…..

“No offense. No disrespect.”

(This one sorts of builds on Idiom Series Installment Four- “But you’re different…”)

In the past few days (hell, really the last almost 20 something years) I have heard the same statements repeated to me by different people.

-Guys are losers.

-Men are dogs.

-Guys are slower in their development than women.

-You can’t trust males.

Etc, etc, etc….. I can go on with other variations on the above theme for awhile. (And, at times, you other fellas make it hard for me to fight for you) Generally, the point is that men are flawed and it’s epidemic for the gender.

Except for me.

I say except for me because these statements are made to me always (okay, 90% of the time) followed with the disclaimer “No offense” or “I don’t mean you.”

C’mon. You mean to tell me that all the males you meet are horrible people except for me? And why shouldn’t I be offended? You just used an insult brush to paint the male gender as inept buffoons who are incapable of being on the same level as you emotionally, mentally or whatever other aspect of human expression that you find important at that particular moment.

Additionally, just because you say no offense doesn’t negate the fact that I’ll get offended. Actually, if you omitted that phrase at the end of the comment, I would be less offended. You saying that means that you thought about what you said and felt the need to explain rather than it just being a situation where you are angry and just wanted to vent.

(Okay, I apologize for using women as the scapegoat for this one but they have been the ones who have used it with me recently and I feel that if I did the reverse to one of them that I would quickly have my “except me” status revoked)

Other groups of people do it as well, especially in regards to race. Can not tell you when I have heard a borderline racist comment made followed by “No disrespect.” Takes an EXTREME amount of willpower to not spaz out. Plus, I just don't have that amount of time.

Here’s a suggestion- How about not making general ass comments/statements and take people as they come?

I have told my friends before I don’t dislike people because they are male/female/gay/straight/black/white/Asian/Hispanic. I dislike them because they are pricks and they just happen to be male/female/gay/straight/black/white/Asian/Hispanic. Wish everyone could be the same in their approach but then again people are ignorant.

No offense.

Next In Series- TBD

Idiom Series Cinco

2008-09-05T11:30:00.000-07:00

Installment number FIF!!!!!!!!!!!

“Fine.”

Fine is only truly meant when it is said by a male five minutes after whatever issue/situation has passed. Or when used to describe a piece of china.

Or one of these ladies.

That’s it. Period. Let’s move on.

Next in Series- “No offense. No disrespect.”

Idiom Series Quad

2008-09-05T11:29:00.000-07:00

“But you’re different…”

Sometimes you meet a person who IS different. Someone there is a person that means a lot more to you than the normal person of the opposite sex that you encounter. This is more than even the person that you are in love with or in a relationship with. This might just be a special friend (not special like that but someone you can be close with). There are those people.

But guess what? Normally, no you’re not that person.

Don’t like being the person to bring the doom and gloom but I’m stepping in for my brother on this one (check his blog on my list to the right). If a person tells you this multiple times because

-there is someone issue that pops up constantly

-that person doesn’t have time to contact you

-they got frustrated and tired of your whining about the above issues

-they said it to explain hanging out with someone else

then usually you are not different. You are just one of five people in that person’s rotation.

I know, I know. There does exist that special person for everyone or at least that’s the theory. Unfortunately, it’s usually not you at that moment.

You’re not different.

Sorry.

Next In Series- "Fine."

Idiom Series Tres

2008-09-05T11:27:00.000-07:00

"Do you want to take this outside?”

Been encountering this one more and more lately and....

HAHAHAHAHAHA…..I’m sorry. This one just always makes me laugh. HA! Who seriously says this? Oh, yeah. Douchebags in clubs.

If you ask someone if they want to take something outside, that is telling that person that you are 1) uncreative, 2) unintelligent, 3) don’t really want to fight for real and 4) have a small penis. Let me further explain it to you….

1) You are uncreative- This is SUCH a cliché movie line. It is so badly used that I can’t even recall the last time they even used it in a movie. Think of something clever, bub, if you wanna do the man-dance.
2) You are unintelligent- Refer to 1). Also, if “taking it outside” is how you choose to solve a problem, you may want to rethink your schooling. Fights are always the last resort and people who normally say this don’t think that way. Nimrods.
3) You don’t want really want to fight for real- There are two types of fights- the first is for show and is pretty and is used in front of crowds to impress them. The second is dirty, fast and about winning- that’s all. People who get into the first fight scenario are usually not here to fight; they are here to show off in front of their friends. This is normally the reason why there is a lot of lip-bumping before these people fight. We will call these people punks.
People who engage in the second fight usually end up there after much inner debate. They are there to win or survive and want to do it quick. They have no time to get friends to showboat in front of. Let’s call these people grown-ass men. Guess which group the “take it outside” guy falls into?
4) You have a small penis- You just do. Accept it. What other reason do you need to
prove your manhood? That’s the only reason I can come up with.

