Monday, May 16, 2011

May 21, 2011- UPDATED!!!!

So, this Saturday is May 21, 2011 and, according to a certain faction of Christian fundamentalists, it's more than the middle of another weekend where I should be drinking Snake Juice to go blind. It is in fact THE APOCALYPSE!* (cue Inception sound effect)

I have a few problems with this, not the least being I have plans to see Captain America when it comes out and I still, hopefully, got a few more boobies to feel in my remaining time on this planet. But for the sake of me getting back to my worthwhile and potentially profitable work, I'll just address my two key issues with this date that has been rattling around in my head for a few days.

1) Why May 21, 2011?
I know that the folks behind this are using some newfangled math/Old Testament abacus to get to this date. Supposedly, God told someone (probably Noah or Noah's cousin Pookie) that in seven days he would send rain to the Earth to wipe out people and, using the math from the Bible's appendix, each of God's days is like one thousand years so he really meant in 7 THOUSAND years God would get to work in washing away the sin. Not to even get into the whole Great Flood and why God even needs to give folks a heads up but how do we know 7000 years ago on May 21 was the day some dude was told this by God? Who took that note because I know that I have forgotten what I ate last week much less remembering what happened when I was 25.

2) How many people are being "saved"?
Here's a little background, folks- My father was a huge religion guy (nut) back in the day and had The Bible memorized.** I think he still does but he used to quote stuff to me, particularly that children's favorite section called The Book of Revelation of St. John. I remember fondly hearing about the End Days and Wormwood and The Beast and The Antichrist. Good times, good times.
What really stuck out to me and became even bigger as my uncle and his family became Jehovah Witnesses (nutty nuts) was the number of people being saved- 144,000.
144,000? Are you shitting me? There are about 400,000 babies born daily worldwide. God is just gonna choose which pretty baby he wants in Heaven? Is St. Peter some sort of nightclub bouncer?

"You ain't gettin' in with them shoes, partna."

So, I do some research into what these Saturday Morning Apocalypse folks are saying and there number is now at about 200 million folks are gonna make it.*** Must have something to do with inflation. Still, that's like only 3% of the world's population. So let's figure God is only rapturing the truly innocent and truly Christian (i.e. those who practice what they preach, turn the other cheek, fish on Friday, etc.). That means that's only about the babies born in the last year and maybe some young kids without hate in their heart are going. So, why are these people deluded to think they get on that bus? They have a much better chance of winning the PowerBall then getting through those Pearly Gates.

"Just ladies right now, fellas. Shoulda brought some females with you."

Shoot, I would tell them to play the PowerBall but by the time the checks clear we'll be knee-deep in Apocalypse shenanigans.

Ok. That ends my mini-rant. Back to work and preparing for fun SUNDAY activities.

And if I'm wrong and the Four Horsemen start galloping Saturday, well, I guess I'll just have to make the rest of the week count.


*Actually, Harold Camping, the guy behind this Nostradamus level prediction, is backpedaling a bit now and saying that it's the START of the end but the real end is October 21, 2011 and I won't make it to my next birthday. Great. I had plans for a donkey show in Tijuana that has to be TOTALLY scrapped now. And I CAN'T get back that deposit. Awesome work, Lord Above. Good job.
**And I seem to remember he taught himself to read Arabic. Jeez. Why am I such a lazy arse?
***This new number from the dude who said "I know it's absolutely true, because the Bible is always absolutely true." How'd he get that number then?


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