With all of this being said, there are only two appropriate responses to the question of “Do you want to take this outside?” You can either laugh right in this person’s face and walk away shaking your head like you feel sorry for their mother (my personal fave). The other option is to smile and walk up to them and say in your most serious Bobby Deniro voice “Actually, I like it fine in here. Make a move, punk.”

Next In Series- “But you’re different…”

Idiom Series Deuce

2008-09-05T11:26:00.000-07:00

Here is the second installment. Not as good as my first one but I'm working on it, folks. Enjoy and comment.

"I'm sorry, but…"

This is not referring to when you are telling a story and using this term to reference how you would react in a situation, i.e. "Then, he left his girl on the corner. I'm sorry but I wouldn't do that, kid." This refers to the apology "I'm sorry."

Just to let you know when you say but you have just negated the entire apology. The but that you are using is just to justify that you still think that you are correct in the argument. If you think you are right, then you really don't mean your apology. Who apologizes when they think they are in the right? (actually, I DO have an answer for that but that's for another time) When you say but you are not acknowledging your blame in the situation or taking responsibility for your previous actions that got you here.

But = Not. Just for your information.

Next In Series- "Do you wanna take this outside?" (one of the funniest lines…..ever)

Idiom Series Uno

2008-09-05T11:24:00.000-07:00

I started this at my other blog (evthingundathasun.blogspot.com) but I wanted to start it up again here. So, here is the beginning (again) of certain things that people say that irritate me when I hear it 80% of the time. I’ll probably do one statement/phrase/comment a week but since this is the initial post I have two. Enjoy yo’self.

“How do you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?”
Uhh, yeah. This is dumb. I’m all for giving most things and people a fair shot but there are just certain things I KNOW I won’t like without having to try them out. I recognize there are certain things that other people absolutely love but I know I won’t be a fan of. It’s cool that you like that kind of sandwich but I think I’ll pass on that burger made of liver, thank you kindly. There are people that will argue with this statement and say that it is an issue indicative of a lack of courage. I ask these people this- "Have you ever engaged in bestiality? No? Then how do know you won’t like it?" *
Look, you can like a person, place, thing or food but you can’t win an argument just by stating the above question. It’s inane and doesn’t make you better than someone else because you have found what you like and want all people to like what you like. I know what I like or don’t like. Don’t need to test my boundaries. Thanks.

“I know what I said but what I meant was…..”
I have slowly become the king of misunderstood statements. This is due to fast talking, tone and the general speed between me thinking and saying something. This is NOT due to the actual content of what I stated. If I said it, I meant it.
Why say something if you don’t mean it? I don’t think anyone does that really. Usually, what comes out of your mouth is EXACTLY what you mean. Unless you are out and out lying, I cannot think of a single situation where you would say something without any connection to what you mean. I mean phrasing is an issue but the general message is still the same.

Next In Series- “I’m sorry, but…..”

* If you have a friend who happens to practice bestiality, GET NEW FRIENDS. NOW.

My 15 Biggest Flaws

2008-09-05T11:22:00.000-07:00

This way they are out in the open and don’t need to be re-hashed. Just tell me what number I’m doing like you are ordering something from Mickey D’s and I will try to address it in the situation. Or tell you to get over it.

1. I’m lazy- known this since about the 5th grade. I can get lazy about projects and things that aren’t right in front of me. But I always do my job and I do it well, no matter how much I may complain about it later and my curse of competency. I think a lot of people are like this; I just may be worse than the majority of other lazy souls. It’s not a lack of caring, I think. It just goes to a whole lot of other issues I have- such as not wanting to do things I don’t enjoy. This is my key flaw I’m trying to correct. Bear with me.
2. I focus on others too much- this is one of my own personal observations. I find I tend to do things for others at the cost of my own happiness/self-worth. I do it less and less nowadays but there are still times when I won’t do what I want to do for myself and will instead make sure others are alright. I often do this in my male-female relationships and it usually ends up with me alone and some cocky bastard winning off of my giving and time. (I’m forkin’ Good Luck Chuck) I also engage in this behavior with my friends and this can lead to me possibly resenting them for something or me hating myself, which I want not to happen on either count.
3. I mumble/don’t speak right on the phone- a few people have told me this. I don’t understand it. Weird phenomenon. May be due to me not being able to adjust my pitch to people unless they are directly near me or I just have a lot on my mind and at particular moments in the conversation it all tries to get out. I used to have a speech impediment when I was a kid so this should be something I can overcome.
4. I tell (white) lies- I don’t think I do this at all but since it was brought to my attention I will list it. My memory is generally pretty good 88% of the time so in those rare instances where I get something wrong it is usually due to miscommunication or my own unique phrasing and not outright lying.
5. I’m not adventurous- somewhat true. I do random shit like get up and leave work or travel across the country with no grand plan. I used to do more just random activities when I was in teens/early twenties but I guess I could be seen as not being that adventurous any longer. Trust me though, non-adventurous Sean, although less “fun”, is MUCH nicer than Adventure Sean. That guy was an ass, cared less about your feelings and would get you in some shite if you weren’t careful.
6. I don’t complete what I start- I don’t always and this is something I’m trying MAD hard to address. I need to complete my stories just so I can do what I want to do. This also goes back to #1- laziness.
7. I can become very taciturn- yeah, this one is me. This happens for many reasons- I truly have nothing to say/contribute, I’m thinking, I’m angry and am trying not to say some slick and/or hurtful shite, I’m not paying attention to what you say, I really want to just listen to you spin your tales or I just generally don’t want to talk right now. I’m not a big phone talker anyway so if you do end up on the phone with me for more than 7 minutes I must really like you and/or you are telling me something very interesting/important. Usually it’s or. Besides, see # 3. Do you really want my mumbly mouth yakking your ear off?
8. I don’t live healthy enough- I don’t. I hate exercise, don’t watch what I eat, sleep only a few hours a night and, although not so much anymore, party recklessly. Don’t see this changing anytime soon. The best you can hope for from me is tiny adjustments in this department.
9. I get frustrated. Quickly- I get angry slowly but can get frustrated quickly. This normally only happens with people I actually care about. Very rarely do I waste my time thinking about how a stranger or someone I don’t like is making me feel anymore.
10. I don’t express my feelings a lot- I don’t. That's why you didn't know about #9. I’m getting better but it is a very SSLLOOOWWW process-hence all the namby-pamby blogs. I’d rather type out what I want to say because I can make it more coherent and it gives me time to cool down from silly anger (an emotion I’m more intimately familiar with as opposed to vulnerability) like I did with this thing. See? I’m already cool as a polar bears’ toe nails again. Plus, I hate people knowing they have any sort of control over the way I feel. Hate it, son.
11. I’m too proud to ask for assistance- yup. This one is probably here for the long haul and is intrinsically connected to # 2. Don’t see me getting rid of this one since I feel it is a key trait of mine. #2 is too but I NEED to deal with that one before I just lose it one day and flip out on someone.
12. I do things out of spite- this can be a good thing and a bad thing. Good thing, you ask? Yes. Spite has motivated me in the past to try hard just because others said I couldn’t do it. Spite is also a bad motivator for me because it used to make me pursue things that weren’t good for me just to piss people off.
13. I think too much- how is this bad? Well, I can often build things up in my mind as more serious than they really are and this can occupy my thoughts and consequently my time. This leads back to 2, 6, 7, 8 and 10.
14. I judge people- now, I don’t outright say things about people and their actions but in my head I formulate opinions on them. Is it worse to say it aloud or keep it inside? I don’t know. What I do know is that I mostly think the worse of many individuals and when they do happen to do something wrong I am rarely surprised because they are just doing what I assumed they would do all along anyway.
15. I hold grudges- I still dislike certain kids from back in elementary school, still feel bitter towards my dad and still don’t like one of E’s boys from college. I have gotten better and let go of a lot of the past because it makes no sense to dwell on it but there are still some things I need to get over.

Anything else? I’m sure there are other things that can go on this list for me. Just a friendly reminder before you contribute- I don’t really take it personal if it is true. You who are gonna add or comment should know this about me already anyways. I get upset about a situation/disagreement but I can always separate from the person making the statement and why I am cool with them to begin with. So, feel free to add something or message me with another one.
Especially, since all of you have similar and worse flaws like being stubborn, scattered, too accepting and judgmental, just to name a few. ;)
Have a good one, you motor boating sonsuvabitches.

The Rundown (with Sean not Seann)

2008-09-05T11:21:00.000-07:00

- arrived in the world early by at least a month. Very small baby. Spent a nice portion of my first few years in the hospital. Used to have epileptic seizures (possible west syndrome?) and stopped breathing at various points along with having to endure spinal taps. Good thing I don't remember any of that shite.

- my older sister gave me my first name. Why a five year-old was given that sort of power over my life, I don't know. Middle name came from my dad. Various mispronunciations and newly created nicknames ensue.

- got one full, angry younger brother, an older half-sister that I didn't realize was a half-sister until my twenties (not that it matters), an older half-brother from Coney Island that used to visit us in The Rock all the time when we were young. Found out I have another half-brother and half-sister a few years ago at my dad's wedding. Also, a younger step-brother now. My dad was busy.

- mother has been a hard-working telephone operator for as long as I can remember. Taught me all about hard work and dedication. She was the tough, scary parent. The real disciplinarian and I used to assume all arguments between her and my dad was mostly her fault but I grew up and learned the truth. In the past 6 or 7 years, I have gotten very close to her. Not an outwardly emotional person (hence, why I am who I am) but always looks out for her loved one and is extremely generous, to her detriment (another trait I seem to have unfortunately inherited as well, like my sis)

- father was the "cool" parent when I was little, i.e. he was the one who bought you cool toys and talked to you somewhat like an adult and was funny. He was the emotional one of the mom-dad duo. He was very relaxed, but this may have been very much due to marijuana abuse. Nation of Islam half-supporter, which was why I had to end my love affair with pepperoni for awhile and was always of the initial mindset that white people were the devil (except those who bought drugs from us-kind of like George Jefferson in that regard). Disappeared for days at a time, went to rehab, cleaned up his act, came back different and then just left one day not to return until he wanted the crap he bought back. Nice. As you can tell, I still have some unresolved issues with dude and haven't seen/talked to him since my brother was assaulted last year.

- always lived with my grandmother and aunt and various uncles who have flitted in and out of the house. Aunt always looked out in her own unique way and uncles contributed as well as they could but they are also the reason for my inflated "Fields Ego" at times, meaning the belief that we can get any woman we want if we say the right shite. Have slightly overcome that cocky mindset.

- emotions/emotion related activities in my house in my youth- anger, sarcastic responses (prerequisite for being in my family is having tough skin), not backing down from fights, non-use of the l-word and limited hugging or any other act to show the l-word.

- I was the third oldest in the living nearby cousin rankings. My sister was definitely in charge of all of us but she was also at least 4 years older than my only older cousin and his parents brought him by to play infrequently with us before they moved to Maryland (later learned they thought me, my bro and my other cousins were kinda bad influences- J.Witnesses, wha are you gonna do?). So, that made me the default one in charge when I could be bothered to lead. My father was sort of the official male role model for me and my cousins. Pretty good example, when he was there, outside of the drug use/selling but then again that was sort of a family tradition that still continues in some form ‘til this day. He left, I had to pick up the slack. Should have done a better job but I have kept the situations from getting worse than they could potentially be. Hopefully, my brother and cousins feel the same.

-Where I grew up....

Nuff said.

- exposed to drug use/selling at early age. also, other criminal activities were nearby at most times. definitely brings to mind a term from the movie Sleepers in my head- " a place of innocence ruled by corruption." This essentially means while the neighborhood is safe for children, the people in charge are often involved in illegal incidents. People followed some sort of rules back in the day though so I was never really worried except when police showed up. Didn't like cops as a kid- can deal with them for the most part now. Unless they are pricks. Hate prick cops.

- saw people shot full in the face before, as well as other extremities. One incident pops into my head instantly- must have been fifth or sixth grade and my sis' boyfriend (future husband) was visiting for the first time. Cool guy. He, my sis, my bro and me are inside the house at the time (don't recall if my cousins were there or not). my mother, grandmother and aunt were outside on the porch talking to some dude we knew from down the street. grandmother's husband was across the street probably doing something illegal. All in all a good night. That was until someone started shooting at my grandmother's husband. Or at least I think he was the target that evening. Think they only caught him in the foot but the man my grandmother was talking to was hit in the face. Bullet went in through cheek and out through the nose. What I remember clearly was my brother freaking out because he thought my mother might have got hit and my future bro-in-law keeping him and my sis calm. I also remember the dude leaking blood out in our hallway floor near the front door. Kinda weird scene to see around the age of 10. Wouldn't be the last time I saw someone hit like that either but luckily this guy made it. And my sis' boyfriend came back the next day. Dude gets all props for that because I'm not sure what I would have done in the same predicament. Kudos.

- didn't sleep a great deal as a kid, a tradition I carry on somewhat to this day. still only sleep about four hours now too. Always stayed awake until like 3 in the am constantly on the weekend with my father on the porch outside. saw a lot and heard a lot. Also stayed up a lot in the house so I was privy to discussions (read: arguments) that my brother missed between my parents. Lucky him.

- there used to be a show that filmed in our neighborhood for CourtTv called The System. It was about local crime. My bro and cousins were on it during a drive-by filming of our street. Lived next to the crack spot so that made our house a hot attraction. Well, that, and all the drug dealers that hung out at my house or on our porch. oh, and my father was on the intro for awhile-getting arrested. He went missing one night and found out he got arrested for drinking on the porch. Recognized him because he was wearing a letterman's jacket that I used to rock sometimes.

- had to replace a few house windows, dig bullets out of our wall and visit a rehab or two in my time (not rehab for me- for others).

- how I learned to swim- went to a party on the beach (literally, one block from my house). Random cousin of the birthday boy picked me up and threw me into the water as I was screaming my lungs out. "Swim or die." Guess which I did.

- went to public school until 8th grade with mostly minorities and some white people who were not of the highest caliber. Then went to private school and had to adjust and overcome my perceptions of all white people. Took me about three years to overcome my racism. Realized that white people aren't jerks because they are white. They just happen to be jerky AND white. Also met jerky black, hispanic and asian people.

- outside of e, al, shak and crew, my closest homeboy was normally a big white boy who was funny and/or violent on my bus. The first was dan reynolds who fell more into the violent column. Then there was neil mccarthy, who was definitely in the funny category. Good people, that neil. Still on my friends’ list on Myspace.

- another person who helped me overcome my initial dislike of anything other than me was Dee Madison. Cute, funny, smart ass blonde chick. Tough too. Reminded me of my mother a little bit in that last aspect. Had a crush on her but didn't make a move. Still had some of that old daddy programming in me. Plus, I was a punk. Also, on my Myspace friends’ list.

- that's not to say high school was all sweet. The table where all the minorities sat was nicknamed "the Nable". Guess why. Yeah….that was a fun time.

- drink a lot less than I used to. Used to swill a lot and get those moments of binging when I'm with crew still. Thinking my drinking really started in force after sophomore year of college when I was living in Georgia. Also, the vodka lemonades I had during the junior and senior years of high school didn't hurt. And when I say during, I mean DURING- like between classes.

- smoking of the trees begin around 16 and ended last year with differing periods of sobriety. Been exposed to second-hand since I could remember though. Not gonna go back. Done with it. T and crew will pick up my slack. Was fun while it lasted.

- outside of those two vices, I've only ever tried one other drug and that was mushrooms. Did them once. Won't do them again unless I become filthy rich. Wasn't a horrible experience but I'm in no rush to do again. That or drugs of any kind.

- girls/chicks/ladies/wimmens- normally attracted to the crazy, odd, and/or shat upon chicks. Don’t know why. Maybe it goes to a savior complex or I like trouble. Regardless, when I find myself attracted to a woman, I wonder what is gonna be the problem I will have to deal with later. Hopefully, I have broken this trend or I'm going to have to really re-evaluate myself.

- relationships- as you can tell, emotional expression is a difficult thing for me. Feel I am improving but I still need work. The only successful relationship in my family is my sister and her husband. All the others have not been good. Hence, my fear of marriage and long-term relationships in general. Also, don't want to be a total man-whore like my older male family counterparts.

- need to work on my focus. Used to like school and really get into my work. Since about high school that has been on the decline. Outside of moments of extreme focusedness (know it isn't a word but we use it anyway) on certain things, I need to dedicate my self to elementary school focus. 9 year-old Sean would be cursing out 28 year-old Sean right now. Used to rely on luck too much and still have a tendency to leap without looking. Need to address that too.

Why Am I Doing This?

2008-09-05T11:14:00.000-07:00

I'm starting this blog for all the above reasons and also because I'm not a very outwardly emotional person (partially for reasons I will discuss later). I also feel that maybe someone can read about my issues/concerns/ideas and discover their own way or answer some of my questions. I'm going to be sharing a lot (but not all; I like not being hurt physically by people I care about).

Why should you read it?

Well, I dunno. I would like to think that I'm somewhat interesting and I'm a pretty nice guy. But if that isn't enough just read for help or to pass the time. Or, I don't know, something.

So, this page is like a combination of an electronic journal that I'm allowing you to read and, hopefully, a place to leave comments about things.

Feel free to comment or just read.
KT

PS You can check out my other blog too if you are bored. It's called The Thracian Drive and it's listed to the right. Just some fiction and earlier randomness. Or any blog to the right in the list is good as well.